Genre(s):Angst and romance

Status: On-going [Seven chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Characterization and Flow



Title {4/5}
The title does give off the soft, melancholic feel that your story has, and it definitely relates to the idea of angels due to the mention of angel wings. However, there are many titles on AFF that revolve around angel’s wings, so it is not unique. I’m also wondering how the “wings” would have weight in the story, since you chose this as an important theme in your story.

Description and Foreword {8/10}
For your description, it is definitely interesting, and it can pique the interest of readers, but I think it can be developed more if Baekhyun’s internal conflict is presented in the description. Currently, the conflict that you presented for Baekhyun is more on outside forces. He was kicked out of Heaven. In contrast, Jonghui’s conflict is internal. She’s counting down her days. Showing Baekhyun’s internal conflict will balance the conflict that you presented for Jonghui. It will also show your readers what Baekhyun must overcome while he’s on Earth.

Next, honestly, the Foreword confused me at first. You started with stating that time is awfully slow for Baekhyun, but then in your fifth line, you contradict this by stating that Baekhyun learns that time never flows too slow. You also started the line with an “and” that joins these thoughts together. I think what you are trying to say that Baekhyun eventually learns that never flows too slow, but because you used “and” and the present tense “learns,” the initial statement and the idea in the fifth line seem to be happening at the same time (thinking time is too slow and learning that time is never too slow). Perhaps you should clarify this part so that the two sentiments do not appear contradictory at first glance.

Apart from these two concerns, the synopsis present in the Description is attention-grabbing since it lays the foundation of your story without giving too much about the story away.

Plot {25/30}
The main concern that I have with the plot is that in the current chapters that you have, the plot does not move forward (in regards to Baekhyun’s conflict regarding being on Earth). The plot does not seem to develop or move from the state of reflecting on the main conflict that Baekhyun has (being kicked out of Heaven and trying to get back). Although the premise of an angel trying to regain humanity on Earth is interesting, the seven chapters that you have written does not show Baekhyun actively doing something to get his spot back in Heaven. [I’ll discuss this at length in Characterization] Most of the time, he simply reflects and analyzes his situation and the information that he gathers from Chanyeol and Jonghui. The other characters such as Jongdae, Jongin, and Joonmyeon are introduced, but their presence in story does not bear significant weight in the plot (apart from giving Baekhyun insight on Jonghui) or push the plot forward. Therefore, the development of the plot, rather than being an uphill climb, is more flat or having minimal progress.

Maybe it’s too early into the story for me to comment on this plot progression, but as I’ve read from your Foreword, you plan on creating fifteen chapters. You’re already in the seventh chapter, and that would be  almost half of the story. Baekhyun does not seem to do much about his predicament that I question about when the story would start gaining momentum.

Another concern that I have is the importance of the plot points of meeting Jongin and Joonmyeon is not clear. Their introduction and place in the story does not change anything between Baekhyun and Jonghui, present a complication, hinder the characters, or move the story forward. Again, it might be too early for me to express this concern, but as of now, I don’t understand their significance in the plot or the conflict that Baekhyun faces.

Next, a minor concern is that there are certain parts of the story that are not explained properly. One example of this is in the first chapter where you stated that Baekhyun is aware of things [though this part is still unclear], and he knows what being “drunk” means. However, in the latter chapters, he doesn’t know what tea is, what spicy is, or what a fever is. Perhaps you should clarify the range of knowledge that Baekhyun has regarding humanity and human culture. Doing so will create a clearer concept of Baekhyun’s background knowledge on humans.

For instance, in the TV series Supernatural, Castiel is an angel from Heaven, and in the first parts of his introduction in the series, it is made clear that as an angel who has watched over the development of mankind, he understands scientific developments and remembers important historical events, but he does not understand human culture. He takes things too literally, and he does not understand jokes since he does not have experience or a defined understanding of the intricacies of human language. The range of his knowledge regarding humans is clear, and it is kept consistent in the show [though he does slowly learn as episodes pass].

Another example of a part that is not explained fully is when Baekhyun experiences and explores human emotion, there are feelings that you did not explore fully. Baekhyun mentions in the first chapter that because he was a seraph, he does not have a full grasp of human emotions. We learn this as he first feels pity in the first chapter. However, in chapter three, you have this line:

And, as he observes them talking, there’s a certain air of lightheartedness that makes him feel strangely jealous.

Baekhyun has never felt jealous before [I assumed this because there are times in your work where he points out that human emotions weren’t necessary when he was in Heaven, so jealousy was out of the question], but now he’s suddenly sure that he feels jealous. Perhaps you should explore these feelings more in the plot to show how Baekhyun learns these human feelings.

On a positive note, the plot is definitely interesting, and the idea of a seraph changing and relearning humanity is unique. I like how philosophical the story gets, and the story really makes you think about happiness, existence, and humanity. We can see this when Baekhyun and Jonghui talk about sunrise versus sunset.

Another thing I would like to commend you on is the development of the mystery behind Jonghui’s condition. Jonghui’s condition is scattered in subtle hints throughout the chapters, but the way that Baekhyun mulls over them is effective in creating an air of mystery and encourage thought around the hints.

Finally, I like how you stress how Baekhyun is a seraph. What’s the importance of this? Usually, people don’t know that there is a hierarchy for angels and that there are different ranks and kinds of angels. Angels are practically the lowest in the hierarchy while seraphim are the highest in the order. They are the guards of the throne of God. Stressing that Baekhyun is a seraph shows how much power Baekhyun used to have and how high he was in the ranks before he was stripped out of this. It emphasizes his negative feelings when he was brought to Earth.

Characterization {12/15}
As I’ve stated in the Plot area, I found that Baekhyun does not actively do something about his predicament. He is more of a passive-reactive rather than proactive even though he expresses a clear desire to become a seraph again. When he learns that he has to regain humanity, he simply reflects on this information, wondering how can he do that or what it means, but he doesn’t do anything to gain answers. He simply waits for Chanyeol to show up again. I had hoped that he would actively try to understand humanity, look up books, ask people around him, or somehow learn how to use the internet to understand more about how to get back to Heaven, but he simply stays in the house and waits for the next thing to happen. There is nothing wrong with a reactive character when the part story requires this reaction or the conflict in the story requires deep thought at how to act. While I understand that Baekhyun is still trying to get his bearings about his predicament, it doesn’t mean that he could simply be passive about it.

In addition, there are parts and scenes that are contradictory to your description of Baekhyun’s character. There was a contradictory part when you stated in the first chapter (and succeeding chapters) that Baekhyun can’t lie, but then he tells Jonghui that he’s twenty five even though he has lived several millennia. He lies again in chapter six when he repeats Jonghui’s lie that she tripped even though he knew that the right answer was that she tried to pull him up. You should make sure that your characters are consistent with the parameters that you have set so that your readers are not confused with the contradicting description and action.

As for Jonghui, I find her character very likeable since she’s optimistic and kind, but I find that she lacks complexity as a character. We learn that she’s kind, trusting, patient, and hospitable, but apart from these good traits, her flaws or her insecurities are not yet shown. You could say that her flaw is that she’s too nice or she’s too trusting, but with the current story that you’ve presented, it doesn’t seem to hurt her or affect her.

You can subtly add this flaw within dialogue or in a subtle hint. For example, if the flaw is that she is too kind, when Jongdae tells Baekhyun that Jonghui’s too nice, you can bring out this flaw with Jongdae stating an experience where Jonghui’s kindness backfires. Maybe she was too kind to leave a cat out in the rain, so she took it home and fed it, but the next day the cat was gone, the furniture in her house was messed up, and she cleaned it by herself while telling Jongdae that she was just happy that the cat is okay. Subtle hints like these make up a well-rounded character.

However, I do find it refreshing and funny how Baekhyun doesn’t like Jonghui’s smile (or Jonghui in general) at first. Most of the time, when it comes to romance, main characters obsess about something that they find attractive about the romantic interest, but your interesting take on Baekhyun constantly feeling irritated with the smile before he grows to like it shows a great development in their relationship.

Also, I find Baekhyun’s grumpiness refreshing to read. It’s different from the usual way that fanfics portray Baekhyun as this lively, cheerful, and friendly character. Couple this grumpy character with Jonghui’s bright disposition and you have a pairing that balances each other well.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {14/15}
There are only minor grammar concerns in your work. These are word choice, misused punctuation marks, run-ons, and misspelled words.

1.Word choice:

His life started as an angel. He can remember the ceremony of becoming a seraphim. (Chapter 7)

In the excerpt above, you used the term “seraphim” as a singular noun. To clarify, “seraphim” is the plural form of “seraph.” Seraphim are already an order of angels. So, rather than “becoming a seraphim,” it should be “becoming a seraph.”

2. Minor punctuation mark mistakes:

Another useless emotion; pity. (Chapter 1)

In the sentence above, you used a semicolon (;) to introduce “pity.” A semicolon is used to join together two independent clauses. Here is an example of how to use a semicolon: “She didn’t like books; she avoided reading time.” When you want to introduce an idea or emphasize a sentence, you should use a colon (:). Here is a revised version of the excerpt above with the proper punctuation mark:

Another useless emotion: pity.

3. Run-on

The rain beats down harder now and Baekhyun sits still and gives in to the feeling of helplessness. (Chapter 1)

Usually, run-ons are a main concern when it comes to sentence structure, but I’ve noticed that this is not a prevalent issue in your writing. There are times where you use a comma to separate independent clauses, and there are times when you do not. Look out for this inconsistency!

Run-ons happen when you do not separate two independent clauses properly. In the excerpt shown, your sentence is lacking a comma to separate the first independent clause (The rain beats down harder now) and the second independent clause (Baekhyun sits still and gives in to the feeling of helplessness). You should place a comma before the coordinating conjunction (and), like so:

The rain beats down harder now, and Baekhyun sits still and gives in to the feeling of helplessness.

4. Misspelled words:

Her smile was beginning to get enduring just a while ago, but now that she’s sitting right across from him and his temperature is rising again, her smile is once again annoying to look at. (Chapter 2)

The word “enduring” does not fit in with the sentence, especially as an adjective for Jonghui’s smile. I think this is just a typo, and you meant to write “endearing,” so it’s an easy fix.

Apart from these minor concerns, your writing is clear and free of grammatical errors! Good job!

Flow {6/10}
The pacing is slow for now. I understand that the pacing is like that because Baekhyun is trying to understand this new world and concepts around him. The first five chapters are mostly background information as we try to understand Baekhyun’s predicament and Jonghui’s intentions, while the last two chapters start in showing more and more detail about Baekhyun’s past and what he needs to achieve his goal of coming back to Heaven. I do hope that it picks up as the chapters progress. If the pacing continues to be slow, the plot will not progress as much, and your readers might be stuck wondering when things will start to happen or when Baekhyun would start to move to achieve his goals.

I like how time is clear in the story. You make it a point to mention the time that Baekhyun has stayed on earth, and that helps you readers in keeping track of his progress as he slowly understands humans and Earth.

I also like how the friendship between Jonghui and Baekhyun progresses at a good pace. It’s neither slow nor too fast, and your readers see how they slowly open up to one another.

Presentation {5/5}
The presentation of your story is neat. I like how each chapter title is a feeling that Baekhyun feels immensely by the end of each chapter or slowly understands throughout the chapter. These chapter titles tie your chapters together and show cohesiveness in your work.

The colors of the poster and the background are effective in setting the feel of the story. They’re not pure white, but sort of like a troubled grey that goes with the vibe of the story. It’s angsty without being too angsty. [Does this make sense?]

Lastly, the font size is not too small or too large. I did not need to use the option to resize the text. Using a text size like the one you used makes it easier for readers to read and understand your story without the hassle of zooming in or resizing.

Overall Enjoyment {8/10}
I definitely like how the story makes you think deeply about humanity and what it means to be human. The premise of the story is something fresh and new as well. The only problem that I had was how the pacing was slow and how Baekhyun wasn’t actively doing something about his predicament.


Overall: 82/100

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