Genre(s):Angst, drama, psychological, romance

Status: On-going [Sixteen chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Description & Foreword and Characterization



Title {4/5}
Though the title is not unique, its conciseness makes it easy to remember. One-word titles are sometimes a hit or miss. They can either be catchy or easy to forget. With “Bystander,” I feel that the title is catchy since it rolls off the tongue easily. Furthermore, the title embodies the theme of the story. Good job!

Description and Foreword {6/10}
The description presents an interesting premise for your story, but there are concerns on the way that you marketed your story in the Description. The inciting incident presented in your description is when the main character, “decided to intervene with that accident.” However, in your story, the main character neither intervened nor was the inciting incident an accident. When you say that someone intervened, that person came in between something or prevented something from happening. MiRan did not do this since she simply let the events take place before reacting to it. Next, the inciting incident involving Kim Tan is obviously not an accident. An accident is something that comes unexpectedly or unintentionally, like car crashes. Kim Tan being bullied is an intentional move by the students in the school, so it is hard to see as an accident. I suggest that you re-word your Description so that your blurb matches your story.

Moreover, the focus of the Description is on the setting of the school, but your story presents problems outside of school, and most of the time, the setting of the events in your story are not in the school itself. Perhaps you should widen the scope of the setting in the Description so that our readers are not misled.

Next, there are a couple of punctuation mark issues. Take a look at his line from your description:

And living amidst all that's fake and exaggerated was me. A simple bystander.

The first sentence and the second sentence does not seem to be related since you ended the first sentence with a period. It seems to me that you are introduce the second sentence with the first sentence. To create a smoother flow between the first sentence and the second and to provide a clear introduction, you should use a colon instead of a period after the first sentence. Here is a revised version of the excerpt above:

And living amidst all that’s face and exaggerated was me: a simple bystander.

On the positive side, the trailer is so well-made! I love the grittiness to it, and the soundtrack effectively captures the tone of your story. In addition, the timing of the change in scenes matches perfectly with the soundtrack. I really enjoyed watching the trailer, and including this trailer in your Description emphasized the dark aspects of your story.

Plot {23/30}
Firstly, the main conflict of the story is not clear. The conflict is the driving force of the story. This is what propels the story forward and creates difficult situations for the main character. There are certainly issues presented in the plot, but I cannot seem to find the main conflict of the story. If it is about helping Kim Tan and becoming the center of attention, this issue is already addressed in the first few chapters of your story, and the issue is not carried through the rest of the plot. If it is about her being closed off, this issue is also already addressed since she acquires the friendship of the boys in the group. The rest of the issues, like with ByulYi, MiRan’s father, and the love triangle, are minor conflicts that do not drive the story. So what is the main conflict? What is she trying to achieve or escape from? Clarifying this main conflict will also help you in clarifying the structure and development of your plot.

Next, the introduction of the popular but y girl who is after the good-looking guys is overused, so I hope there’s a difference with this one. Furthermore, it was seen as a one-time thing that one could easily forget. It felt as if it was just thrown in there for added drama, but that plot-point is half-baked. We don’t hear about ByulYi again before you threw in another issue.

What I do find interesting is that the issue with MiRan’s father is sprinkled in hints throughout the chapters, like when you included the temporary house. The inclusion of these hints keep your readers wondering about MiRan’s past and how she became this detached person.

Characterization {10/15}
For characterization, there are parts where Miran contradicts herself or she is not consistent in character. In the prologue she is seen helping Kim Tan, someone she does not have any close ties to, but in the first chapter, she tells Hana that she is not keen on helping people “as a matter of fact.” What motivated her in the first place to help Kim Tan is not clear. Then, there is also the part in one of your chapters where MiRan complains about her friend, even asking to herself “Whatever have I done to deserve this loud of a person to call himself a friend of mine?” However, after that was swiftly followed by her asking her friend to go get lunch without any hesitation. There was also the part where she readily befriends JiMin and you described this act as something “managed without much difficulty” though she does not know much about him, but then when it came to Suga, she immediately says that she could not change. This inconsistency in character can confuse your readers on MiRan’s stance on having friends.

However, I do find MiRan’s character and view of the world around her refreshing to read. Her thoughts set the mood of the story, and it is easy to get into that character and to think the way she does.

The group’s friendliness towards her seem rushed. I wasn’t able to see the development of them warming up to her. It was sudden, like bam!, everyone wants to be her friend. Being with someone who is cold or as blunt as MiRan surely would create awkwardness at first, if not even a bit of tension. She was cold to Taehyung, and that should create tension between them, but it was not addressed. There would be times where they would get hurt by her bluntness before they become acclimatized. You don’t become friends in a snap and especially not with someone who insists on not becoming friends. Though this hints at how persistent the group can be, since their efforts are not clearly shown, it’s hard to see how they grow to like MiRan.

As a last point, there are characters where I question their purpose or significance in the story. JeongGuk’s purpose in the story is not clear. Aside from being a friend in the group, he does not contribute much to the plot. This is also my concern with Jackson since his purpose in the story is not clear as well. For characters, you should always make sure that they serve a purpose in the plot whether it is to push the plot forward or hinder the characters from moving forward. Having too many side characters that do not have any bearing to the story can overwhelm your readers. If you do not want to totally omit their presence in the story, then you should find some way to include them in the plot.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {13/15}
There are a few concerns in your grammar regarding the clarity of your sentences, structure of your dialogues, and word choice. They’re not major issues, but correcting the issues will make your story easier to comprehend. Let’s go over them one by one:

1.Sentence Clarity:

I heard her scoff, walking away afterwards. (Prologue)

The sentence above is not clear because the modifier “walking away afterwards” modifies “I.” However, MiRan was not the one who walked away in your story. Because of this issue, your readers can become confused on who does what. Instead of making the latter part of the sentence a modifier and dependent clause, you should turn it into an independent clause where the subject is the doer of the action. Here is a revised version of this sentence:

I heard her scoff, and she walked away afterwards.

The revised sentence here is clearer because you know who is walking away.

2. Structure of dialogue:

"It's one of those fights which we have to attend in order to raise our reputation. It would be good if we could stand in the front, so that more people would be able to see me." she started to ramble, her head tilted to the side and a finger to her lips. (Prologue)

In the excerpt above, you ended the quote with a period, and this separates the quote from the tag “she started.” For dialogue, usually, the quote (if it is a declarative sentence) ends with a comma to create a pause and to tie in the tag with the quote. Here is a revised version with the proper punctuation mark:

"It's one of those fights which we have to attend in order to raise our reputation. It would be good if we could stand in the front, so that more people would be able to see me," she started to ramble, her head tilted to the side and a finger to her lips.

3. Word choice:

Throwing the school back behind me I got up on the ledge of a the bridge, getting calmed down by the sounds of passing by cars below me. (Chapter 13)

The phrase “throwing the school back behind me” is confusing. No one can throw a school behind them, so what does this phrase mean? Make sure that you use clear language in your story.

Flow {7/10}
The flow within the chapters is not too fast or too slow, but I do find a concern in the pace of the conflicts that you present. In the final parts of the first arc, you suddenly present the different conflicts like ByulYi, the father, and the love triangle. Your readers might not know where to focus on anymore. Perhaps if the introduction of the different conflicts were evenly spaced throughout your story, the issues might not feel as overwhelming and each issue will be given enough space to affect your characters.

Presentation {5/5}
The anime-style art of the poster is definitely something I haven’t seen before, and it’s definitely pretty! Although I am not a fan of the font in the poser, I like the use of the dark colors and the reflection of the girl in the water rather than showing the girl completely. It shows how others’ perception of the main character is only a shallow reflection of who she is. It can also show how people might not see her for who she really is. Choosing the anime-style poster over the rest of the posters that you had was a great choice since the other posters were too busy or overcrowded. Also, your current poster embodies the darker tones of your story.

I like that you used a layout for your story. It shows how much effort you give for your story, and I’m sure your readers appreciate that. It’s also mobile-friendly, which is a definite plus. I do advise you to be careful with the background of the layout. The patterns there can make it hard for your readers to read the story.

Overall Enjoyment {6/10}
The story isn’t my cup of tea. There were elements that were interesting, like MiRan’s commentary on people around her. I find the different perspective, compared to the happy and positive thinking that most heroines in stories, refreshing. However, at the end of the day, it’s not a story that I would personally continue to read.


Overall: 74/100

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