Genre(s): Romance

Status: One-shot

Graded or Non-Graded: Non-Graded

Focus: Characterization and Flow



Title
The title is simple and straightforward, and it embodies the theme of your story. Good job! Though the title is not obviously unique, since there are multiple stories on AFF with the same title, the conciseness of the title is catchy, and it makes your story easy to remember.

Description and Foreword
The blurb in your description is attention-grabbing, and I like how it ties in with the whole theme of your one-shot. It presents an interesting premise on the idea of spontaneity, which makes your readers wonder how Baekhyun would achieve such a feat. Your Foreword is neat and orderly ,though I believe that the definition of spontaneity that you included is still vague. It presents a repetitive mention of “spontaneous,” but it might not be clear to your readers what “spontaneous” means. Perhaps you should present a clearer definition of spontaneity.

Plot
The plot of your one-shot is simple but cute and refreshing. I wouldn’t say that it is unique since there are many stories nowadays that deal with mental conditions, but it’s refreshing to see a story doesn’t focus strictly on falling in love and helping someone with the power of love but on being comfortable enough to trust a person with yourself, especially when it comes to dealing with a mental condition.

The ending’s good since it shows the change in Jongdae, though I think it could leave a bigger impact if you present a short part where Jongdae still has a small anxiety about the change, but he chooses to push past that. For now, your ending only shows Jongdae readily agreeing with the change. Presenting a small amount of anxiety shows a consistency in the struggle that Jongdae faces, but in the end, he knows that he would be fine with the change.

Characterization
I feel like there should be more description on Jongdae’s feelings so that your readers will be able to understand his character and condition more. For example, you can describe how the lack of the screw on the bench is like an itch in Jongdae’s mind or the lack of a screw, while practically invisible to everyone else, is like a huge, error mark on a test paper for Jongdae. This description helps readers understand how bothered Jongdae is with the screw. It further emphasizes the difference in how he views things that most people would not pay attention to. While I understand why you would not want to include too much description since Jongdae would not pay attention to what we would normally look at, I figured that since you are using the third person point of view, you can still get away with describing his feelings in a way that makes sense to Jongdae and to the readers.

Furthermore, perhaps you should provide more commentary on things that happen around your characters. Providing more commentary or an insight on Jongdae’s thoughts will help your readers understand how Jongdae views the world around him.

Next, there wasn’t enough emphasis on the strictness of his routines and his desire to stick to his routines. Placing more emphasis on his routines and his dislike in deviating from his routines would emphasize how much he needs them in his life. For example, you can show how he always leaves at a set time. Maybe he checks his watch and leaves 12:30 on the dot, not a minute less or more. Another example is when he is given coffee. Surely, he would be extremely hesitant since it would deviate from the food that he is used to, and it would cause him anxiety. Maybe when Baekhyun tried to pull him down a path, his heart started hammering or he felt nauseous. Maybe the room spun a bit or he felt like he swallowed a cement brick.

I did find that the way Jongdae speaks in the story effectively shows his condition. The simple act of repeating what Baekhyun says and his questions about the figurative expressions clearly shows how he is lacking in the social department. The parts about the rules in conversations that are taught to Jongdae also bring attention to how he had to learn how to communicate properly. Good job!

As for Baekhyun, I can see that his character’s easy-going, friendly, and considerate. He is neither pushy nor slow in understanding Jongdae’s needs. Their partnership is really cute, and it’s easy to see how they complement each other. Baekhyun is a patient change. My only concern with his character is that his background is not explored. You’ve shown that he is the son of a hotel owner, but we don’t get much insight about this aspect of his character. What does he feel about it? How does this aspect affect who he is?

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice
1.Verb tense:

Jongdae was absolutely sure that the screw hadn’t been missing the day before, and while the lack of a screw didn’t compromise the structural integrity of the bench, it was very jarring.

The past perfect verb “hadn’t” should only be used for an action that comes before another action. For instance, you can use “had not” in this sense:

She had not taken her pills before going to bed.

The action of taking her pills comes before the action of going to bed, so the past perfect form of the verb is used. Since the excerpt above does not present an action that comes after the screw being missing, the use of “hadn’t” does not fit. I suggest that you use the simple past “wasn’t.” Make sure that use the proper tenses for your verbs!

2. Run-on:

Jongdae hoped that it would be fixed soon; he couldn’t change benches and the absence of the screw on the end of the bench was distracting him from his lunch.

Run-ons happen when you do not separate two independent clauses properly. In the excerpt shown, your sentence is lacking a comma to separate the first independent clause (he couldn’t change benches) and the second independent clause (the absence of the screw on the end of the bench was distracting him from his lunch). You should place a comma before the coordinating conjunction, like so:

Jongdae hoped that it would be fixed soon; he couldn’t change benches, and the absence of the screw on the end of the bench was distracting him from his lunch.

3. Clarify some sentences

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae acknowledged before turning back to his book. Baekhyun sighed from above him.

In the excerpt above, you wrote that Baekhyun sighed “from above him.” Baekhyun was above Jongdae? The image conveyed by this sentence is confusing, even a bit hilarious. You should make sure that your sentences are clear. Where exactly was Baekhyun?

Flow
There are parts where you merged the dialogue with narration. This concern creates a flow in your story that is hard to follow because your readers will not know who is speaking. Take a look at this example from your story:

“You’ll find I’m not most people.” Jongdae looked down, smiling.

In the excerpt above, a readers might think that Jongdae is the one talking, but in your story, the latter sentence is only Jongdae’s reaction to the dialogue. You should separate the dialogue from the narration, and make sure that it is clear who is talking. Here is a revised version of the excerpt above:

“You’ll find I’m not most people.”

Jongdae looked down, smiling.

Because the dialogue is separated from the narration, it is easier to see that Jongdae was not the one who spoke. The flow of the story is also easier to follow.

Next, I like how the pace is slow and sweet. The budding romance between the two isn’t rushed to the point where one would feel that they don’t know each other well enough to harbor these feelings. Because the pace is slow, we’re able to focus more on the slow and steady change from Jongdae and the development of trust between the two.

There is one decision that I find is rushed: the one where Jongdae agrees to let Baekhyun teach him spontaneity. Just after Baekhyun proposes his idea, there wasn’t a pause or a moment of reflection for Jongdae. That, to me, feels a bit rushed because I do understand having a desire to stick to routines, and the idea of deviating from this routine and trying different changes is terrifying. I thought that there would be a short hesitation or a feeling of anxiety for Jongdae, but in your story, Jongdae readily agrees. One would be hesitant to agree to that since it is a big change, especially for someone who sticks to routines as strictly as Jongdae would.

Presentation
The colors in the background and in the poster are really nice and give off the soft romantic feel present in your story. However, the placement of the pictures of the characters makes it a bit difficult to view them. I had to strain my neck to look at the pictures before I realized I could just turn the screen of my laptop.

The font is small in your Foreword and story, and this size can make it harder for your readers to read your story. I had to zoom in to read the story because no matter if I choose the biggest size font option for your story, the letters are still small.

Overall Enjoyment
I certainly enjoyed reading your story! There were definitely parts where I laughed and found Jongdae endearing, and there were parts that demanded that “aww!” response. Your piece is fluffy and sweet, but not too sweet that it can rot teeth! Well done!

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