Drunk

A Fangirl's Dream

*Key’s POV*

When I got outside I searched everywhere for Brianna, but I couldn’t find her.

“Darn it!” I shouted, kicking the fountain next to me. “Ow!” I grabbed my toe and sat down on the edge of the fountain. “I love you so much Brianna,” I sobbed, grabbing my heart. “I’m sorry! I need you… Please, I need you.”

*Brianna’s POV*

I watched from the bushes as Key called out for me, sobbing. My heart ached to go hold him, but I couldn’t. Key and I were done. I watched as he got up and began walking toward the exit of the hospital parking lot. I decided to follow him.

He walked out of the hospital area and down the sidewalk into the center of town. I tailed behind him as he searched for something. What is he looking for? He crossed the road, and I was about to cross after him, but the light changed and I had to wait. I watched as he disappeared around the corner.

“Crap!” I shouted. The light took foreverrrr, but as soon as it was clear I hurried across the road. “Now where did you go…?”

Most of the little shops I passed were closed (Oh it’s nighttime now by the way. The hospital was really busy so we had to wait two hours before they took Carolyn into an examination room. Then they were in the room for another three hours... I hate that problem! It’s like hospitals TRY to keep you as long as they can! Anyway…)

I walked around the few small blocks of the town. May I emphasize that this town was REALLY small. There was barely anything here! Finally I was back where I started. I cleared my head and tried to follow Key’s steps. This time a small building I hadn’t noticed before caught my eye.

Billy’s Bar

I tried to look into the small building, but the windows were all fogged up. Eh, it’s worth a shot. I hurried over to the door and stepped inside.

My lungs were immediately filled with smoke and the smell of alcohol. I looked around to see a bunch of creepy looking men with cigarettes and leather jackets. Some were looking at me strangely, while some were making me nervous. I knew not to show any signs of fear, and marched confidently to a table in the corner.

I hid my face behind the menu while I searched for Key. Thankfully I looked a little older than my real age, or they probably would’ve kicked me out considering I’m 3 years below the legal drinking age.

It wasn’t too hard to find Key. He was the only one in the whole building wearing pink; typical diva. He was at the bar. I watched as the bar tender set a shot glass filled with a yellow tinted liquid in front of him. Key took the drink in a shaky hand and gulped it down in one go, tilting his head back. He held the small glass over his mouth, trying to value every little bit of the drink.

“There’s nothing left in it boy,” I heard the bartender say.

“Please, one more,” Key begged, slamming the empty glass down on the counter.

“You got the money for it?”

Key took out his wallet and searched through it. He dumped out a load of coins onto the counter.

“Ah forget it. Just leave! You don’t have more than 50 cents there,” the bartender said walking away.

Key laid his head down on the counter, and I was shocked when he actually started crying. He looked around and slowly reached behind the counter. I didn’t know how many drinks he’d had so far, but I could tell it was definitely enough to get him drunk.

“Hey! What are you doing kid?! I said get out!” the bartender yelled when he saw Key reaching for the alcohol behind the counter. “Boys!”

Two big men got up from a table a little ways away and made their way towards Key. When they got there, they each grabbed an arm and pulled him toward the exit.

“Please! I just need one more!” Key practically screamed in desperation as they carried him out of the bar.

I waited a few minutes until the men finally came back and sat down again. I casually got up and slipped out the door. When I got outside I looked around for Key, but I didn’t see him anywhere. Where did that diva go…?

Suddenly I heard a groaning coming from the alley. I peaked around the side of the bar to see a body lying on the ground against the side of the building. The person lay there in a puddle of who knows what. I could see that him clothes were all torn up. A car drove by just then, revealing the person’s physical features with its headlights. What I saw made tears come to my eyes.

It was Key. In the moment of light I could see that his face was bleeding. His body looked sore and beaten. Bruises covered his bare skin, and most likely the skin hidden under his torn clothing. I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I stepped into the alleyway.

“Key?” I called softly.

“Uhhhhh,” he groaned without moving.

I slowly walked to his side, but when I got there my feelings overwhelmed me. I dropped down to my knees.

“Oh Key, what did you get yourself into?” I asked in disbelief. I gently touched his beaten, bloody face.

“Uhhh!” he groaned, pulling away.

“Oh my sweet baby,” I whispered, gently caressing a part of his face that wasn’t bruised. I kissed him softly on the cheek.

After finding the least dirty spot against the wall that I could, I sat down and pulled Key over to me, resting his head in my lap. I took edge of my shirt and dabbed at the cuts on his face. My hands gently played with his fringe and I whispered comforting things in his ear. As angry as I was at Key, I couldn’t stand seeing him like this.

“Key,” I whispered, unsurprised when there was no reply. “I still love you Kim Kibum. I could never stop loving you.” I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. As I sat back up one of my tears fell on his cheek. I watched it slide down his beaten face. I couldn’t stay angry at this guy; there was no way. I was already feeling myself forgiving him in my heart. Key had me wrapped around his finger. It was inevitable… I was drunk on Key’s love.  

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~