Average

A Fangirl's Dream

*Key’s POV*

Thankfully the zoo wasn’t very crowded. In fact, there were so few people that at first sight I thought it was closed. I mean it wasn’t as big as Bronx Zoo or anything, but it was fairly large which made it even more surprising.

“Gift shop!” Taemin exclaimed as we crowded into the main building. He ran toward the little store, but stopped when he remembered Carolyn was on crutches. He came back and walked at Carolyn’s pace to the gift shop, though it was obvious he was itching to go explore.

“Yes, you kids can go look around while I check us in,” the manager said, waving a hand at us before walking over to the front desk.

We explored the little gift shop together. Since there were so many of us we practically filled the room ourselves. One woman sat behind the cash register flipping through a People magazine while twirling a strand of her curly brown hair. She barely paid us any mind.

We “split up” the best we could, all with the same idea in mind: Find something to buy for our lover. I racked my brain for all of Brianna’s likes and dislikes.

Brianna likes jewelry, ne? She’s always wearing those stretchy bracelets. Maybe I’ll see if they have any here! Oh Key, that’s tacky! Okay, I’m going to buy her something NICE.

I hurried over to a table filled with trinkets and jewelry, but got distracted by all the pretty watches and rings. For being a small store they definitely sold some valuable stuff!

“Oh-Ehm-Oh this is the ugliest monkey I’ve ever seen,” Vanessa whined behind me while making a disgusted face at the plush toy in her hands.

Nicole, who I was standing next to me admiring the animal necklaces, turned to look at the toy.

“Yeah, it looks like you,” she said casually while turning back to look at the jewelry.

I couldn’t help but let out a snicker.

“What?” Nicole asked, still not taking her eyes off the peacock necklace in one hand and the tiger necklace in the other.

“Oh, it’s just what you said was so funny,” I explained. “By the way I think the peacock one would look best on you. It’ll bring out the green flecks in your eyes while the darker shades tie in your deep hair color.”

“You think so?” she asked, holding it up to her and looking in the little mirror that was placed on the table.

“Yeah; here let me show you,” I said, setting down the bracelet in my hands and taking the necklace from her.

I unlatched it and slipped it around her neck while she lifted her hair. After attaching it again she let her hair fall and stared at herself in the mirror.

“See how this green part is making your eyes pop more?” I asked, reaching around her to point out the part of the necklace I was referring to.

“Oh, yeah! I see it! Thank you,” Nicole smiled, turning around to face me.

*Brianna’s POV*

I was so consumed in my search for the perfect ‘key’ chain for Key that I didn’t even notice what was happening on the other side of the store. I looked up with a smile at the sound of Key’s cute laugh, but my smile immediately faded. Key and Nicole were talking, but they seemed to be acting reallyyyy friendly.

What the heck?! I thought as Key slipped a necklace around her neck. The worst part was when he reached his arm around her. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I marched over to where the two were standing.

“Key,” I said, causing him to immediately turn around.

“Oh, hi Brianna! I need your opinion. Doesn’t this necklace look much better on Nicole than that one?” He pointed to a tiger necklace on the table.

“I think they’d both look good,” I shrugged.

“Ahh, that’s because you’re not looking at it through a diva’s eyes. If you look closely this tiger necklace is just average, while the peacock one has more flair and looks better. Therefore you’d be getting a better look and better quality for the same amount of money.”

I stared blankly at my fashion-sensitive boyfriend.

“Thank you soooo much Key,” Nicole said, breaking the silence. “I think it looks fantastic. I couldn’t imagine accidentally picking the wrong one!”

“It’s no problem,” Key smiled back.

Nicole reached up and hugged –yes HUGGED- Key before flashing him one last smile and waddling off to the register. Key turned to face me, his face immediately dropping when he saw my expression.

“What’s that look for?”

“What the heck was that?!” I asked.

“What are you talking about?” Key raised a confused eyebrow at me.

“You hugged her, you smiled, you laughed, you told her fashion advice and you made me feel like an idiot!”

“Okay, first off I was just being helpful. When someone is in need of fashion advice, it’s my job to help them. It’s my contribution to eliminating bad fashion.”

“Well that’s good for you,” I said sarcastically.

“Okay, you seriously need to calm down. And what were you talking about, saying I made you feel like an idiot?”

“Wow, Key. Are you serious right now?”

“Yes! I’m dead serious!”

I just shook my head, unable to believe my boyfriend’s insensitivity.

“You know what, if you don’t want to tell me; fine! I was planning on picking out a piece of jewelry for you, but apparently my fashion opinions aren’t allowed here! So why don’t you just pick one out yourself!” Key snapped.

“Fine! You want to know which one appeals to me?!” I grabbed the tiger necklace off the table and shoved it into Key’s hand. “Let’s see if this will ring a bell for you. Or maybe my likes and dislikes are too average for you to remember!”

I stopped off in anger, leaving Key to stare at the necklace with my favorite animal print on it.

He knows I like that print! He was even the one to suggest making a tiger print dress as his next design. Yet, there he goes calling it average. AVERAGE. Well fine! Maybe he’d be better off this that fashionista Nicole anyway, cause you know she wears NAME BRAND while I wear AVERAGE. Average will never be good enough for him.

The word rattled around in my head while I sat all alone on the bench outside the store waiting until everyone was done.

Average.

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~