My Weaker Side

A Fangirl's Dream

*Key’s POV*

I peaked over my sunglasses to see Brianna dipping her toes in the lake water. I had rented this whole beach out just for us, so I was glad to see that at least she was enjoying it.

I ducked back under the cover of my shades as she turned and began walking toward me. Being honest, I really didn’t mind her bathing suit cover-up; it was actually kind of cute on her, especially paired with her white sunglasses. (http://cheapdiva.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83455806f69e20133ed720f95970b-320wi).

“Hey, Key, do you think we’re allowed to use that kayak over there?” she asked, stopping in front of me.

I looked up at her, over the top of my shades, “Probably, considering I rented this WHOLE beach for the day.”

*Brianna’s POV*

Gosh, he’s never gonna let that go, is he?

I rolled my eyes.

“Well, do you wanna try it?”

“Try what?” he asked, taking off his sunglasses all together.

“Kayaking!”

“Ha! Funny; no!”

“Pleaseeeee?”

“NO!”

“Look, if you just do this with me, then I promise I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the day,” I proposed, knowing he’d accept.

“Ugh, FINE. But you better leave me alone, or you’ll owe me!”

------------------------------- 

“This is harrrrdddd,” Key whined from behind me.

“Key, we haven’t even been paddling for ten minutes!”

“I’m tireddddd.”

“Will you just shut up and paddle!” I snapped back at him over my shoulder. “Ow-,” I felt something hard hit me in the back of the head. I looked back to see Key holding his paddle, a big grin plastered on his face.

“Stuck up diva,” I mumbled turning to face the front again.

“Immature child!” he snapped back.

“That’s it Key! I’m done with you! As soon as we get back to shore I’m leaving!”

“How do you expect to get home?!”

“I’ll walk!”

I dug my paddle harder into the water, trying to contain my anger.

“Yeah right, you wouldn’t last one mile!”

“I’d last longer than you on your little princess legs!”

“That’s it!” Key yelled, standing up.

“Key, no! Stop! What are you-,” But it was too late. The kayak rocked back and forth once before dumping us into the chilly water.

*Key’s POV*

“Ahhhhhhh!” Brianna’s scream was ear piercing.

“Shuuuuuut uuuuuup!” I yelled at her, but stopped when I saw her face.

She was clinging onto the kayak, looking close to tears.

“What’s wrong with you? I should be the one crying! My outfit is ruined now-,”

“F-f-f-fish,” she squeaked out. She tried to climb on top of the kayak, but only managed to flip it over, sending her back into the water.

“What about the fish?”

“There’s big fish! Scary fish! I-I-I…”

“You’re afraid of fish?” I asked in astonishment.

“Yes, okay?!” She screamed.

As much as I hated her, I felt a tug in my heart when I saw tears start falling out of her eyes. I swam over to her, resting one arm on the kayak and wrapping my other around her waist.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” I comforted her as she clung onto me. I liked seeing her weak like this. It was cute; but not an immature cute.

“Now I’m not going to let any fish get you, but you’re going to have to help me pull the kayak to shore, okay?”

She nodded as she put one hand on the little boat, and began paddling with the other.

It didn’t take long for us to reach the shore, mostly because Brianna was paddling like a mad woman.

*Brianna's POV*

We dragged the kayak up onto the shore before both collapsing on the white sand. We laid there for a few minutes, the only sounds being the small waves lapping on the beach and our heavy breathing. I looked over at Key at see him lying with his eyes shut, his chest rising up and down with every deep breath he took.

“Thank you,” I finally whispered.

He opened his eyes and turned to look at me.

“Well, at least I learned one thing,” he said taking a deep breath.

“What’s that?”

 “I’m never making you fried fish for dinner.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just had to share this picture with you guys<3333

 Shinee-j1970.jpg

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~