Opinions

A Fangirl's Dream

*Onew’s POV*

I waited nervously along with my dongsaengs for the girls to come out of the hotel. We hadn’t seen them all day because they went dress shopping and were getting all fixed up for the dance. The manager currently had us waiting outside the hotel in front of the limo that would be bringing us to the dance. Butterflies of anticipation fluttered in my stomach.

Come on Onew; you’re a grown man! Relax.

Finally the door opened…

*Taemin’s POV*

Aigoo, she’s beautiful!

I caught my breath as Carolyn stepped out of the building and onto the sidewalk. Her curly red hair cascaded over her shoulders, meeting the top of her snow white dress. I could’ve sworn she was glowing from her immense beauty. I took her hand and helped her into the limo.

“You look beautiful,” I marveled.

I was so glad we were the first ones in the limo, so I could tell her how gorgeous she was privately. I would feel so embarrassed in front of my hyungs, because I know they’d tease me for the rest of my life.

“Haha thanks Taemin,” she giggled, covered her smile with one of her delicate hands.

“No, don’t,” I said, removing her hand from in front of her face. “I like your smile.”

The breathtaking smile spread across her face again, this time without being hidden. I couldn’t take it anymore. I kissed those sweet, smiling lips.

*Minho’s POV*

Wow, she’s really pretty!

I couldn’t deny how beautiful Nicole looked in her royal blue, poofed out gown. It made her look sweet and innocent. The fact that I knew how she really was kind of ruined it though. I offered her my hand, which she took lightly, and I helped her into the limo.

“Well how do I look!” she asked me as I climbed into the limo after her.

“You look nice,” I answered, taking my seat across from Taemin.

“Just nice?! Wow; I go out and search high and low for a beautiful dress, spend all day getting ready, and all I get is ‘you look nice’?!”

She rolled her eyes as she reached for a magazine sitting on top of the mini fridge.

Yup; knowing her definitely ruins it.

*Key’s POV*

“Well, I supposed I can get in the limo now huh? Nobody to wait for,” Jonghyun reasoned out loud as he climbed into the vehicle.

I was utterly nervous. Ever since I came to the realization that I didn’t hate Brianna -that I really cared about her- I felt as if all my self-confidence was gone. I was afraid to face her.

My heart almost stopped as she stepped out the door. She was… there were no words to describe her. Her dirty blonde hair was half up, half down, in a curly style. She wore a knee length cotton dress, which white with small, black polka dots. White and black ribbon circled the dress around her waist and at the bottom. It was a simple dress, but she made it look like a million dollars.

I couldn’t let her know my feelings now.

“Wow, you should’ve let me pick the dress,” I sneered. “I would’ve chosen something MUCH more flattering.”

“Shut up,” she said, hitting me on the arm as she climbed into the limo herself.

Aigoo, I love when she’s angry..

I took a deep breath before ducking into the extended vehicle.

*Onew’s POV*

I was the only one left standing on the sidewalk. Each second that ticked by seemed like a lifetime. I just wanted to see her.

Come on Rebecca, where are you? Just come out-

My mind went blank when I saw her. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering at full speed now. I watched her beautiful curls bounce as she made her way toward me. Her dress was white with a red and pink flowers printed on it, along with light green leaves. A ribbon was pulled back and tied around her waist, forming a cute bow in the back. The dress flowed outward toward the bottom.

“Y-y-you look great,” I said. I took a step toward her, offering my hand, but accidentally tripped over my own feet and fell to the ground.

“Oh my gosh are you okay?!” she asked, hurrying to my side.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” I said, brushing myself off as she helped me up.

Way to make a fool of yourself. Stupid Onew! Stupid!

“Sorry,” I apologized when I was back on my feet.

“No need to be sorry,” she smiled at me. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yes,” I assured her.

As we climbed into the limo I prayed that tonight would go better than how it started. 

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~