One Down Two to Go

A Fangirl's Dream

*Meanwhile…*

*Nicole’s POV*

As soon as we got into the rest stop building I set my plan into action.

“Oh, I don’t really need to go anymore,” I announced.

“What?!” the manager yelled at me.

I just shrugged like What-Are-You-Gonna-Do-About-It?

He groaned then headed toward the bathrooms with everybody else.

I waited outside the bathrooms until my target finally came out.

“Ah, Taemin, everybody is taking so long and I’m bored,” I complained, taking him by the arm. “Will you come look around in the gift shop with me?”

“Sure, noona,” he smiled at me.

He looked so innocent, but my plans didn’t care about innocent. Innocent was boring. I needed adventure and drama.

I took him by the hand and led him to the gift shop. We looked around at all the little trinkets and clothing items.

“Haha, don’t I look cool?” Taemin laughed, turning to look at me wearing the pair of yellow shutter shades he’d picked up.

“Totally,” I laughed. “What do you think of this bling?” I held out my hand which had a ring pop on each finger.

“That’s awesome!” Taemin shouted.

“Wanna get this stuff?”

“Really?” Taemin asked in surprise.

“Sure! I’ll buy,” I smiled, but my smile wasn’t for Taemin. I smiled because I noticed Carolyn watching from outside the store, an angry expression on her face. Everything was falling perfectly into place.

*Carolyn’s POV*

I watched as the two of them laughed and messed around together. As they approached the cash register, I almost died at what she did. She slipped her hand into one of his jean pockets.

I saw Taemin laugh at her action then pull away. I was glad he pulled away, but why was he laughing? What I saw next made my heart stop. As they walked away from the counter with their purchases, Taemin threw his arms around Nicole, giving her a huge hug.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I stomped out of the building and out to the van.

*Minho’s POV*

Rebecca was sitting on my lap facing me now. My hands were tangled up in her long curly hair. Somehow my tongue had found its way into and was playing with her top retainer. I wanted to keep going, but I knew we couldn’t; and plus, I would never do that to Rebecca; she was too innocent. I could tell she was a and I wanted her to stay that way. I respected girls like that. Still, I was enjoying this make-out session.

Suddenly a noise came from outside the van. Rebecca turned back into her seat just as the door opened and Carolyn came in. She said nothing. She didn’t even look at us, which was good because both our hair was a mess since we hadn’t had time to fix it. She just sat in her seat with her arms crossed.

I glanced over at Rebecca to see her chest rising and falling heavily. We were both panting as quietly as we could. Thankfully Carolyn put in her earphones. Muse came blasting the speakers so loud that it sounded like it was playing from the van’s radio.

“We don’t tell anyone about this, okay?” I directed, taking Rebecca’s hand.

“Why not?” she asked puzzled.

“I don’t want the manager kicking you out for disobeying. I can’t lose you.”

*Rebecca’s POV*

Minho, stop saying things like that. I feel bad enough using you to get over Onew. I just hope one day I can REALLY care about you as much as you care about me.

I felt like the worst person on the planet.  

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~