Getting Closer

A Fangirl's Dream

*Carolyn’s POV*

I clapped as Taemin finished his momentary dance session with a little http://th942.photobucket.com/albums/ad263/strawberryturtle/GIF%20Album/th_Dancetaemin2.gif.

“Haha, Tae you are too cute!” I remarked.

He began to pout, “Cute?”

“In a manly way of course,” I winked.

A smile spread across his face as he walked over and joined me on the picnic bench which we had dragged over to the fire. 

“I need to confess something.”

I looked over to see Taemin with his head down, playing with his hands in his lap.

“What is it Tae?” I asked, slightly concerned.

“Well, today when you were changing behind the tree. You told me not to look and I didn’t. But then you said my name so I thought you were done. I turned and I saw…” he paused.

I sat straight up, “What did you see?!”

“I saw your… b-bra. It was hanging from the tree and-,” He looked at me in shock as I began to laugh. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh Taemin, you are just the cutest man ever. I love you!”

I kissed him on the cheek, turning his face redder than a tomato.

*Onew’s POV*

“I guess we should go to bed now,” I said, standing.

“Can’t we stay up and talk a little longer?” Rebecca begged, grabbing my hand.

“Haha, no we should really go to bed.”

“Okay,” she said sadly, letting go of my hand.

“Good night,” I called over to her as I ped my tent.

“Good night Oppa,” she said timidly before ducking into her own tent.

I lay in my sleeping bag thinking over the day’s events.

Please let this camping trip bring us closer. I can’t stand the thought of losing another chance of being with her. I need to feel her in my arms… hear her voice whisper in my ear… feel her soft lips pressed against mine-

“Oppa?” Iwas jerked back to reality at the sound of Rebecca’s voice outside my tent. “Oppa, it’s me.”

“Come in.” I answered softly. I sat up as she ped the door of the tent and crawled inside.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I-I got scared. Can I sleep in here with you?”

My mind began to race. She wants to sleep with me?! Okay, she wants to SLEEP with me. It’s okay. All we’re going to do is sleep. I’m 23 and she’s 15, and all we’re going to do is sleep. She thinks of me as a friend and that’s all.

“Sure,” I finally answered.

“Thanks.” I could tell she was blushing.

I rearranged my blankets so that we each had our own and we’d lay on top of my sleeping bag. She crawled over and lay down next to me. I laid down with my back toward her, trying to leave as much space between us as I could (If you’ve ever been in a one-person tent before, you’d understand how hard that would be). I wasbeginning to grow really uncomfortable however, and eventually relaxed, letting my body brush against hers.

Suddenly I felt something across my waist. I looked down to see her hand resting on my stomach. I smiled and snuggled closer to her.

We’re only sleeping…

“Good night yebo,” I smiled as I closed my eyes, but she was already fast asleep.

 

 

 

 

It wasn't until I put that picture up and it got bigger that I noticed a litle something on Taemin's neck..... o.O ^

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Woobear27
Just letting those of you who are wondering that YES there WILL be a sequal to this story^.^ I am in the process of writing it right now!

Comments

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EHhyung
#1
Really nice story and I really love it so much
sinebright1095 #2
I love it :)
writerinprogress94
#3
Chapter 6: Second review of the day! Let's do this! Chapters 3-6, woo! (And this is why I shouldn't have caffine...)
I don't think I caught any spelling or grammar errors in the last 4 chapters. There might have been a few places where the wrong punctuation sign was used, but other than that, 9.5/10 on grammar and spelling.
I feel like there wasn't as much description in the last four chapters, but there was definately more dialogue so it balanced out. 8.5/10 on word choice.
Your sentence structure was still a bit choppy in places, but your transitions were flawless. You moved very smoothly from one chapter or POV to another. 9/10 on sentence structure and transitions.
The characters are filling out very nicely! 9/10
Continuation value?
...
...
... 80/100 :D
Now on to the next chapter!
writerinprogress94
#4
Chapter 2: seem a bit choppy. Maybe if they were combined...? Your transitions between ideas, paragraphs, and POVs were all "Sipjeom Manjeome Sipjeom!(10 out of 10)" Yay for 2PM reference :D
Dear lord, I've had to split this into 2 comments XP Me and my rambling...
Point #4~ Charcters! Any writer who's tried to write several OC's at once can appreciate the difficulty of having to give them each their own unique persona without making them a Mary-Sue. Even though by chapter two I've only seen your OC's a bit, they're all distinguishable from each other. I also think you're doing great on SHINee's POV's, too!
Final point~ Continuation value? (I believe I made up this phrase, but feel free to use it as long as you credit me XD)
In many longer stories, if by around the 5th to 10th I'm not enjoying it or interested for whatever reason, I'll stop reading. Your story, by chapter 2, is already at a 70/100 (which can drop or go up. I can already tell, though, that it'll be at least a 90/100 by the end!)
That's all until my next review! If these long reviews bother you, tell me and I'll shorten them :3
writerinprogress94
#5
Chapter 2: Even though the story is already completed, I'm still going to comment every few chapters. As an author I know how helpful feedback is!
First off, I don't think I caught any grammar or spelling mistakes in the last 2 chapters except for in Minho's POV in Chapter 1. You typed "Ewe, in a public restroom?" for Key's dialogue. "Ewe", spelled E-W-E, is a female sheep. Suggestions for the future or if you want to change it~ "Gross", "Nasty", "Disgusting", or simply "Ew"(sorry if I come across as a know-it-all, I don't try to XD). The only questionable thing is in the first sentence of Onew's POV in Chapter 2 you put "Her drooling words". Obviously I'm not all-knowing (who is, right?) so just because I don't know what that means doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you mean she's actually drooling? Could you clarify? I might want to use that word/phrase in the future, but I'd want to use it correctly! :3
Okay, now to the second point! Your word choice, which I mean by everything like your descriptions/imagery (like how the mansion was described during Key's POV in Captper 1; I don't know about you but writing the detailed descriptions is always the most tedious part of writing the story for me, so I applaud you! :D) to using words other than "said" for dialogue (one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves is when I find a story that has an amazing foreward, then I go to the first chapter and the whole thing is in "'Blah blah blah' said ___" format. Therefore, I really appreciate how you used things like *checks story quickly* "smiled"/"laughed"/"carried on"/etc.) That's really all I have to say on this point.
Point #3~ Sentence structure and segways/transitions between sentences and POVs! Over all in these first two chapters I'd give the sentence structure an 8.5/10. Some of the sentences just seemed a bit choppy. Like in Carolyn's POV in chapter 2 she says/thinks "Most people would've called it gay. I found it utterly attractive." The way they are now at the end of the paragraph they just
writerinprogress94
#6
I can't wait to read this! I listened to the piano cover while I read the opening and I swear I could actually see the whole thing! I can't wait to finish this story and head over to the sequel!
KhKheiselle0901 #7
Chapter 135: Welcome XD :D i just love this story..
EvrydayIsaShiningDay #8
Chapter 135: okay can i just say i was really confused when i saw that this was updates. xD same goes for the sequal. xD
danlyy
#9
That closure is so sad for minho...I suspect its Brianna who's become a black and red girl:/
CookieDookie #10
Ooh sequel :D
Can't wait ~