Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
-Oscar Wilde

 

CHAPTER 35

Yoona froze.

“..I can’t feel my legs.. I can’t! why…? Answer me!”  

“..I..I..” was dry as Siwon asked…almost begged for her to answer. Then it dawned on her. This was what Mrs. Choi had been hiding.

“ANSWER ME!!” Siwon forcefully tugged her arm.

She couldn’t answer. No. She did not want to answer. To see him confused yet scared was beyond heartbreaking“..o-oppa..”

Upon seeing her tears, he tore his grip. His eyes roamed around the room, searching for something with a crazed look on his face. Before Yoona could fathom what he was searching for, he grabbed a fork from the untouched food on the bedside desk and swiftly stabbed it on his leg.

Yoona screamed.

The door banged open, Mrs. Choi and the Doctor entered, panting and worried. “Yoona-?”

Before Mrs. Choi had taken notice, Siwon aimed for another jab. But Yoona immediately tackled his arm with all her might. She could feel his blood on her skin.

“..OPPA! PLEASE…PLEASE…”

“SIWON!” Mrs. Choi screamed.

Siwon released the fork, a look of utter disbelief in his eyes. “did you see that? Did you see? My blood was squirting out from my skin and yet…and yet… I couldn’t feel anything.”

He looked at the doctor, “…like magic…”

“calm down kid—“

“WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!”

Mrs. Choi was crying as the doctor sighed. “ the impact from the collision had damaged a certain part of your spinal cord. This had caused your legs paralysis.”

Mrs. Choi sat down beside him and started wiping the blood on his legs. Siwon remained silent. Yoona tried to hold his hand again, but he dismissed it. She backed away, hurt, but did not dare show it.

“just leave me alone.” He declared.

“but Siwon—“

“Mom. Please. Just let me be.”

His mother sighed. “don’t do anything rash.” She stood up and walked towards the door, followed by the doctor. Yoona was about to go out too when Siwon called her.

“Yoona.”

Startled by his coldness, she turned and met his numbing gaze.

“Do not come and see me again.”

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“I told you to not come and see me.” Siwon spoke. His voice venomous and cold. Tearing Yoona apart piece by piece.

He had been ordering her to not visit him, to not see him for a couple of days now. And everytime he says that, the hurt she feels doubled. But she did not waver. She would give him a small smile, as if she did not hear anything. She looked pathetic, and dumb, but she would never, ever give Siwon up.

“did you already eat?” she asked, trying hard to keep her emotions masked.

Siwon stared at her. “stop being so stubborn. Leave. And don’t come back.”

Stab.

“I do not want to see you again.”

Stab.

“stop.” Yoona whispered. She set the food she spotted at the nearby table to Siwon and sat beside him. “Eat.”

He did not budge.

“Fine then.” She spooned the soup and tried to shove it at Siwon’s mouth. But he pushed her hand away, making her loose her grip. The spoon toppled to the floor, its contents smeared the blankets.

Maintaining her cool façade, she bent down and retrieved the spoon, took a couple of tissue and wiped the blanket clean. She then looked up and met his gaze, only to be taken aback at the emotion she had read.

And it tore her again.

She choked back her tears. “You’re not a good actor. I know that you are intentionally doing this for my sake. It pains you to treat me like this; I can see it in your eyes. I know it hurts you as much as it hurts me. You know you can’t win against me. I’m a stubborn little fellow. No matter what you say, I will still come back. I will still feed you even if you push my hand away. I will still try to hold you even if you coldly dismiss me and—“

“stop it.”

“--I will continue to love you even if it will slowly kill me.”

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Siwon watched Yoona stir in her sleep.

She was seated beside the bed, her head resting near his hand. If he wanted to, he could reach out and touch her. But no. She needed rest, needed sleep, because she looked tired. Probably tired in dealing with him.

He knew that he was being a total jerk, and it pained him to see her hurting at his venomous words. But in his twisted thinking, she deserves someone better. Someone who can protect her, someone who isn’t invalid, someone who can walk.

He loved her to deepest pit of his heart, that to see her suffer with him was something he could never accept.

He sighed.

The door creaked open and his mother entered with a solemn expression on her face. “I talked to the doctor.” She said, keeping her voice low so as not to wake Yoona.

He stared, uninterested. He needed not to hear anything about his condition anymore. It was tiresome and a bit annoying.

“after further test and recommendation from other experts, they found a chance for you to recover.”

Again, he sighed. “don’t make me hope mom.”

His mother sat down and held his hand. She was obviously glowing and happy. “I’m not giving you false hope. I personally met the doctor who can perform a certain type of surgery. And he said that the chances are big, and that after that, you need to do therapy. In a year or two, you will be able to walk again.”

Siwon smiled for the first time after the accident. “then that’s a good news.”

“It is! Imagine how happy your friends will be when they hear it. And Yoona too, she would be ecstatic and—“

“can we do the surgery abroad?”

Mrs. Choi went silent. She searched his eyes, as what she always does when she wanted to know the answer behind the unspoken question. A flicker of understanding crossed her eyes, as well as confusion.

“the doctors here are more than capable, Siwon.” She said softly, eyeing her son intensely.

A moment had passed before he spoke. “so are the doctors abroad mom.”

“why are you doing this Siwon?” she asked.

A stir made Siwon looked at Yoona. She was still sleeping so soundly, that it made his heart shatter. He reached and touched her cheek lightly.

“because I want to be a man worthy of her mom. I want to be a man who can protect her.”

He went silent for a little while. “I know she would be happy for me. I know she would always be by my side, even if I ask her to leave. Even if it is painful to be with me.  The surgery might be a success, but the therapy and recovery that will follow will not be easy. I will be subjected to a lot of pain. And I don’t want her to see me suffer. It will tear her apart. She had already suffered enough. I want…I want to spare her from suffering again.”

His mother sighed. “are you planning to leave for good?”

Siwon looked at Yoona, memorizing every line of her beautiful face. “She already had my heart, so there’s nothing I can do but to return to her right?”

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Yoona positioned herself beside the bed again, as what she would always do when she wanted to sleep. Siwon was already fast asleep.

She looked at his face, glad that some of his wounds had already healed. The color of his cheeks had returned, and he doesn’t look ghostly pale anymore…

A soft touch woke her up. Still sleepy, she yawned and lifted her head up. Siwon, wide awake, was smiling at her.

“..o-oppa..?”

“come.” He said, and gestured on his bed.

“..huh..?”

Siwon moved a little to the side to give her space on the bed. “Don’t ask. Just climb up her and sleep with me.”

She took off her shoes and positioned herself on the bed. She was so sleepy that she immediately shut her eyes.

A slow movement woke her up again, but she did not open her eyes. Her head was lifted a few inches from the pillow, and something smooth, yet warm had touched her skin. That something had found its way to her waist too. She was pulled close to something hard, warm, and extremely comfortable.

A smile crept across her face. She knew that she was being hugged by Siwon. Eyes still closed, she moved her arms and put it on his waist, pulling him close as well.

She never felt so contented.

“saranghae..oppa..”

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Humming her favorite song, Yoona walked towards the entrance of the hospital. A smile was evident across her face.

She was happy at the exchange she had with Siwon last night. They slept together blissfully. Feeling each other’s warmth. Such a simple moment, yet it made her so happy. She didn’t want to leave, didn’t want to break the embrace. But she had school. So, while Siwon was still sleeping, she slipped through his arms and went home. Eager to return after her class.

She arrived at Siwon’s room, knocked gently at the door. When no one answered, she opened it and went inside, only to be surprised at what she laid eyes on.

The bed was neatly piled. Empty.

The surprise turned to panic. She went to the bathroom but it was empty too. Confused and nervous, she was about to leave the room to go and find Siwon, when her eyes caught something.

There was a piece of paper on the bedside table.

She flopped down on the bed. Hands shaking uncontrollably, she took the paper and unfolded it. Her eyes b with tears, heart pounding so hard, as she read the letter…

Love,

I’m sorry. For leaving without saying goodbye. But I had to.

If I had seen you before the time of my departure, I would have changed my mind.

I made you suffer didn’t I? I made you cry, I hurt you, when I promised you that I would never let you cry again, that I would protect you no matter what happens.

You were so willing to suffer with me when you deserve to be smiling and laughing. You were willing to be with me even if I am inadequate. You loved me, despite of my condition.

And with that, I have loved you even more.

and realized that, I have to fix myself.

I had to leave. So that at the time that we shall meet again, I shall be whole, and shall be able to love you and protect you without restraint, without doubt.

I have loved you from the very depth of my soul. You have my heart, love. And no matter where I go, I will always be thinking of you. I will always return to you.

                                                                                                                                                                                -Siwon

The tears came rushing down her cheeks as pain like no other engulfed her. She clutched her chest, hoping that it would stop her heart from hurting. But it was painful, too painful, that she did the one thing she thought might help her from breaking apart.

She ran..

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