"The greatest tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love."

- W. Somerset Maugham

CHAPTER 26

Siwon had always been the kind of person who feels light every morning. Whatever happened the other day, may it good or bad, it vanishes the moment he opened his eyes from sleep. It is rare that he feels otherwise.

But today was different. Today was a rare exception. As he stared across the blackboard, doing his best to focus on the teacher’s lesson, his vision became somewhat blurry in an instant. He leaned back on his chair, closed his eyes and massaged his head. It wasn’t because of the light from the open glass window that made the writings on the board unfathomable. No. It was because, for a moment, he felt dizzy.

He opened his eyes again, and looked at the board. The writings on it had become undiscernable as every letter, in his vision, had become lopsided. He turned his eyes elsewhere, and discovered that not only the words on the board, but apparently everything had turned askew. He shut his eyes tight. Why do I feel so lightheaded?

“are you alright?” Eunhyuks’ familiar voice made him open his eyes. He turned his head slowly and stared at Eunhyuk sitting on a chair besided him. But to his dismay, even Eunhyuk had become blurry. So hazy that he could only discern the shape of his prominent jaw. His head is making a very lousy use of his eyes.

He blinked his eyes, an action which made him all the more dizzy. “God. Why does everything looked so unclear and...irregular? I can only distinguish your jawline. It seems like my head is tricking my eyes.”

Eunhyuk reached out to steady him up, as he was slowly descending sideways from his chair. As he held Siwons’ arm, he felt the heat seeping out from his bestfriends’ very skin. Even the fabric of his uniform could not hide the fact that his body temperature had sprung uncontrollably high. “you have a fever, a very high one. We should go to the infirmary.”

“Nah. I’ll be fine soon...” A lie. Siwon felt that everything had somehow worsened. He propped his arms on the desk and dropped his head on it.

“Alexander the Great wanted to conquer the world. But why does he so wanted to build an empire? What do you think Mr. Choi?”

Siwon raised his head. he knew that the teacher had asked him a question, but he could not remember what it was. “sir...?”

“you were not paying attention Mr. Choi.” The teacher repeated the question.

He slowly raised himself up, every vein on his trembling arms popping out from trying to support himself steady. He gripped the edges of his table, his whole body leaning forward. The ground was pulling him, dragging him to come fall on the cold floor.

“I...”his head was spinning like mad. Everything was twisting and swirling as he tried to muster whatever strength he had to keep himself steady. But his efforts were futile, as the arm which was supporting him slipped from grasping the edge of the table. He felt a stinging pain in his palm, but he could no longer process what it was because at the mere instant that his arm slipped, his whole body followed.

He knew that he was falling, but he also knew that he no longer has control of whatever’s happening. Every voice in the room was contorted with panic. His mind was giving him stimulus of warnings, but his body was already surrendering. He felt so weak.

Just as he was halfway through the ground, a strong hand gripped his shoulders so hard that the fingers almost dug on his skin, but for all its worth, the grip made his fall stop. He realized too that other pair of hands was trying to pull him up. When he was successfully heaved upright, he turned towards the person who saved him.

“God. Don’t scare me like that.” Eunhyuk was staring at him, horror-struck. His hand was still gripping Siwons’ shoulder tightly. “I almost had a heart attack.” His eyes travelled down to Siwons’ hand, and saw blood seeping out from a wound on his palm. The edge of the table had painfully lacerate his skin.

“are you alright Siwon?” the teacher asked, even when his vision was blured, he could tell that the teacher had turned chalk white.

“He’s not alright sir, I will accompany him to the infirmary if you may.” Eunhyuk stated, his voice shook with worry. He was dead scared earlier, when he saw Siwon lost his sense of balance. Good thing that his reflexes were quick, he managed to grab him hard on the shoulder, before its too late.

The teacher gulped. “of course.”

“can you walk?” Eunhyuk asked Siwon.

“I think I can...”Siwon answered, his voice almost inaudible.

Eunhyuk took Siwons’ one arm and rounded it on his own shoulder. They started to walk, Eunhyuk supporting his bestfriends’ weight. The heat coming from Siwon was really uncomfortable, like instead of supporting Siwon, he feels like he was carrying a surging bonfire. The blood oozing from his hand was creating tiny droplets on the floor.

Siwon rarely gets sick, but when he does, it was always like this. He remembered how Siwon was rushed to the hospital a long time ago, the reason was the same as now.

“are you alright?” he asked, seeing how Siwon dropped his gaze, his dizziness had worsened.

Siwon just shook his head. They were a few distances away from the infirmary when Siwon spoke. “don’t tell mom and Yoona. They will be dead worried when they find out. I’ll be fine after a good rest...I think”

“you should go to the hospital. Your temperature is very high. It’s not normal.” Eunhyuk reasoned.

Siwon sighed. “you know I hate hospitals. They remind me of funerals.”

Silence fell as Eunhyuk recognized the finality of his voice. “okay. If that’s what you want.”

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Yoona heard the ringing of the school bell, signalling that the morning class sessions had ended. She closed her notebook and put it inside her bag, as well as her books and pen. A classmate opened the door as she glanced up. Leeteuk was standing outside the door; his face was grim, like something was worrying him. He looked up, and their eyes met. He continued to look at her in a strange way until she could no longer take it. why do I feel nervous?

She her seat. “Sora, Leeteuk sunbaes’ outside, I think he’s waiting for you.”

Sora popped her head up. “Oh yeah.” She waved. Leeteuk gave her a half-smile and waved back. “shall we go?” she asked.

“You go first. I still need to find something on my bag.” She lied. The truth was, she didn’t want to go out when Leeteuk was still around. Somehow, the look and the expression he was showing off makes her anxious for no reason at all.

“okay then.” Sora stood up and went out.

Yoona looked at the pair of them, Leeteuk closing Soras’ hand on his, and then they walked and vanished from her vision. She stood up, took her bag and went out, expecting Siwon to be lurking outside, leaning on the wall waiting for her.

Except that no trace of Siwon can be found. She looked around, but the hall was empty. She walked the whole length of the hallway, thinking that maybe he was out hiding from her, eager to surprise her. But no, he wasn’t around. Where is he...

She continued to walk until she reached the stairs, she heard faint descending footsteps. She waited. Two figures appeared, students which Yoona knows so well. Tiffany was dragging Eunhyuk, who, for reasons she do not know, seemed to be rather reluctant to go down.

“I told you I promised Siwon not to tell her.” Eunhyuk spoke in a hurried tone. The two did not seem to notice Yoona on the bottom of the stairs.

“That’s not fair. We should tell her about it. Besides, it’s not a life-or-death situation. Yoona needs to know that---“

“what is it unnie? What should I need to know?” Yoona looked at them with questioning gaze.

The two appeared to be shocked at Yoonas’ emergence. Tiffany gulped. “well...uhh...Siwon almost collapsed to the floor because of extreme dizziness and high fever.”

“What?!” Yoona was taken aback at the information. Anxiety washed over her as she stood before the two. “where is he?” she asked, her voice urgent.

“he’s at the infirmary and—“

Without warning, Yoona ran and went down on the first floor, where the infirmary was located. Her hair blowing behind, she ran as fast as she could, wanting to see Siwon as soon as possible. When he reached the door of the infirmary, she turned the door knob and opened the door.

Siwon was lying on the bed, eyes closed, apparently sleeping. She walked towards him, careful not to create a sound that would wake him up. A blanket covered his torso down to his feet, one hand was placed on his chest, while the other on his side. She noticed his right palm was heavily bandaged, marks of blood can be found on it.

“oh. What are you doing here miss? Shouldn’t you be eating your lunch?” a mild voice spoke behind her. She turned around; the doctor was smiling at her.

“doc, is he alright? Why is there a wound in his palm? His temperature was it still high?” the questions poured like mad. She knew that she was being rude, ignoring the doctors’s question, but she wanted to know immeaditely.

The doctor did not seem to take any offense as he slipped his hands behind him and talked in a friendly manner. “he’s okay. Eunhyuk told me that he got the wound from his table, when he was supporting himself upright by clinging on its edge. So naturally, when his dizziness got into him, his hand slipped and the tip cut right through his skin. His fever seemed to have dropped now that he had taken the appropriate medicine and rest.”

“what’s the reason behind this doc?”

“overfatigue. It seemed that the excessive hardwork he put through his activities was too much for his young body to take. He is athletic, and healthy, but he is still a boy, and the workload he carries was too much of a strain for him, both physically and mentally.”

Yoona looked at Siwon and grimaced. The worry inside her did not subside. “Pabo...I had told him to not overexert himself. Look where it got him now.”

“don’t worry. He’ll be fine. When he wakes up, give him a piece of your mind okay? if you need anything, I’ll just be in my office.” The doctor went back to the adjacent door, where his office was located. He smiled at her and locked the door.

Yoona closed the distance between her and the bed where Siwon sleeps. She sat at the side of the bed, careful not to create a creaking sound. Her close proximity with Siwons’ body made her feel the heat from his skin. His temperature was still above normal, but the doctor said that it had dropped, an indication that Siwons’ fever was extremely high.

She looked at his wounded hand then up to his face. He was breathing normally, and he appeared to be so serene while sleeping, like a child. His long lashes were resting on his cheeks, his lips parted a bit. She smiled despite her anxiety. It was the first time that she saw Siwon sleeping; he looked really fragile and fascinating. She felt this sudden rush to touch his boyish face, to feel his cheek and the air he breathes...

She held out her hand, unconsciously reaching out to touch him, then she stopped. Siwon stirred, an action which made Yoona realize the foolishness of what she was about to do. She let her hand fall on her lap.

 She glanced around the room, remembering the first time she was confined in it. Siwon was the one who helped her when she almost fell in the stairs, the one who carried her and waited for her to wake up, so that he could safely bring her home. He was genuinely worried for her, although he was nothing but a complete stranger to her. how ironic. She thought. Today was like the reverse of what had happened. Siwon was the one laying on the bed, completely sick, and there she was, sitting beside him, worrying.

She had hated him before, for meddling with her affairs, she hated his guts too, for asking her to be his friend. But if it wasn’t for that day, she wouldn’t have the chance of knowing a very special person. She wouldn’t have the chance to be merry, to worry, and to threathen a basketball player for hurting him.

A smile escaped from her lips, as she stared at Siwons’ face. Upon remembering that day and the events that took place afterwards, a feeling rose inside her. Deep within the walls of her heart, a flower had bloomed into its most beautiful form...

Perfectly unconscious at the softening of her own expression, she spoke in a whispered voice...

“Saranghe...Oppa...”

The wind from the open window blew past her, as she sat frozen in Siwons’ bed. What she had just said lingered in her very own ears before her mind had processed it. When it dawned to her what she had just spoken, the feeling, the meaning, and everything else, her face heated up in what she was sure was a furious blush.

What...did I just say...?  she stood up, her whole body trembling at her own foolish realization. No...no...it was just a mere slip of the toungue...I didn’t mean it. did I?

She stood before Siwon, staring at him in complete confusion, her heart beating like mad. No...It can’t...be... and yet she was feeling the opposite. She knew, even if she denies it, that what she had uttered were the accurate description of her feelings...

The infirmary door opened, Tiffany came inside, humming to herself. She was carrying a plastic of food which was fit to feed an entire platoon. “Hey Yoona, I know you didn’t have lunch so I brough you some...” her voice died down as her gaze fell into Yoona. Her friend was standing rooted to the ground, eyes fixed at Siwon, confused and shocked. She was blushing furiously. It seemed to Tiffany that Yoona was fighting an inner battle. “What happened to you?” she asked.

Yoonas’ eyes transferred from Siwon to Tiffanys’ puzzled face. Without warning, she ran past Tiffany towards the door and out to the hallway.

“Hey! Yoona...! Wait!” Tiffany dropped the plastic bag and followed her, bewildred at Yoonas’ unusual behaviour. She reached the hallway but Yoona wasn’t there. Students were piling up, as lunchbreak was about to end, so it made her find Yoona more difficult. She inspected every room, even the school ground, but no trace of Yoona could be found. Where is she...

As a final resort, Tiffany went into the backyard, the only place where she had not checked yet. And sure enough, when she turned into a corner, Yoona was leaning on the large tree, breathing heavily, her expression crazed like a common lunatic.

She walked slowly towards her, catching her drained-out breath. “Yoona...what happened? what’s the matter with you?”

Yoona looked up, still dazed and confused. “unnie...I...about Siwon oppa...I...” To tell Tiffany about what happened was hard, especially when she herself could not fathom what just happened to her.

“what about him? if it’s about his sickness, don’t worry too much he will be fine soon and—“

“I told him that I love him.”

“—it will make him really sad---WHAT?” Tiffany gazed at her friend, open-mouthed.

Yoona was blushing from the roots of her hair down to her neck. “unnie...I...it just came out of my stupid mouth...I didn’t even realized that it had slipped out until much later...” she started to walk back and fourth, tugging her hair and sometimes smoothing her skirt. “no...it really can’t be unnie...it  was just because I was too worried for him...I didn’t mean it, did I?” she asked the very same question that was bugging her so much.

Tiffany pulled Yoonas’ arm to make her stop. “of course you mean it.” she answered simply, as if the matter was already resolved even before Yoona asked.

“what? I did? But why do I feel so confused?”

“have you ever been in love before?” Tiffany asked.

Yoona was a bit surprised at her unnie’s question. Of course, she had been in love before, with Donghae. Nobody knew that story except Siwon. “well...yes...I was...” was? She thought.

“And you were hurt?”

Yoona nodded slowly. “Yes.”

“Then that’s it. It was because you were hurt before that you had forgotten how it was like to feel love. You know, and I think you are well aware of it, people tend to forget something that had made them go through so much pain.”

Yoona slide down on the grassy land, the strength of her knees had gone. Her heart was throbbing like mad as Tiffanys’ words hit home.

Tiffany followed and sat beside her. “I’m actually quite surprised that you hadn’t realized it until now. For another person’s point of view,” she rolled her eyes. “let me rephrase that, in my personal perspective, you have been in love with him for quite some time now.”

“I have? But why I hadn’t notice it until now?”

Tiffany chuckled. “that’s the beauty of love. No one can actually notice it until one is actually possessed completely, that once you uttered it or release it or realized it, you already have no way out. Tell me Yoona, in all those times that you were with Siwon, did it ever feel like something had slowly, gradually grown inside you?”

Yoona thought. “oppa...I...yes...there is...if I can point it out, I think...what had grown inside me was friendship and... respect...”

Tiffany shook her head. “you are still in denial my friend. Maybe those things had grown as well, but you are still careful not to admit something more apparent, more essential than that.” She sighed and moved, so that she was face to face with Yoona. “I am going to ask you questions and you must answer it with all honesty. I am going to help you accept your own feelings.”

Yoonas’ eyes furrowed. “what...”

“are you ready?” Tiffany asked the same way as those quiz-masters in gameshows.

Yoona had no choice but to get along.

“what did you do when you found out Siwon was sick and was confined in the infirmary?”

“well I...I rushed towards him without even a backward glance at you and Eunyuk.”

“what made you oh-so keen to rush over him?”

A second passed by before she replied. “I was worried...extremely anxious to know if he’s alright.”

“was it only now that you feel like that?”

Yoona looked at her unnies’ face. “no...I feel worried when he overworks himself both physically and mentally...when that lunatic basketball player hurt him during the championship game...I feel just worried about him every now and then...”

“when he is in pain, and I’m talking about emotional pain, do you wish that you could somehow ease it in anyway that you can?”

A memory flashed in her, the one where Siwon told her everything that had happened in his family, and the one where she had fought with him and told him hurtful and senseless things. “Yes. And I wished that those pain could—“

“somehow be shared?” Tiffany commented.

“...yes...”

Tiffany went back to her formal gameshow-like voice. “what do you feel when you are with him? does your heart race?”

“yes. And there’s this funny sensation in my stomach...”

Tiffany smiled knowingly. “do you feel light when he smiles at you? Or that you feel like everything ‘s gonna be alright as long as he is there?”

“...yes and yes...”

“have you ever found yourself thinking about him everytime? Like he was still at the back of your mind even if you were busy doing something?”

“...yes...”

“do you miss him?”

Yoona thought about it and remembered the day where Siwon was absent because he had to visit his fathers’ and brothers’ grave. “I do.” And before she knew it, her thoughts rushed out into formless words. “and I miss him even if he is beside me. I wanted to see him everyday, to spend time with him. being with him was enough for me...” her eyes widened with surprise as she realized the sincerity of her words. Her eyes started to tear up as her denial wears off...and as she begins to accept that she is indeed in love with Siwon.

Tiffany brushed the tears away from Yoonas’ eyes. Her voice became soft as she presented her the last, final question. “when you said to his sleeping form that you loved him, What did you honestly think about the words that you had spoken?”

Yoona stared at Tiffany in a peaceful way, her eyes still b with blissful tears. it had taken her this long to realize everything, but the confused state she was in was now replaced with a very happy one. “what I had said...was the exact and accurate representation of my own feelings.”

Tiffany held both of her hands. “and now, I must ask you again. In all those times that you were with Siwon, did it ever feel like something had slowly, gradually grown inside you?”

Yoona nodded. “yes unnie...it was more than respect and friendship...what had grown inside of me... was love...”

“Indeed my friend, the most apparent and essential feeling. You are head over heels in love with Choi Siwon.”

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Yoona stared at Siwon, who was still sleeping peacefully. She had returned to the infirmary after the talk she had with Tiffany. The latter had returned to her classroom, while she had decided to spend the afternoon in the infirmary until Siwon wakes up.

She smiled as she looked at him, rhytmitically breathing and eyes closed. Now that she had accepted everything, she felt so free. The constant wild throbbing of her heart was still there, as well as the warmness of her cheeks.

A chair was positioned just a foot away from the bed. She took it and placed it near the bed, at the exact opposite of Siwons’ wounded hand. She sat on it and rested her face on the bed, looking up. She sighed. With her right index finger, she traced his wounded palm lightly, a touch that was as light as air. “fool...you will be really sorry when you wake up. You don’t want me to worry eh? Lame excuse...”

Her finger stopped tracing and just let it fall into Siwon’s hand, their fingers interlocking. He was still warm, his fever had not yet subsided completely.

She had her worries. Does Siwon love her too? or was she just an important person for him? she had asked Tiffany about it, but her only reply was,

“I am not in the position to answer that, as it is something only you two should discover about. I am just a mere guardian angel, trying to ease your confused heart. You will soon find out...in the proper moment...and you will be the happiest girl after that...”

Yoona rested her cheek on the bed, thinking and rethinking about what Tiffany had said. Siwon moved a bit from his sleep, his fingers closing more in hers. It made her dismiss the thought and smile.

Experience had taught her an important lesson, that whatever happens, may the outcome be good or bad, she should express her feelings before it’s too late. As she felt her eyelids drop, a thought occurred in her mind.

Someday, oppa...I will tell you about this love of mine...in the right moment...in the right time...soon...

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 Siwon opened his eyes.

It was a moment before everything that had happened returnd to him. Eunhyuk had brought him to the infirmary because he almost fell on the floor. His head was spinning and that he evidently has a very high fever. The doctor let him sleep; saying that what he needs more was to rest. He had been sick because of overfatigue.

He tried to move his wounded hand, but discovered that something soft was holding it already. He turned his head, and saw Yoona resting on the bed, fast asleep. The soft something that was holding his hand was in fact hers.

He smiled. He had told Eunhyuk earlier not to tell her, but he guessed Tiffany insisted. So as not to disturb her sleep, he heaved himself up slowly. He leaned his face close to her, and with his finger, he put the loose strand of her hair behind her ear. The movement seemed to have bothered her, as she stirred before she opened her eyes.

She raised her head up, her face a little away from Siwons’. He stared at her still groggy eyes. “good afternoon princess...”

Yoona snapped her eyes completely open, and conscious at the close proximity of their faces, she blushed and hurriedly stood up. “d-don’t scare me like that...”

He laughed. “I’m sorry.” Their fingers were still entertwined, so he pulled her close. The force made Yoona sat at the bed. Her heart was beating really fast; it seemed that she had become more conscious of him than before.

A change which Siwon noticed. He tilted his head, studying her flushed face, one eyebrow arched in an interrogative way. “hey, are you falling in love with me?”

Yoona was astounded at Siwons’ question. She started to panic, and her heart was beating more than ever. What should I do? Did he notice? She looked at him and saw his teasing smile. He was just making fun of her!

She smacked him right on the chest. “Yah! You’re really annoying!”

“hey, I’m still sick you know, don’t go on harassing me.” Siwon pleaded in a playful tone.

“I’m sorry...”Yoona sighed. She placed her hand on his forehead. “thank God your fever had abated. I was really worried when Tiffany unnie told me—“ she stopped and remembered the oath Eunhyuk had taken, the one where he should not tell her about Siwons’ condition. Her eyes suddenly blazed in fiery irritation. “why did you tell Eunhyuk not to tell me anything?”

Siwon smiled in a tentative way. “I’m sorry, I know you’re mad, but I just don’t want you to worry. I don’t want to bother you with this senseless problem---hey!” a plastic bag of food dropped like a bomb on his lap. Yoona had retrieved it on the floor and throw it at him.

She took a sandwich from the plastic and started to unwrap it. Siwon meanwhile, was staring at her in silence. “are you still mad at me?”

Yoona breathed out and handed him the sandwich. “you make me worry. And you getting ahead of yourself thinking that you don’t want me to worry was really annoying. Please bear it in your foolish mind that you will never be a bother to me.”

Siwon smiled at her tenderly. What she said made him extremely happy. “I’m sorry for being such a mindless idiot.”

“yeah. Idiot.” Yoona smiled and pinched his cheek. “now, let’s finish this bag of food that unnie had left. I didn’t have my lunch and you need to eat in order for your strength to return. Araso?”

Siwon saluted. “YES Ma’am!” and he munched the sandwich joyfully.

Yoona stare at him, smiling. He was such a handful. But perhaps, that was one of the countless reasons why she had fallen in love with him. Or perhaps, she has no reason at all.

...someday oppa... I will tell you about this feeling of mine...someday...but for now, I’ll just tell you with my own selfish thoughts...

...saranghae...

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:D