"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."

- Josiah Gilbert Holland

CHAPTER 31

It’s okay.

Those words were what kept Yoona from falling apart. It had been a few days after her and Siwon’s confrontation, but everything was still fresh in her memory. His words, his face, his eyes...his conveyance of the hurt he tried to surpress but was unable to, his face when he saw her reaction, everything was still fresh. She knew for a fact that what he said had come out from reasons she still was unclear. Yet the truth remained that he was the one who ended it, and both were hurting because of it.

It’s alright...I can manage...

She kept on repeatedly telling herself these words during lunchbreaks and last bells. He had always been her companion. Because of him, lunchbreaks wasn’t a boring affair at all. She sometimes found herself looking up from her stale food, expecting him grinning, amused at the amount of food she had managed to consume, but disappointment falls as she realized that nobody was there, that she was...alone.  

She would immediately retrieve her bag after the last bell, excited to see Siwon leaning on the wall, waiting for her, but as she got out, her shoulders would sag, her chest would hurt, as again, she realized that there was no Siwon to cheer her up after a tiring day. Everything reminded her of the days she had spent with Siwon, every little thing she does, she sees, was a trigger for her thoughts of him, and of her painfully throbbing heart.

I’m fine.

It was her absolute resolution as she caught a glimpse of him in school, sometimes alone or other times with friends. She would see him smile, but she knew, upon looking at him, that he too, was miserable. It made her heart ache even more.

It was an unspoken rule, to avoid each other. She did her best, but it was impossible. A mere sight of his eyes, his face, his hands...she would feel both contented and extremely sad. Contented, since at least she saw his face, even if she couldn’t touch it, extremely sad because that was all she could do, stare at him. She missed him so much. She knew for a fact that no matter what she says to herself, no matter how strong a facade she shows, she was still crumbling inside. She was in pain...and she definitely isn’t alright.

I’m alright. She convinced herself as tears started to build on her eyes again. As an automatic reaction, she wiped it off before it came running down on her cheeks. Who are you kidding Yoona?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She was aimlessly walking on the school’s corridors, uncaring and unfocused. The last bell had rung half an hour ago. She intended to leave school right after that, but perhaps due to her wandering thoughts, she ended up walking the floors’ corridor for half an hour straight.

She didn’t know how, or when, but she discovered that she had reached the senior’s floor. It caught her by surprise. She looked around, but the corridor seemed to be deserted. She knew that she ought not to be there, so she immediately turned back and headed towards the stairs, only to stop after a few paces.

Clearly as surprised as she was, Siwon was standing just a few feet away from her, alone, and was staring at her in mild disbelief. She stared at him too, asking herself why on earth did her feet brought her here. Her heart was racing too fast that she was trembling from head to foot. Why...does she feel like throwing her arms on him and hugging him close?

After the initial surprise, Yoona could see something on Siwon’s eyes. It was too strong that anyone could have noticed it. Was it...longing? But before she could analyze even further, he avoided her gaze and looked down. An action that was equally painful for Yoona.

A faint, yet growing noise came from a classroom just behind Siwon. Not at all alarmed, he walked forward, eyes downcast, towards Yoona’s direction.

Yoona couldn’t grasp her breath as she stood, trembling all over, staring at Siwon. He was so near now that she wondered what she should do. Her mind was a total blank, but as he came parallel to her, her body acted on its own.

She grabbed the hem of Siwon’s sleeve. It made him stop, and she swear, that she could feel him trembling too, although all she could touch was the fabric of his clothes.

With voice that was almost inaudible, she spoke. “...oppa...”

The tension rose up as they remained still, like the world had stopped revolving. She waited for him to say something, anything, but all she heard was a deep, painful sigh. At this, she let her grip come loose. He stood there, but left after a moment of excruciating silence. She remained on the spot, trying to hear his retreating footsteps until she couldn’t hear it no more.

“...Yoona...?”

A soft voice before her made her head snap up. Tiffany was standing near her, expression worried. “unnie...?”

“Yoona...why are you crying...?”

Yoona slowly reached up and touched her own cheek. It was wet with her own tears. She didn’t realize that she was actually crying until Tiffany told her so. Then, like a sorrowful movie, everything returned to her, the encounter earlier, the break-up, his smile, his face, lunchbreaks with him, his teases, the days they spend together...everything kept on flashing in her head that she felt like she was ripped to pieces. She buried her face with both of her hands, as she sobbed relentlessly. It was the first time that she had cried so hard after Siwon ended everything.

Tiffany immediately closed the distance between them and hugged her friend. She felt the pain Yoona had been hiding all long. She wasn’t a fool to not notice what had happened with her and Siwon, but she kept her distance because she doesn’t have the right to interfere. Yet seeing her friend like this was too much for her to handle. “sshhh...cry Yoona...Let everything out...”

Tiffany had witnessed a part of Siwon and Yoona’s exchange earlier, and she knew, even for a distance, that the two was carrying a full load of extreme agony. “...My God...I hate seeing you like this...”

Yoona cried even harder. “unnie...it hurts so much...I do not know what to do...I miss him and long for him that it is painful...uninie...”

Tiffany held her close and patted her hair. She was also close to tears although it wasn’t her pain. “...shhh...everything’s gonna be alright...”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yoona had managed to convice Tiffany to not accompany her home. The latter insisted on driving her, but she somehow persuaded her otherwise. Seeing that she really didn’t want to, Tiffany obliged. However, Tiffany went with Yoona and stayed with her on the terminal until the bus came.

When Yoona reached home, she immediately went straight towards her room. Her aunt was on the kitchen, thank God. She didn’t yet want to reveal her sober face to her aunt, knowing that she would instantly speculate what probably happened and would attack her with questions. The last thing she wanted to do was to recount everything that had happened. To relieve it was too unbearable. She was thankful with Tiffany and all of her friends for not asking anything, even though the sadness was apparent.

She sat on her bed then sighed. She felt so awfully tired that she let her body fall on the soft mattress and closed her eyes, yet no matter what position she took, she couldn’t fall asleep. Her eyes still closed, she sat up again, and when she opened her eyes, she was met with the view of the foot of her desk. She kept on staring at it, until her vision caught something.

She stood up and went to her desk. As she did so, she realized that the ‘something’ which caught her attention was a small photograph. She sat next to it and then slowly took it from the floor. Transfixed, she stared at the photo of her and Donghae. She was sure that she kept everything related to her and Donghae on the box placed atop her desk.

Something had suddenly made sense even though she was still quite unsure what. She bolted upright and was greeted by the sight of the box. It was placed just a few inches before the edge, whereas she was completely sure that she didn’t placed it there. She took the box on her hand and opened it, only to be surprised at how messy the contents were arranged.

It definitely wasn’t like this...

She glanced at the letter mounted above everything else, and recognized her own penmanship. It was halfway opened, although she folded it neatly after she had written it. She didn’t remember dropping it either, because after she had written it, she didn’t have the will to touch it again.

And then, a memory flashed in her mind, momentarily stopping her to breathe. It was the night of her aunt’s birthday, when she had come up the stairs to inform Siwon that dinner was ready. She remembered clearly now that the box was beside him, although she didn’t mind it. She saw the expression on his face, and she now knew what it meant. He was hurt.

She felt herself cascading towards the chair, as everything seemed to make perfect sense now.

She almost cried again at the absurdity of what had happened. The past no longer mattered now, but it was the reason why she saw the lingering pain of his eyes and her tears. How stupid.

Her tears were unstoppable again, as she blindingly stared at the box. “...Pabo...you’re a fool oppa...”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was past eleven o’clock in the evening yet Siwon was still at the mini bar of there house, drinking a glass of champagne. He couldn’t sleep, even if he wanted to. The memory of what had happened earlier was haunting him.

He was as surprised as her when he saw her on the corridor, but after the initial shock, an extreme emotion went through him. He missed her so much that it hurts. Seeing her recognizing the emotion he had felt, he quickly turned his gaze.

I will be alright. Those were the words he had kept on repeating. He loves her, but he didn’t want to tie her in a relationship when she was still living in the past. He didn’t want to force his love on her when her heart was occupied by someone else. He avoided him, and he knew she was avoiding him too. The some times by which he caught a little glimpse of her was not enough to satisfy him, but he tried to live with it. To see her was painful, but to not was excruciating.

If he had chosen it, there was a ladder behind him, but he chose to step forward and passed Yoona. He wanted to just brush through her, as opposed to the tremendous urge to hug her. However, he felt his breath stop when she grasped the hem of his sleeve, and when she spoke. God knows how he wanted to turn and hold her. But before his resolution had run out, she let him go.

He emptied the glass of champagne to his mouth, then took the bottle and poured again. He was about to drain it out all at once, when a hand stopped him from doing so.

“what the heck is this Choi Siwon?”

He placed the glass on the marble counter and turned to face Eunhyuk. He didn’t notice him coming. Eunhyuk was staring at him with impatience written all over his face. “Eunhyuk. What are you doing here?”

“You’ve been drinking, and it’s your second bottle. What are you trying to achieve by trying to drown yourself with alcohol?” Eunhyuk took a step forward and took the bottles, the glass, away from Siwon’s reach; much to the latter’s protest.

“Better to drown myself with it than to think of anything painful, which, I must inform you, had been happening to me for the past few weeks.” He followed his statement with a sigh. What he told his bestfriend was his very own sentiments, not because of the influence of alcohol. He unexpectedly had a very high alcohol tolerance, enough to take down five bottles of champagne without getting drunk.

Eunhyuk sighed. “what happened Siwon?”

Silence fell as Siwon processed Eunhyuk’s question. He wanted to tell him, but to relieve it was hard, so he didn’t answer immediately. In fact he might not need to answer at all, because he knew that Eunhyuk pretty much understood everything without him trying to divulge the details. However, it didn’t stop him from saying the very thing he felt right now. “Eunhyuk. It’s painful.”

He heard his bestfriend sigh. “I know. It’s written all over your face.” Eunhyuk moved a bit then continued. “I don’t know the details, and I don’t want to force you to tell me anything. However, I must ask you this, do you love her?”

“of course I do. I’ve never felt this way before.”

“so what’s the problem then?”

“the problem is she was still living by her past lover’s memory. I have no space in her heart that it hurts like hell! I love her too much but what use does it make when she couldn’t love me back?!” Siwon was breathing heavily as he faced his bestfriend.

“If I was Yoona I would smack your head for being such a fool.”

“what?” Siwon asked, perplexed at his sudded declaration. “what are you talking about?”

Eunhyuk sighed. “Did she tell you that she didn’t love you?”

“no, she didn’t. But she didn’t tell me otherwise either”

“Fine. She didn’t.” Eunhyuk sighed again, as if he was talking to a kid. “Hasn’t it occurred to you that she has her reasons why she didn’t tell you so? Her actions around you, wasn’t it enough to show you what she truly feels? Granted that she had this ex-lover, did she ever make you feel any less happy? Didn’t you see it?”

“see what?”

“how severly happy she is with you. How she bloomed and glowed whenever you’re around. It was so obvious even with us. To think that you didn’t seem to notice it was the stupidest thing I have come to know about you.”

Siwon fell silent as his bestfriends’ words hit home. However, the images forming in his head was still there, the pictures, the letters, and the conversation with Henry. “but her past was hunting me still.”

“Past is past.” Eunhyuk declared. “and if she was still living in it, then why is she with you? I’m sure Yoona is not the kind of girl who agrees to a relationship when she was still in love with someone else. And I know you know that right?” he stared at him and whispered. “ She was happiest when she is with you, doesn’t that imply anything to you? the way she looks at you was enough to deduce that she feels the same way as you. So stop your petty assumptions and end this useless misery.”

Again, Siwon fell silent as he realized how foolish he had been. Why does he have to be so ignorant when the signs are clear? Everything Eunhyuk had told him was true. He noticed every little change on Yoona, from her blushing down to her joyful smile. Why did he have to forget it and assumed useless things?

Her subtle ways of saying ‘I love you’ though not in words, why did he not consider it? It was there, right before his very eyes, but he chose to ignore it.

He remembered everything that they had been through, and it made him realize how stupid he was. It took him a great deal of pain, he caused Yoona a great deal of agony, before he opened his eyes. He had been a complete fool for not recognizing anything. As he decided to do what his heart wanted to, his lips curved into a little smile.

“so...are you gonna wipe it all off? Her pain and your pain?”

Siwon, instead of answering, smacked Eunyuk on the head.

“what was that for you stupid horse?”

“I didn’t know an anchovy like you would be useful at a time like this.”

“what—“ Eunhyuk retorted, but was interrupted by a sudden ringing tone. He took his phone on his side pocket and answered it.

“yes babe?” he answered sweetly, a voice which he uses when talking to Tiffany. But his sweet demeanor had turned pale white when he heard what Tiffany’s purpose was. He looked at Siwon in a strange way.

“what is it?” Siwon asked.

He put the phone down. “Tiffany called. Yoona’s aunt, she’d been calling you for some time now, but when she couldn’t reach you, she called Tiffany instead. Siwon... Yoona had gone missing.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I don’t know where she is Siwon. I tried to call her but found out that she didn’t bring her phone with her. I don’t know what happened, that’s why I tried to reach you, hoping that she was with you, but she apparently isn’t. She just ran out of the house and didn’t even bother to ask permission. She’d gone for more than five hours now. It’s nearing midnight and I’m so worried. Please Siwon, help me find my niece..”

Yoona’s aunt was already close in tears when Siwon had called her the moment Eunhyuk told him about what happened. They immediately set off, since Tiffany had taken the liberty to look for Yoona herself. Eunhyuk went through his own car, as did Siwon with his own, and travelled into the dark night.

Siwon went frantically to every road he knew, even those that seemed either deserted or sinister. He moved slowly, scanned the crowd for a sign of Yoona, ignoring the cars behind him honking their disapproval. He had looked every place they had come to visit in the past, all the while calling either Eunhyuk or Tiffany, asking if they already found her. They too, had searched all over, but she was nowhere to be found. He’s anxiety had already crossed the line of panic. It was past midnight now.

“We’ve been friends ever since we were kids Siwon, and I know I may sound unfair, but really, if something bad happened to her, I will really curse you.” Tiffany declared in a stiff voice.

“I know.” He responded regretfully. He was already cursing himself.

He had been a fool for these past few days, thinking only about his own feelings. He had been blind for not seeing Yoona’s emotions, for not listening to her reasons. He had turned into a selfish guy, wanting only to listen to his own petty assumptions, neglecting Yoona in the process. He hated himself for that. If something bad happened to her, he will never forgive himself until the day he dies.

The worry he had tried to control had grown into a full blown panic. Thr crowd in the streets had thinned, and more than half of the shops had already closed down, but Yoona was still nowhere to be found. He was trying to restrain himself from thinking the worst, but he still couldn’t help it. He frowned and scolded himself.

A thunder roared into the dark sky, as it was immediately followed by large drops of unstoppable rain. “my God. where are you Yoona...” There was another thunder, and he cringed at the thought of Yoona’s state wherever she might have been. He was sure that she was wet with rain now...

An image of a certain place flashed his mind. It was the only place where he had not yet checked. Though uncertain, and most unlikely, it was the only hope he had for now.

He veered his car and drove at full speed, his eyes almost in the brink of madness with worry. He then took a turn and headed towards a road he rarely used to go home. It was a road set between a breakwater and a long range of flat, uncultured set of land.

Because of the rain splattering at the car’s windshield, it was almost impossible to have a clearer vision, but he strained his eyes until it caught a rather small figure walking atop the breakwater. Even for a distance, he knew that it was her. He immediately turned the gear off, got out of his car and ran towards her.

He was facing her back as she was casually strolling the breakwater’s top. It was still raining hard, and one careless move, she would slip from the edge and would instantly fall into the large boulders of rock before the seawater. What she was doing was extremely dangerous that it made him lose his breath. Instead of calling her, he ran as fast as he could and grabbed hold of her hand.

She immediately stopped and turned, all drenched, eyes red from crying. Siwon saw how her expression waver upon seeing him, from downright surprised to extreme sorrow. “...It’s dangerous, please come down...” He pleaded.

She blinked and just stared at him, as if he was speaking a foreign language. But after a moment, she shook his hand off and declared, “no.” she then started to walk again.

Siwon grabbed her hand again. “where are you going?”

Yoona fell silent and spoke in a low voice. “your house.”

“what?!”

A thunder roared in the night sky as she turned and faced him. “I was going to knock on your house and make you try to listen to me. But since your here, please do.”

Startled, Siwon just stared at her. “okay...but please, I will listen to you if you come down...”

At this, Yoona brushed his hand away in a frenzy that almost made her slip. He saw that she was clearly in tears, even if the rain was hiding it. “No! I won’t come down! I swear if you say that again I will jump before your very eyes...”

She walked a few steps backward and whispered. “please...just listen to me...”

Siwon moved a bit closer to her, although he didn’t utter a single word. He was very scared at what Yoona might do. Eyes pleading, he responded. “what is it Yoona...?”

“You’re a fool!”

“...what...?” Siwon stared at her in complete astonishment. “what did you say...?”

She was sobbing really hard as her voice cracked. “What were you thinking you idiot? You ended us because you think you don’t have a space in my heart? Because of my past? Do you really think that?”

“I know I was being foolish and I’m so—“

“Mr. Choi Siwon, you have no idea how my heart raced when I am with you, how I feel breatless when you hugged me and kiss me, how happy I was when you told me that you love me. But still you think you don’t have a space here?” she pointed at her chest. “You do not know how I long to see you every damn day, how I missed you even if we are only hours apart. You do not know how I cherished every single time with you...”

“Yoona—“

“I love you!”

Siwon froze and looked at her, his eyes wide with disbelief. “wha...”

“I love you! I love you so much it feels like my chest would explode. You’re an idiot to believe that you do not have a space in my heart when you’re the only one who’s in it. I have long let go of my past, because for me, the only thing that mattered now is YOU. You alone and nothing else...”

She turned away from Siwon’s gaze and slowly sat her knees on her chest. She covered her face with both of her hands. Her tears continued to flow as steady as the rains’ downpour. She cried unceasingly until two large hands took her hands away from her face. She looked up, and saw Siwon’s smiling face.

He held her face with both of his hand. “I’m sorry for being an idiot. I was too selfish to consider even your own feelings. I was the one who promised to never let you cry, to protect you from being hurt, yet I was the one who broke that promise because of my trivial assumptions. I am so sorry, my love...” he then looked her in both solemn and repentant way. “I know I have caused you pain, and you may never trust me again. You may not even forgive me. But, can I ask you to stay by my side again...?”

Despite the tears, Yoona smiled. She spread her arms wide, inviting Siwon to hug her, which the latter did. Siwon held her tight, as if any moment from now, she would slip from his grasp. Yoona clung to his neck too. “I have forgiven you oppa, so don’t think about useless things okay?”

Siwon chuckled and held her even close. “My most precious sweetheart, my life would have been incomplete without you...Saranghae...”

“I love you too...”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So how did it go?” Siwon asked.

“Nah. I think my eardrums broke because of my Aunt’s and Tiffany’s shouts. They were so furious I thought your cellphone would burst to ashes.” Yoona shook her head.

“Serves you right. You made them worried sick.”

“and whose fault is that?” Yoona’s eyebrow arched.

Siwon did not answer and just shook his head. He continued to dry Yoona’s hair with a towel. They were at his room, sitting on his bed. Since his house was nearest and that it was way past midnight, and that they were drenched to the bones, they both decided that she would spend the night at his house.

Except for a few maids, the house was all theirs. Upon their arrival, the cook immediately prepared something hot while another took some clothes from his mother’s room. When Yoona was finished taking a bath from a room opposite Siwon’s, she immediately knocked on his door and went inside.

Siwon took a deep breath from behind Yoona. “what is it oppa?”

He was silent for a moment before he answered. “I have a question.”

She turned and faced him. His hands were still on her hair, drying it off, so Yoona reached up and collected his hands on her own. She placed the towel beside her. “what is it?”

He looked at her. “I was just curious. For the number of times that I told you that I love you before, why didn’t you respond to any one of them?”

He saw her blush. God. How he missed that cute, reddining flush on her cheeks. “I just...I don’t know...It’s just that, whenever you say it, I felt an overwhelming emotion that would block my throat from saying it. You know...it’s just that...I became speechless with happiness to the point that it became a struggle. Maybe I’m the kind that couldn’t say something tremendously true...”

“is that so...”

“yeah...and I’m really sorry for that. I know it gave you doubts and heart aches...I’m really sorry...”

“I should be the one who should say that. I was the one who turned blind and selfish.” He sighed and looked down. Yoona was still holding his hands. “I’ve hurt you. If only I could bring back time and undo those that I have done...”

Yoona placed her hand on his cheek and made him lift his head to meet her eyes. “Don’t think too much about it oppa.” she smiled solemnly.

“is there anything that I could do to somehow erase those...?” he pleaded.

“there’s nothing we can do about what had already happened.” she smiled again. “but there sure is something you can do to make my heart at ease, since I couldn’t yet believe that you really are right here, with me.”

“what is it?”

“kiss me.”

Siwon smiled playfully, then leaned close. “My princess, is that a request, or a command?”

Yoona chuckled and pulled him closer, her arms locked around his neck. “It’s a command.”

“then, aye, aye, your highness.” Siwon closed the distance between them and met her waiting lips.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

kekeke...I thought of cutting this piece in two chapters, but decided against it.. :D

I hope you guys enjoyed it.! 

CREDITS to yoonyulti07 unnie for the picture above. THANK YOU!!