"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." - Zora Neale Hurston

CHAPTER 30

“This is Henry, oppa. Henry, this is Siwon.”

Siwon reached out and shook hands with the boy now sitting between him and Yoona. He liked the boy instantly, even though he only met him for a few minutes. Maybe it was his kind and gentle feature, but Siwon could judge beforehand that he was one of those genuinely nice lads. “Nice to meet you.”

“The pleasure is mine hyung.” The boy smiled sincerely.

“I thought you were in Canada?” Yoona interjected, clearly thrilled at the prospect of talking again with Henry. Siwon didn’t know what his relationship with her was, but based on their interactions, he could see that both were treating each other as siblings. She was so delighted in seeing him that her smile didn’t vanish. Siwon didn’t know that she had a close friend, a younger one at that. It made him realize that, even though he knew the things about her past, it was nothing compared to what Henry must know. It made him acknowledge the fact that, for more than half of her life, he wasn’t a part of it.

“Mother and I have been there for the past two years. It’s time to visit home, even for a short while.” he took a spoonful of his ice cream.

“Your mother’s here? What’s the purpose of your visit?”

“Hey, calm down noona.” Henry chuckled. “No. mom’s not here. I was the only one who decided to come back. I wanted to visit hyung’s grave...” he trailed off and casted a careful look at Yoona, whose smile wavered a little. She stared at him in a way that urges him to continue. In the sidelines, all that was happening did not escape from Siwon’s eyes.

They continued to talk, but Siwon noted that Henry did not mention his last statement. They moved to a topic more careful than the last, and procedded animatedly. He just sat there, looking at the both of them reminiscing their days in the past. He hadn’t seen Yoona this talkative even with Tiffany, her closest girlfriend.

Hyung’s grave...those were the words that had halted their conversation for a second. He stared at Henry, and a sudden familiarity came to him...

Like a single click in his head, he now knew what his relationship was with Yoona, and how relevant was he to her past. Henry was the living memento of what happened before, more than the box of letters and pictures. He was there.

He doesn’t know why, but pain surge through him. As he looked at Yoona, then as his eyes stayed with Henry, he had this sudden imaginary vision of her talking to her past love...Donghae.

Then again, Yoona’s letter repeated like an echo in his mind...

Dear Donghae oppa...

I have loved you beyond everything else...

He suddenly stood up, a sound that made Yoona and Henry startled. “oppa...?” Yoona asked tentatively, feeling worried at the flicker of emotion on his eyes. The same emotion that she had seen sometime for the past few days. What’s happening to him?

Siwon avoided her gaze. “I just...ah...I’ve got to use the lavatory.” Without a backward glance, he backed out.

He proceeded to the lavatory, where he stood just before the huge mirror, staring at his own eyes. His mind was racing, so was his heart. It was throbbing with uncontrollable pain that he had to breathe so heavily.

His head was spinning so fast. Why, when he thought that everything had become an utter bliss, why was Yoona’s past had to hunt him? Hurting him at his limits?

The letters, the pictures, Henry...all seemed to have pointed out the obvious...That in Yoona’s heart...Donghae was still the occupant.

If that was so, where will he reside?

Sure, she cared for him, but was it enough for him to have a place in her heart?

He remembered everything that had happened between the two of them, but the memory that stood out the most was the time when he had confessed, and how she cried and kissed and asked him to stay with her. It was pure happiness. But thinking of it now, he asked himself, what drove her to say that? What drove her to grant him the permission of loving her even more?

Was it just a spur of the moment? Magnified by the surroundings?

Why can’t she tell him that she loved him? Even after the countless times that he had spoken it?

He washed his face with the water running from the faucet; he then reached for a roll of tissue on the wall and wiped his face. He stared back at the eyes full of unsupressed agony. His own very eyes.

A moment later, he went out of the lavatory and slowly walked towards their table. It was positioned at a bend, so unless he turned, he wouldn’t be able to see it. As he was about to turn, he stopped. He heard Henry mention his name. For reasons quite unknown to him, he backed away and instead hid at the wall near the table.

“Siwon hyung...he seemed to be nice...”

“Yes. He is. And more...” he heard Yoona answered. Her tone was almost...prideful.

He heard Henry heaved a sigh after a moment of silence. “I still couldn’t believe it....I still couldn’t believe that Hyung was already gone...”

There it was again, a moment of painful silence. It was then Yoona who spoke. “...It’s been two years...Dont’ give me that face Henry...I’m past that agony...I’m sure your brother would like for you to accept it...Donghae oppa...oppa doesn’t want his little brother to be sad...”

I was right. He’s Donghae’s brother. He thought.

“Noona...do you still love him...?” Henry asked.

Based on Yoona’s silence, she was taken aback at the question. He too, was rather surprised, but realized that all along, that was the very question he wanted to ask Yoona, but couldn’t have the courage to do so. He held his breath, both anxiety and agony slowly rising inside him, wishing that she wouldn’t utter the words he didn’t want to hear...

“I loved him...yes—“

Siwon pressed his palm in each of his ears and quickly walked away. He didn’t dare finish hearing Yoona’s answer. The last few words was enough for him to feel the pain he didn’t knew he could feel. More than anything else, he felt like his heart was ripped, twisted and was taken out from his chest by hands full of poisonous thorns.

He walked towards the exit as fast as he could, but it felt like it was a million miles away. He didn’t notice the waiter in front of him holding a large, porcelain pitcher. The collision was inevitable, as the force of the knock sent the pitcher on the floor, broken beyond repair, followed by him. He didn’t break the fall, since he had long discovered that his strength had left him. He plummented to the floor, his left hand crashing through the bits and pieces of the broken porcelain. His hand was oozing with blood, but couldn’t care less. The pain in his hand was overshadowed by the pain in his heart.

He stood up, took all of his bills in his wallent and handed it to the waiter, who accepted it reluctantly. Siwon then walked straight towards the exit, ignoring the waiter’s countless requests to take him to the hospital, ignoring those curious pair of eyes that was staring at the unstoppable flow of blood from his hand.

The answers to the questions he had had already been made clear by those few words spoken by Yoona.

He will never have the space Donghae has in her life and heart.

She never told him that she loved him even though he had spoken it countless of times because...she simply doesn’t.

....She doesn’t love him.

.......And it broke his heart all the more...

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“Noona...do you still love him...?” Henry asked.

Yoona stared at him, not at all surprised at what Henry asked. He was one of those people who witnessed everything that had taken place in her past. She was close to him, very much like a younger brother to her. He was there when his hyung was hurting, and he was the first one who tried to console her too, after his death, so it was natural for him to ask the question. He witnessed the love his brother and her had.

If he had asked her a few months back, or maybe perhaps a year ago, her answer would have been absolute. But she had passed the agony now. She had accepted the circumstances of her past, and had consequently learned to move on and let go. She was happy now, very much happy with Siwon by her side.

“I loved him...yes...I was so inlove with him. I’m sure you knew that. But, I’m sure you’re brother would not want me to just continue my life still a prisoner of the past. You know, I thought that I will never feel happy again.” She smiled at him. “I’ve learned to do the most impossible. I’ve let go of him. I’ve moved on now.”

Henry could see her genuine happiness. It was refreshing to know that she was finally happy, since he saw how wrecked she was a few years ago. She had loved his brother unconditionally, and that alone makes her entitled to be happy again. He smiled at her sincerely. “I’m so glad noona. To all the people that I have come to know, you deserve to be happy the most.”

He gave her a questioning look then. “Siwon hyung. He was the reason why you’re happy right? You love him that much?”

To his utter surprise, she gave him a very tender smile.. She was glowing. He had never seen her this happy before. One swift look and he knew, that she loved the man more that she had loved his hyung.

“Yes. I’m very happy Henry. And I love him very much.”

A loud crashing noise suddenly interrupted the silence of the restaurant. They automatically turned their heads, but couldn’t see anything since they were somewhat placed on a blind spot. Yoona inched forward from her seat, and she saw bits and pieces of porcelain scattered on the floor. The waiter was calling out someone who had gone out just as she lifted her head.

“What happened?” Henry asked.

“...the guy was injured but he didn’t seem to mind it. He just handed the waiter a few bills then took off...that was a lot of blood...” Yoona involuntarily heard the ajumma’s explaination from the nearest table. She turned her head back to Henry and shrugged.

“I think someone collided with the waiter and made whatever he was holding topple over. The guy paid the damage though and went immediately out. They say that he was bleeding.”

Henry nodded. “...is that so...” he looked at his watch then at Yoona. “Noona, I need to go. will you be alright here? alone? Seems like your man was still in the lavatory.”

“It’s alright, maybe the place’s packed. I’ll jut wait here.” She stood up as Henry did, and gave him a warm hug, which the latter returned just as warm. “Wow. You’re not a kid anymore, and you have become more handsome. It was nice talking with you even for a short while.”

“Same here noona.” Henry broke the hug and smiled at him. “You’re glowing, and I’m very happy seeing you again, although it was brief.” He backed a few steps then waved at her.

Yoona waved back, and watched him as he took his leave. She then sat down again, smiling to herself.

Ten minutes had passed but there was still no sign of Siwon. She took her phone and called him, but he cannot be reached. Curious, and a bit irritated, she got up and went to the male’s lavatory, much to her embarrassment, Yet nobody was there. The stalls were empty. She went out of the lavatory and asked the waiter that was passing by. It was the same waiter whom she saw earlier, standing before the porcelain’s broken pieces.

“Umm...excuse me, did you happen to see a tall man wearing pants and a white Hollister hoodie?” she knew she sounded a bit idiotic but her curiosity and irritation had somehow turned into anxiety. What could have happened to him?

The waiter thought for a moment. “...Yes. He was the one who collided with me and broke the pitcher.”

“What?!” Yoona exclaimed. She didn’t know that Siwon was involved with the incident earlier. But it was an hour ago, why didn’t he came back to the table...then she remembered something...

“ the guy was injured but he didn’t seem to mind it. He just handed the waiter a few bills then took off...that was a lot of blood”

She gasped. He was injured. “where is he...” her anxiety had turned into a full grown panic. After saying thanks you to the waiter, she immediately went out of the restaurant; her phone in her ear, trying to contact Siwon.

She was a distance away from where Siwon had parked when finally, she was able to contact him. After a few rings, a somewhat weary voice answered. “Hello...”

“Oppa?! where are you? I heard you were hurt?” she was practically shouting.

The other line was silent. She feels like she was just talking to herself. After a moment, she could hear a deep sigh. And the answer that followed made her swallow. “...Do you...love me...?”

Yoona was so surprised that she couldn’t utter a mere sound. “what so sud---“

A gentle sigh escaped from him again. “...I know...I shouldn’t have asked...”

Those were the words Siwon had spoken before he cut the line off. Yoona stood rooted to the spot, her phone still on her ear, as his last statement echoed through her mind. He said it in a way that was both tired...and very much hurt. A pain unrelated to his injury. She could feel it, and it made her heart twist.

What happened oppa...?

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For two consecutive days, Siwon was absent from school.

...I know...I shouldn’t have asked...

Yoona couldn’t erase Siwon’s last words in her mind. What does he mean? And why does it bother her so much? It hurts to know that he was hurting, and she doesn’t know what it was all about. She knew that something was wrong, and it intensified by him being absent for two days. She’s worried too, so worried that she at least called him ten times a day, and leave him lots of messages. But no luck, Siwon wouldn’t answer.

“He ignores my calls too.” Eunhyuk informed when she asked if he had communicated with Siwon. She could see that he was worried too, and irritated. “Really. This was the first time he was absent without proper reason. What happened to that idiot?”

It bugged her to no end. What’s more, she missed him so much. Lunchtime was a sad affair, as well as the last bell, knowing that he wouldn’t be there, waiting for her to come out.

She sighed as she occupied the last available seat on the bus. She leaned sideways and closed her eyes. The image of Siwon came through her. But it wasn’t the cheery expression he always wore, it was the face he showed on the night of her Aunt’s birthday, when she invited him down. She knew that something was wrong, but he seemed to ignore the thought. She also knew that he was just pretending to be jolly in front of her Aunt. Remembering it now, she feels like she would cry.

He had always been honest to her, but now that he seemed to have been carrying something painful, he wouldn’t tell her. He had been with her, in all those times that she needs someone to lean on, but now that it was he who needed support, he was nowhere to be found. She loves him so, but it pains her to know that he couldn’t tell her what’s bothering him, after everything that they had been through.

Did she perhaps do something wrong? But what? if she did, couldn’t he at least tell her? so that they could sort it out? she was so counfused as to what to do now. Tears came running down her cheeks, and she furiously wiped it all off.

What’s wrong oppa?

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Sweat was running all through his muscular body as he poised to another shot. He reached and threw the ball to the hoop, but then again, for the last five hours that he had been playing alone, it didn’t went in.

Siwon caught the ball again with his bare hands. He had been playing on a court built in his house alone. To keep his mind off things, he decided to play even though his hand was still bleeding. The wound was rather deep, but he didn’t mind going to the hospital, he instead mend it on his own. His mother was on her business trip so no one was present in the house except him and a few maids. His mother would nag her to no avail about why he didn’t at least go to the doctor.

He dribbled the ball, fast, then positioned again for another shoot, but the ball merely touched the ring then went straight to the ground. He was furious and irritated. But he knew deep down that it wasn’t because he couldn’t shoot a single ball, it was because of something else.

He had been absent from school for the last two days. Instead of going, he stayed in his house, playing basketball for hours that he sometimes forgot he didn’t take his breakfast, or even lunch. He had no courage to face Yoona, he wanted to forget things, he wanted to ease the throbbing pain in his chest, but no matter what he did, everything that he had seen, that he had heard from Yoona’s aunt’s birthday down to when they met Henry on the Ice-cream restaurant, kept on repeating in his head.

Siwon took the ball from the ground, there was a trace of blood on it, which came from his wounded hand. His wound was sealed with plaster, but the blood was still oozing out, perhaps because of the strain he had been putting it on. But for him, the pain in his hand might perhaps ease the pain in his heart, yet it wasn’t effective.

“Noona...do you still love him...?”

 “I loved him...yes—“

Dear Donghae oppa...

I have loved you beyond everything else...

Such thoughts were beginning to take form on his head again, swallowing him whole. There pictures together, the letter, everything kept on flashing on his head until he couldn’t bear it any longer. He gripped the ball by his wounded hand, and with force strong enough to take a man down, he threw it at the hoop. It shook harshly as he slowly descended towards the ground, his eyes puckered with unsurpressed pain.

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Last period had ended quite a few minutes ago, but Yoona remained sitting on her chair, watching the clouds drift away. She was the only student on the classroom now, but she didn’t have the will to stand and go home. It was the third day of Siwon’s absence. Her calls and messages had piled up, but still, she didn’t receive even one word of reply.

She closed her eyes and released her emotions. She was angry, irritated, lonely, but most of all, she missed him so much.

A cloud drifted away revealing a single ray of midafternoon sunlight. She stayed there, miserable as she could ever be, when her phone rang. Eager to know who it was, she took it out of her phone. The screen read “Tiffany”. Her shoulders dropped with disappointment. Her unnie just sent her a don’t-worry-about-it kind of message. She sighed and placed her phone back to her pocket.

She stood up and retrieved her bag. It was time to go, even though she still didn’t want to. She went out of the room, crossed the stairs, and then went straight to the building’s main exit. Unconsciously, she glanced sideways, and saw the school’s gymnasium. Eunhyuk told her that there was no practice today, since most of them needed to do something more important.

She had no idea why, but a sudden urge to enter the gym engulfed her. Due to that reason and the fact that she didn’t want to leave yet, she followed the impulse. She didn’t know what she would do once she got inside, but she had long abandon the action of thinking-first anyway.

As she stood infront of the massive gate, she could hear a faint bouncing sound. Who could it be? She opened the gate large enough to let herself through. When she successfully entered, she gasped. The one playing alone was none other than Siwon.

He was sweating all over. Seeing him again, she had this sudden urge to both punch and hug him. But before she could do any of those, her eyes dropped to his hand, and she saw it bleeding. A strong impulse made her walked hurriedly towards him and took his wounded hand. “Oppa, you’re bleeding!”

Siwon abruptly turned, surprised at Yoona’s sudded appearance. He didn’t hear her come; he didn’t expect her to appear at all. Nobody knew about him coming to school. Upon looking at her face, he realized that he missed her so much. He stared at her eyes. Thinking of her made his heart pound painfully, but seeing her in flesh, had made it excruciating.

“Oppa! Let’s go to the infirmary. You’re bleeding so much!” She looked at him, anxious, but he just looked at her in a way that made her heart ache.

He took his hand away from her grip and turned around. “It’s alright.”

His tone of dismissal made Yoona silent. Her brain was exploding with so many questions. But seeing his retreating back, she did not speak. She just stared at him as he dribbled the ball nonstop, a few feet away from her. They continued to be silent, until she couldn’t bear it any longer. In a voice that was almost a whisper, she asked, “What’s wrong oppa?”

She saw him left his head, but he didn’t answer. Impatience grew, so she briskly walked towards him and whisked him, so that he was facing her. “What’s the matter with you? You’ve gone AWOL for three days. You didn’t answer any of my calls, any of my messages. Do you have any idea how worried I was?”

She was breathing heavily, but instead of answering, he just turned around again. “CHOI SIWON! ANSWER ME!”

He let the ball fall from his grip and slowly faced her. It took a lot of his restraint to not run towards her and hug her. He looked at her and spoke. “I was...thinking.”

“Thinking?! Couldn’t you at least call me or—“

“It’s painful Yoona.”

“—message me—what?” she stopped and stared at him, processing what he had said. “what...?”

“It pains me to realize that you will never be mine.”

She breathed out, as she look upon his solemn face. “what are you talking about...?”

“do you...love me?” he asked, the same tone he used when he had asked her over the phone.

She fell silent.

He smiled, a smile that suggested something more deep. “...I know...I shouldn’t have asked...”

She gulped. It took her a lot of effort to not cry in exasperation. “You’ve been like this for a few days now. can’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”

“why can’t you say it? why can’t you tell me those words? Is it that hard?”

“oppa—“

“Do I even have a space in you’re heart? Or are you still living in your past?”

“oppa...” she whispered, almost aware of what he had been talking about.

He gazed at her. “I love you so much that I’ve become too greedy. I love you...but it seemed that we do not share the same sentiments. My feelings had grew, so much that you’ve become the center of my universe. I’m selfish when it comes to you. but...I do not want to bind you with me, when your heart is occupied by someone else...” he turned back, since he do not want her to see his brave act waver.

Silence fell as tears fell from Yoona’s eyes. She knew that he was hurting, and it was the reason why she was crying. She had suddenly lost it, her strength. Her voice quivered as she released the words she herself didn’t want to hear. “...is it the end, oppa...?”

Siwon closed his eyes and did not answer. The intensity of her words struck him. I do not want it to end...please...He turned, but Yoona was already walking towards the gate, her shoulders trembling. All he could do was stare at her retreating back, wishing that the last few days didn’t happen.

The ball rolled towards his feet, and he kicked it hard, as Yoona opened the gate and vanished from his sight.

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the next chapter will be quite long...I think..

hahays...this chapter makes me sad :(