"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

CHAPTER 17

It took every ounce of Yoona’s will not to run back to Siwon and take back everything that she had said.

She kept on reminding herself that what she had done was for the best. That what she had said to him was for the sake of giving him peace. Peace? Seeing him miserable will give him peace? How ironic Yoona. She thought. But that distress will soon fade away, and the things that she had said will soon become a thing of the past. Everything will turn back to normal, at least for Siwon.

Or so she hoped.

She walked farther away, her footsteps heavy. His miserable face kept on popping on her mind. She shook her head. No. it is for the best. She doesn’t want to mingle with Siwon, now that she knew how wrecked she was.

That eventful day, the day when Siwon played the song, made her realize how ruined she still was inside. How shattered was she still at Donghae’s memories. That even if she had buried it, it will still hurt her like hell when it is uncovered.

When everything came back to her, she was left hard to breath. How did she manage to even forget those memories for a month? Because of Siwon’s company. His friendship was like anaesthesia, it made the pain numb, made her smile and jolly and happy, things that she had long forgotten how. But when the pain was too unbearable, the anaesthesia looses it effects. Just like everything that had happened between her and Siwon.

Funny. It was him who made her somewhat forget Donghae, but it was also him who made her remember everything. She became, again, as ever, a slave of such memories.

“...Yoona-shii...were you silently revolting my company...? Did you, even for a little, saw me as your friend...?”

That was Siwon’s last question. She wanted to answer “no”, so as to make him hate her even more. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t because she had, in every way, enjoyed his company. And that even if it started as a deal, and even if she kept on denying it, she sees Siwon as her friend. A real one.

Yes, she had probably returned to her old self, but she had changed. She had changed because of him. The truth is, she acted like a cold-blooded, expressionless girl so that it will make him easier to hate her, to just forget that she had existed. She doesn’t want to corrupt his unfazed, natural happiness by her wrecked, messy self.

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Days passed. Yoona was back to her routine, uncaring and alone. She was, as always, sitting silently at the table near the window. Painful memories still echoes in her head. Memories of Donghae, and now, to her utter discomfort, memories of Siwon.

She had not seen him since that day, and she was thankful for that. Call her coward or what, but she doesn’t want to see his life revolve bit by bit without her. She doesn’t want to see the confirmation that he had totally forgotten about her, even if it was what she was aiming for.

The bell for lunch rang.

Yoona stayed put. She doesn’t have the appetite to eat lunch, but her stomach was already growling. So she sat up and walked slowly to the door. When she reached the hallway, she was hit by a feeling of nostalgia. She remembered how Siwon would surprise her and invite her to lunch. It seemed so long ago. She shook her head. What is happening to me?

The walls of the corridor were lined with posters of various sizes supporting the school’s basketball team. Siwon’s team. The first game of the season will start tomorrow, and everyone was really excited. Yoona wondered how ruthless their practices possibly have become, since all of the team members are so dedicated, so focused. Especially their captain...

Yoona was busy with her thoughts that she did not notice a large poster lying carelessly on the floor. She stumbled upon it; her foot tangled a certain part of it, which made her lose her balance. She was falling towards the ground when someone caught her and held her steady. She saw a rather large feet, but didn’t saw the face of her saviour since she was looking down.

When she looked up, her jaw almost dropped. Her saviour, for the second time around, was Siwon.

His eyebrows had contracted together to reveal a face stricken with worry. She immediately brushed him away from her, as if she was disgusted by his touch. The sudden action made her lose her bearings again. And again, Siwon caught her.

“You should be more careful.” His voice was flat. A pang of sadness hit Yoona. He had become hostile towards her. But isn’t it what she had wanted?

She mustered the strength to look at him coldly. She brushed him off rather harshly. “You should’ve let me fall. I’ve told you before. Do not concern yourself with me anymore.” She immediately walked away from him.

When she was a distance away, she looked back. She saw Siwon’s profile walking nonchalantly towards the opposite direction.

This is it right? The end. Fin. She thought sadly.

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Yoona was a bit perplexed when she realized where she was. She was standing at the entrance of a park, the same place where Siwon had taken her before, to meet Mr. Cat and Honey.

School had already ended, but she does not want to go home yet. So she decided to wander aimlessly around, instinct was the only basis of her direction. And so she was rather astonished when her instinct and her legs decided to take her at this place. She almost turned back, rather rejecting the idea of getting inside the park, but a sound made her stop. She scanned the place, but it was empty.

“meowww....” she heard it again, a cat purring. She looked down, and there she was, Honey, Mr. Cat’s cute companion. The cat meowed again, and then walked away, as if inviting her. She shrugged and followed the cat.

When she was a few inches away from the tree in which the two cats had taken shelter, Honey went around the tree; probably joining Mr. Cat. She was about to turn around as well when she heard someone spoke. “Oh Honey, where have you been? “

She felt herself freeze as she recognized the owner of the voice. She instantly hid herself. He was apparently at the opposite side of the tree. No, why is Siwon here...I must...I must get out of this place immediately...she braced herself, but her resolve had vanished when she heard him mention her name.

“...you know Mr. Cat, Yoona-shii...she said she does not want to be friends with me anymore...it hurts a lot you know, when she implied that my company had revolted her...that everything was merely a deal, a plain, mutual deal...”

Yoona didn’t hear the rest of his statement. She ran away from the tree that was blocking her from Siwon’s view. His words unexpectedly crumpled her inside. She thought that he must, by now, consider everything that had happened between them a blurry dream, forgotten.

But no, he didn’t and he was miserable.

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“Captain, are you sure?” Leeteuk asked Siwon for the tenth time. The basketball team were leaving the gym one by one, since practice had already ended. Everyone was tired but rather pumped up at the coming game tomorrow, except Siwon perhaps.

“Hyung, aren’t you tired already? We’ve been practicing nonstop, yet you wanted to do more, all by yourself? You should rest hyung.” Kyuhyun chimed in. He, Leeteuk, Eunhyuk, Sungmin and Siwon were the only people left.

Siwon smiled weakly. “I’ll be fine; I wanted to take a few more shots, that’s all. All of you should go home now and rest.”

“Come on guys, he’s a horse. He doesn’t get tired so easily.” Eunhyuk sniggered.

“Whatever Anchovy.” Siwon retorted.

“Okay, if that’s what you want, we can’t force you.” Sungmin said.

The members except Eunhyuk started to walk towards the exit, waving their hands towards him. He waved back. Eunhyuk’s hand flew and smacked the back of his head suddenly.

“Hey! What was that for stupid anchovy?”

Eunhyuk looked at him seriously. “I know you inside out Choi Siwon, so I know that something’s bothering you. Whatever that is, don’t let it eat you.” He reached out and painfully pinched Siwon’s cheek. “Everything will soon be alright, so please stop acting like a total fool and get yourself ill.” Eunhyuk then walked unceremoniously away.

“I’ll remember that stupid anchovy.” Siwon shouted.

“Whatever shameless horse.” Eunhyuk chuckled.

 When Eunhyuk went out and closed the door, the gym became quiet. Siwon was the only person left now. He slowly walked to the ball that was lying near the bench, picked it up and started to jog back to the middle of the court, all the while dribbling the ball. He turned, raced both of his hands, and shoot. The ball went straight to the ring.

He decided to remain in the gym not because he wanted to practice shooting; he remained because he wanted to be alone, to let his guard down. He wanted to find release, to let all of his feelings out. And basketball was the only medium in which he could actually clear his head.

His thoughts were full of Yoona. Her face, both when happy and mad, the way her eyes closes slightly when she laughed, her unintentional grace, her stubbornness. God, he missed her so damn much.

Earlier, he had intentionally gone to Yoona’s floor, hoping to get a glimpse of her. As luck would have it, he did see her, and rescued her from falling down. But instead of saying thanks, she stared at him coldly and dismissed him harshly.

He shouldn’t have acted like that, he shouldn’t have gone all the way down just to catch a glance of her, and ended up hurt once again by her words. He should be angry at her, he should hate her. Yet he couldn’t. After everything that she had said, he still couldn’t find the will to hate her, to be angry at her. It was immensely impossible.

He dribbled again, his body wet with sweat. He shoot in any possible distance, he missed and shot, miss and shot. But he wasn’t really paying much attention.

But why does it hurt so much though? He asked himself. Why did it feel like he was buried alive? Why does she have this effect on him?

That unidentified feeling burst through him again, the one which he would always feel whenever  he was with Yoona, that feeling spread like wildfire inside him, making his whole being swell. And with it came the memories as well. Those memories involuntarily flooded through his mind. Yoona smiling at the park, with Mr. Cat and Honey, her accepting his hand when they were about to return to school, the lunch breaks they had together, her punches whenever she was irritated with him, that night when she embraced him and cried with him...

He stopped. His heart was throbbing like mad, not because of the running and shooting he had been through, but because of that sudden realization, sudden understanding of that foreign emotion which had taken residence within him for some time now...

That feeling wasn’t unidentified for him now, as he was largely aware of what it really was... he recognized what he truly felt towards the girl that had broken his heart...

He picked the ball at the floor. He didn’t even notice that he had dropped it. He positioned himself before the ring and threw the ball. It went straight through the ring. He stared at it a bit, and then unconsciously brushed his hair with his fingers. Sweat running down his face...

He cannot believe how stupid he was at not realizing his own dumb feelings...

He chuckled at his own senselessness...

So this is what it actually feels like...Yoona...i was a complete fool...I didn’t mean it to happen...

The thing is...

I have fallen in love with you...

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yebah! my exams are coming, but I will try to update as soon as I get my free time...hope you like this chapter!

special thanks to you all MWAHH!!! ^_^