"Love is that condition in which The happiness of another person Is essential to your own."

- Robert A. Heinlein

CHAPTER 27

“no basketball practice today.” Yoona declared with authority. She had to run all the way from the second floor up to the fourth floor, where the classrooms of the third years were located. She needed to stop Siwon before he does something stupid, like playing basketball, so that he could recuperate completely.

Siwon was a bit startled to find Yoona already waiting for him outside his classroom. he usually was the one who waits for her. he was shocked at her declaration as well. “no basketball practice? But I’m the captain, my presence is highly needed.”

“uh-uh. Not today oppa. You still need a little bit of time to recuperate.” Siwon tried to open his mouth, to argue with her, but Yoona quickly added, “uh-uh. Don’t argue. You MUST listen to me. you are prohibited to do practice until you recover completely. Besides, your team mates agree with me, right sunbae?”

Eunhyuk nodded from behind. “yeah. Yoona’s right.”

Siwon turned and gave Eunhyuk a rueful smile. “It seemed that I was the only one who doesn’t know. Connivance all the way?”

“Nah. Don’t be stupid. You need to rest Siwon. and besides, isn’t it a great opportunity?” Eunhyuks’ eyes sparkled maliciously.

“of what?” Siwon asked.

Eunhyuk leaned closer to Siwons’ ear, so that Yoona wouldn’t hear anything. “A great opportunity to do lovey-dovey with Yoona.”

Siwon pushed Eunhyuk away and shook his head. the latter just laughed. “stupid anchovy.”

“did I miss anything?”  Yoona asked, intrigued at what Eunhyuk had whispered that made Siwon push him away.

Eunhyuk stopped laughing and faked seriousness. “I was just telling him that Leeteuk can supervise the whole practice as vice captain. The team shares the same idea as you Yoona.”

Yoona nodded. “alright then. I’m going to borrow your captain okay?” she grabbed Siwons’ hand and started to drag him away. “bye bye sunbae! Take care!”

“bye!” Eunhyuk responded. When Siwon looked at him, he gave his bestfriend a wink. Siwon just shook his head and laughed.

After dragging Siwon all the way to the parking lot, Yoona stopped. “oppa. we’re going to the park.”

Siwon straightened a bit and chuckled. “so this is your inner motive princess. You just need someone to drive you to the park. You should have told me earlier, I could have prepared the carriage.”

Yoona laughed. “whatever oppa. It’s a great place for you to relax you know. And besides, we haven’t visited Mr. Cat and Honey these past few days.”

“you’re right. Then let’s get moving.”

They walked towards the spot where Siwon had parked. “After you your highness.” He then opened the passengers’ door.

“thank you very much, my dearest, most charming servant.” Yoona responded with a scoff. “you can go to the drivers’ side now and make yourself useful by driving your princess”

Siwon laughed. “of course your highness.” He went to the drivers’ side and went in. A mere turn of the ignition key and they’re off.

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When Siwon and Yoona arrived, they went straight to the tree where Mr. Cat and Honey had taken shelter. They had brought cat food, but as they rounded the tree, they found out that the cats were asleep. It’s a bad timing, but they don’t want to interrupt their deep slumber.

“well I guess they got tired from exploring the city.”Yoona spoke in a hushed tone.

“yeah. I guess so.” Siwon nodded. He backed away a little bit and sat at the opposite side of the tree. He gestured Yoona to sit beside him, which the latter did willingly.

The wind blew past them, making some fallen leaves move, and the trees around the park sway. Yoona breathed in and glanced around. The park was deserted. Her, Siwon and the cats were the only occupants. She edged a little closer to Siwon and rested her back on the trees’ trunk. When she looked sideways, she was met with Siwons’ odd gaze. “do I have something on my face?”

He smiled a little. “No. I was just admiring the view.”

Yoona made a face and teased. “ughh. Too cliché. It destroys your cool facade.”

Her remark made Siwon laugh out loud. “but that’s the truth.”

She playfully snobbed. “oh please.” Maybe because of the wind, or the serenity of the place, she yawned.

“didn’t get enough sleep last night?” Siwon asked.

“yeah...” she admitted, no point in telling lies. But she hoped though, that he wouldn’t ask any question, because the honest truth was somewhat embarrassing for her. she couldn’t sleep last night because of Siwon. she kept on thinking about him and the realization of her feelings. With the use of a concelear, she hid the dark circles around her eyes.

But to her surprise, Siwon put his hand on her head and made it lean down to his shoulder. He softly caressed her hair. “get some sleep then.”

Yoona didn’t argue. She smiled, heart racing, but utterly contented on her position. A breath escaped from her, as she snuggled closer to Siwon and felt her eyelids drop.

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She was running, as fast as her legs permits her to, so that she could get out of this dark tunnel she was in. It seemed like she had been running for a thousand miles now, but she still couldn’t get out. Everything was dark, so awfully dark that it made the hair on her nape rise. But she still continued, hoping to reach her destination, her purpose, even though she had no idea what it was.

Then, as she thought how she could actually escape the blinding darkness, she saw a tiny light far ahead. Is it the exit? She thought. she aimed for it, like something was telling her that the direction she was heading was correct. She increased her speed, until the tiny light gradually became larger. A few steps away and she broke through it.

A cold wind blew past her, messing up her hair. She tied it on her back, but stopped, as she looked at her arm, she discovered that she was wearing her middle school uniform. A salty smell caught her attention, calling her to come and locate where the breeze had come from. She looked back, and found out that the dark tunnel had disappeared. She again turned her head, and was shocked to see that she was already standing a foot away from the shore.

The sea was glistening, sparkling like a large mantel of diamond. She had been here a lot in the past. It was where she and the one she loved dearly play and spend time together. She looked up and closed her eyes...

“Yoona...”

A velvety voice made her open her eyes. She knew who that voice belongs to, and as she turned to gaze at the person who spoke, tears were b in her eyes. He was standing a few feet away from her, looking handsome in his middle school uniform. His lips were curved into a smile, his over-all features illuminated by the streaming sunlight. “Donghae oppa...”

Her footsteps light as air, she walked towards him. As she stoppeds in front of him, she gazed and softly touched his cheeks. He felt so smooth and warm under her skin.

He smiled and held her hand. “Why are you crying?” he asked, his voice a soft echo.

“because you’re here, with me.” She responded.

He made her hand fall from touching his cheeks and made her sit on the sand. “Please don’t cry. You know I hate it when you cry.”

Yoona wiped the tears away and gave him a warm smile. “That’s exactly what Siwon oppa would say when...” her voice trailed off. She looked at Donghae, but he was just smiling at her.

They became silent for a while, listening at the wave’s soft wallow. “Do you love me?” he asked, breaking the hushed quietness between them.

Yoona looked at him. “of course oppa. You are the person that I loved dearly, and always will be.”

He shook his head. “No Yoona. You do not love me.”

She was taken aback at his declaration. “what are you talking about oppa? I love you. You know that.”

He sighed and squeezed her hand. “Yes, I know. but my question does not include the feelings you had for me in the past.”

“I do not understand.” She said, confused and hurt at the same time.

“You had loved me. You did love me before, but you are not in love with me now. The wound that was created by my death had caused you to abandon happiness. It had caused you to suffer a great deal. But I am happy to know that you are now completely healed from all of those.” He stood up and inhaled the oncoming sweet breeze.

Yoona followed suit.”I do not understand.”

He turned his head and stared at her. “you know perfectly well what I am talking about, or should I say who I am talking about.” He paused and gave her a smile.

She averted her eyes.It did not take her a minute to understand who he was talking about.

He reached for her hand and squeezed it.“for all those times that you were with Siwon hyung, the pain that you had suffered had gradually dimished, until one day, without you realizing it, it had completely vanished. You are now free from those shackles that bind you to my painful memory. He was the one who freed you, and as what I see from your eyes, you love him.”

Yoona could not utter a word, as tears came flowing own her cheeks. She knew that what Donghae was telling her was the truth, but what made her cry was the realization of where this conversation was heading.

“you did love me, but you love him now. In fact you love him more than you had loved me.” he gently wipe her tears away. “and now, I must ask you a one final favor for you to be completely happy. Yoona, you must... let me go.”

“No! I won’t!” Yoona shook her head harshly and tightened her grip at Donghaes’ hand.

He smiled in a contented way. “It is time Yoona.”

The sand below their feet changed to that of a rough surface. Yoona glanced around and discovered that they the seashore had vanished. They were standing in a wide cliff, its shape rocky and disoriented.  She could also hear the strong splash of seawaves a few miles below.

“oppa---“ she stopped, to her astonishment, she was no longer standing in front of Donghae. She was positioned in the middle of the cliff, and Donghae was on the edge, a mere backward step and he would fall down. “Oppa! it’s not safe.”

He just smiled at her. “but he isn’t safe too.” he gestured towards the opposite side of Yoona.

She turned her gaze, and was shocked to see that Siwon was standing on the edge as well. As she glanced down, two large ropes appeared on her hands. One was preventing Donghae from falling down while the other was holding Siwon steady.

The cliff shook with fierce movement, making Siwon and Donghae fall backwards. Yoona pulled the two ropes with all her might, but her strength could only sustain a single weight. She looked to Donghae then to Siwon, confused at what she had to do. But as she stared at Siwon, she realized that she wanted to save him more than anyone else.

She desperately looked at Donghaes’ calm features. “Oppa please...”

“You need to let me go Yoona, in order for you to be completely happy...”

She was crying so hard as she realized that he was right. All those moments that they had spend together came flowing like a movie screen before her, from the time that he had lent her his umbrella up to his death. Upon those memories she discovered that the pain had already gone. He was right. The wound on her heart had been healed. It was time to let him go.

She saw him smile at her again, which she responded with a sad smile. Saying goodbye was never easy, even if she had finally moved on. But he was right, it’s a decision she has to make. She needs to live for the present, and not stay with the past. Tears still flowing from her eyes, she spoke in a whispered voice. “...Thank you...”

She then let the rope that was holding Donghae fall to the rocky ground and quickly turned around. Gathering her strength, she pulled the rope up, until Siwon was steady again. She ran towards him and hugged him close.

“Goodbye Yoona...”

Yoona turned around, but Donghae was already gone.

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She opened her eyes. Momentarily forgetting where she was. Then it dawned on her, she was at the park with Siwon, sitting and leaning her head on his shoulder. She had woken up from her sleep. An uncomfortable drop of liquid on her hand made her touch her cheeks. It was wet with tears. her tears, the same tears she had shed on her dream.

...dream...

Everything came rushing through her head. And as her brain recalled every detail of her dream, her tears poured uncontrollably.

Siwon felt the trembling of her body. He leaned forward and saw Yoona crying so hard. Surprised and worried, he lifted her face up. “why are you crying?”

Yoona stared at him with wet eyes. Without warning, she threw herself on him, both her hands closing on his neck, hugging him tight. She continued to cry on his shoulder.

He had no idea what she was crying about; he guessed that perhaps she had a bad dream. “Shhh...everythings gonna be alright...I’m here okay? I won’t leave.”

His words seemed to have worsened her sobbing. Worried sick and confused, he merely huged her closer and caressed her hair. “please...didn’t you promise me that you will never cry again?”

With shaking voice she responded. “I’m sorry oppa...”

He whispered. “no...don’t apologize...shhh...whatever it is, let it all out okay? I’ll be with you...” he doesn’t know what to do, so he just held her in his arms, trying to calm her down. To see her crying was really heartbreaking on his part. It reminds him of how broken she was before, how painful her past had been. If only pain could be transferred, he would gladly get it out from her system and transmit it to him instead.

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“are you really alright?” Siwon asked for a hundredth time. They were inside his car which was parked in front of Yoonas’ house. He decided to take her home even if she had refused.

Yoona forced a smile. “I will be oppa. I’m sorry for being such a crybaby.” She was so grateful to him for not asking anything about the reason why she cried. It had taken her a while before she had calmed down, but he did not leave. He stayed, as what he says he would.

“yeah...you’re wailing like a lost shark.” Siwon joked, trying to lighten the mood.

She gave him a deadly glare. “geez.”

He laughed, when it had died down, he stared at her. he held his hand out and touched her cheek. She could see from his expression that he was worried for her.

“Don’t worry about me oppa. I’ll be fine.”

He sighed and dropped his hand. “I know.”

“I need to go now.” she opened the passenger door, but before she went out, she leaned closed to Siwon and gently kissed him on his cheek. “thank you...” she immediately went out and closed the door.

The kiss lingered like permanent tattoo on Siwons’ system. He still feels the soft brush of Yoonas’ lips on his cheek. It was the third time that she had given him a peck on his cheek, but it still had the same effect. He kept himself in control, because he was beginning to hope for more. He turned the ignition key and waved to Yoona. the latter waved as well and went inside the house.

Yoona had to run upstairs so as her aunt, who sitting at the living room, would not notice her bloodshot eyes. When she had reached the second floors’ landing, however, her aunts’ voice came floating from the first floor.

“Yoona? are you alright?” her aunt asked.

She stopped and had to breath out in order for her voice to be steady. “I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?”

“well, I thought your eyes are rather puffed and red. Is everything allright dear?” she asked anxiously.

“I’m alright. Maybe it’s because of the light.” She answered, hoping that her aunt would believe her lame reason.

“maybe.” Her aunt answered in an uneven tone. “come down for dinner okay?”

“I’m already full aunt. Me and Siwon ate before he brought me home. Have a nice dinner by yourself okay?” she lied. The truth was, Siwon did try to convince her to eat before going home, but she insisted not to. She does not have the appetite for anything yet.

She could hear her aunts’ defeated voice. She knew that her aunt was suspecting otherwise, but she was thankful that she did not press the matter any further. “okay...if that’s what you want. There’s food in the refrigerator, in case you get hungry.”

“okay...” she answered with finality. A few steps and she was standing in front of her rooms’ door. she retrieved its key and inserted it on the doorknob. There was a clicking noise, she then opened the door and went in.

As soon as she sat down on her bed, her eyes looked straight to the bedside table where she had kept the box containing Donghaes’ pictures and letters. She opened the drawer and took the box out. its form was the same as how she had last touched it. She sighed. It seemed like ages ago.

With slightly shaking hands, she uncovered the box. There it was, mounted above all the opened letters, Donghaes’ last unopened letter. She stared at it for quite a while. For the last two years, she did not dare open it. See, for her, unfolding it was the final confirmation that she had lost Donghae forever. She may perhaps be a fool for thinking that way, but it was the only thing that keeps the pain numb.

She took the letter in her hand, and gazed at it for some time. It felt so delicate on her grip, that one strong blow and it would fly out of her hand. She had been keeping it the way it was before, for her own martyr reasons. But she did not forsee that she will one day unleased Donghaes’ final message for her. Until now.

“It is time to let go.”

His words on her dream kept on repeating on her head. The letter had popped out on her mind when she had calmed down from crying. The one final act for her to be completely happy was not just her choosing Siwon, but it was related to his letter. She needed to open it, to let it go, to read it so that she may put a one tiny period at their love story, and to love Siwon without any hindrance.

 She tore the envelope open, as slowly as she could. The letters dropped on her lap, folded neatly by expert hands. She smiled. It was absolutely Donghaes’ style, to fold letters as precisely as possible. She took it and carefully unfolded it.

It consists of two pages. A quick glance and she recognized his clean penmanship. There was a view of a sea printed just above on the stationary.

My dearest Yoona, she read, but found it really hard to continue. She may have moved on, she may have loved another person now, the wound may now have healed, but still, saying farewell to a person who was a big part of her life, was difficult.

She heaved a heavy sigh and mustered every ounce of courage she have, and continued to read the letter. Her eyes were beginning to tear up again, but she now had managed to control it.

My dearest Yoona,

When you read this, I probably have left you behind.

I promised you didn’t I? that I will always be by your side no matter what happens. I know that I have been telling you this for a million times, and you are probably tired of hearing it.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for breaking the promise I was so sure that I could comply. I was a fool you see? For not knowing any better. I have hurt you far beyond your heart can actually sustain. I have caused it, even if you insisted that it wasn’t my fault.

I love you.

I have loved you ever since that first time I saw you, crying, drenched to the bones, running against the storm. The multiple times that we had spent together, as bestfriends, as lovers, was the happiest I have ever been. Being with you was almost a miracle for me. I cherished you far beyond my own life. It seemed to me that the happiness we shared was enough for a whole lifetime.

People and you have said that you are lucky to have met someone like me, that I was the one who pulled you from the brink of severe depression, that I was the reason why you had become happy again. But I beg to disagree. I was the one who was lucky to have the chance of meeting you, of loving you. I may have been the one who saved you from what people say as “insanity”, but you sure compensated me with joy far beyond normal people feels. I feel elevated whenever I am with you. I feel exceedingly happy that the thought of separating from you was impossible.

I wanted to protect that smile from ever vanishing. I promised you and promised myself that no matter what, I will always be with you. At that time when I had told you so, it felt like nothing could separate us.

How very wrong I was.

I was diagnosed with a sickness so incurable it weakens my overall system. It took me a whole lot of my strength to not look as weak as I actually am. You were with me when the doctor broke the sad news, and it tore me inside to see you cry. To see you shaking and your eyes so full of pain, had made my heart break into tiny pieces.

I do not want to worry you. I do not want to see you cry, nor see you in so much agony, but I already have. I know it hurts so much to see me in my weakest state, but you did not leave me, you took care of me and loved me even more. You managed to stay even if it was too unbearable for you. I can see the pain in your eyes, and I felt ten times more. I promised to keep you away from that, but it seemed that I had failed.

I was so scared. Not because of my incoming venture into the unknown, but because I was scared to leave you behind. I started to pray with all I have, asking God to let me live, asking Him to bestow upon me a miracle.

But it seemed that miracles are not for me to use. My conditioned gradually worsened. There is no way but to accept that soon enough, I will vanish from your side, a feat I was sure would leave you broken beyond repair. So I prayed again, this time I prayed that when the time of my death comes, someone will come into your life and wipe the wounds of my passing away. I pray for you to meet someone who could offer you happiness, and protect you from crying again. I asked Him to let you met a person who will heal you and who will love you as I have loved you, or perhaps more.

And now, I must ask you. Please, my love, be happy even if I am no longer by your side. Do not let the pain of my departure caused you to seclude yourself from being happy again. I will surely be sad. When the time comes that He grants me my wish, please have the courage to let me go. I am not asking you to erase my memories, I am asking you to accept the fact that you must say goodbye to me. When all of your wounds are healed, and when you have found someone that you will love more that you have loved me, please, free yourself from my memories. Let me go.

Thank you, my dearest Yoona, for giving me the most wonderful time of my life, for giving me the happiness not all of the people of the world could have. I love you to the fullest, to the very depth of my soul. Thank you for letting me feel so cherished and so loved. Thank you for simply loving me.

Donghae.

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Yoona had woken up from her uncomfortable sleep. Even without looking at herself in the mirror, she was sure that her eyes had become evidently puffy and bloodshot. She had been crying last night, without stopping, until her eyes had dropped into a deep sleep.

She glanced down at her hands. In it was Donghae’s letter, all crumpled now from her hugging it close all throughout her sleep. A glance on her bedside clock tells her that she had awoken from her sleep four hours earlier than expected. She heaved herself up and leaned on the headboard. A sudden gust of cold wind made her hair rustle a bit. The window had been left opened, she might have forgotten to close it. She stood up and went in front of the window. Instead of locking it, she propped her arm on the sill and watched as clouds up high drifted to reveal the first ray of sunlight.

the contents of the letter lingered inside her. It was his final goodbye, and it was painful. To let go of someone so special was hard, but it was what he wanted. His love was of the unselfish kind, for he wished her to be happy even in his final breath. She had loved him so, but it was still gratifying to know that his love had far exceeds everything that he had shown.

He was right, as always, that for her to be completely happy, she needed to say goodbye. After reading his last letter, after crying all night, she stood, before her window, unburdened and free. It was like a heavy rock which she was carrying for two years had disappeared. The letter had set her free from her painful past. A little smile formed in her lips, a trace of peace in her red eyes.

She turned around, her eyes fixed on her study table. She walked the length and sat on the chair, took a pen and a piece of paper. Donghae had left her a final letter, a final message. Now, it was her turn to say her final goodbye. She conveyed everything that she had to say by means of writing.

When she had finished, she retrieved the box and put Donghae’s letter and hers on it. She covered it again and placed it on top of her study table.

A sigh escaped from her as she stood up again and went to the window, closing it slowly. She glanced up. A bird passed by her window then out into the limitless sky. She smiled again, her expression serene.

Thank you oppa...and goodbye...

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