+ Heartbroken +

 

What it felt like having your heart broken. Lifeless, breathless and nothing felt right. Woken up with the thoughts that the love of your life is no longer with you. That he was, he was there for you before but now he wasn’t. And then the reality hit her, he no longer want to be with her. 

 

She have not broken her own heart— he have broken it and in breaking it, knowing that her ex boyfriend have broken her life entirely. Hwayoung had someone once who made every day mean something. And now, she has lost it. And nothing means anything anymore.

 

Yes, she might have understand why things had to happen this way. This is not something that couldn’t figure out past weeks ago. She understand his reason for causing her the pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. It does not call upon the sun when dark clouds have loomed over herself.

 

If it’s not because of her best friend Rose, she would just stay for another day; making it be as three days straight that she decided not to go out from her apartment. Knowing that she have nothing to live for without him. But as much as she knew how her life has been drowning with the failure of her relationship; she couldn’t afford to ruin her life any further. 

 

With a messy hair and the worst outfit that she managed to pick up; she went straight to the campus for her classes. She has been missing few lectures and if her best friend didn’t remind her that she will soon getting a warning letter from the faculty— she could have been expel from the uni. Hwayoung is a bright and excellent student in the law school, she doesn’t have to make more damage to her good pointers.

 

“Are you okay?” One of her classmate ask her. Concerned about Hwayoung being unfocused on the lecture. 

 

“I’m not” At this point, she thought that there is no point for her to lie. She was at her weakest point. “And don’t worry about me. I had enough people pity me for nothing!” 

 

The other person was shocked and annoyed to her answer, “What the hell with you Hwayoung! I was just asking!” 

 

“Don’t mind me!” 

 

She left the lecturer hall right after that. Maybe she was right. Being here to distract her focus on the heartbreak wasn’t going to be work. It make her more anxious and everything she did is wrong. The worst part is when her best friend was unfortunately not there for her and everyone is starting to piss her off.

 

Hwayoung cry again for the nth time. She had no idea for how many times she will cry but she had too. The only way to let go the pain that she felt on her heart— can only be done by crying. With her face buried in her hands, again she let out the pain again. The pain that she felt when she lost Sehun. 

 

“I can’t do this....” 

 

If she could pretend that this is only a dream, she would do that. Knowing that it is just a dream where the next day she wake up from this nightmare, she could reach her hand to him and Sehun will just be there with her forever. If..and only if it was just a dream. She still need him in her life. 

 

“I missed you so much Sehun” She whispered to the sky with the hope that her message will reach him. 

 

Twenty minutes has passed and she still there. Sitting on the bench alone with her puffy eyes that seems to never heal any sooner. Hwayoung was looking for a way for her to at least not to think about what has happened, or do anything that can make her forget about him. She have to do that in order to keep survive. Because she can see that there is no point for her to live anymore without him.

 

Maybe she was thinking too much or she was being hallucination again but she feel his presence around. The same feeling that she felt two years ago. The same warmth and the same scent that she knew it come only from the specific person. Hwayoung didn’t make mistake on this; she knew that he was here. 

 

She shed her tears and follow her instinct. It could be happen that Sehun might be here and come back to her embrace. Maybe it was a mistake that he broke with her..that this could be just a nightmarez She was so sure that she could see him just now. And she was right, Sehun was here. 

 

In the restricted area with the rest of EXO members, getting ready for the mini showcase for the uni festival. She wanted to go and meet him by herself, but when she saw how the place are guarded by the  security and lined up of the fanatic fangirl; she realized it straight away— their world has been apart now. 

 

This is not going to help her to heal, to move on from her misery. Going to sit in a row with other fans watching they perform live on the stage is definitely not a wise decision. But Hwayoung was so desperate. She want to see him, she want to see him again even if it means that...from a far.

 

“That is one spectacular performance from the famous group, EXO!” The emcee announces once they have done with their performance of the night. 

 

Getting an invitation for top uni for performance is great enough, but it will so much awkward when your ex girlfriend was one of the student in that uni and she was there seeing you performing life, with her puffy eyes never leave him along the times. 

 

Sehun never wrong when he said that, it was pretty obvious that he was restless thinking that Hwayoung stares never leave him and how awkward it will be. Especially when the emcee said that there will be a session interaction with fans. 

 

He was so immersed with his worries for Hwayoung not getting call during the session or anything related to her. He know that he couldn’t handle it well. So when the emcee call his name for his turn, he become puzzled.

 

“Ye— yeah?” He was confused as his name was called for next session. All the members was done with their part. Leaving the youngest for his turn.

 

“We are going to choose one lucky fan to have a words with you” The emcee added while searching for that lucky fan among the crowds.

 

“.......and how about you..the one that in yellow shirt....girl in the third row”

 

Hwayoung was frozen in her place. Now with everyone looking at her direction including the stares from the guy that she missed most, it seems so unreal at this moment. The staff are making their way to her as to pass Hwayoung the mic. With a shaking hands she took the mic and stand up. 

 

“Congratulations! This is your lucky day to have few words with EXO!” The loudness from the emcee and cheering for the crowd can’t beat the nervousness that she felt in her hearts. “You may say something to Oh Sehun” He added. 

 

There are more than hundreds people in the venue along with all the stares from the EXO members on them; yet Hwayoung could only see one person in front of her. Someone that she longed for his love, for his warmth, for his affection. Someone that she met two years ago that made her experienced how wonderful love is. 

 

And someone that just broke her heart into a pieces. Someone that she could have hate now for the rest of her life. So much anger and frustration that she wanted Sehun to know. But when she open all she could say is, “I love you Sehun.....I really love you”

 

The stream of tears flowing out from her eyes, straightly into Sehun. Among all the times that they have been together, this is the purest, the most sincere confession to him. So genuine that make everyone in the venue froze, feeling so real as if it is they both are in relationship instead of having this fan-idol crushes. 

 

Little did they know, this could be the last time that she said those words to him. The last time as she knew that the beautiful dream that she had with Sehun has ended. That guy that promise him love and happiness has thrown her out of his life. They were over. 

 

Sehun on the other side find that it was hard for him to pick the correct words. It is between to keep calm and act in front of his fans or to console his ex girlfriend who seemed so broken, “I.......”

 

It was silent for a minute before the emcee clear his throat and give his speech as to wrap the event. “I believe that EXO-L really love the boys. Thank you for a great night and have a good day everyone!” 

 

As everyone starting to leave the venue along with idol, Hwayoung are still there collecting the last pieces of her heart. This is the worst and she realized that it will never be easy to let go someone you really love. It will never be easy.

 

+++

 

It’s painful, loving someone from afar.

Watching them from the outside.

The once familiar elements of our life has been removed completely leaving us with the pain and loneliness. As pathetic as it might sound, Hwayoung really could not live without him.

 

It was 2.30am in the morning when she was stranded in the soju stall up to that hour. After the previous event in her uni ended earlier, she went to this place to clear out her mind. When she thought that meeting him will ease her pain, it will only make her missing him more. As she couldn’t make a rational decision on her own, at least she knew that alcohol can help her. 

 

She had two bottle first; as to make her feel better. There is no point to hold on as the only way to lessen the lump in her heart is by forgetting it. Which she can do without the help of the drinks. So she drink more. Only up to the fifth bottle when she finally wasted. Alone in the soju stall ranting and crying about how she was left by her lover. 

 

“Ahjumma! Can pleasssse.......play the song again?” She giggled with another bottle on her right hand.

 

It was the third times that the owner of the stall playing the same song of EXO, specially requesting by Hwayoung and she keep whining to hear his ex boyfriend voice. She will put her ear near the small radio that the aunty have, repeating again from starting if she missed Sehun part in the song. 

 

Once in awhile she will sobbing, “Why is that hard for me just to hear your voice?” And then she will clap her hand and stand up raising her soju bottle while singing to his part in that song. 

 

“Young lady, I should have play another song” The owner, probably in her 50s playing the next song in her radio. 

 

“I want my Sehun.......song....please” 

 

“But you have listened it so many times! Why you want to hear the same song again” Luckily that the owner is kind-hearted lady or else Hwayoung probably are getting kicked from the stall.

 

She smiles sheepishly before sobbing again. “Because I missed him too much. I need to hear him all the time.......because he doesn’t want me anymore”

 

In the context of love, she remembered that it is something beautiful that you can describe. The feeling of love and being loved that it make us forget about the surrounding and have our focus entirely for the one and only, the special person that we want to shared the happiness with. She has taught that way.

 

But no one ever told her how sorrow traumatizes will her heart when it’s over, making her think it will never beat exactly the same way again. No one ever told her how grief feels like someone that have promise to be with her to be taken away just like that. That it makes her feel like she was forced to breathe through, thinking that with each breath she will come up short and suffocate.

 

Only half an hour later after she was crying non-stop that made the owner called Rose to pickup the wasted girl. She was resting her head on her bicep while whining to the lady to get her another bottle of soju, only to stop by someone grabbing her arm. 

 

“No more drink, Hwayoung. I will bring you home” 

 

She lifted up her face only smile when she notice the newcomer. “Are you Sehun? You are going to bring me back home is it?”

 

“Yes yes...let’s go home” That man replied. But when Hwayoung has stand up ready to move, she then stopped and take few steps back. “Wait! No! You are not Sehun! You didn’t smell like him!” 

 

“Oh my God Hwayoung you are so wasted. Thankfully that my sister call me to pick you up” He shake his head. 

 

“Rose? Rose? Are you talking about myyyyyy Chaeyoung?” She couldn’t even walk straight at this point. “I miss her” 

 

Hanbin help her to walk but refuse and stay still at her place. “I know but she is in Busan doing her uni project, remember? I will help you to get home” 

 

“Get. Me. Sehun.” She stated clearly with hiccups in between. 

 

“Why are you still looking for him Hwayong....he broke your heart” He pitied his best friend so much, as he knew how it felt when your heart is broken. Hanbin himself have experienced it on his own. Especially when the girl that he like didn’t like him back.

 

“Because I love him so much.....” She sobbed. 

 

“He is the toxic in your life Hwayoung. Please.....you can do so much better than this” 

 

“I know!” She yelled. “Everyone been telling me the same even from the first day we were together! But have anyone think about me? You had no idea how much I love him! You don’t understand....no one ever will”

 

Sehun couldn’t think straight nor feeling calm as the event ended. He was trying to look for her, but he knew that it is impossible. He probably didn’t have anything related to her anymore but he need to protect her. If he being selfish again, it will only hurt her. He knew how obsessive his fans are. 

 

Everything that he did probably will make Hwayoung hate him. But he rather to have his ex girlfriend to hate him for her entire life rather than ruined her with this unstable relationship. Seeing she cried like that already make his heart clenched multiple time, as to saw someone he used to care hurt that much. But everything has happened. She was his past now. 

 

Someday, they will run into each other again, he know it. Maybe he will be older and smarter and just plain better. If that happens, that’s when Sehun think that he deserve her. But now, at this moment, he can’t hook her boat to him, because he knew that he is liable to sink them both.

 

It’s been third time the same number calling him at this hour. An unknown number. He hesitated to pick up at first, afraid that it would just another obsessive fan. He never pick up the call from the number that he didn’t save. But something telling him that he should just pick up that call. 

 

“Get your fcking here in 30 minutes” Sehun thought that it was rude that without any proper introduction, the caller just demand him like that. 

 

“Excuse me?” He replied on the other line. 

 

“This is Hanbin” Recalling the name, Sehun seems to remember him from the last time Hwayoung told him. “Hwayoung is so wasted now. Please take her home” 

 

“Why wouldn’t you just do that?” Sehun sigh. He knew that it wasn’t a good idea for him to go to her. Even when he’s so worried at that time. 

 

“She only want you” Hanbin was so frustrated. “I’m so going to kill you for breaking her heart like this and there is no way I want someone like you to be near with her! But she fcking want you only!”

 

His steps are getting slower as his shoulder was wet from her sobbing. Sehun has been piggyback Hwayong for quite sometime as she refused to go on ride with his car. As he saw how wasted she was and since he was the one who caused it, he didn’t mind if he have to walk that far. 

 

“Please don’t.....leave me” A slow whimper from her as she still sobbing miserably. “Do you hate me that much Sehun?” She added. 

 

“I’m not Hwayoung. No one ever will” He calm her. 

 

“Then why are you leaving me!” Suddenly she goes aggressive and jump down from his back, turning his body to face her. 

 

He sigh and hold her hand tightly. “Time. I couldn’t give you my time. You can be with me knowing that I will never have enough time to cherish you with love and affection. I couldn’t afford that and I don’t want to hurt you with that”

 

“You put me through hell Sehun! On purpose. By doing this you know that you only made me suffer. And there’s no end in sight. I don’t know what the fck you’re doing Sehun but this ain’t cutting it with me!”

 

“I’m sorry...” As he said. “But we couldn’t be together......this is for your own good” 

 

Hwayoung is dying everyday. Her breakfast are memories, her lunch is depression, her snacks are regrets and disappointment, her dinner is anger, her night is non stoping tear, sleep is her death and waking up with no desire to survive. She couldn’t take it anymore.

 

“You know that I can’t live without you right?” She said while taking steps back close to the main road. 

 

“Hwayoung what are you doing” His voice are shaking as he afraid that she will do something stupid. 

 

“I know that I should live my life.....” She added. “I tried....” It seems like she’s not going to stop her action. She’s not someone that will sacrifice her life only for this but having alcohol in her system making it hard. 

 

Sehun already alerted what her action next. “Min Hwayoung....listen to me....”

 

“Everyone telling me that you are the toxic of our relationship. But they were wrong. I was the one. I was so in love with you. I love you more than myself. I was the toxic in us” And she smiles before taking another step. “I’m sorry Sehun.....”

 

“Baby please.....” Sehun already crying at this point and running to grab her. 

 

“I love you”  Her last word before she running to the main road and get hit by a car.

 

+++

 

He wish that he was the one who getting the hit. He wish that he will be the one that will lying lifelessly on the hospital bed instead of her. He wish that he would feel all the pain...Sehun wish that he could turn back the time. 

 

Only God know how he prayed so hard in the ambulance, holding one of Hwayoung hand hoping that she would survive. Hoping that she would keep be alive and punish him for what he has done to her. Regret for what he has done, he wish that he could do everything just to save her. He need her to be alive.

 

It turns out that he couldn’t managed to run to her when she was getting hit by a car. It happened so fast that suddenly he heard a loud break sound from the car and the next thing he knew that she was knocked on the road. It wasn’t that bad as the ambulance comes fast at the moment.  But seeing her fainted with a blood rush from her ear, it was enough to send Sehun to the edge. 

 

And he realized that he was afraid to loose her. 

 

He didn’t said anything when Rose suddenly slap him on his face and when Hanbin punch him twice, knowing that he supposed to get that for making their friend like that. This is not the first time he hurt her and the scratches and blood that he got was nothing compared to the pain that Hwayoung felt because of him. 

 

Sehun keep silent again when Rose tell him everything about how Hwayoung love him, how she endured all the ache in her heart during the time that he ignored her, treating her like trash, and how she felt when she saw how Sehun smile towards the other girl at the concert, the same way she once felt when he was so in love with her. 

 

He didn’t said any words but tears was flowing non-stop. 

 

“Don’t you dare to come near her or I will kill you!” Rose was screaming at him. 

 

“Rose— stop” Her brother stop her from being emotional. Especially when they were at the hospital. This is not the place for them to yell at each other. 

 

“I know you just want to protect Hwayoung but please....she love him” Hanbin let out a long sigh. “Sehun, go inside and see her first” 

 

Rose eyes was widen when her brother let Sehun to see Hwayoung in the ward. Her best friend are almost killed because of him and her brother want him to get near her? As a very protective best friend, she definitely wouldn’t allow that. 

 

“Don’t be selfish Rose. And Sehun, I want to talk to you once you done” Hanbin said while pulling his sister out of the place.

 

He just nodded make his way to Hwayong ward to see her. With a heavy step, he knocked twice the door before slide it to enter the room. 

 

“Hwayoung....” He called the name. Her body was laying with her back facing the door. Her head was covered with bandage and he can see that she was still connected to the IV drip pack, to supply the energy to her. 

 

He come closer to the opposite site, to come face to face with her. Sat on the edge of her bed, he sigh before calling her name again. She didn’t respond but keep her eyes on the wall, avoiding his stares. 

 

“I’m sorry for everything” He started. “It’s all my fault. Please remember that I still care a lot for you” 

 

She scoffed. The only sound that come from her breaking the silentness among them. “You didn’t meant it Sehun”

 

“I did!” He raised his voice a bit. “If only you know the truth Hwayoung. If only you could believe my words. You had no idea how afraid I was when it happened. I’m sorry. That is the only thing that I can say”

 

Sehun knew that there is no point for him to stay longer when all she did is giving him a cold shoulder. He deserved it and not complaining, but to make his way out from the room. 

 

“Sehun” she called him when he about to exit the room. 

 

“You won’t hurt someone you care” 

 

Out of all the cursed he heard that day, her words still stuck on his mind. And that marking another new start for him living in guilty when he leaving the hospital, leaving her for goods. Hwayoung was right, he wouldn’t hurt someone he care. And just like what Hanbin remind him earlier, if he love her he should let her go. Hwayoung deserve better. 

 

When he arrived to his dorm, he already expected when s bombarded him with so many questions. Even when Baekhyun about to punch him in the face, he still didn’t said anything. Everything has been over once he hurt her and he knew that he just ed up his life. 

 

And there is only one person that he want to meet right now. 

 

“It’s hurt Suho.....I couldn’t act anymore....my heart is broken....”

 

The older hug him tightly as he knew exactly how he felt. The reason why he did and how broken he is. 

 

“You have made your decision Sehun. This is for her own good. You did it because you love her” 

 

He yelled in frustration. “I lost her because of them! Because of that stupid rule! I was loser Suho! I hurt the love of my life because of them! I was broken inside and out......I really love her”

 

“I know Sehun, I know that you love her so much”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A/N: This is not the end please don’t kill me T.T