+ Insecurity +

 

Walking pass the street of her campus area, she saw from across the street where a couple was arguing among themselves, probably having a little fight as the girl was clearly annoyed of her partner. Immediately bring her back to her old memories when she was so head over heels towards her boyfriend and literally will just stay there doing everything he asked.

 

That time when she clearly knew that her boyfriend doesn’t harbor any feelings as much as she is but be with her so that he can make her as his little pet— doing almost everything that he asked. She definitely stupid; as what her former best friend told her. That she was so stupid to love her boyfriend despite that his bad attitude towards her. 

 

She remembered that one time during their first date, when she waited for him almost 1 hour in front of the cinema holding a box of popcorn and 2 cups of coke alone, fidgeting in her place afraid that her boyfriend wouldn’t show up. Later when the movie already started for 15 minutes, he finally come to meet her. 

 

“Next time I wouldn’t ever show up if you making a last minute plan like this” Sehun was annoyed much because her girlfriend was calling him non stop when he was playing a game at Kai home. 

 

“But we already plan it since last week” She said weakly. “I guess you didn’t remember it” 

 

The ice in the cups was already melted when Sehun sipping the drink. “Then you should remind me. I have so many other thing than to remember this silly thing”

 

That moment when she couldn’t say anything in response but to just go with him because she doesn’t want Sehun to leave her, even though when she was hurt. To have a hopeless boyfriend that was far from those romantic hero that she always saw in the K-drama. Sehun wasn’t like them. 

 

But then she realized that it’s all worth it. The time that she wait for him to change. For him to accept her and love her without any condition. Hwayoung didn’t mind to call crazy or anything, because she knew how great the power of love is. It changed people and it changed feelings. She was affected too, just by knowing that she has grow deeply in love with the love of her life, Oh Sehun. 

 

To: Baby Girl

Good morning baby. I need your hug :( 

 

Hwayoung smile again as she cross the road when the traffic light turns green. Sehun sent her a photo of him on the bed hugging to pillow and imagine that it was her. How come she’s not falling in love with the same person when he just so adorable. She quickly typing back as to reply to her sweetheart text message before entering her class.

 

Time surely flies so fast. The last time she recalled getting all these stress, crying so bad to remember all the theories and all the sleepless nights for studying was during her high school and then suddenly poof! Suddenly Hwayoung already in her second semester of college. 

 

It was tiring, of course she will. Being a student itself is tough. Not to be mentioned when she enrolled herself into one of the hardest courses in the college, which is in law faculty. With the need to remember so many foreign terms and legal act, it definitely wasn’t an easy for her. She was struggling so much to the point that she almost want to quit. 

 

But she won’t do that. This is her dream. To become a lawyer one fine day. No matter how hard her life will be, she will face it because she knew that everything will be worth it for her future. Hwayoung herself has promised herself, and just like Sehun, she also make a vow that she will do the best to fulfill her dream. 

 

Others might question her why she must choose this course for her college. While everyone know that taking a degree in law is a tough one, but Hwayoung never regret her decision. She had her own reason and nothing can stop her to do what she love to. Like what her boyfriend once told her. Live your live and achieve your dream.

 

“Can we go for a coffee session after this?” Her best friend whispered to her. 

 

She just nodded with her attention still on the lecturer explanation. “And a slice of Tiramisu cake as usual?” Hwayoung teased the person beside her. 

 

“Yes absolutely!” 

 

She glad that being in college has made her to befriend with multiple persons and once again made her believe that a real best friend does exist. She remembered how she used to had one before but not until she found out that her ex best friend broke their friendship because she was jealous that she have a boyfriend during that time. 

 

Surely people do come and go as they wish. We can never beg someone to stay in our life to with us, unless they are the one who wanted to do that. And in the midst of all these fake friends world, she glad that she found one of the nicest friend that she can count on. At least she believes that her new best friend is sincerely with her. 

 

“Really Hwayoung I think you should just meet my brother personally and then you will know how annoying he is!” Her best friend whined. 

 

“Rose, you are being so dramatic. Maybe it was his way to show his affection for his little sister” She replied to her complaint. 

 

Rose rolled her eyes and just grab her arm to enter the coffee shop together. “Two slice of Tiramisu cakes with Vanilla Frappe for me and Ice Caramel Macchiato for my best friend please!” As she ordered to the barista. 

 

“Thank you Chaeyoung for the treats!” Hwayoung playfully stuck out her tongue to her best friend. 

 

It was during their orientation week, when Hwayoung getting all confused with her college direction and almost got lost in the unknown environment, a cheerful bubbly girl suddenly approached and say hi to her. It was awkward and so sudden but because of bright personality, Hwayoung found that she actually can help her at that time. 

 

She was. If not because of Rose, she might not be able to register her class on time and probably will be just crying in the corner of the huge building alone during that day. Later they found out that they both are in the same faculty and luckily, had the same classes for their schedules. Since then, they were just inseparable. 

 

Grateful is what she can said right now. To have someone that will help her to go through her lonely phase of her life without her boyfriend, it is one of the blessing to her. When everything is not in right place or when she have a doubt, Rose is someone that Hwayoung can lean into. 

 

“Aww look at you! Smiling all over again looking at your phone!” 

 

“What?” Hwayoung said as she noticed that Rose was annoyed due to the lack of attention that she got from her. 

 

Hwayoung just couldn’t hide her wide smile when she re-watching the video that her boyfriend sent last night. It was a short video of him having a training in the dance studio. To see her boyfriend grove his body ecstatically to the music like that, it just really made her day better. Sehun is just so talented. 

 

Once in awhile he will drop a short video of him training the dance routine or short sneak peak of their upcoming song. Being his number one fans, she couldn’t help but too feel overwhelmed by the progress that he shown in every videos he sent. Gradually he becomes better, his sharp dance moves, his rapping and his singing. She proud of it. So proud of her boyfriend.

 

With both of her hand on her waist, Rose cutely scold her best friend. “Stop being so secretive and tell me who the hell is your boyfriend is Min Hwayoung!” 

 

But sadly that Hwayoung was just laugh at her cute gestures. “I told you that sooner or later you will find out. Just wait for a moment okay sweetie?” 

 

“I really don’t understand why you have to hide your boyfriend. As if you are dating with an idol” Rose casually said that while sipping her drink. Hearing that, Hwayoung only gulped nervously. 

 

+++

 

Sehun had to keep his hands clenched at his sides to avoid wiping his sweaty palms on the fancy stage clothes as he reached the waiting room. To perform in the same venue with a lot of seniors in the entertainment industry, while being the spotlight of the night— he couldn’t help but to feel nervous. 

 

Compare to their debut stage, where everybody started to know their name, each of the members of EXO, to witness them performing live for the first time, this night will be more than that. It is the end of year award and to perform for this kind of event, it will definitely become the highlight of the Sehun and his group career. 

 

Never expected that they will be this huge; the boys couldn’t help but to feel overwhelmed with the support that they received from the fans and media. As soon as they debuted, they were all over the place. Billboard, magazine, tv show was full with EXO. Being the first group that claimed that have the best visual and amazing talents in history, it wouldn’t be a big surprise that they already become the nation favorite group. 

 

“She will come Sehun. Can you chill a bit dude” Kai said to him as Sehun has been fidgeting in his seat since earlier. They were right about how nervous people tend to overreact.

 

“I am. What do you think I’m doing right now” Sehun could denied as much as he can but his body betrayed him. Sweats was all over his forehead and obviously everyone in the waiting room know that there’s only one person that can help him with his stage fright symptoms. 

 

Suho their leader just shake his head looking at the most stubborn member in the group. “Your girlfriend will definitely come to support you. She has been with us since our debut stage. Surely she wouldn’t miss this important event”

 

“My best friend will definitely never forget that” Baekhyun smile as he pointed out to the door when the person that they have been waiting finally show up. 

 

As much as EXO delighted to see their number one fan, Sehun feel like he finally have his strength for that night. Someone that will always be his happy pills, energy booster and muse every time he perform on the stage. The one that will cheer him up with compliments when he did well and the one that will comfort him with a hug when he feels down.

 

He wouldn’t ask more when he already have her in his arm. It never changed. The way her warmth make him feel better and calm. The way his girlfriend rub her hand on his back, telling him that he will do great later, it still the same feelings as what he felt a year ago when they were just get together. Sehun wouldn’t trade anything for his precious girlfriend. 

 

Even when he need to lie to the staff saying that Hwayoung is just a best friend that has been with EXO even since the high school. That he unintentionally already hurt his girlfriend at the first place by saying that, which he justify to need that it has been done if he wanted her to be with him at the backstage, he would do anything just to have with him. Forever. 

 

“Good luck for tonight Sehun” Hwayoung voices was soft. The usual tone that she will always used whenever she talk to her boyfriend.

 

He his thumb over her cheeks, “Thank you baby. It means so much for me” Sehun said it. Really, for him her words do have power and it is so genuinely, it convey her pure intentions, emotions, and feelings strongly.

 

Luckily they were in the corner of the waiting room where it hides them for the rest. Hwayoung would not risk them to get caught by the staff. She always knows and aware that it just prohibited to have a romantic relationship with rookie artist. Sehun will be in trouble if it leaks. EXO too, it will become a bad image for them to have a scandal. 

 

Getting closer to Sehun, she wrap her arms around his neck to close the proximity between them. With her eyes never leave him, Hwayoung then rub a finger across his lower lip. “What can I do to make you feel less nervous”

 

“I’m not nervous" he lied, still standing close to her. “No i don't. That's absurd. I can’t wait to rock the stage and-"

 

She leaned closer and whisper to him. Sehun thought that if she was trying to seduce him, it really worked. “Then— Do i make you nervous?" 

 

"No. I'm not nervous."

 

"You're trembling” At this point Hwayoung still amazed that Sehun still keep his poker face and not just jump to kiss her like he always did.

 

“. When are you going to kiss me?!” And then he blabbered stupidly. Hwayoung just blinks her eyes repeatedly.

 

His glance went to her lips, then back to her eyes. "Sorry baby I couldn’t wait any longer for my good luck kisses”

 

EXO did well that night. Their performance was superb and all the fans are screaming out loud to cheer for them. For a new group like them, it was quite impressive that they are able to grab everyone attention with their spectacular performance. Especially when there was other senior artist who attend the event as well and it wasn’t a surprise anymore when they got their first ever award, rookie of the year. 

 

Among the crowd of multi fandom fans, there is a girl holding the EXO light stick tightly in her hand, with a teary eyes as she witness her favorite artist, which also her best friends and boyfriend standing on the stage delivering their speech when they rewarded the trophy. Call her emotional girl, but Hwayoung couldn’t help but to cry. They have come far. Sehun has come so far. 

 

“I’m so proud with them!” Hwayoung just smile when she overheard the conversation between the girls as they exited the venue.

 

“Oh God. Me too! Can’t you see how adorable Baekhyun is?!” The other girl squeal in excitement. “And Kai is freaking hot!” 

 

They sigh together. “I really want to be their girlfriend” 

 

“In your dream!” Her friend said. Hwayoung was laughing too at the back, thinking that this girl was right. “Don’t you know that idol and normal girl like us will never get together? It’s a jinx”

 

Hwayoung gulped. Walking closely to them as to hear more from the girls. “What jinx?” As she heard more. 

 

“That if the idol date with non-artist or used to date previously...they will eventually break up” 

 

She could not really just standing there and keep calm after hearing that. Somehow it affected her. Especially when the other girl added, “Just remember that we are not the same level. The idol and us...it will never work”

 

Hwawyoung freeze from where she stand. She didn’t know how she should felt when she heard that. But it bothered her. Is this the feeling? To feel insecure of your partner? To have a feeling that your relationship might be ended in any time soon? To feel like everything that the girls said probably become real? She is afraid. It wasn’t the time to loose Sehun yet.

 

+++

 

“You should go out then!” Her best friend said on the other line. 

 

Hwayoung chuckled. “You know that I don’t have any best friend beside you, Rose” 

 

“Well...why don’t you go and visit your family then?” Rose come out with another suggestion before remembering that it wouldn’t work out for her too. “Oh sorry! I forgot that they wasn’t here”

 

“I rather save my money than to spend it on a airplane trip to to Australia” Hwayoung casually said that. “I’m thinking about to find a part time job for this semester break. Do you know any place?” 

 

Their little conversation on the phone the other day was the reason while Hwayoung was standing in front of the flower shop in Hongdae early at this hour. It was 8AM  and she was shivering when the cold morning breeze brush off her shoulder— made Hwayoung regret her decision immediately when she decided not to bring her hoodie along when she left the apartment this morning. 

 

Tapping on her Vans checkered sneakers continuously, she just hope that the person that she waited for almost 20 minutes will come sooner. That person is the reason why she wake up extra early today and there stood in front of the familiar shop for an interview; well that was the person said to her. That the shop with a bright yellow signboard have a vacancy available for part timers. 

 

Hwayoung wasn’t that desperate to get a job for a money, but instead she just wanted to kill some times during her semester break. Doing something that will fill her time while being lonely. Her family was so far away from the city and she just have to forget the idea to spend semester break with her boyfriend when he clearly don’t have time for that. He is a busy person, she was more than aware of that. 

 

She is not complaining. Well, maybe. 

 

After another 10 minutes of waiting, the person that she waited finally come. She was running towards Hwayoung and clearly, know that her best friend was annoyed with her being late. “I’m so sorry that I late! The traffic was so so bad. I swear!”

 

“Yeah it was the traffic fault again, Rose” Hwayoung just shrugged it off, being so used of her best friend coming late to their meet up every time. “I wouldn’t get the job if I show up this late anyway”

 

“Who said...” She dragged Hwayoung to the small door on the side of the flower shop and start unlocking the premise. “Congratulations! You already accepted for this job!”

 

Confusedly, Hwayoung just stood in the same place for a minute before she able to get what her best friend meant it. “Holy . This is yours Rose?!” 

 

She hummed in respond. “Technically it’s my family business. But yeah you can guess it from where I get my name” 

 

“Why you didn’t tell me that you are a florist!” Hwayoung was so excited with the news that she found out that day.

 

“She’s not” A voice suddenly interrupt them from behind. “For someone who have trouble to remember each of the flowers name in the shop, nah you can’t call her a florist” 

 

Hwayoung was shocked, trying to process everything that just happened. It probably due to the fact that it still in morning and her brain couldn’t just process properly but she just clueless with this guy. The way that he just stood there with his body lean on the glass window of the flower shop and dissed her best friend just like that, who the hell that this handsome guy is. 

 

There is no need to lie. This guy is just literally made her stars truck for few minutes, as she still mesmerizing his outstanding visual. He is a tall guy with a very good body portion and the way he smile while his hair backwards— this is so like drama. Hwayoung even wonder how blessed she was this morning that God sent an angel to make her day brighter. 

 

“Shut up B.I. Why can’t you just be a good brother to me?” Hwayoung was awake from her daydreaming when Rose spoke. That’s it. He is the annoying brother that she always told. 

 

B.I, or whatever his name is just casually walk closer to them and greet Hwayoung properly. “Hi. I’ve heard a lot about you from my baby sis. My name is Hanbin and I hope that you will have a good time working with us” 

 

“Me too Hanbin” Really, it would be so nice to have a very good looking boss to work with. 

 

Is it wrong that she have a feeling like that towards her best friend brother. A feeling when she easily get nervous when when he come closer, or the time when Hanbin being himself, a gentleman guy that would praise her for wearing a pretty dress or when she looks cute with blusher on her cheeks. It is normal to feel that when she already have a boyfriend? 

 

While her co-worker slash boss being so nice to her and treat her nicely, she couldn’t help but to feel the feelings again. Like when someone is having a crush on a cute guy. It probably due to the lack of attention that she got from her boyfriend last few weeks due to his busy schedule, Hwayoung admit that she really feel like she need to be loved again. 

 

“Do you like rose?” Hanbin asked as he handled her a cup of her favorite bubble tea. 

 

She didn’t forget to say thank you for that free drink. “Rose? You mean your sister?” As she asked confusedly. 

 

“That was evergreen jokes that my family keep pulling out to each of her boyfriend” He chuckled adoring her innocence. “I’m talking about the flowers that you hold. Do you like roses?” He asking it again. 

 

“Ah— So you mean this?” She hold out a bouquet of red roses to put in the vase. “It would be cliché to like roses. I prefer sunflower. It’s weird but yeah I just literally like it” 

 

Hanbin just nodded, amazed with the unexpected answer. “It’s not weird. Sunflower is a good choice. So unique and.....full of emotion” 

 

“Sensitive soul aren’t you?” She playfully hit him on the arm. “Not a surprise that you run this business”

 

“I guess I am. I make music, couldn’t help but to have that sentimental side on myself” 

 

“You produce?!” She gasped. “That must be amazing! I knew someone....who love music as well...” It getting weakly at the end of her sentences.

 

She hate it that how she can easily get comfortable when Hanbin was around, helping her with her work or just casually sit beside her while playing his phone. This could lead to a stupid crush that she shouldn’t even feel it. Especially when she already got a boyfriend. 

 

Speaking about that, it seems that her feelings are slowly betrayed her. She was the one who promised him that she will be tolerated with his lifestyle as an artist, but it seems like everything didn’t come out as what she planned or what she expected. Hwayoung didn’t knew that Sehun group will be this big— they are all over the news and girls was crazy with the boys. 

 

Hwayoung didn’t mind that, knowing that it is normal to have a lot of fangirls that will scream his name and worship him like precious stone. But what makes her feel neglected is when he starting to text less, rarely call her and she just couldn’t remember when was the last time he FaceTime her. She just scared that it would become true— when people said that you wouldn’t last long when you date with an idol. 

 

“I’m so going to sign up for their fan club” Rose announces when EXO interview was played on the tv. 

 

Hwayoung just smile, knowing that her best friend must be all excited if she know that she is related to them. “As far as I remember, you like T.O.P from Big Bang” She . 

 

“I’m a multi fandom fan!” Rose replied. “Isn’t he just amazing? Tall and handsome....” Hwayoung nervously waiting for her response, afraid if her best friend will stan her own boyfriend. 

 

“Is it him?” She asked to Rose. 

 

Rose pointed out her finger to the tv screen again. “Sehun?” She ask for confirmation. “He’s handsome. But actually I’m more into Chanyeol”

 

Hwayoung let out a relived sigh when her best friend finally clarify that it wasn’t her boyfriend that she have eyes on. Luckily, she don’t have to witness an emotional confession when she will tell her the truth one day. It’s not that she don’t want her best friend to know the truth, it just that it wouldn’t be that easy to tell someone that you date an idol. 

 

It’s like you met a friend, who obviously a fan girl of EXO too, telling you that she date one of the boys. Isn’t that funny? Hwayoung wonder if her best friend would trust her on that. While in fanfiction it seems like a dream to have idol as your boyfriend, the reality is the opposite of that. It would never be that glam. Especially when you have to hide your relationship from the world. 

 

All of their eyes was on screen when the MC of the show start to interview them. “Many of your fans out there curios about your personal life. Would you prefer to share it with your fans?” As he asked. 

 

“We want to have a strong bonding with our fans so we believe that we shouldn’t keep any secret from them” Suho, EXO leader replied. 

 

“How about your love life? Does anyone of you have a girlfriend right now?” The interview session was getting heated as the MC started to ask personal question to the boys.

 

Hwayoung was smiling when it was her boyfriend time. Seeing him all good with makeup and fancy stage outfit, it just making him more attractive than he already is. “How about you Sehun-ssi? Do you have anyone special now?” She was getting nervous as the mic was now passed to him. Will he tell everyone how much he love her? Will her make a public announcement about their relationship? She just getting so excited all of sudden. 

 

“EXO just started to build up our career now and we are now focus to give the best for our fans” Hwayoung couldn’t be more than proud of him. But then her smile was quickly vanished as he continue his statement.

 

“I don’t have a girlfriend. Love life will just become a distraction and I believe that my career is more important than anything else for now” 

 

As if the world has stop spinning, Hwayoung stop in her movement. Speechless. Is this how heart broken felt like? She asked herself again. Is this really the end for them?

 

‘Distraction’. She is just a distraction for Sehun.