+I Missed Him+

 

They said that it won’t be easy to achieve our dream, well that’s true. Sehun one of the dreamers that absolutely agreed with that quote. Being there in the giant entertainment company, well known with their great artists and musicians, plus the recognition as one of the big three agent— its not exaggerating to say ‘welcome to hell life as trainee’.

 

That includes endless period of training as their future is uncertainty. Some trainee took the average is 2 to 4 years to debut but it’s starting to vary a lot depending on the company. For Sehun and his team they just hope that one day their agency will let them debut and for everyone to acknowledge their talent.

 

Surely they are a bit lucky as they were recruited by a top entertainment agency, where they get all the privilege living in a apartment instead of being cramped into a small flat like any other company. But it doesn’t means that they got a better treatment. In fact, it just too much for them. 

 

“So you guys think that the industry will let untalented people like you guys to survive?!!” 

 

For a moment, they felt like a knife was stab into their heart. All of them are not pushing their limit off during their practice just to get insulted like this. But they can’t do nothing. They have to face it and accept it. Or else, they will lose the chance that perhaps never come again in their life.

 

“We are sorry for the lack of efforts in our practice. We will work harder” Suho still being that guy that will stand for them. Once a leader, forever will be a leader.

 

“There is so many people out there that can replace your place in any time!” 

 

As always, a yell from their coaches is like a melody that will hear all times. They were forced to multiple lesson in a day, making their training schedule packed with vocal class, dancing class, language and even gym session. Their normal routine will be they have to wake up early in the morning, rushing to the training centre and goes back at midnight. Everyday.

 

Looking how drastic his life is right now, he realized that he just come far from where he started. From being labeled as dreamer for having such a cliché dream to be an idol; Sehun now one step closer to become an artist in Korea. Feeling blessed as he got this opportunity to debut under SM Entertainment, he knew that this should be the moment from him to success. 

 

Back then, when they were still at school, EXO just a bunch of troublemaker students that every teacher despise. They play a lot, ruling the school on their own, they enjoyed their freedom lifestyle. But now for this more than 6 months period, they suddenly need to learn to be very discipline trainee with a strict rules and regulations to follow. 

 

It just something that he have to do for the sake of his future. Well, we will never change our life until we step out of our comfort zone and sometimes change begins at the end of our comfort zone. And then few years later from now we will realized that our sacrifices is actually very helpful for ourself. We just need throw off the bowlines and be the best out of ourselves. 

 

“Dream. Effort. Success” Baekhyun let out a sigh when he re-read their agency slogan poster in their dorm. He still think that the poster is just placed there to annoyed them. 

 

“Seriously dude the most amazing part is we still not torn apart that stupid poster until now” Sehun added. 

 

Kai get up from the couch and interrupt them, “And get scold by our manager? No thanks!” 

 

One thing that he could really grateful during these hardships is that he still with them. A group of best friend that he had known for years and those who still stay with each other through thick and thin. Sehun really amazed how they still stick up with the same person, even when they had go through everything together. 

 

When stress and pressure is put on the line, they couldn’t help but to be very emotional. Surprisingly they didn’t pick a fight among them. Sometimes the whole squad get scold just because of one particular person made a mistake but they didn’t mind to get punishment together. Just like when everyone was forced to run around the building while singing a high note song just because Baekhyun was late to the practice. 

 

Maybe this is what they called; a family. They will help each other at the worst and cheers them at their best. Or maybe do a little something that was absolutely forbidden as a trainee. One of them could be having a mid night snack. For Chanyeol, it is a big issue for him. It was 1am when he started to rant on everyone, “Guys seriously I’m starving” 

 

“You will be dead if get caught by the manager if you are eating at this hour” Suho remind him. 

 

Kyungsoo then said, “Can we just give him a biscuit or anything? I feel sorry for him” Not to exaggerating but Chanyeol really look like he will be died for being too hungry. 

 

“Take this and get rid the plastic outside so that you won’t get busted” Sehun give him a packet of chocolate pie. “Hwayoung packed it for me the other day. I secretly keep it from our manager for ‘emergency’ case. Well, I guess this could be one of it” 

 

Being a trainee means that they have to forget all those midnight ramen session, sweets and delicious oily street food but to keep their body fit and healthy. It could be worse for a girl trainee but them boys didn’t even missed the torture. They had to go to the gym and control their food because the management closely monitored for their height, weight and figure. 

 

They have to be the prettiest, having the most appealing looks to be the artist. Some company even ask their trainee to get a beauty surgery as to be the ‘ideal’ look as and idol. We couldn’t fully blame on them because the reality is, this is all matter in this entertainment industry, regardless how talented the person is. Luckily that any of EXO members had to that— they are just too handsome to be truth. That’s a fact. 

 

“I swear that she’s so like a angel. A savior of my life!” It seems that Chanyeol really gained back his energy from the chocolate. 

 

“You are being a dramatic princess over here. But yeah, Hwayoung will always be our savior” Baekhyun didn’t hesitate to agree on that. 

 

Upon hearing that, Sehun just nodded and smile again looking at her photo in his gallery. He can't see her right now but he can just picture how she is. He see her smooth long hair and the way it falls on her shoulders, the way she flashed her smile and how she look right before she laugh. He just wish that he could to be next to his girlfriend right now.

 

Kai on his automatically mood to , “Aww look at his wide grinned! You must be missing her so bad right?”

 

“More than you could imagine” His simple but powerful answer.

 

+++

 

To anybody in a long distance relationship, it is the worst thing ever. It is so painful that makes Hwayoung dread looking at random girls and their boyfriend. So painful that she want to run away every time she saw another couple walking with their hands entwined. 

 

Every time she would have a break down, choking on her own tears wishing her other half was there to hold her close and wipe the pain away. She tried her best to shrugged it off, but she realized how much the pain of staying away from him is affecting her day by day. 

 

It is difficult and so frustrating, sitting on the floor of her studio apartment alone, staring at her phone blank screen. Silently without any notification. It makes her cry again to think that he won’t be there to tell her some silly jokes or his soothing hug that never fail to make her feel better.

 

“I wish you are here Sehun” She said. 

 

But the reality is, he wasn’t there. Not that night, not when she need him, not there when she having a mental breakdown from missing him so much. Few months has passed with not able to meet her boyfriend, with a rare moments that she able to FaceTime him in between his busy training, it never be easy. 

 

Hwayoung have learned that waiting is the most difficult thing to do but she want to get used to the feeling, knowing that he will be with her, even when he is not by her side. It will be selfish if she wanted all his time, when she knew that he is out there working so hard to fulfill his dreams. 

 

He has his own interesting life and Hwayoung can’t force him to miss her as much as she miss him. But this is not something that she can control. Not be able to eat or sleep without her heart thumping so loud. That slowly killing her. She start to think, is she the toxic one in their relationship? 

 

All she want is to reach out and grab his hand and hold it to her, right over her heart, right where it aches the most. She don't know if doing that would heal or make her heart break entirely but either way this constant hungry waiting would be over.

 

“I miss you so much” Again that night, she cried while holding his photo frame.

 

At some days she will be just fine, knowing that they will meet again someday. But during she had emotional breakdown like this, it just gives her so much of pain, that lie on her bed holding onto that one t-shirt that Sehun left behind for his girlfriend, crying so much that her vision gets blurred due to all the tears and she start wondering if this is worth it. 

 

Couldn’t hold any longer, she quickly grab her phone on the nightstand. She need to send messages to her love with the hope that it will calming her. 

 

To: Boyfriend 

Hi Sehun. 

 

To: Baby Girl

Hi baby. 

 

To: Baby Girl

How are you?

 

To: Boyfriend 

I’m fine.

 

He knew it. They have been together for some times that she would detect that she was lying. His girlfriend wouldn’t just text him to say hi. At least not with this short messages, when she will usually rant out her college problems to him. Hwayoung was being extra sensitive after he move to the dorm, which made him being extra careful to not hurt her feelings in any way. 

 

To: Baby Girl

Are you sure?

 

To: Boyfriend 

Yeah I said I’m fine. 

 

To: Baby Girl

Tell me the truth Min Hwayoung. You are not okay. Am I right? 

 

To: Baby Girl

Baby?

 

While Sehun pressure her with something that he wasn’t not even wrong about, her tears keep coming out just like that. The fact that her boyfriend could sense that she wasn’t in a good state make her feel worst. That everything is so real.

 

The thing is, we girls will always tell lies. One moment we said that we are okay but the truth is we are not. Like when your boyfriend ask if we get mad to them, we will just say that nothing happened but deep inside we just wanted to scream out to him on how frustrated we are. 

 

It is the simple thing to live by. Always to consider that girls have tendency to say something that are contrary to real meaning. When we said we are not hungry; it means that we are starving. When we said that we are not mad; something really has pissed us. When we said we okay— bare in mind that we are absolutely not okay.

 

To: Boyfriend 

Yes I’m not okay! 

 

To: Boyfriend 

I miss you so bad that I think that it could kill me! 

 

To: Baby Girl

Babe...

 

To: Boyfriend 

I’m just kinda emotional tonight. I will go to sleep. Good night. I love you. 

 

Hwayoung wanted to slap her face so bad. That she was crying again when she already promised him that she wouldn’t be a cry baby anymore. But she cry because she just miss her boyfriend too strongly. This kind of sentimentalism once in a while is fine, but its so regular that it actually weaken her mind by developing such strong attachment. 

 

Trembling. Breathless. Weak. This isn't how she pictured it. She was having a long day in college and it was exhausting. It's supposed to be easy for her just to sleep. Comparable to how much energy she had spent crying. This is hard. She doesn't want to feel this madness. The chaos in her chest in the middle of the night.

 

+++

 

Call it PMS symptoms or mood-swing, it  just one of the night that she not able to sleep. In the midst of cold night breeze, Hwayoung was there, sitting on the child swing, hands in pocket to keep her warm while having her thoughts every where. The playground was so quiet at that hour without any visitor, making she the only person that crazy enough to be alone in the dark especially during that hour. 

 

She felt better after texting him. At least when she able to tell him that she just missed him so much. It seems like she finally able to let go part of the pain in her heart, even without able to see him in person. He must be busy again with his training in the studio that he didn’t reply to her last message.

 

“At least reply to me and say that you love me back....” 

 

Hwayoung let out a heavy sigh. But then suddenly there’s a voice behind her. 

 

“I’m sorry that I didn’t reply to you. I was rushing to go to your apartment. Turned out that my girlfriend is all alone here”

 

She was surprised. “Sehun?!”

 

“So you are going to sleep while being upset? You think that I will allow that? You are funny Hwayoung” 

 

“What? You are not going to jump into my arms anymore?” He added.

 

He as he she still standing on the same spot, speechless and shocked that he came. Without waiting any longer, she fastened her steps to get closer with him. Sehun don’t have to tell twice for his girlfriend to wrap her arms into him immediately after that. This is a hug that they both missed most, being so comfortable with each other embrace. 

 

Sehun was surprised that she didn’t cry but just to bury her tiny face into his chest.  She wanted to show him that she was strong but her eyes betray her. He can tell that this could be one of the night that where she nerd him. As he caresses her fluffy cheeks and look into her eyes, he knew that he didn’t made a wrong decision to run away from his dorm just to meet her. 

 

Hwayoung hold him so tight as if she wouldn’t let him go. Her smells, her warmth, is all he need right now. It feels like home. Sehun aware that the love of his life has spent a lot of time crying because of him all this while. Hwayoung probably didn’t know this but actually he was suffering too, for being apart with someone that he love the most. 

 

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be with you all the times but please take care of yourself” He said while rubbing her hands with him to keep her warm. 

 

“Huh?” She asked cluelessly while watching her boyfriend slipped his oversized hoodie into her tiny body. 

 

He stole a kiss on her lips and continue his nagging. “With you like this all alone at the playground during this hour...please don’t do this next time”

 

“I’m sorry I just wanted to clear my mind. Did I worry you Sehun?” Her eyes fixed on him, making his heart clenched at her affectionate gaze. 

 

“You had no idea how much I worried about you every minute, every day. Every day I wonder if you are able to walk properly without falling or bumping into a lamp pole, or are you safe without hurting anywhere. When I wasn’t there to protect you...all I could do is to pray that you will safe” 

 

Hwayoung was softened at his speech. She now know that Sehun was thinking about her all this time, always. “Don’t worry I will take care of myself....for you”

 

“I don’t believe you little bratty princess” As he pinched her nose playfully. “Come on, I have to make sure you get home safely” 

 

“No!” She whined. “I want to play this for a while.....please Sehun”

 

For Sehun, there are so many reasons there to love his girlfriend. Her cute smile, her sweet laugh, her innocence and the most important thing is her kind heart that makes him love her. He knew that almost all girls need to feel their importance for her boyfriend and to know how much that he love her. 

 

But with his super pack training schedule and unsure future that he hold, he can barely do that. Sehun couldn’t be with her all the time, be there to tell her that she have the most prettiest smile on her face or be there to tell her everything is going to okay when she having a bad day— he is far from being a perfect boyfriend. 

 

Sehun want to be the boyfriend that she fall hopelessly in love with. The one she take into her arms every night when she went to bed. He want to be that kind of boyfriend, that kind of guy that every girlfriend dreamed. The one who will memorize the things his girlfriend say as well as the shape of your lips when she tell them.

 

And suddenly her voice wake him up from his inner thoughts, “It will be perfect if.....” 

 

“If....?” He asked curiously. 

 

“I don’t know....like I saw in movies normally at this scene...the guy will just sing for his girl.....and they will dance under the moonlight...”

 

He stop swinging her and titled his head for a moment. “You want me to sing for you?” Sehun tone was so calm that she surprise that he didn’t whine with her sudden request. 

 

“I’m not going to force you if you don’t feel like doing it Sehun” She smile. No sarcasm in her words, she really meant it. Really, Hwayoung just don’t really like to force him to do this kind of things. He knew that Sehun isn’t that romantic type of boyfriend. That’s why she shocked when he suddenly start humming to a song and continue to sing it. 

 

“Get up” He said and pull her to stand on her feet. Slowly he her cheeks and slide both of her hand into his waist. She hug him so tight that there barely a space between them. Sehun then place her head to rest on his shoulder, she didn’t wait for any longer to bury her face into Sehun chest. 

 

Slowly...he move their bodies together swinging side to side. 

 

“Ed Sheran?!!!” 

 

Sehun just glares her to keep shut and continue to sing one of her favorite song with so much emotion in his voice. 

 

And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70

And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23

And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe just the touch of a hand

Oh me I fall in love with you every single day

And I just wanna tell you I am

 

If this some sort of dream, no....a beautiful dream that make her feel like heaven, she really hope that she will never wake up from this dream. 

 

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades

And the crowds don't remember my name

When my hands don't play the strings the same way, mm

I know you will still love me the same

 

Even when they both don’t know the future of their relationship, if she still be able to hold him and call him her love. 

 

I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe it's all part of a plan

I'll just keep on making the same mistakes

Hoping that you'll understand

 

When his heart is too full to speak and longing for that precious feeling is too great to utter, Sehun knew that he can let his deepest thoughts be heard through a song. Being a rapper for his upcoming group, he aware that he wasn’t a great singer, his voice is just average compare to Baekhyun or Kyungsoo but he didn’t mind to sing for his special person. 

 

That’s because he knew that she wouldn’t judge her for his talent but to feel it through the sincerity. Whispering the magical words into her ears may make not only bring happiness to her but to feel overwhelmed at same time. Having Hwayoung in his life is totally a great blessing that he would never trade for.

 

Just when he still enjoying piggyback his girlfriend to her apartment, his phone ringing. She quickly jumped off from him. “It’s okay Sehun, you should pick it up”

 

“Where the hell you are Oh Sehun!” He clearly heard that Suho was yelling on the other line. His leader wouldn’t just simply get mad to him without any solid reason. 

 

He knew that it’s not a good sign. 

 

Stuttering, he replied. “I’m at outside....with Hwayoung” 

 

“Just get your here in 15 minutes before our manager come back!” He said furiously. Truthfully, it is Sehun fault for sneaking from the dorm at this hour. 

 

“Sehun.....you know that we are not supposed to have a.....” Suho sigh again on the line. “Please just remember the rules that we have to follow” 

 

That rules. That damn rules. 

 

 

 

 

 

A/N: Helllllooooo I’m back. 

 

Sorry that I haven’t post anything for a month. I just got a job and tbh, adulting process is just so hard that I cried during my second week of work :(

 

I have to admit that I lost inspiration for a moment when my 5 years boyfriend (well ex I mean) told me that he fall in love back with his first love. My heart was so broken I swear. I don’t how to move on but then I come across to this quote; 

 

‘Good things will come to a good people’ 

 

I believe that life is rollercoaster and we will go ‘up’ again someday.