I never thought that waking up would be so hard before. I never thought that it would be so painful. However, entering back into the real world was a chore more than welcoming. Everything hurt, especially my stomach. My arms went there immediately. I could feel the stitches. It still took me a while to realize where I was and what happened.

I looked around to find that Junsu and Yoochun were asleep in the chairs. It was just as painful to move. Every part of me. I wanted to know what had happened. I wanted to know where my baby was.

"Jaejoong? You're awake?"

Junsu seemed relieved even as he rubbed his tired eyes. I held out my hands to him which he quickly took. I was desperate.

"Junsu...what happened? Where is my baby?"

Junsu's eyes were sad and they even avoided meeting mine. I shook my head. I didn't understand what this meant.

"Jaejoong hyung...you were, you were in a coma for a week. You almost didn't make it."

I stayed silent, gently letting go of Junsu's hand. I guess I hadn't realized how weak I had been. How weak this pregnancy had pushed me to be. I turned back to Junsu quickly.

"Where is my baby? Junsu?"

He shook his head at me, the tears falling instantly. I knew I was crying too, but I was still waiting for an answer. I needed to know where my precious baby was. The baby I had decided to protect. Where was he?

"I...I'm sorry, Jaejoong."

I shook my head at him, grabbing him. I wouldn't accept an answer like this. I wanted my child.

"Junsu, where is he?!?"

It hurt, but I had no other choice. I was crazy with the thought that I hadn't been strong enough for my own child. I had failed everybody. I hadn't done anything right. Who was I?

"There were complications, hyung! The baby...the baby..."

His voice faltered and then eventually faded completely. I cried as I held onto him. It couldn't be true. I screamed from all the pain. The frustration. The sadness. The fear. Everything was overwhelming.

"The baby...he couldn't make it."

Junsu finally manaaged to sob the words. I shook my head. I screamed again. How could I have let down my own child? I kept screaming, driving my heart even further. Soon monitors were going off, but I managed to scream over top of them.

"Jaejoong! Please...please! We are still here! We are here!"

Junsu held onto me as doctors and nurses came into the room. I screamed and cried as I was given a drug. A drug that would calm me until I fell asleep. It was to help deal with a pain that couldn't be dealt with.

No matter how much time passed. All I thought about was my lost child. The child that I had unwillingly given up on and the child that I had given everything else up on. I was alone and I had nothing. It wasn't hard for the media, the news...paparazzi. They found us, but they were barely held outside of the room. It was annoying more to Junsu and Yoochun.

The reason for being in the hospital was cleanly covered up. Supposedly, I had a disease. I was sick. I guess that was true now. I was depressed. I was angry and sad. For days on end I screamed. It was the only way I knew how to deal with this pain. The pain that would break any mother's heart. The loss of a child would never be easy to handle. I couldn't handle it. I'd rather have died with the child than deal with the death. Crying was my only other option...which became a habit after I lost my voice from the screaming.

I stayed in the hospital another weak. I couldn't speak a word with the loss of my voice...and I wasn't willing to. I didn't deserve happiness. Not any more...and not after all that I had done. Everything was meaningless. Everything I had done to protect my baby...it had been for nothing.

When I left the hospital, it was rough getting through the media that crowded outside. Junsu and Yoochun did all the work. They made sure I got home and they tried to do their best for me, but I was far beyond broken. I had no appetite. I had no feelings. The only thing I thought of was the baby that I had killed. I felt so sorry to it. I was sure that it wished it had had a different mother. It would still be alive if it hadn't been for me. If I hadn't been so stupid or looked beyond every possibility...things wouldn't have turned out that way. Instead I was punishing myself now.

"Jaejoong. Please eat something! Please!"

Junsu placed a bowl in front of me. The only thing I could do while at home was sleep, but even that was hard. I mostly sat awake, either crying or thinking. It didn't help the healing process at all.

Even after two months, I couldn't speak. I didn't even try to communicate. The only thing that had mattered to me had been my baby.

"Jaejoong! Enough! I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore. We are going home. You are going to a doctor!"

Yoochun decided, and his words seemed final. Or at least I couldn't argue. I wasn't willing to open my mouth...at least not when I was hurting so deep inside.

We went back to Korea. The plane ride was tough. I knew I would have to face the things that I had hid from in almost a year. Nothing and no one would be easy. My first test was at the airport. DBSK...the words. The group. It had been carried on between Yunho and Changmin. I was so thankful to still hear the words, but even they couldn't heal what had been broken.

It was tough. To stare into the eyes that I had loved. The way he looked at me. Betrayal. Anger. Sadness. His eyes were filled with them. I couldn't blame him either. I had never been able to tell him. I had never gathered my courage enough to tell him that I had his baby growing inside me. It was too late now. I would never be ready or be willing to tell him those words.

I went to my mother's house. My sisters worried over me even as I limply laid around. I had no life in me anymore. Everything had been taken. Everything was foreign to me.

Junsu and Yoochun visited me often. They liked to inform me about what they were up to. If it were solo activities or the music they were creating...they told me everything. I was proud of them. They were making it. They could live a happier life after I had ruined them.

Day after day was the same. The same thoughts. The same sadness. The same fear. I couldn't change. Nothing allowed me to forget what I had done and what I had caused. Rather, it was just a pain. It was a pain to live.

In this world, why didn't a person like me die instead of an innocent baby?

Why couldn't I be the one to forfit my life for another?

Instead I had taken a life. I had killed a life for my own selfish reasons. I had wanted to continue the love Yunho and I had started...but in the end the only thing I had done was destroy it.

To have nothing.

To want nothing.

That kind of person didn't deserve to live.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Sorry this chapter is sooo sad =(

Please don't hate me! I didn't want to do it!

It hurt me tooo T.T