I thought it would be best. The best decision was to leave. I had never been very smart...probably why I could never subject myself to be a leader. However, I never thought things would end up like this.

The beginning was the easiest. I was starved and sleep deprived, but I was happy. Meeting Yunho, Yoochun, Junsu and Changmin. They made me the happiest. Even loving Yunho from a distance, watching him when he wasn't looking...I was happy. Schedules were tough and I could feel the jealousy boil when Yunho went out. It was quite obvious he went out to drink. He went out to drink with girls. It was a silly thing...feeling jealous, especially after our first night together.

He had come home drunk. I wanted to help him...make sure he wouldn't get sick, the things I usually did when he came home drunk. I worried about him. However, that night he hadn't been that drunk. He embarrassed me.

He tore the clothes off my body, and all I could do was just stand there. Everything he did...I couldn't stop him. To be honest, I hadn't wanted him to stop. I wanted him to love me the same way I loved him.

Fortunately, he managed to tell me he loved me that night. He even went as far as to apologize the next morning. I guess that is where our love started. I didn't dare take my eyes off of him. I loved him too much. He took care of me too. He cared about me...I knew he did. He wasn't playing around, and neither was I. We were in love.

It must have been obvious too. Yoochun was always pushing us. He had been the one to find out first. He was our biggest shipper...our fanboy. Sometimes I was really greatful to him; Because of him I got to feel a lot of love from Yunho...we also gained a lot of screaming fangirls and shippers. We became YunJae...the One True Couple. I liked the sound of it...even if it was somewhat embarrassing. However, there was one problem. We couldn't let our managers know the truth. We weren't sure what the consequences would be and we were happy with keeping our relationship pretty hush hush.

Three years. It was surprising we made it three years. To go that far with him. It was like heaven. We spent a lot of nights together, but more than that we enjoyed making music together. We enjoyed being with the other members like that. We loved it...and there was nothing that we would change.

Or at least that's what I had thought.

One day I got extremely sick. So sick that Yunho begged me to go to the hospital instead of our schedule. I felt completely upset. I hated to let down all my fans. It had been so hard at the beginning to get any at all. I just wanted to make them all happy. However, I knew I couldn't perform when I was either puking or feeling like I was going to puke. Everything I ate...I threw back up. I couldn't stand smells. I felt dirty all the time and had a constant need of cleaning. My body was changing.

I went to the hospital. I spent hour upon hour waiting for results. It was hard. Not one member could be there to support me or cheer me on as I waited. Instead I had a manager. A manager who was rather upset that he had to be at the hospital with me rather than a schedule. I hated him. I hated the way he had treated us...and the way he treated me. He wasn't a manager at all. He just worried about how much he was going to get paid.

It seemed too long before a doctor finally stepped in. I nervously waited the results...hoping that it was just a regular stomach flu. I was shocked to hear that it wasn't.

"Kim JaeJoong. You're pregnant."

I don't know if it was possible, but it felt as if my heart was beating fast and yet it had stopped at the same time. I just stared at nothing as my manager confronted the doctor. How was this possible? How could this happen?

I wondered a lot about how a man could get pregnant. I never thought it was possible. I thought Yunho and I never had anything to worry about. I was sadly mistaken. Every decision we made or he made or I made...it effected us. In the long run...everything effected us.

"Abort it Jaejoong. Abort it."

My manager grabbed me. He wasn't pleading or begging. Rather he was forcing me. He pulled me out of the hospital before we even had an official 'OK' to leave. He pushed me into the van and drove me to what looked like a shabby vicinity.

I thought a lot about if it was ok to abort a baby. It wasn't my belief to kill a life...especially one that I had created. However, I wondered what would happen. What would happen if Yunho found out? Would he be happy that I gave up our baby...the life we created? It was such a miracle, I wondered if anyone could be happy about it. I wondered if he would hate me if I aborted it. If I let our child die before he had a chance.

I sat on the table thinking about Yunho...about what he would say and about what he would do. I didn't want to hurt Yunho. The best way to do that was to at least talk to him about it. I left the table, forgetting about everything else. I would do everything it took to protect this baby. To protect my baby.

I ran away. I left the manager at this abortion center and went my own way. I walked home even though I felt weak and sick.

I was met at the door by the manager. He grabbed me and hit me, cursing and yelling as he did. Yunho was there though. He was there protecting me.

"What is this about? What has happened? Why are you hurting him?"

Yunho didn't understand anything. He hadn't been told anything.

That night I couldn't sleep at all even though I laid in his arms. I wondered if he could accept this baby? What if it ruined him? What if it ruined his career? Could I willingly do that?

I thought about all the options. About everything. There was so much running through my mind that I couldn't get a rest. I finally decided that I have to leave. I couldn't hurt Yunho...at least not by killing his baby and definitely not by giving up his own career. I had to leave. I had to protect our baby. I was going to run. I knew it was the most courageous thing to do...but I had no other choice. I just had to run.

I moved silently...packing my possessions and then sneaking downstairs. Except my plan hadn't fully worked. Why Junsu and Micky had been downstairs at that time, I had no clue. But they questioned me. They questioned me non-stop until the truth spilled from my lips. At first they stared at me, not believing a single word. However, as my tears fell I think they started to believe. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go and suffer my own fate alone. However, they refused. They refused to let me go by myself. I wondered why they decided to give up their careers. I wondered why I let them do it so easily. It was my fault.

I had ruined their chances at continuing their happiness. Or at least the happiness that we had felt back then. Instead, they chose to suffer with me. I should have made them stay. They would have been happier. They could have forgotten about me and gotten a new member. I wouldn't have hated them for it. I would be happy if they could move on. However, it was Junsu's words. Junsu's words made me unable to do anything about their decision.

"Hyung, we can only be DBSK if we are together. One day we will let Yunho and Changmin understand, but now you need us."

I cried at the words. Those words had so much meaning in them for the three of us. I let them take me away from the people and the house that we loved so much. Instead we lived in Japan for a long time. We stayed on the Down Low...we didn't want to be caught easily, but we still wanted to see the other two members. Any news of them was better than nothing...even if most of it was bad.

The only thing that kept me going was the constant reminder that:

"We will be back together again. They will understand us."