a/n I wasn't going to include this song, but it's just so fitting. I promise it's all uphill from here. Blame seventeen for writing such sad songs. 3 more to do and then it will be over. I promise a happy ending. :) Thanks for sticking with me.

“Elena stop,” Sav's voice from behind me.

The outdoor hospital courtyard is cast in a beautiful purple and yellow sunset.

How can that be?

Don’t the flowers and the trees and the doctors and the happy children pushing their grandparents around in wheelchairs know that the world just ended?

“Elena,” she grabbed my wrist.

“Sav, leave me alone,” I tried to wrench my hand away.

“Absolutely not. Not this time,” she turned me to face her.

Sav. So strong. Facing every challenge in her life with a brave face and coming out better for it. My hero.

“I’m not letting you run this time,” she took both my wrists.

“I’m not running anywhere,” I whispered.

Just let me be.

Go somewhere alone and sleep.

“Listen to me Elena,” she grabbed my face and forced me to look up at her.

“I’ve known you for over 20 years. I know you inside and out. I know that you deal with your problems by running from them. And I’m tired of that,” she said glaring. Her mascara had run down her face in light streaks. Almost gone now.

I have no response. 

My heart is empty.

“I’m tired of watching you run away from people who want to help you. From people who care about you,” she looked at the sky from holding in tears.

“I don’t do that—“

“Then what the f- are you doing right now?” 

“I’m just—“

What am I doing. 

Where was I planning on going.

Maybe she’s right.

I did run away from Joshua when he kissed me that first time.

I ran all the way to America when I felt too involved.

I ran away from Vernon when he kind of confessed. Was that just yesterday?

And I ran away—

“That’s not true Sav. One time I didn’t run,” I wrenched my wrists out of her hands, leaving her standing there. “One time I did speak my mind and…it ruined everything.”

Laughs from across the courtyard.

Don’t they know what’s going on here?

She continued to glare at me. “But then what did you do after that Elena?”

After what—she didn’t have to say.

“I—“

I ran home.

I got in a taxi and I ran to Sam’s apartment and I slept outside his door.

Sam.

I can’t breathe.

I’m going to puke.

“Elena,” her voice softened. The sun reflected off her brilliant dark eyes, making her look angelic. Full of light. Like I know she is. “Do you know what happened seconds after you ran out the door?”

No. How could I.

“I felt so guilty Elena,” she pulled back her hair. “It was the cruelest thing I’ve ever done. It was horrible to not only you, but Vernon and Wonwoo as well. And I immediately regretted it.”

She looked at her sparkly silver flats, shuffling around the courtyard bricks. 

“I’ve spent the past weeks doing everything I could to mend those relationships. And for the most part I had. Except you,” she bit her lip. 

“I didn’t want to see you. I didn’t care, that’s what I told everyone,” she sighed still shuffling her feet.

“But deep down, I didn’t believe it. And I didn’t know how to fix it because you weren’t answering your phone. And you refused to come visit with Sam. And sometimes I’d stop by Emmaline’s room, just to see if you were there, but it just so happened that you’d always left.”

Oh my god.

“I’m so sorry Ellie,” she sighed biting her lip.

Sav is sorry to me?

How can that be.

I’m the one that hurt her.

“Sav—I didn’t know,” there’s no tears left to come. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Ever.”

“I know.”

Color returned to my thoughts. Streaks of happiness had interrupted the gray over the past few weeks, but they were just that. Intermittent moments. 

“I missed you so much Sav.”

She came forward and hugged me. 

A color explosion. I can feel again. Feel more than just regret or guilt or depression. Despite everything in this moment, I can feel again.

“Don’t run anymore,” she said into my hair. “Not without me.”

I cried into her warm shoulder.

“Ok.”

The sun set.

The boys needed to know.

But how.

With a comeback around the corner, the distraction was cruel.

But this type of thing never comes at the right time does it.

To do it individually, since each of them had a special relationship with Sam?
Or do it in one go, like a band aid ripping?

Back in the hospital wing, Sam’s phone started ringing in my empty chair.

Sav and Hampton looked at me.

Why me.

I haven’t seen most of them in weeks.

Hampton nodded to it with his head.

Sav pled with her eyes. Don’t run. Do this.

It’s Seungcheol.

“Hey,” I answered quietly, walking into the courtyard.

“Ellie?” a surprised Seungcheol said.

“Yeah,” I teared and looked up at the sky. Clear tonight, the north star visible.

“It’s good to hear from you!”

“Yeah…” 

I sat down on a bench and took a deep breath.

I can do this.

“So…are you with Sam?”

Sam.

Pain.

I can’t answer.

Hampton and Sav joined me on the bench.

I have to.

“Kind of,” I whispered.

“What?”
“No, no I’m not.” I blinked the tears away. “There’s something we have to talk about. Where are you guys?”

“Um…” he hesitated, “we’re at Vernon’s apartment…”

“Ok, so, can Sav Hampton and I come over?”

“Now?”

“Yeah”

“Sam too?’

Pain.

“We’ll see you soon”

The three of us aren’t doctors. We weren’t trained in bedside manner. This was an insurmountable task. We shouldn’t have to do this. This shouldn’t have happened. But it did.

Sitting in their living room, all 13 gathered around the coffee table, memories of a talent contest and eating kimchi stew and video games and sleeping on the floor, piled high, it was nearly impossible to keep composed. But somehow we did it.

With Sav and Hampton on either side of me, I told them what had happened. And not only to Sam, but to their ex-anti Kimmy.

The silence was louder than morning traffic. A physical burden that weighed down the small room. Like gravity’s strength increased by 10, and all of our hearts simultaneously plummeted.

I don’t want to cry. Again. But how could I not.

In the moments that followed, everyone dealt with their individual grief.

Sav slid down the couch next to Wonwoo and put her head on his shoulder. She cried again. Silently. Living it again. As if the last 24 hours hadn’t been enough.

Mingyu, leaning against the wall between the living room and kitchen, wiped his tears with oven mitts as dinner boiled on the stove.

Joshua had buried himself into Jeonghan’s shoulder and Jeonghan was looking at me, with the softest and most sincere look of sympathy I’ve ever seen. 

Woozi, staring straight ahead, eyes blurry, took a pencil and paper out of his pocket and began to write something. Hoshi leaned on Woozi’s shoulder and stared up at the ceiling fan, blinking with every rotation, trying to dry his tears before they slid off his face.

Seungkwan got off the floor and joined Hampton on the couch. He held Hampton’s hand and rubbed his back as Hampton released more silent tears himself.

Jun, Minghao, and DK sat against the wall, shoulder to shoulder, lost in their memories.

Chan’s tears were dripping. Seungcheol crossed the room, grabbed Chan’s hand, and led him to the bedroom, where he could grieve in peace. The door closed softly behind them.

A hand on my shoulder. The faint scent of strawberries.

I closed my eyes and overrode the temptation to cross the room. 

I turned into his chest because Sav is right. I didn’t have to do this alone.

Let myself be loved.

Let myself be cared for.

Let everyone find their resting place.

And let me find mine.

The funeral was simple.

Kimmy’s parents and little brother flew out from America. They spent a few days arranging everything. Since Sam had no one, they paid for his too. 

I found Kimmy’s camera in the closet.

Hampton came over and helped me click through them.

So many pictures of Mingyu. Performing in shows. Walking around town.

Maybe I’ll send them to Esther. She’d like that.

And more than a couple of Sam too. Somehow she’d found him in the curtains on Show Champion day. Going in and out of Vernon’s apartment. And others.

When I told the boys why Kimmy did what she did, they forgave her completely. Kimmy lost her identity as @oncetwice17times and was referred to her just as Sam’s girlfriend. And anyone who Sam loved, they loved.

We didn’t hold a big ceremony. Kimmy’s parents had to return to America for work. They seemed sad, but apparently not sad enough to stay around for a long time. Perhaps they just grieve differently. 

Instead, Seoul came together and grieved for all those who had died. A temporary shrine was erected outside the palace in the middle of the city, in the form of a wall. Family and friends of those who died filled the wall with pictures and notes. Minghao printed out all of the photobombed pictures and pinned them to the wall. Seventeen all wrote out personal notes to Sam. While still relatively unknown in the larger community, those into Kpop knew of Seventeen and were curious to see how these foreigners had contacted them. Their fans, Carats they called them, loved anyone Seventeen loved. So it wasn’t long before their little section of the wall was the most crowded. Hundreds of notes from fans thanking Sam and Kimmy for whatever they did that made Seventeen love them so much. Little did they know that Kimmy was actually @oncetwice17times. But it didn’t matter. 

Wonwoo knew of a beautiful western style cemetery in the country, near his home, and on a  perfect clear day, we crowded around two graves. The weeks by this time had passed the point of tears. And in a way, the ceremony  was beautiful too. While they would never be forgotten, the entire month was a dedication to their lives that most people on the earth don’t receive. 

We settled into another routine. While the boys worked hard on their next album, Hampton, Sav and I spent the time we had lost with each other. 

Sav told me all about Wonwoo.

How he had taken her to his home. How they walked around the country. How he always bought her dinner and introduced her to his parents and helped him with his lines. How he tucked cherry blossoms behind her ear and would steal her phone when she was distracted and write long notes that she’d find days later. How his phone background always seemed to be a different picture of them. Ones that he’d take when she wasn’t ready so her eyes were half closed or she had a double chin, but he thought they were the cutest things. How he got really sick and how for two weeks she sat with him in the hospital reading his favorite book to him. How he still hadn’t kissed her, after all these weeks and yet, yes, she thought she might be in love with him.

Hampton told me about Seungkwan. How the connection started the night they met. How they stole secret dates between shows and practice. How Seungkwan loved the movies most, as cliche as that is. How one weekend they bought last minute plane tickets to Jeju. Seungkwan introduced Hampton as his boyfriend, and his mother took him in with open arms, immediately making the most delicious food he’d ever eaten. How he’d kissed him on the beach and thereby sympathized with Sav and Xing. However the beach still is very unsanitary, in his opinion.

And I told them about Joshua and Vernon. About everything. Things that I hadn’t even told Sam and Kimmy. About feelings and thoughts. Hampton said that Seungkwan had told him about Joshua and Jeonghan’s predebut feelings. How he had a strong suspicion, and it drove him crazy. 

We met up about once a week at Vernon’s apartment. 

With everything going on, I never brought up Vernon’s kind-of confession again. I’m still not ready for that. I just let him tuck my hair behind my ears and hold my waist in the kitchen. So it became normal and right.

Joshua and I always exchanged smiles. While I didn’t know him for very long, he seemed brighter than the entire time I did know him. The confusion in his eyes was gone, replaced with a knowledge of correctness and gratitude.

A beautiful September day, I decided to visit their graves. It had been months, and they deserved updates on everyone.

Brilliant red and oranges leaves covered the still growing grass as I placed bouquets of flowers at each.

Suddenly, warmth around my shoulders. A coat draped on either side of me. 

Who is it.

“Hey Ellie,” an unfamiliar voice said.

I got up from kneeling—it’s Jeonghan.

Oh my god.

What is he doing here.

His black short hair had matted in the wind, and his eyes were puffy.

“Hey…” I said.

Seriously what is he doing here.

“I didn’t realize…”

“I know—“ he cut me off. “You’re probably surprised.”

Well yes.

He came forward and added a large bouquet of roses to Kimmy’s grave.

What the f-.

“I knew Kimmy’s parents,” he began, choking up. “Her real parents.”

What the f.

“I never got to tell her. And they still don’t know. To this day.” he sighed.

“How—“ 

“It’s complicated,” he shook his hair, tears falling down.

What do I do.

While I don’t think he hates me anymore, it’s not like we’re friends exactly.

He put his arm around my shoulder and suddenly he his head leaned on top of mine. Tears fell from above.

“Please don’t tell anyone. Please let me figure this out on my own,” he whispered.

Oh my god.

Jeonghan.

There’s pain here.

That none of us knew about.

“Of course.”

I hugged him back. 

“Just let me know if you need help.”

He nodded.

The wind blew his hair into mine as the sun set behind the clouds.

There's a lot of pain in of all us. But we were figuring it out.