An announcement for the next plane rang through the terminal.

People shoved around to get to security.

Eyes were on me. Confusion palpable.

“Ellie!” Hoshi broke the silence and gave me a big hug, “we missed you!”

Minghao jumped in and took a selfie of us together.

“Nice to meet you Mr. Olsen,” a boy in a white button down stuck out his hand and did a little bow.

Oh my god.

“Nice to meet you too,” Dad said.

Eyes still on me. I have to do this now.

“Family, this is Seventeen. Seventeen, this is family.”

But in some ways, they’re the same. 

26 people here. All connected to me somehow. And in some cases, the only string of attachment between them. In some ways it’s nice to feel important. And in other ways it’s incredibly stressful, like if one of those strings pulled too tightly, I’d rip apart.

More arms around me.

To feel so much love by so many people. I am truly lucky.

“So…” Esther stepped forward. Her inquisitive eyes looked from one person to another. Trying to make sense in her computer brain how we all knew each other.

“Ellie can you tell us what’s going on?”

Another announcement over the loudspeakers.

“You didn’t tell them either?” Vernon said taking off his beanie and pushing his hair back in frustration.

This is too much. Lots of information I need to disseminate. 

“I’ll tell you…when we can sit down. Somewhere. It’s a long story.”

 __________

Joshua took a cart of suitcases to the van while chatting up dad. 

He’s just going to pretend I don’t exist.

That’s fine.

What he did for Emmaline deserves a place in the highest tier of heaven.

She skipped across the crosswalk between Chan and Seokmin, both trying to make sense of her rapid English. 

Her buzz cut blond head sparkled in the sun, bright almost as the sun itself.

“She looks so happy,” Sam appeared behind me. “I’ve never seen her that happy before.”

“To be honest, me neither,” we approached four black vans waiting on the sidewalk. 

Somehow word had gotten out that Seventeen was at the airport and a couple of girls waited around the vans. 

No Kimmy.

I should tell him.

“How about you though?” Sam asked.

“I’m good,” I said. “Better now.”

“Good. I was worried.” He followed me into one of the vans.

Wonwoo had ran ahead and was sitting on a back bench. He looked outside the window pensively, with a slight smile. What is he thinking about? I scooted in next to him. Sav is out there catching up with Emily. As if she knew she was being watched, she looked over her shoulder and a smile lit up her face. The sunset reflected off her gold hoop earrings as she did a little wave to Wonwoo.

I haven’t seen her smile that big, that reckless, that sincere since…before high school. Before all the crazy .

He blushed and looked at his hands.

Everyone piled into the four vans. Suddenly men in tuxedoes came and helped Emmaline into the front van like a princess. 

Where are we going?

“Wonwoo you look…happy.”

“Hm?” 

His smile scrunched up his entire face like he couldn’t contain the waves of happiness that rolled off oh him.

“Did something happen with Sav?” I nudged him.

The van pulled out. Yesterday morning I woke up in America and tonight I’m in a caravan with my family, best friends, a kind of ex-boyfriend, and a Korean boy band going who knows where. Just checking.

“Ellie,” he whispered, “I asked her on a date.”

He’s so proud of himself. 

“And????” 

He shushed me.

“We’re going to visit my family next Monday. In the country. I planned it all out,” he bit his lips. The sunset reflecting on his gold round glasses. “The weather is so nice this time of year. And the road to my neighborhood is  lined with cherry blossom trees,” he stared off in his own thoughts, “there’s a delicious restaurant across the street from my house, and we can go for a walk, I even bought new shoes!” he said pointing to scuffles white nikes. 

“Wow! That sounds so exciting!” I said mocking his happiness and looking over my shoulder at Sam, who was holding in a smile.

"I've been sleeping so much better, and I'm waking up happy, and I'm having happy dreams. Everything just feels so...nice." Wonwoo said, putting his hand over his mouth and looking out the window again. Lost in his happy thoughts.

_____________

The drivers pulled up to the Ritz Carlton—the same one Sav and Hampton were staying at. Seokmin and Chan jumped out of the front van and led Emmaline out holding her hands.

Her eyes were full of awe at the marble pillars and tall ceilings.

I caught Joshua’s eye once headed up the stairs, but he quickly looked away.

So this is how it’s going to be.

They helped us get all of our duffle bags to our giant suite. 

Turns out Joshua has more muscles than he lets on.

This is killing me.

We ordered in jjajjangmyeon, which Emmaline had always wanted to try, and some simple side dishes. I told them the story of how I met Seventeen. 

Kind of.

I left out a couple of parts.

Like how the reason Vernon found me was because I was alone at a club. Absolutely everything that had to do with Joshua. Conversations with Wonwoo and Vernon. Jeonghan’s inexplicable anger towards me. Though I think that was evident when he grabbed the plates out of my hands to pass out. As if I was incompetent of even this simple task. Joshua sat close to him, avoiding my eyes.

So basically the story was “I ran into Vernon on the subway. Mingyu makes really good kimchi soup. They’re really good dancers.”

Emily saw right through my lies but Eli was tired and it was too long of a story to share completely in one night anyway.

The boys had to leave for an early morning prerecording, but Chan had one more surprise left.

He pulled a fancy envelope from his back pocket and gave it to Emmaline with two hands and a deep bow.

How is she used her oppa being this close to her and not crying.

She’s so much stronger than me.

Inside was a think cream invitation—a special invite backstage for Emmaline and her family to Show Champion the next day.

Finally she teared up and hugged Chan one more time. Mom and Dad were touched, which led to the girls being sensitive. And suddenly I was hugging my whole family with Emmaline and Chan in the middle and I’d never felt so included, even though there were so many people left out.

But I wasn’t going to let Joshua leave without acknowledging my existence.

As each of them searched for their shoes in the entryway I grabbed him by the hoodie and forced him to look at me.

A new look in his eyes. 

Like when you blow on a baby’s face and they blink quickly. Confused about what just happened.

Surprise. 

And a little bit of fear.

Oh my god.

I never meant to hurt him.

“Hey,” I let him go.

“Hey,” he looked at the ground.

Seungkwan yelled and threw a shoe at Seokmin’s face. Seokmin jumped back, knocking into Joshua, who caught the back of my head just before it slammed into the wall. He put his arms on either side of my face.

His breath smelled like the sweet white radishes that came with dinner.

He blushed and stepped back.

My heart isn’t racing. 

It straight up stopped.

Why is he acting so confused. I should apologize. I don’t even know for what. For not being completely truthful? For not giving him a chance for a long drawn goodbye that would only end in tears and further conflict?

Another shoe hit Joshua in the head, and he pushed off the wall.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he mumbled and rushed out the door.

_______________

It was weird being back here again. 

Before I had been focused on Joshua, letting the others take care of themselves. But with mom and dad knowing zero Korean, and the little boys being…little boys…my mind was trying to be in 26 places at once and failing miserably.

“Don’t worry Converse. Everyone is having a great time,” Vernon came over. It’s an innocent boy concept today. Dressed in an oversize blue and pink t-shirt and a pink cap.

“Nice outfit,” I said.

His hair is all over the place. How did the coordi noona miss this.

I stood on my tip toes, took off his cap, and fluffed his hair with my fingers. It’s still so soft. I want to always do this. I need to find more excuses to do this.

Stop. Why do you think these things.

“What are you doing,” a lady grabbed my wrists and pushed me away.

He went to my defense. 

“It’s fine, it’s just show business,” I laughed.

Wonwoo was standing by Sav while she talked to Sam. Just standing there. Faintly smiling. As if he was the eye candy brought to a wedding as her date. Like he knew he was supposed to be there, and didn’t need to be told.

Joshua was off to the side talking to Jeonghan. Wearing a blue flannel and brown fringe, he could pass as any cute kid you see in the hallway.

He looked over his shoulder, left and right, until he found me, as busy coordinators and members rushed through the space between us. 

He just smiled slightly. 

What am I kidding. He could never pass as a cute kid you see in the hallway.

“Seventeen standing by!” a woman yelled into her face mic. They formed their little circle and yelled Say the Name Seventeen! 

“Chan Oppa fighting!” Emmaline yelled jumping up and down. Trying so hard to be Korean. Chan gave her a thumbs up. 

Seokmin, last in line, yelled “what about me?” looking offended.

“You too Seokmin Oppa.”

She’s sickening.

It’s adorable.

There’s a couch in the middle of the stage.

Where did that come from.

Their choreography makes so much more sense now. Joshua sat on the corner,
“copy my heart and paste it on you~” he sang closing a book.

“You don’t love him do you?” a voice said from behind me.

Hampton.

“Who?” I blushed.

Obviously I know who.

“Joshua,” he said rolling his eyes. Arms folded.

We stood behind the curtains. Mom trying to contain the little boys as they ran around touching costumes. Emily looking mildly impressed. Esther, behind her rectangle glasses, eyes glued to Mingyu. Thankfully he was not in his Chuck outfit or RIP Esther. Dad staring at Emmaline, who jumped up and down and tried her best to sing the Korean lyrics.

“No, I don’t love him,” he ran to center stage.

I don’t think.

“Good,” he sighed taking my shoulder.

“Why?”

“It’s just…better…that you don’t.”

What the f-

Chan sat on top of the couch and pretended to drop the book while Mingyu pretended to feed Scoups, laying on his lap. 

This choreography is so complicated.

“What does that even mean?” I asked.

His platinum blond hair was perfectly gelled up. That always looked good on him.

“Please Ellie, just trust me.” He leaned forward raising his eyebrows. As if trying to send me a message and I wasn't receiving.

“Nevermind,” he sighed.

The song ended.

Screams. The boys ran off.

I high fived all of them as they ran by.

Hands dripping with sweat. That’s ok.

The other groups went on stage one by one, performing their best. 

Group dynamics are so interesting. Some groups play around backstage, obviously close on stage as they are in real life.

Others ignore each other and paint on smiles before stepping under the lights. Their acting is seriously impressive.

Mom ended up having to take the little boys outside to the Mcdonald’s because they were hungry and causing a mess backstage. And 90 minutes is long for anyone to stay still.

Joshua forcefully ignored me. Going from one member to the next, as if they had so much to catch up on. He went to the bathroom for like 10 minutes. 

But I’m not desperate. 

We’ll talk.

He’ll come to me.

Finally the host called everyone back on stage.

Scoups yelled for them all to return. 

“Put on your best faces guys,” he said over the crowd. “And be sure to cheer loudly for the winner.” 

Seokmin ran over to Emmaline and forced her to say “good luck oppa” before high fiving her. He stuck his tongue out at Chan and ran on stage.

They looked so cute up there. All dressed as little school boys. 

If anyone hurt a single one of them.

Wait. 

Is that?

An asian girl holding a large camera stood in the crowd. Aimed at Mingyu, she had large black glasses and a black cap on. But I swear.

“Sav—“ I pulled her over.

“Is that Kimmy?” I pointed to the spot where she was standing—but she was gone.

I swear she was here.

예쁜말~~

It filled the room, the crowd screamed, and confetti shot into the air.

Wait.

What. Sav put her hand over .

Did they just.

“Congratulations, Seventeen!”

Oh my god.

Oh. My. God.

I’m crying.

The host frantically looked around for who to give the trophy too. Seungcheol in a white collar received it and immediately handed it to Mingyu and took the mic instead.

Oh my god.

They’re jumping up and down in circles.

I can’t hear what they’re saying.

Arms around my back.

“WE DID IT!” Hampton screamed.

Sam joined and the four of us jumped around as well, as if it was actually us.

Seungkwan went to take the mic and was a hot mess.

Hampton put his hand over his mouth and started crying himself.

Vernon looked back at us, mouth open, and shook his head in awe.

What is happening.

Is Woozi crying?

Sav and I still held each other. Her s in my face. Tears hitting the top of my head. She’s wearing her gold heels today. Is she expecting something?

I’m a little responsible for this song. We all are. 

And then it was over, the other groups rushing of the stage clapping and talking about Seventeen themselves. As if they were ok with losing, if it was Seventeen that won.

They tried to do human pyramid but completely failed. They were lost without their main choreographer, who was eyes and cheeks puffy in tears wandering around the stage.

I can't see Joshua’s reaction, he's on the other side.

The song ended and Mingyu led the charge off the stage, holding the trophy high in the air and screaming.

One by one they ran down and we followed them to a circle. Squished into this little hallway, there’s sweat and tears and screams. Almost like being in a club. Except only pure intentions.

Hands on my face.

I’m turned around and he’s there.

And then his eyes closed and he put his lips on mine.

Oh my god.

He tastes like salt. Like salt and something else. I don’t know what to call it. He tastes like himself. 

A drop of sweat fell on to my nose. It's visceral. And real. I want him more.

The noise. Where did it go. The music and the screams. There's nothing but my blood racing through my head.

So soft. Like kissing a pillow. 

How could he be so gentle in such a writing mass of people.

I put my hands up around his shoulders, sliding my nails up his slick neck to the bottom of his hairline.

Kiss me harder.

But his lips just smiled against mine as he my hair and he pulled my face back.

It was over.

Cheers erupted around us and the moment broke.

Are they for us? Or just another round of winning screams?

No.

Woozi’s arms were folded smirking.

Oh my god. Dad. Where is he. 

Joshua slid a hand to the small of my back, refusing to break eye contact. Tingles followed his fingers all the way down. There may be other people here, but he's not speaking to them.

“I give up. Trying to keep it a secret,” he blushed.

The people peeking into our little bubble—Woozi and whoever else—laughed.