“Hey, your mom just texted me,” Sam handed me his phone. After a day  of rest, tea, and marathoning a drama, everything is slightly better.

More like, everything is clearer. 

Last night’s haze drifted away, leaving clarity and light.

I’m not a bad person.

Neither is Sav.

Neither is Joshua or Vernon, or anyone else. 

It’s just we all have flaws, and recently, those flaws have been hitting each other.

“What did she say?” I took his phone.

He stretched back on the couch. Drama playing with subtitles, but neither of us really watching it. 

 

Ellie’s Mom: hello sam dear, have you seen elena?

 

I answered for him.

 

Sam: she’s at my apartment actually. Just hanging out for the day. She says she’ll come home tonight.

 

I’m not ready to apologize. Not yet.

Because I’m stubborn and proud.

But I know that one day I’ll be able to.

I need to heal first.

 

Ellie’s Mom: do you know why she isn’t answering her phone?

 

Should I lie. I’m not ready to go back over there. But also, it’s not like we have money to just buy a new phone.

I’ll get it back eventually.

 

Sam: she says she left it at the company building and apologizes for worrying you.

 

A banner popped up the top of the screen. The ‘bro chat’ suddenly exploded, texts so fast I could barely read them as they went by.

 

Mingyu: has anyone seen my—

Seungcheol: no when did you last—

Mingyu: yesterday it was—

Seungkwan: I’ll give it to you if—

 

Wow. Glad to see everything was back to normal.

For them.

 

Kimmy: yes I can meet you there in an hour.

 

“Sam, you texted Kimmy?”

He sighed and got off the couch. “I knew you’d procrastinate it. So yes, I did it myself,” he winked and took his phone.

Why can’t I be angry with him.

I could never.

 

6pm, Sam and I found our usual table at Kimbap Angel. Greasy table and a network drama playing in the corner, everything felt very normal.

We ordered the usual, including Kimmy’s plain vegetable fried rice, and waited.

The food was cold by the time she got there. Hair disheveled and black rectangle glasses askew, but looking bright.

“Oh…hey Elena…” she stopped when she saw me.

Did Sam not tell her I was coming?

She disappeared back behind the drink machine and stuffed something in her backpack. 

What the f-.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” she came around and sat down, as if her behavior was completely normal.

“I thought it would be a good idea to have a little get together. For old times sake,” he handed her some napkins.

Shut up Sam.

She’s acting completely normal. 

“So, how was your day Kim—“ Sam started

“No, let’s get right to this.”

Yesterday’s blowup may have been disastrous, but it did teach me one thing.

If I reach out to anger, everything is clearer. With anger on my side, the frog stays to of my throat, my thoughts are organized, and my breathing steady.

As long as I don’t play with it too much it should be ok. I won’t become a supervillian.

Right?

Right.

“I saw you at Show Champion yesterday Kimmy, I know it was you.”

She pursed her lips and dug at her rice with her chopsticks.

“You need to stop doing that. It’s wrong.”

“It’s not wrong if they don’t know,” she said putting a bite in . 

What the f-.

What kind of logic is that.

Does she have any morals at all.

“Ellie—“ 

“No Sam,” I batted his arm away. “They’re people. With feelings and dreams and…relationships. You should respect them.”

She took another bite without making eye contact.

“Mingyu is not your brother,” I said.

She put down her chopsticks, eyes downcast.

That look.

I know that look.

It’s the one I’ve made to myself after a tiring day. When all I want to do is to have someone to tell me good job and go to sleep. 

“I know,” she whispered.

What.

“I know. I was wrong. He’s not my brother,” she started tearing up. “I just…wanted him to be… so bad…” she put her head in her hands.

Oh my god.

Sam stood up and went to her side of the table, holding her hand and her straight black hair.

I’ll let him take care of her. He’s so much better at this.

“I’m sorry Ellie,” she suddenly looked at me. “I’m sorry for lying to you. I’m sorry for messing with your boyfriends—“

“They’re not my boyfriends”

“And I’m sorry for never taking you seriously.” 

Tears spilled into her cold rice.

She never took me seriously?

Oh.

Ouch.

I tried to reach out to anger, but it isn't there.

“It’s fine…” I reached out to touch her hand instead. 

And suddenly it is fine. 

My heart lifted. 

An invisible weight named Kimmy must have been riding my shoulders. A girl who used to be friend, and had been making it impossible for Joshua and Vernon and Mingyu and Hoshi and all of them to rest, was always there. Subconciously gnawing at my mind. Stress. 

And with her apology, it was suddenly gone.

I got a friend back.

 

---

“Hey, your mom wants to see you,” Sam smiled, looking at his phone. 

Back in his apartment, with his arm around Kimmy, he looked happier than I’d seen him in weeks.

I may have been sitting here third wheeling, but I didn’t mind. Seeing the way he subconsciously played with her hair and the she put her hand on his knee—their care for each other was so obvious. It made me happy, seeing them happy.

I didn’t tell her everything. 

Nothing about my current state with our other friends. Or about my supposed “boyfriends” who she kept bringing up. But enough to tell her that yes. They are very talented and incredible and nice boys and she needs to leave them alone.

I barely told her anything.

Because a simple sorry over fried rice isn’t enough to excuse the hate she brought to people close to me. 

It would take time to heal.

But she knew that.

And from the way she smiled, it seemed like she was just so grateful to be given the chance.

I went to put my shoes on at the door and she left Sam and handed me something.

“Here,” she slung a big pouch over my shoulder. “That’s all of them.”

All of what.

She sighed and ped it.

Her camera.

With its giant lens.

“Take it from me. So I’m not tempted to use it,” she smiled sadly.

Ok.

“Not forever,” she said, “that thing is worth more than my life.”

Sam looked up.

“Just until I ask for it back.”

She gave me a hug,

“See you soon?”

Probably sooner than she imagined.

“See you soon,” I said. 

Sam stood in the doorway to the living room beaming. 

If anything, today was good for that.

---

 

Mom answered the door, forehead wrinkled and eyebrows furrowed. The little boys chased each other through the suite and hugged my legs.

“Everything ok?” she asked giving me a hug.

No. 

“Yeah, everything was great.” 

I put Kimmy’s bag down carefully.

“Did you have a good time?” she was only half asking. Mom cares about me, but right now she was only half-caring. Where is the rest.

“Where’s Emmaline?” I looked over her shoulder as the boys ran off into the kitchen.

This suite is bigger than our house. 

Better enjoy it while they can.

“She’s at the hospital with your father,”

She must have seen my anxiety level raise.

Mom’s emotions were see through, but she could also see through others. 

“Just for the regular check up, don’t worry,” she said. Mainly to herself.

“I was waiting for you to come back so we could go together. Chan said he’d stay with the boys.”

Chan?
“Hey Ellie!” he appeared from the other room, on cue. 

Happy and bright. Either he didn’t know, or he didn’t care.

I don’t know which I’d prefer.

“They’ve been having so much fun playing video games,” the boys hugged his legs. 

“To be honest, I was a little worried that once Sam left they’d be uncomfortable, but they adapted to him immediately,” she smiled.

“What time did Sam leave?” I asked.

“He just dropped off the gaming system and went home. Said he was tired,” she said heading to her room.

How many friends did Sam take care of last night.

I don’t deserve a friend like him.

The world doesn’t deserve a person like him.

When his life ends, he will pass all the angels and go straight to glory.

The room is naturally ornate, with its rose and gold curtains and large windows looking out over the city. If it weren’t for her permanent  worry lines and the gray hairs sticking out of her brown bun, she could easily pass for a queen taking a dress out of a silver chest. Not my mom taking a shabby coat out of a closet. She's so strong and beautiful.

I had the sudden urge to hug her.

So I did.

So many people in my life are hurting. 

She laughed and hugged me back. 

No questions. We’re both hurting.

“Let’s go see her,” she said.

 

---

 

The nurse led us in to a bright room, with a window looking out over the city.

“Ellie!” Emmaline jumped out of bed, ripping out the IV chord. I ran to her instead as the nurse quickly put it back in.

Dad kissed mom, “great news,” he said.

The nurse went on to explain that Emmaline was the perfect candidate for the new chemotherapy treatment. It had no guarantees, but it was an option different to what we’d been using before. Which hadn’t been working too well.

The nurse’s English was good, but there were some words that she didn’t know. I helped translate for her, and then mom told the nurse how grateful we were for their kindness. 

Which helped more—language school or 13 boys—not sure.

“Don’t thank me, thank the person who recommended you,” she smiled.

A pang.

Joshua.

I never did thank him.

Regardless of whatever our relationship was or is or will be, he deserves to be thanked. To be admired. To be forgiven. Even if just for this one act. 

---

 

A couple of days later, it was time for everyone but mom and Emmaline to leave. 

A Saturday—and their last 예쁘다 stage—I didn’t expect anyone to show up. There was no reason to. Emmaline is staying here.

But at the last minute, as we were saying our goodbyes, there was a shouting from the terminal, and two wobbling gagmen were running towards my family.

I missed them.

Mingyu and Chan appeared, breathless. 

The boys ran up and gave Chan big hugs. Calling him hyung. Chan teared up and patted each of their heads.

“I’ve never been called hyung before,” he said waving goodbye.

In the meantime, Mingyu ran up to Esther. 

Deep in her kindle, she didn’t notice him until he was right in front of her.

He leaned down and tapped the tablet until she looked up at him. He whipped a polaroid camera out of his jacket pocket and took a surprise selfie. As it printed he gave her a high school pep talk. Funny in that, he just barely graduated himself. But also endearing. She works too hard anyway. “It’s alright if you lay things down for a moment, it will be fine,” he smiled flashing his canines. He signed the polaroid with a pen he kept in his back pocket, and knelt to her level, handing it to her, “so let’s think good thoughts, so there are no worries.”

He stood and ruffled her hair.

She is ruined for life.

He pretended I wasn’t there the entire time.

Which hurt.

A lot.

I promise I would never hurt you Mingyu. In your little hairnet and apron I could never.

But I thought I could never hurt Sav. And I did.

Chan, who wasn’t at the party, is the only one able to look me in the eyes.

 

But it didn’t matter anyway.

As the weeks passed we settled into a routine.

I settled into a routine.

Two times a week we went to the hospital for injections. Then it was a full day of rest in the hospital. The next day she would rest in the hotel. And then we’d start over.

Sometimes we’d go visit a tourist attraction or something, but we were all emotionally drained. Snacks, movies, and music shows passed the time.

I spent more time with Sam and Kimmy than I expected. The three of us made a strange group. We all brought our own baggage to the table. And we carried it. Kimmy didn’t ask for her camera back, and I didn’t give it to her. I didn’t look either. Afraid that I’d find pictures of Joshua, and find myself banging on the company building’s front door at 3am, I’d stuffed the camera in the closet.

What made Emmaline happiest was watching the new seventeen promotions. 

Very Nice. The choreography on point, in their little suspenders. Sav and Wonwoo must have gone on that date. They must have made up at some point. Must have taken her to his hometown and walked the flower path. She and Hampton were probably waiting around back stage, giving them hugs and kisses and words of encouragement as they ran off. 

I wouldn’t know.

The fact that none of them tried to reach out to me through Sam was the hardest. They all had to know we were friends still. In fact, Kimmy and I went on girl dates while Sam went to ‘hang with the boys’. And while I never asked him up front if they said anything about me, I’m sure he would have told me. Sam asked me every time if there was something I wanted to say, or if I wanted to come.

No.

I'll wait.

Chan was the only one who stayed around. And him mainly because of Sam, who he stuck to like glue. Sam said that while the hyung thing was easy for Chan, the oppa thing wasn’t. And that at the end of the day, he preferred to be the younger one. Which was fine with Sam. Sam became the one to tie us all together, and it's so much easier to depend on a chord, than to be the one everyone depends on. I don't miss that pressure.

Life was ok. Emmaline was responding positively. I was friends with Kimmy again. I lost 14 friends but I gained one so, it could be worse. I never got my phone back and the detox felt good. The people in my life were in my life. And it was much simpler.

 

So it was just for another round of chemo, four weeks later, that I went to visit Emmaline and was met with a surprise.

I threw open the door to see Seokmin. Perched on the edge of her bed. Chatting.

No nurse. No medicine. No reason to be here.

“I told you she’d come!” Emmaline pointed at me. 

I avoided his gaze for a few seconds before realizing that was stupid. I have no reason to be ashamed. I didn’t do anything to him.

“Hey Ellie—“ he started awkwardly.

“Um, hi,” I brought my laptop in and set it on the windowsill. In the middle of summer, the green trees lit up the mountains making them look full of life. In a stark contrast to my feelings.

“I brought something for you.” Seokmin reached into his pocket and handed me my iPhone. 

“Hoshi found it. Under the desk in the office,” he said rubbing his neck. “Thought you’d like it back.”

Uncharged, it held no information. Had they tried to text me? Call me? Do I want to know?

Suddenly there were arms around me. “We miss you Elena,” he said. 

He opened his mouth as if to say more, but turned away.

“Bye Seokmin Oppa!” Emmaline shouted. He smiled and left.

 

I pulled out the hospital’s phone charger and plugged my phone in. 

The moment of truth.

It took a few minutes. A few weeks of zero communication can do that to a machine. Or a person. 

But when I put my code in and it came to life--

 

Dozens.

 

Dozens of messages. 

Banners that floated up and up and up. 

From all sorts of people.

“Are you ok Ellie,” Emmaline put her IVed hand on mine. 

I can only nod.

Finally they stopped scrolling.

Who to see first.

I shouldn’t do it. 

But I have to.

 

Shua: hey I’m so sorry let’s talk about this

Shua: meet me at the river tonight at 2am

Shua: I understand why you ignored me. But try again tonight?

Shua: Elena I’m so sorry.

Shua: I’ll wait there one more time. Tonight.

 

The last one was five weeks ago.

I’m crying.

“Ellie,” Emmaline wiped some of my tears.

And then, 

 

Shua: Seokmin just messaged me. Please come tonight Elena. I can't keep this in anymore.