I don’t want to go back to the Ritz with mom.

I don’t want to go back to the hospital with Emmaline.

I don’t want to go to Sam’s apartment with Kimmy.

It’s not like I can go to Vernon’s apartment because who knows what’s happening there.

Really I just want to be alone.

Joshua took a taxi back around 4am to sleep. They have a live show later today.

Joshua.

My heart hurts.

I said goodbye and headed to the subway until he was out of sight, and then I turned back to the river.

I feel so…empty.

Maybe I’ll just walk home. 

The subway doesn’t start for another hour. 

The sky is just getting orange and yellow, the weather perfect. By the time I get to the other side of the bridge, the first subway from Dangsan will be running and I’ll take it home.

I headed towards the bridge, where Joshua and I spent our first night.

Joshua.

Who knew? And why didn’t they tell me?
Looking back—Hampton obviously did. He even tried to warn me. Which means Seungkwan probably did too.

Wonwoo? He told me to ask him out in the first place. But then he also told us to be careful.

Oh my god.

The experiment.

Oh my god.

Did Wonwoo want me to ask Joshua out for Jeonghan’s sake.

That little.

Anger flared for a second but then died.

How could I be angry. 

While I don’t think I was in love with him, I definitely had physical attraction. And I told him a lot of things, I trusted him. I had an emotional attraction. And it grew every day. It could have led there. 

He must have felt so guilty.

I dragged my hands along the railing.

Cars just starting to come out, it really was going to be a beautiful day.

What should I do with it.

My phone buzzed.

 

Shua: I just realized we talked about me the entire time. I’m so sorry.

Shua: There’s a lot we need to catch up on. You should come to the building tonight. :)

 

Not likely.

 

Elena: I don’t think that’s such a good idea haha

Shua: We miss you Elena. All of us. And a lot has happened. 

Shua: No one is angry or anything. Even Sav.

 

So many messages I still haven’t read. I took care of the most important one, the one I was most intrigued by, first. But there were so many more relationships to heal.

 

Elena: maybe later.

Elena: by the way, I forgot to thank you. For calling Make a Wish and getting Emmaline here. It’s really a blessing.

Shua: What? Make a Wish? 

Elena: yeah…that’s how we are here…

Shua: I didn’t call anyone…

 

What the f-

A bikers horn. 

I stepped to the side and let an old man whiz by me.

 

Hampton: hey ellie. miss you.

Hampton: hey ellie. how’s emmaline?

Hampton: hey call me when you get this.

 

At least he tried?

 

Wonwoo: Ellie—question. Does Sav like purple or pink more?

Wonwoo: Ellie—where are you these days? I have a story~

 

He had no idea.

He was there.

He saw it happen.

I thought he was quicker than this. 

Maybe his crush has blinded him.

 

The group chat has one message. 

Hampton: has anyone seen my hair gel?

And no response.

When did we become like this.

 

The bridge’s hopeful messages along the railing lift my heart a little. 

“At the end of the day, remember the people who love you.”

“Your hard work will pay off”

Colorful pictures of food and happy people.

What kind of state do you have to be in to want to jump off this bridge.

I can’t even imagine it.

 

Zero messages from Sav. 

She’s really going to play this the whole way.

Do I prove I can be as stubborn?

Or do I be the bigger person and cave.

 

Only for Emergencies: Hey Converse. I want to talk to you.

 

A flurry somewhere in my chest.

What does he want to talk to me about?

There’s no way he remembers what happened that night.

He wouldn’t have kissed Sav that way sober.

Right?

I shook my head and walked faster.

Stop thinking that way.

 

Only for Emergencies: I have a question to ask you answer your phone.

 

I should change his contact information now. 

No reason to worry about jealousy anymore.

But for some reason I can’t.

And his little picture. Him looking up at the camera making a duck face, me in the corner hitting his chest.

Maybe I do hit him a lot.

A pang somewhere.

Do I miss him?

No there’s no way. Why would I?

There are so many people in my life who love and care about me. Why would I care what he thinks. He’s just a kid who wears a beanie and has really soft hair and eyelashes longer than Pinocchio’s nose and wants free English lessons.

 

I laughed.

Joshua is the one who could use the English lessons.

 

I should clarify with Vernon. Once I tell him that I’m not in love with him, then things can go back to normal. Fix the Vernon relationship. Then Sav. Divide and conquer.

 

Elena: hey you awake?

 

A few minutes later he responded.

 

Only for Emergencies: yeah! where are you?

 

The sun was warming the silver handrail.

It’s going to be a hot day.

 

Elena: I'm almost to Dangsan station. You?
Only for Emergencies: oh cool. I’m at home. Can I meet you there? By the peach tea machine? ;)

Elena: sure haha. Be there in 20.

 

The subway station was open despite the first train not starting for 30 minutes.

I picked my way over the homeless guy passed out on the corner. Scraggly beard and old clothes, curled up on a silver picnic mat.

I reached in my pockent—300 won.

Give to the homeless guy, or buy myself a tea…

I dropped it in his empty cardboard box.

I need karma more than I need tea.

 

I walked upstairs to the empty platform.

Vernon’s already there.

Wearing the neon beanie I made him and a hoodie. 

Typical.

“Hey,” I said sliding next to him.

A breeze blew through, fluffing his fringe sticking out from under the beanie.

Those eyes.

The orange light of dawn makes them look even lighter than usual, an orange chocolate.

Stop Ellie Stop.

“Oh wow…” he stuttered, “hey.”

He blinked rapidly as if trying to clear something out of his eyes.

“It’s been a while…” he bit his lip and looked away.

“Yeah…” I laughed.

“I got you something,” he handed me a little paper cup filled with warm peach tea.

Thank you karma.

“Thanks,” I took a sip.

There’s a lot to say.

Who was going to say it first.

I tapped the corner of the cup.

“Look,” we both said at the same time.

Oh my god.

Embarrassing.

“I’ll go first,” I said.

“No, let me,” Vernon put his hand on my arm. TIngles.

I slid it away and put it on my lap.

He told me what had been going on back in Seventeenland. Mainly, Wonwoo had gotten really sick. To the point where he couldn’t even perform properly. Their company decided to let him rest for the comeback, and return for the next one. I can’t believe I let him down like that. How sick must he be. Vernon must have seen the guilt on my face. 

“Don’t worry, he hasn’t been alone,” he smiled. “Sav has…been there for him.” 

Oh good.

Sav.

And Wonwoo.

That’s great for them.

Sun filtered through the subway station windows. The tracks suddenly roared, starting up. It’s going to be a busy day. Just like always.

“But how are you? How’s Joshua?” his legs bounced.

Joshua.

My heart sank.

Of course I didn’t blame him or have any hard feelings. But that didn’t erase my feelings. Not yet.

“He told you didn’t he,” he sighed.

What.

“You knew?” I put the cup down.

He looked at his hands. “We all knew. Well, we all guessed.”

Ok now I’m pissed.

“And you didn’t tell me?” 

Seriously. He couldn’t have told me? Before I got so invested in this relationship?

“Ellie come on, how could I have told you?” he rubbed his hands on his knees. “It’s not my place to tell anyone. And it’s not like I was sure…”

He stared off into the distance.

Oh my god.

I put my face in my hands.

I’m so dumb.

Everyone already knew.

It’s like they were all watching me, just waiting for the relationship to fall apart. Waiting for him to tell me, to see my reaction. 

But it’s not like I can blame them. Because it isn’t their place.

Vernon sighed. “It was wrong of me, not to at least give you a hint.”

“It’s fine,” I’m tearing up. 

Good.

“Well good.  If Joshua is out of the picture, I have something to tell you."

“Ok.” 

A bird flew into the station and started pecking around the platform. There’s nothing to eat here. Nothing to see either. Go away.

He tapped his feet.

“What?” I took my face out of my hands and looked at him.

He’s staring at me. 

“What?” 

“Elena,” he sighed deeply biting his lip.

What is going on.

What is happening.

My heart rate picked up.

Why would it do that.

Then he brought his hand up, and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. A spark from my forehead all the way to my toes.

What the actual f is he doing.

"What, you touch my hair? I'm not allowed to touch yours?" he smiled.

It’s that look of innocence. Like he 100% meant every word he was going to say.

Then his look became serious. Llke a switch, it changed.

“Since the moment I saw you, in this subway station,” he laughed, “I…”

He bit his lips.

What is happening.

“How do I explain it…”

Do I stop him?

His lashes graced his cheeks as he looked at the dirty ground.

“At some point, you became…” he motioned with his hands, “the root of my happiness.”

What.

What the f.

“Eveywhere I turned, you were there. Left, right, everywhere,” he pointed around the station.

He looked up at the windows. 

Noises from downstairs. 

What time is it.

“But you were with Joshua and that’s fine. Joshua is a great guy. Except for the fact that he isn’t straight but you know, what can you do,” he laughed to himself.

My heart was racing.

Why.

I don’t even know.

This is too much.

“I don’t understand what you want Ver—“

“I missed you so much Ellie.”

What.

His eyes won’t let mine go.

“When you didn’t answer my phone messages, I even went all the way to your apartment and knocked on your door,” he laughed, “before remembering that you didn’t live there anymore.”

What is happening.

"And then you were in America, and I thought I could let it go but I couldn't. And I hated myself for letting you just leave."

The electronic billboard . 

"I knew I needed to find a way to get you back here."

The first train will come in 5 minutes.

“Just, I need to tell you. That you’re in my head constantly. I can’t get rid of you,” he spoke quickly.

“Vernon stop.” I clapped my hand over his mouth.

This. This isn’t happening.

“You don’t have to feel any duty to me ok,” I said. “I’m not in love with you so…don’t worry. Let it go.”

His eyebrows crumpled as I brought my hand down.

“But Sav said…”

“Sav doesn’t know anything about relationships. She’s a mess.”

“So…you don’t have feelings for me? Anything?”
His hoodie had fallen back. Fringe ruffling slightly in the wind.

I want to touch it so bad. 

Fix it.

What do I say.

I don’t know.

Because I’m not sure…of anything.

All I know is that an hour ago the guy I liked confessed that he was gay and now this other guy who…was in my life…could possibly say something that we would both regret.

“No, nothing.” 

I bit my lip.

That’s a lie.

We both know it.

Not today. I can’t do this today or right now.

My fingers were shaking.

Why were they doing that.

Why does he have such power over me. I hate it. I hate him.

Since the moment we met on the subway I’d hated him for subconscious feelings he forced me to have. How he made me lose control no matter how had I tried. I hate him.

People started to come up the stairs.

We’re out of time.

“Well,” he blew out a puff of air. “I thought you should know that I’m sorry. For kissing Sav.”

“It’s fine, you can kiss who you want,”

That’s a lie.

“No it isn’t fine.” 

He took my hand.

There are people around.

Absorbed in their phones. He could do anything right now and they wouldn’t notice.

“Sav may have been wrong about your feelings for me…” he bit his lip, “but she was right about my feelings for you.”