a/n it's pledis party time people. warning--alcohol and other...things. buckle up for a pg-13 ride. ;)

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“Grab your friends and go to the company building,” he whispered into my ear, sweaty cheek accidentally rubbing mine. “We’ll meet you there in an hour.”

Done.

He got shoved away by Mingyu who was still jumping around the small hallway screaming.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen tonight, but I hope a defibrillator is somewhere in the building.

Where are Dad and Emmaline.

I pulled Sav aside.

“Girl, did I just see what I thought I saw?” she said under her breath.

“Don’t worry about it,” I blushed. 

We yelled for Hampton and Sam and brought them to a corner behind the curtains.

“Joshua told me to meet them at the company building,” I whispered to them.

“Excellent. Party time,” she smiled standing straight up.

“No Sav, not party time,” I said. Not in the way she’s thinking.

“How about just play-some-music-chill-out party time,” Hampton said.

Sam shifted on his feet and played with his tie.

“I think I’m actually going to go home guys. I’m tired and feel a little sick.”

Code word for : you guys go be crazy I’m out.

“Excellent, I’ll get the drinks,” Sav clapped her hands together.

“No, Sav, we aren’t doing that.” I know what happens when she gets drunk.

“Sam, take Chan to the hotel. He can entertain Emmaline. The adults can have a good time,”

“Sav, stop,” Hampton said.

“No, that’s a good idea I think,” Sam said looking over everyone’s shoulders. 

No Sam.

Stay.

Be my security blanket.

If Sam is there, nothing can get too out of control.

I can’t do anything I regret too much.

He’s my excuse.

“Sam—“ he smiled at me. A little sad, but also with an acceptance. 

“I’ll grab the gaming system from Vernon’s place. We’ll take it to the hotel and order chicken. I haven’t played in a while anyway. It’ll be fun.”

That’s a lie.

I watched him wander away. Most of the members had left to get changed.

Except for Minghao, who was taking a selfie in his school boy outfit. Sam photobombed it.

“Hey Dad, I’m going to go  meet them at the company building,” I said going up to him.

Why do I feel like I’m asking permission.

I’m not.

I’m an adult.

This is simply an informative statement.

“Have fun,” he winked, hands on Emmaline’s shoulders. 

Oh my god.

“I want to come…” Emmaline whined. 

“It’ll be no fun,” Chan appeared completely changed. “Let’s get food and play together,” he said in simple english.

That seemed to be an acceptable substitution.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________

 

I showed the taxi driver the address Joshua had texted me, all those weeks ago.

“You’ve been here before?” Hampton asked.

“Um…maybe?” I blushed.

Without Sam here the stakes had raised.

And we all knew it.

“Girl you’ve been keeping things from us and it’s not cool,” she said.

The buildings whizzed by as I told the driver to go faster. At this rate they may beat us back.

“You haven’t told me everything either,” I said.

Squished in the back seat, between two of my best friends, I saw them—really saw them—for the first time in a while. So focused on other people, I hadn’t gotten to talk to them beyond short text conversations.

“For example, what is that necklace you’re wearing?” I said pointing to her neck.

She looked down and carefully plucked a silver necklace, in the shape of a diamond, off her chest.

“Oh, it’s nothing. I just thought it was pretty.”

“Stop lying Sav I saw you pull that out of one of Wonwoo’s albums,” Hampton rolled his eyes.

Why is she being so weird about Wonwoo. She may not have told me all her escapades with the opposite gender, but she’s told me enough to think that there can’t be much she hasn’t done.

So what is this sudden secrecy.

“I wore it because it makes him happy,” she frowned, “but to be honest I think it’s tacky,” she tried to take it off.

“Leave it on Sav,” I grabbed her hands. “It’s ok.”

She looked down guiltily. 

I know she likes it.

“Wonwoo is a nice boy. There’s nothing wrong with a nice boy liking you,” I said.

Or maybe that was the problem.

“I need a drink,” Sav leaned her head on the headrest.

 

Shua: hey we may be back a little bit later than hoped. Manager found out he wasn’t invited so he said he won't buy us pizza and drinks. We have to stop at Pizza School ourselves. :)

 

“Well Sav,” I said showing her my text, “looks like there will be drinks after all.”

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

The driver dropped us off and we got out, only to remember that I didn’t actually know the key code to get in.

Thankfully there weren’t any fans around. It’s a school night.

 

Elena: hey so…what’s the code? haha

Shua: 1717 :)

Elena: wow. original.

 

We went inside and I gave Sav and Hampton a brief tour. Leaving out certain parts. Didn’t go to the third floor at all because just thinking about it makes my stomach flutter.

 

Down in the practice room Hampton found the computer and hooked it up to the loud speaker. It blasted louder than we expected and I ran towards it, covering my ears to turn it down.

There aren’t any drinks yet and we’re a mess.

 

Sav looked at herself in the wall of mirrors. Eyes downcast. Pulling down on her shirt and sighing. 

Hampton threw himself into a big black leather couch and started texting.

“They’re almost here,” he said.

“Who are you texting,” I landed next to him.

“No one,” he smirked and put his phone in his pocket.

“Yes ok. And it was also no one who gave you albums,” I raised my eyebrows.

“I’ll tell when you tell,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

When did the three of us become so distant. It’s like we are in the same universe now but different planets. Not communicating or sharing our secrets. Is it because we have other people to share our secrets with? Is it because Kimmy is still in that stupid group chat? Or is it because we are just changing?

Footsteps upstairs.

“They’re here,” I said.

“Guess we’ll have to swap stories another day,” he winked getting up.

Seungcheol ran downstairs and slammed 8 pizzas and a pack of beer on the table.

“And some fruity soju for the ladies,” he handed Sav and I lemon sojus, smiling. Not in a suggestive way. In a here-you-go-I-bought-this-for-you way. He’s on the Hampton-chill-out party plan.

Sav put the soju down, popped a beer, and threw her head back.

Evidently she is not on that plan.

What is with her.

“I’m good thank you,” I gave it back to Seungcheol. 

“You sure?” 

“Yes…”  

Am I sure? What if I just want to lose my inhibitions. Just completely let go. For once. Sav does it all the time. She’s an incredible person. Hampton does too and he’s doing fine.

“I don’t like the taste very much,” I said.

Seungcheol shrugged his shoulders and handed it to Woozi, who took it gladly.

Hoshi ran downstairs, still hyped up. He turned up the music and yelled “SEVENTEEN FIGHTING!!!!” in the middle of the room and danced around.

“Did he drink anything?” I asked Seungcheol.

“Nope,” he smiled, opening up the boxes.

Seokmin joined Hoshi in the middle of the floor, held up the trophy above his head and yelled TWOTEEN FIGHTING!!!”
“He didn’t either,” Seungcheol laughed.

“Two pepperoni please,” a soft voice said, a hand sliding down to the small of my back.

.

Maybe I do need a drink.

Seungcheol rolled his eyes and handed us two empty plates.

“I’m actually ok,” I said.

I hugged my stomach. My stomach acid is swishing around inside I can feel it. I’ve never been this nervous in my life. I don’t even know why.

“You sure?” Joshua asked.

His big doe eyes looked so concerned. Like my health was more important to him than his existence. 

He still had his eyeliner on. Perfectly outlining the top of his lid and out to the sides, emphasizing his already prominent lashes that make me weak.

Whoever said guys can’t wear makeup just haven't seen it done properly.

“Yeah, really I’m good. Let’s just go sit down.”

I left him and practically ran to the couch, sliding next to Mingyu.

Seungkwan and Hampton had already disappeared.

Sav was over in the corner chatting to Jun, who was also holding a beer. 

Since when were they friends.

She has that look. She’s making the flirty eyes at him. Don’t do it Sav. You’ll regret it.

Where’s Vernon.

“Where’s Vernon?” I asked Joshua.

“Vernon? I don’t know. Why?” he asked putting his arm around my shoulder.

I want him to come closer.

But not here.

Mingyu left and ran to the computer,  and Wonwoo almost immediately took his place.

He looked down at his pizza, on a little blue plastic plate, and picked at the crust.

There’s Vernon.

Chatting with Seungcheol and grabbing a piece of pizza. He must have run water through his hair and shoved a beanie on top. Because now it’s all over the place sticking out all sides.

Someone should fix it.

He looked over at us, Joshua’s arm around my shoulder.

It’s nothing I promise.

Wait, what?

I had leaned forward.

He smiled a little, without showing his teeth, and took a beer from Seungcheol.

Minghao and Mingyu fought over which song to play next, only playing 10 seconds before choosing another.

My head.

My stomach.

“—working on?”

“Hm?”

Woozi laughed staring at his beer. Wait, didn’t he already drink a soju.

“Do you want to see what song I’m working on?” he said over the music.

Joshua looked at me waiting for a response.

“Um, sure.”

I guess anything is better than the music changes and Wonwoo’s apathy and Vernon’s intermittent looks over his shoulder.

Wait what.

My hand.

He took it, asking with his eyes if I was ok.

Yes everyone. I am ok.

Emotionally overwhelmed and surrounded by people I care about whose feelings are on the line and a tipsy Korean boy band but yes everything is fine.

We followed Woozi up the stairs. 

Noises from the closet on the landing.

Woozi rolled his eyes and pulled the door open. 

Jun staggered out, Sav laying in his arms. Her diamond necklace swinging off her neck, like a pendulum.

“What are you doing?” she giggled grabbing the door knob and forcing him back inside.

Sav.

Why.

Why does she do this to herself.

Why does she migrate around, back and forth, to people she doesn’t know, or worse, people who don’t care. She’s a good person.

But I’m not her mom.

I can only be there for her when she cries about it later. And tell her that she was stupid and she shouldn’t do it again. And then be there for her the next time.

None of us know what to say. So we just continue walking up the stairs.

Oh my god.

We entered into the office.

He’s not.

“Go in there and I’ll play you the song,” he said pointing to the recording room.

I want Joshua’s hand to go to my hips so badly but I don’t know how to get it there. 

I’m not Sav.

I’m not good at this.

I’m not a fun person.

Woozi went into the production room while Joshua closed the door behind us. The music and screams from downstairs disappeared. Only the sound of me breathing. Or trying not to.

Woozi clicked around on the computer.

His eyes were dilated and his hands moved the mouse erratically. 

“…is he ok?” I asked Joshua.

“Um…” he stared at the window. “Woozi hyung, are you ok?” But he obviously couldn’t hear him. “Woozi is small…I wonder how much he drank already…”

Woozi motioned for me to put the headphones on.

This feels all too familiar.

Joshua lifted the headphones off the wall and slid them over my head, fingers just barely gracing my forehead.

Why won’t he just grab my forehead.

Make the first move.

Why does it have to be me.

Well, I guess earlier it wasn’t me.

Joshua slid the other pair over his own ears.

Woozi pulled a microphone near his mouth and started speaking

“Guys, I feel bad about interrupting you a few weeks ago,” he slurred.

Oh my god.

“This is me making it right.”

And he straight up left the production room, without another word.

Oh my god.

I’m laughing and shaking my head who does he think he is.

A little love fairy? A little pink cupid come to—

Hands, sliding the headphones off my head. They dropped to the floor.

Those are probably expensive.

Don’t look at him and it will be ok.

Wait.

I don’t want it to be ok.

Embrace this Elena.

Stop trying to control your emotions and let them out because it’s ok to be human.

A surge of courage through my veins.

I turned, grabbed the collar of his shirt and brought him close. Hesitating for just a second, above his lips. Just do it Elena.

Warm. Soft. Smooth. 

That’s what wearing lip tint all the time will do.

He didn’t taste like salt anymore. Just sweet.

So glad we didn’t eat pizza.

I moved my arms up around his shoulders and took his headphones off.

They tumbled to the ground.

Pledis is broke. Probably should be more careful with their equipment.

I pulled him closer.

His hair had been gelled to perfection for the show, and pulling on the strands, changing it’s shape, was extremely gratifying, even if I couldn’t see what it looked like.

Kiss me harder damn it.

Finally I felt hands on my waist. They crept along the top of my jeans until linking completely..

Couldn’t do that when I was fat.

He has nice straight teeth.

Kiss me harder.

Why isn’t he. 

Doesn’t he want this?

Then his hands were in my hair he pushed his face on mine. 

As if he’d been considering the consequences and in this moment making a decision.

Finally.

A thrill from the top of my head to the ends of my toes. Energy coming out of my fingertips.

I put my hands down the back of his shirt, just under the collar.

He’d been sweating.

“Elena stop,” he let go of me and pushed me away slightly, backing against the wall.

Oh my god.

What did I do.

He took his hands off my hips and ran them through his hair, pulling back on his forehead, stretching his eyes. 

Eyeliner smudged he put his head back against the wall breathing heavily.

Oh my god.

I’m such a horrible person.

He asked me if it was ok just to kiss me.

And here I am jumping him without considering how he felt.

Selfish.

I’m so selfish.

I just assumed.

I thought all guys were like that.

That’s what Sav had told me.

“I’m so sorry,” I said leaning against the wall opposite him. “I didn’t know…”

“No no it’s not your fault,” he put his head in his hands. His perfectly shaped comma hair had fallen into a disarray of pieces, like shattered glass, in no pattern or sense.

“It’s not you, it’s me?” I laughed.

Why aren’t I crying. Why aren’t I afraid. Why aren’t I screaming or flailing against the door or begging for a defibrillator. Why isn’t my stomach doing back flips or my heart about to burst out of my ribcage.

Why am I so calm.

It’s like he took the energy out of me. 

“No, it’s not you,” he sighed.  “That’s what I mean.”

He looked up and met my gaze. A new look. Not confusion or fear or desire or happiness. Still big and yearning, but with the corners turned down, as if his heart was down as well. The look Sav’s dog gave her once after shredding her dress. 

A look of guilt.

 “It’s someone else.”