Sav: hey, did you make it home safely?

Elena: yeah no problems

Hampton: we already miss you

Sav: yeah Hampton isn’t nearly as entertaining

Elena: how are you guys?

Hampton: wtf

Hampton: say that to my face

Sav: Ok

Nothing from Wonwoo, Vernon, or Joshua.

It’s best this way.

“I can’t wait to take you to my room!” Emmaline ran to me in the airport.

“You mean the girl’s room?” I said her head. Fuzzy and soft, like rubbing carpet.

“Emmaline has kind of taken it over,” Mom said hugging me. She’s lost weight. “And for some reason, your older sisters don’t care,” she laughed taking one of my suitcases from off the conveyer belt.

Sam: did you make it home?

Elena: yeah! how is everything?

Sam: it’s fine. boring. 

I should tell Sav about Sam. He needs someone. 

____

“You can have the big bed,” Emmaline led me down the short hallway.

“You mean my bed?”

She opened the door and pushed me in.

Oh my god.

“I don’t know why, but she’s obsessed with them,” mom shrugged her shoulders.

The boys.

Spread across the wall. 

Posters of all sizes, including a massive picture of Dino from the new album.

Are you f-ng kidding me.

“They’re called Seventeen,” she ran over to a poster of them all dressed in black, wearing heavy eye make up.

I want to laugh but I feel sick to my stomach.

This is unreal.

How did this happen.

I attempted to leave them—a clean break—but they followed me. Hell, they beat me home.

“—min Boo Seungkwan Choi Hansol, and Lee Chan. My favorite one,” she smiled at them “They’re shining diamonds that can’t be replicated”

Oh my god.

“…how old are you?”

“14,” she frowned. 

“That’s what I thought.”

“Who do you think is the cutest?” she asked pointing to each one.

Emmaline was the angel of the family. The one who cleaned her room without asking and only watched Disney Channel and decorated her notebook with smiley face stickers. She always acted young, and even though her age increased, she seemed eternally 10.

“Joshua?” 

“Hm?” my heart skipped. “What about Joshua?” 

“If I was old like you, I think I’d like Joshua.”

Old like me.

Oh god.

“I’m not old,” I said. “10 years is nothing between family right?”

Trying to make this not about us. Not them.

“That’s something Seungcheol would say,” she beamed at him.

Oh god.

_______

The first week was horrific. I put a smile on for Emmaline because this is about her--though I'm not really sure how my presence helped. We played board games and went to Mcdonald’s and watched Hannah Montana. She tried to get me in to Seventeen

“Just look at this one video!” 

She used the slow internet to bring up their prerecording from the first day. 

Pretty U.

Dancing around a couch. 

Screaming girls.

Oh my god.

Vernon in a neon green beanie.

Tears. My body betraying me again. 

“They’re too young for me,” I said walking away.

But she could see my emotion and didn’t bring them up again.

Emily and Esther came home, did their homework, and mainly avoided any kind of social interaction. Fairly certain Emily has a boyfriend. I’m determined to get the information out of her. There’s a Mingyu sticker in Esther’s notebook. 

Ethan, Edward, and Eli mostly played video games. They’d get along so well with Chan.

Dad was at the factory all day, as always, but he gave me a big hug every night and told me he was so glad I was home.

I wish I could have returned it with as much sincerity .

But I’m a horrible liar.

Everyone just kind of pretended that Emmaline was perfectly healthy. A coping mechanism. But I heard mom crying to dad at night. And I saw the hurt behind her eyes when she Emmaline’s head.

Is that what I look like when I’m sad.

Probably.

It seemed that every time I was distracted from Joshua, something would happen that reminded me.

Just someone saying the word ‘pretty’. Or giving me a thumbs up. Or hearing Call of Duty gun shots from the living room. Not to mention the posters. But I could never ask Emmaline to take them down. You could tell that just by looking at them, her mood got better.

But it wasn’t good for me. Falling asleep with them surrounding me, gave me dreams. Sometimes just happy memories—my subconcious replaying the best 4 months of life. Other time, in those moments between awake and asleep, I imagined ‘what-ifs’. Of the production room. Of the library. Leading to dreams that I will not be telling mother about.  One night was this weird alternate universe sci-fi physics-denying adventure that should be made into a book. But it ended with all 16 of us safe and sound. In the apartment.

Sometimes Vernon crept in there too. He always woke me up, before revealing his purpose.

Regardless, every morning I woke up happy, until realizing that it was just a dream. And then I put on a smile and continued with life. Because that’s what adults do.

I tried sleeping in the living room one night. I dreamt that Hoshi jumped off the Mapo Bridge and Mingyu drowned saving him. 

I went back to the bed.

On day 6 After Korea, while playing cards with Emmaline, I checked my phone to see that someone had left a voicemail. An unidentified number. While she looked at her cards I checked the message

Joshua's message

4pm my time. Meaning 6am his. I let her win and went upstairs. Tears didn’t even come. Just blank. Empty.

And then.

Kimmy: hey. I have a layover at LAX. 6pm. Terminal 6. Want to get something to eat? I’ll buy.”

What the f.

Oh my god.

Elena: sure…

__

“Hey!” she stood up from the bench and gave me a big hug. 

“Hey…” I said.

She was carrying only a small bag.

“I’m doing a visa run,” she said cheerfully. “Then back to Korea.”

“Ok…”

“Elena, there’s some things I have to tell you,” she sighed.

“Um…yeah…”

We went to the In ’n’ Out right next to the airport and sat outside in the bright sunshine.

“You probably have a lot of questions,” she said unwrapping her burger.

“Um…” 

This is so weird.

Why is she so happy.

“I have a confession to make,” she took a big bite.

I started unwrapping mine. But I’m not hungry. 

At all. 

“Like the fact that you have a giant twitter account, speak a bunch of languages, and make 13 boys' lives difficult for fun?”

What she did isn’t ok.
She needs to know that.

She stopped chewing. “Don’t put it that way.”

Her glasses reflected the red umbrella so I couldn’t see her eyes, but she sounded hurt.

“How do you want me to put it?”

“There’s something you don’t know,” she put down her burger.

“Yeah, I think more than one thing.”

“Ok, please eat your burger. And listen. Just listen,” she held her hand out, begging me to take it. 

I picked up a fry instead.

If what Vernon said was true about her, she caused a lot of trouble. Thankfully the scandals blew over, but that doesn’t mean the next one would. Not to mention the pain that she’s causing Sam.

“Well first off. You know I’m adopted. Me and my little brother. Our parents are white suburbia,” she looked down at her fingers.

I didn’t know that.

I’ll pretend like I did.

“You know my real name right?”

“Sohee,” I said playing with the fries and ketchup.

“Do you know why I go by Kimmy?” she asked.

I shook my head.

“Because my Korean last name is Kim.”

“Ok…”

A huge glob of ketchup fell on my lap. .

“When I turned 18, I left for Korea. To find my parents. But unfortunately, Kim is the most popular last name in Korea,” she sighed.

I really don’t care.

“For six years, I moved around Korea. Going to school and searching public records. But my name is just too common.”

This story doesn’t sound like a real story.

I don’t know what to believe about her anymore.

This is going to stain.

These fries taste like wet cement.

“—him,”

I’m not taking the bait.

We’re in a fight.

“One of your boyfriends,”

“I don’t have any boyfriends,” I rolled my eyes.

What is she even talking about.

“Ellie listen,” she grabbed my hand with my napkin, “doesn’t Kim Mingyu look a lot like my little brother?”

I mean yes.

But there’s no way.

“I think…Mingyu might also be my little brother.”

I dropped the fry.

"You're full of Kimmy."

Is she delusional?

Absolutely mental.

"No! I'm serious," she said.

She actually believes it.

"Ok," I said pushing the fries away. They look nasty.

"If he's your little brother, then why are you trying to make life hard for him??"

She swallowed a bite. "Because I want him to recognize me."

What.

"And if I followed them enough, I'd learn things. If I followed Mingyu, he'd eventually go to his parents' house. And I could see if they're mine."

What the actual f-.

"That's so...illogical Kimmy."

"No! It makes perfect sense!" she wiped her face with a napkin.

I cannot wait to tell the group chat.

"But now I don't have to follow them!"

What

"Because I have you!"

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

a/n wow pledis releases joshua's emo teaser at the perfect time

I gotta finish this before the comeback. I hope I have time. :(