My tongue is so dry.

I hate getting up in the middle of the night but I need water—now.

I scrambled over Sav, who had brought the blanket up completely over her head, and was snoring softly.

Outside the bedroom they all laid on top of each other. 

The windows were sealed shut to keep out the prying cameras. Only a little light from the full moon crept through the bottom crack. It reflected off of Woozi’s neon pink hair making little rainbow dust motes hover above. Like an actual cherub.

Seungkwan had left his carpet side and moved to the kitchen, curled up next to Hampton.

My heart.

I stepped through them, leaping over Vernon, who was lying on his back, arms to his sides, as if in a coffin.

Small voices from the bathroom.

Is Sam using the toilet? If not yet, then he should be soon. No one should drink that much milk at once. It’s not natural.

I grabbed a cup, turned the sink on to just a trickle and looked for Joshua. Seungcheol, Sam, Hampton, Seungkwan, Vernon, Minghao, and Chan all nestled together. 

Where is he?

Is it weird to be looking for your kind of boyfriend in the middle of the night?

Doesn’t change my curiosity. 

Soft laughter from the bathroom.

I tiptoed over and put my ear to the door.

This is so sketchy and breaks trust and I shouldn’t be doing this but…I can’t stop.

“our first interview in the little old recording room?”

“that was so awkward,” Joshua laughed.

“Yeah I felt bad for you,”

“You felt bad for me???”

“I mean, your Korean .”

“If it was so bad then why did you stay my friend?”

“I don’t know. Bad judgment on my part.”

Something like tapping on the tile.

I should leave. This is rude.

I don’t understand how Joshua could be so close to someone who hates me. But, maybe he knows things that I don’t. They were friends long before I came into the picture. 

“I miss you Shua,” the voice changed. Softer.

“I’m right here,” he laughed.

“You know what I mean.” 

More tapping on the tile.

Someone’s hand on my shoulder.

Jesus, I jumped and spilled water everywhere.

Vernon clapped his hand over my mouth.

“Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“Nothing.”

Vernon, crazy bedhead, motioned for me to go outside.

No no.

I pointed to the bedroom.

We snuck in.

Vernon pointed to Sav’s figure on the bed.

“Don’t worry, she’d sleep through the apocalypse,” I whispered.

We went in the small walk-in closet and shut the door nonetheless.

“What are we doing in here?” I laughed.

No seriously.

“I haven’t talked to you in a while. That’s all.” 

Moonlight that crept through the blinds also peeked through the door slits, making his face into horizontal strips of light. Tripping over his eyes which reflected them across his cheeks.

“So…we’re going to talk in a closet at 3am?” I said, taking sips of water.

“Do you have any better ideas?” he smirked.

No.

“Ok first off—where’s my beanie?”

. I’d totally forgotten.

“I’m so sorry Vernon, I really don’t know where it is,” he looked actually distressed. “I’ll…make you a new one. What’s your favorite color?”
“Neon green.”

“Ok,” I said, “I’ll order some neon green yarn and knit you one as soon as possible.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” he said.

“Secondly—you and Joshua? Seriously?”

I choked.

“You know?”

“Please,” he looked at me sarcastically, “everyone knows.”

Wow the bottom of this cup is so interesting.

Praise the darkness.

"I don't get it," he sighed.

"Don't try to then."

Wait.

“Vernon…the other day Joshua said something about you and Seungkwan. What was he talking about?”

“Joshua knew about that?” he asked looking into his head. “He’s not as dense as I thought.”

He pulled his knees to his chest.

“Well, Seungkwan and I are really close. Have been since pre-debut. To make a long story short,” he smiled at his hands, “a little while ago, we even tried dating.”

“What??” I choked on my water.

“Yeah,” he sighed, “but it didn’t take long for me to realize that on my end it was purely emotional, not physical. It happens sometimes. I think it hurt him really bad,” he paused, “but I know that one day he’ll find a guy who’s both emotionally and physically into him.”

Wow.

Ok.

“There’s lots of drama between the 13 of us actually,” he laughed, “things you should probably know. That you should definitely be told. But I don’t know if I should be the one to tell you.”

What.

Is one of them actually a psychopath.

Do they hide murder behind their big eyes.

Do they lure their victims in and stab them when they’re sleeping.

Serial killers always come off as innocent.

That’s what mom always told me before leaving the house.

He ran his fingers through his hair and it stuck there. 

Kiss Joshua and touch Vernon’s hair. Those are the two things I must do before May 3.

“I’m leaving by the way,” I blurted out.

“Wait what?” his eyebrows crunched.

“May 3. I’m leaving. My mom needs me home. My little sister’s cancer recurred again. She needs help.”

“Wait, for good?” his voice rose.

“Shhh…” Sav sleeps well but not that well.

“I don’t know,” I said putting the cup down.

“I don’t want it to be for good but…I don’t know.” 

I put my head in my hands.

Don’t cry.

Fingers through my hair. Tingles.

.

I batted him away.

This entire time I’ve been ok with leaving but suddenly…in this moment…I’m not. Why is life so unfair. 

Korea was the first place in the world I’d found true happiness. Away from my old body, making new friends, romping around a vibrant city, learning a new language, seeing Shinee. Seoul is a place where everything is perfect. Home is boring except for when it’s stress—those are its only two modes. 

But Emmaline.

I’m so selfish.

“Sometimes, I wish I could leave Seoul…” he said.

What.

He rung his hands.

“As much as I’m grateful for the opportunity to perform, it’s stressful here. People are constantly texting me. People I never talked to before suddenly want to be my friend.” He pulled something out of his pajama pocket. “I have to carry around an extra battery pack even when I sleep. Just in case there’s an emergency or something,” he laughed. “And people following me. I can’t even leave my own apartment for fear people will judge me, which will let down all the members.”

“Oh yes, being adored by hundreds of people must be really difficult,” I rolled my eyes, “just damn your popularity.”

“Ok no. We aren’t that famous yet. We barely debuted. We have a few…dedicated…fans. But on the whole, we aren’t that popular. Do you know how many groups actually make it in this industry? Not very many. But trainees spend a good part of their lives trying to make it. And then when they fail and the company drops them, they’re left broke and without any real life experience only knowing how to put on concealer and in to tight pants” he sighed and let the thought linger.

“That’s what I’m most afraid of. In case you were curious.” His lashes grazed his cheekbones as he twirled his hoodie strings.

Wow.

“Well, putting on concealer is not a wasted skill,” I said.

That is an interesting thought. At least I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased. Even if I didn’t want to do something, I still had the option to choose to do it. 

“What’s your biggest fear?” he looked up at me. 

Good question. I’m not really sure.

That look again—completely innocent with 0% guile and 100% trust.

“I guess…the opposite of yours?” 

These pajamas are so soft.

“Like, even if you flop, you’ll always have the members as friends. Don’t deny it.”

He didn’t.
“Whereas me…I have plenty of life experience, and I have friends. And I have Sav. But we aren’t bound to each other. We aren’t married. We didn’t sign any contracts. They could up and leave me at any moment. And then I’d be alone.”

“I didn’t think you cared about loneliness,” he laughed. “You stayed in your room for like 3 days knitting.”

“Ok, that was after emotional stress,” I said. “When I’ve recovered from an overload and I’m stable again…I want to be around people.”

“And destroy your emotional state once more?” 

“Yes,” I said. “I have masochistic tendencies.”

“Well you chose to date a guy in a Korean boy band. Which can only lead to pain,” he laughed.

But we both know it’s true.

“Your friends won’t leave you,” he said.

“How do you know that?”

“Just…show me pictures,” he laughed.

“What?”

“I’m a good judge of character. For instance, I know that Hampton and Sav and Sam may separate from you because you know…life…but you won’t stop being friends. Ever.”

“How do you know this?”

“Just a single look in their eyes,” he leaned forward making eye contact. .

He broke it and laughed.

“And I know that Joshua really cares about you too. Against all odds.”

My stomach flipped.

“Show me your other friends.”

This is ridiculous. But it’s better than dwelling on leaving Korea or Emmaline’s cancer.

I pulled up a picture of Kimmy. 

“Well this is my friend Kimmy. We met at language school. She went home and works at a restaurant now. Sometimes I wonder about her though…”

He snatched the phone from my hand and zoomed in on the picture.

“Why do you always take my phone?” I smacked his shoulder.

“This is Kimmy? This is your friend Kimmy?” he said pointing at her profile picture of her making a peace sign.

“Yes…?”

He put his face in his hands.

“What’s so funny?” 

I took my phone back.

“Ellie…she’s not back home at the restaurant.”

What.

“She’s outside. With a big camera.”

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a/nFIRST SEVENTEEN COMEBACK TRAILER DROPPED ON A RANDOM WEDNESDAY NIGHT THX PLEDIS

and it's vernon. how coincidental.