a/n 8 songs left to wrap this up. I promise the end won't be completely depressing. But, the hard times aren't over yet. 

Thanks for reading again. Sorry I'm such a sadist :)

She let go of Vernon and held her hand to her cheek.

It’s not bleeding or anything stop being dramatic. 

Wonwoo jumped off the couch, pizza falling on to the floor, and appeared at Sav’s side. Cupping her face and her cheek like she’d just been fatally wounded.

Please.

I didn't do anything wrong.

That was purely out of self defense.

I mean, it was out of defense. 

Defense against…something.

The room widened.

Why is everyone looking at me like that. Hoshi and Seokmin had backed up against the walls, trying to put as much distance between us as possible.

Someone is holding my arms behind my back.

What the f- I’m not a criminal.

“Calm down Elena,” Hampton whispered coming close to me. 

As if I was a rabid German Shepherd.

I’m not.

Where’s Joshua?

He’s not on the couch with Mingyu or hiding behind the table with Seungkwan.

Vernon, looking at me so guiltily, but scared at the same time. Eyes big, reflecting a girl that did actually resemble a rabid dog at the moment. Minus the spit.

I didn’t do anything wrong. 

Sav made me do it.

I’m not a bad person.

But they’re all looking at me like I was. 

Pitiful? Fat? Ugly? Stupid? Poor? Incompetant? Emotional? Rash? 

Check yes to all of the above.

But bad? Mean? Evil?

No. 

I am not a bad person.

The anger dwindled, like water down a drain, swirling down until it disappeared. What gave me so much strength before had gone, without even a courtesy goodbye. Leaving me with a limp shell of a body and the knowledge that I had just done something terribly wrong.

I’m not a bad person.

This isn’t my fault.

She’s fine.

But everyone looks like I’ve just slapped them personally.

I would never do that.

There’s nothing that Mingyu could do that would make me hurt him. That would give him the face that he's wearing.

I slid my hands out of whomever was holding me back. 

The tears are coming.

Finally.

I knew I couldn’t stay emotionless for long.

The sink of my heart started to fill again, but this time with regret, and depression. Starting from my gut it swirled up. But unlike the anger, which fired my veins, clarified every purpose and gave me courage, this weighed me down. Drowned me. Took everything and made it duller. Heavier. Clouded. I can't breathe. But everyone around me is breathing just fine.

I’m not a bad person.

I backed away from them towards the door.

SHINee’s Dream Girl played softly, still audible on the room’s surround sound.

The fight is over.

I give up.

I turned and ran.

A taxi driver waited outside the building on the street, smoking a cigarette.

I swear it’s the same one as last time.

His worried reaction to my wild breaths and tears confirms it.

Except this time, no one is chasing after me. 

I told him to get in the car and I got in the driver’s seat.

One by one I’d been losing friends. And now I’d just lost the most important person to me in the world. The person I’d always relied on. Just because she said a few words and did a few things when she was drunk.

No.

Drunk isn’t an excuse.

When people are drunk they lose their filter.

People are most honest, most sincere, when they’re drunk.

I put on my seatbelt and told him Sam’s address.

There’s only one person in this world who would take me now.

Take me in whatever state I’m in. The only person who understands the self-revulsion and emotional stress that comes from body issues. The only person who overcame those feelings and could be here for me now.

The taxi driver the radio, to break the awkward silence.

 예쁜말~ 

Oh hell no.

I reached over and slammed it off.

Silent tears fell the rest of the way to Sam’s apartment.

I gave him the last few bills in my back pocket.

Keep the change.

.

.

My phone.

I checked all my pockets.

I ran after the cab and forced the door open. It’s not there either.

.

It must have fallen out in the practice room.

A tinge of fear broke through the haze of regret, a streak of red amidst the gray backdrop of my emotions. But then disappeared. Just like every other feeling.

It’s not like I have anyone to call anyway.

I let the taxi driver leave and went up to Sam’s apartment.

I knocked on the door.

.

He’s not here.

I forgot.

.

He’s at the hotel.

With Emmaline and Chan.

Playing games and eating chicken. Completely oblivious to the fact that I just destroyed my oldest friendship, and possibly 13 others.

Maybe I have too many. Spread too thin. Getting too involved in others and forgetting to take care of my emotional health, leading to an explosion.

Maybe downsizing is best.

What time is it. He’ll be home eventually.

.

My phone is missing.

I put my back against his apartment door and let gravity bring me down. Until I was crouching above the unforgiving heartless tile floor.

I’ll just wait here.

“Ellie?” pressure on my arm.
“Elena?” more concern.

Light hit my eyelids.

My bottom was cold on this tile floor but my top was warm from the incoming sunlight.

“Oh my god,” Sam’s face filled my view.

A little bit of scruff. Tie loosened. The same blue one as yesterday.

He lifted me up by the shoulders, like a helpless baby.

He pulled out his keys and brought us in, setting me on the couch.

I’d slept some of it off, but I’m still not ok.

“Here,” some warm tea in my face.

I don’t want it.

He put it on the coffee table and sat next to me.

To have another human being there felt so good.

It doesn’t even matter who. Just to have a warm spirit nearby lifted my own.

His light green eyes searched me for signs of damage.

“What happened??” he said lifting my arms and turning my head.

“Did somebody hurt you?? Did you guys go out last night?? Why didn’t you call me??” his voice got more and more desperate. Begging for answers.

“I lost my phone,” I was able to choke out.

So no one had told him.

They’d given me the opportunity to explain myself first.

How kind.

“I’m fine, really.” I leaned on his shoulder. “Just let me lay here for a few minutes.”

Why couldn’t I be attracted to Sam.

He’s not an ugly guy. Even as an obese kid you could tell that beneath the pounds of body and regrets there was an attractive bright person. 

But that’s all it was for me. 

Why am I like this.

I’m such a bad person.

“Sam, are you ok?” I said after a few minutes.

“What do you mean, of course I’m ok. I’m worried about you!”
I put my head up.

“No. You’re not. You’re addicted again. You can’t hide it from me. What’s going on.”

He didn’t try to deny it. 

“You first.”

He turned his phone off and put it on the coffee table.

“Who made you cry? Who bothered you?” his expressed his emotion with his hands, “even if it’s a long story, tell me everything. Without leaving anything or anyone out.”

100% undivided attention.

I’m so lucky.

So I told him. I told him everything. From the beginning of meeting Vernon on the subway, to blowing up at Sav. I told him about my kind of dates and meaningless kisses. About late night closet conversations and being home with Emmaline. 

It took hours but when I finished, it was like I’d read a good book and put it back on the shelf. With ups and downs and twists--something to always remember--but just that. Just a story. Not real life.

He made grilled cheese and we ate it on the couch. I leaned on his shoulder.

Our relationship was so simple and pure.

“Now that I’ve spilled my heart out, it’s your turn.”

He put his sandwich down and brushed the crumbs off his shirt.

He’s getting a belly again.

Small, but when you go a year obsessing over each pound and centimeter, you notice.

“It’s Kimmy,” he muttered.
Kimmy?

Oh my god.

He still doesn’t know.

“Sam, I know something about Kimmy. I haven’t told you because I didn’t want to hurt you when you’re already hurting—“

“No Ellie, you don’t know,” he sat forward.

“Yes I do—“

“Elena…she’s…” he put his face in his hands… “she’s having suicidal thoughts.”

The air conditioner kicked in, blasting air on the table. A paper flew off.

What.

“She’ll call me. In the middle of the night. Asking me to come get her. To be with her.”

What.

“I haven’t been gaming Elena. I’ve been in Gangnam, holding Kimmy to sleep.”

Oh my god.

Why hasn’t she told me

“She feels like she lost all of her friends, like I’m the only one left,” he sighed.

He’s tearing up.

Oh my god.

“I don’t know why she had a falling out with you guys, but it’s literally…killing her.”

Oh my god.

“Sam—“ I put my hand on his arm.

“She sounds…a lot like you actually,” he stared into me, pieces clicking.

What.

I am not Kimmy.

I am not a delusional stalker.

I’m not obsessed with a Korean boy band.

I have friends.

I had friends.

“I lost my job,” he said angrily. “Because I had to skip so many days.”

Oh my god.

How could I have been so blind.

Here I was, worried about my own problems again. 

When bright optimistic lovely Sam was hurting.

More than me.

I just downloaded silly boy problems onto him while Kimmy is depressed and Sam is taking care of her.

“Sam…she thinks Mingyu is her brother.”

“What?” he put his head back.

“Because they have the same last name. She’s been stalking him. I’ve seen her.”

“You’re joking…”

“She thinks that eventually she’ll catch him going to his parents house, and she’ll be able to meet her parents.”

“What the f-“

Another piece of paper blew off the table.

Messed up.

The five of us used to understand each other. But now we are plain messed up. With only Sam tying us together.

I took the last bite of my grilled cheese.

“You should talk to her,” he said. “I think that will help a lot.”

I’m a horrible person. For not wanting to talk to her. Even when I knew it could help her.

“We just don’t know when our last time will be. And if something were to happen—I’d feel so guilty,” he started.

This isn’t his fault.

I'm so insensitive.

I don't want to confront her about this, but obviously I want her healthy and well.

“I’ll call her later,” I said. “For dinner or something.”

At this point, why not. 

It’s not like I have any other friends.

I leaned back on his shoulder.

“and remember I’ll always be right here,” he pointed to my chest. I looked down and he flipped his finger up my nose.

I hit him.

“I know,” I closed my eyes. Finally going to sleep.

It’s so cheesy.

But it’s true.