It’s really embarrassing that after all this time, I hadn't watched them perform. In fact, their entire professional life is largely a mystery. They’re just boys—nothing to scream over. 

Unless it’s Joshua. Let’s be honest I inwardly scream about him on a daily basis.

But outside, the screams are palpable. 

Backstage was a mess of people running around. Sprinting through the rafters in ponytails, shouting into walkie talkies.

I peeked around the corner. An outdoor stage, rain drizzling down on hundreds of girls in ponchos. How long have they waited there.

“They must love you a lot,” I said motioning to them, “to wait in the rain this long.”

“Not all of them are here for us,” Joshua shrugged.

I adjusted his black jacket collar. A woman shoved me out of the way to paint on more concealer, making his face an entirely different color than the rest of his body.

“Hey—“ he said pulling my arm. But she’d already run on to someone else.

“It’s ok,” I laughed. “It’s show business?”

Sav didn’t come. I heard her crying in the middle of the night. I her hair until I fell asleep. But this morning, her eyes were all puffy and she said she didn’t feel well enough to brave the rain. 

 

Wonwoo said he’d never hurt her.. 

Has any other guy ever said that to her?

 

“Seventeen standing by,” a woman yelled.

I jumped out of the way as they all came running from backstage.

They formed a tight circle and held each other’s arms.

“Say the name,” Seuncheol started, “Seventeen” they answered throwing their arms up. 

They’re so cute.

“Listen to the lyrics of the second song,” Joshua ran over. He kissed the top of my head and ran away just as quickly.

“You guys are disgusting,” Hampton said joining me on the side.

“Thanks,” I said. My heart raced—a warm spot where his lips had been. He needs to warn me before he does crap like that.

The stage was covered in a glassy sheet of water, with puddles forming at every dip in the tile. 

The song started. A heavy EDM sound. 

Wasn’t expecting that.

Mingyu looks like…a god. I can only picture him in his hairnet and apron. That is not the Mingyu I know.

“Wait what did Minghao just say?” I turned to Hampton.

“I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be what the funk…”

Oh my god. "It didn't sound like that."

The water slid around but somehow they stayed perfectly in sync.

“Who’s idea was it to have an outdoor stage?”

Hampton looked just as concerned.

“If a single one of them hurts themselves I’ll…” I looked around at the running staff, “find someone to complain to and complain. Loudly.”

They ended with their thumbs up. The same move Mingyu and Minghao kept making in the kitchen.

“Wow,” Hampton said. 

Screams. 

The next started—an upbeat funky original pop song. 

This is more like what I expected.

They danced awkwardly around each other. As if there was something supposed to be in the middle.

“should I take my heart out, to copy and paste on you?”

Oh my god.

He said that to me. 

That first night on the river.

“You ok?” Hampton asked grabbing my shoulder.

“What? Yeah, I’m fine.”

Why is my every emotion so visible to the world. Why can’t I just hide my feelings a little bit. Just once.

They got in a triangle formation and jumped in sync. 

“You are pretty.”

Oh my god.

This entire song—memories.

Vernon trying to buy me coffee.

Joshua paying for my cab.

This song.

My heart dropped to my feet and my fingers fell.

Guilt.

Every single line.

Guilt.

Deeper.

Guilt.

“Ellie…you sure you’re ok?”

“Hampton,” I turned. 

I’m crying.

Oh my god.

“I’m leaving.”

“What?”

Screams as the song ended and they ran off stage.

“Did you like it?” Vernon’s mop of brown hair stuck to his face and his black sweatshirt had soaked through.

“Yeah it was great,” I said not making eye contact.

Hampton gave Seungkwan a big hug and they delved into their little world.

“Did you recognize some of the lyrics?”

Water dripped off his lashes, like raindrops spilling down a leaf.

Stop.

“…I think so…”

“Hey I was about to ask the same thing…” Joshua ran over, white t-shirt sticking in good places.

“You ok?” he came over and wiped a betraying tear. 

“Yeah…it’s just the rain. I stepped outside by accident.”

“So your fans must be young! They called you Dino Oppa…” Sam said putting an arm around Chan’s shoulder. Chan is the little brother Sam always wanted. The one he almost had. Before the accident.

“Yes it’s weird,” he stretched, “but I think it fits me.”

I can’t leave this. 

Family. Friendship. Crush. Love? Maybe. 

I can’t leave this.

I grabbed Joshua’s waist and put my head on his chest. His wet shirt wiping off my tears.

“Hey,” he laughed pulling me back.

There’s other groups around.

I can’t leave this.

 

___________________________________________________

 

I should have spent the rest of that week with everyone, making more memories. But what’s the point? What’s the point when you’re going to have to leave them soon? 

I sat in the hotel room with Sav for a couple of days knitting. She blamed it on cramps, but it wasn’t just that. Hampton stayed with us, marathoning a drama and ordering in. 

We were able to get into their MCountdown comeback stage, but the other shows were strict and wouldn’t let anyone besides "official fans" and staff in. I’ll just get a private show later then. Fine.

Sam was gone most of the time. He said he was at work. But some nights he didn’t come home, and he’d be wearing the same tie multiple days in a row. I need to talk to him.

Joshua texted me all the time, and each time I got shorter with him. Because what is there to say.

I decided to fake an emergency. A last minute ticket that I couldn’t deny. Maybe they’d hate me less.

I spent May 2 packing. Everything of the past two years amounted to two suitcases.

Sam came over that night for pizza. He hadn’t shaved in a few days.

I pretended to get a call from mom that required me to run into the bathroom. I talked to myself, as if in a distressful conversation, about going home. 

I started crying. Because here I was faking an excuse to go home. Lying to my best friends. Lying to my new friends. All because I was too afraid to tell them. 

Because if I told them what would happen.

They’d either tell me to go, and I’d feel unwanted.

Or tell me to stay, and I’d feel conflicted.

Best not to give them the opportunity to voice an opinion.

“Sam,” I came out of the bathroom tearing up. Real tears. “Please message that group chat you're in. Tell them I have to leave... tomorrow.”

A chorus of whats. Hampton dropped his pizza.

“Emmaline’s cancer…it’s gotten worse.”

“Oh.”

You can’t really argue with that. Sav is basically family. But Emmaline and I are on the same health insurance. Sav is family by choice. Emmaline is family by duty.

I’m such a horrible person oh my god.

“Um…ok…” he pulled out his phone.

“Tell them that my mom booked me a flight home. My sister’s cancer got worse overnight. I have no choice. My flight is in 6 hours.”

“6 hours??” 

Don’t look at him. 

I knelt next to him on the ground.

Immediately  dozens of buzzes. Lots of frowns and ㅠㅠ.

Sam let me hold his phone.

 

Sam: hey so…Ellie is leaving Korea…

Hoshi: WHAT

Seokmin: NOW??

Wonwoo: why…?

Hoshi: but

Dino: ㅠㅠ

SC: where???

Hoshi: I want to show her my shinee cover ㅠㅠ

Wonwoo: is sav too?

SC: answer my question where is she going

Jun: Ellie! What!

Mingyu: wait…

SC: ANSWER ME SAM

Sam: Just Ellie. She’s going home to America. Her mom called her just now. Her sister is sick.

Mingyu: wait…

Minghao: Ellie, come back soon!

Dino: but

Seungkwan: I’m going to miss you so much ㅠㅠ

Hoshi: I worked so hard on it…

Mingyu: but I want to show her how to do her hair…

SC: that still doesn’t really answer my question

Woozi: thank you for everything

Dino: no goodbye even?

 

There’s only one person who knew I was lying. 

Only one person who could help me.

 

My phone buzzed.

Only For Emergencies: what’s your play here Converse

Elena: can you do me a favor?

Only For Emergencies: depends

Elena: can you sneak out and help bring my stuff to the airport?

Only For Emergencies: …why don’t you ask Joshua?

 

Joshua had seen the group messages, but didn’t say anything.

 

Elena: I can’t.

 

5 minutes passed.

 

Only For Emergencies: you have to be there 4 hours early. Which means you should have left 30 minutes ago.

Elena: I know

Only For Emergencies: we’re prerecording tomorrow. 

Elena: I know

Only For Emergencies: you think you can just do this? We’re in the middle of a comeback Elena.

Elena: I know

Elena: It’s an emergency.

 

—-

Saying goodbye to Sam, Hampton, and Sav was ok. They knew about Emmaline. Sam was going to be in Korea as long as he kept his job. Sav and Hampton were…attached…and therefore staying an indeterminate amount of time.

Their parents could afford it.

And one day they’d go back to America. Vernon was right. Life may separate us, but we’d never stop being friends.

Whether I came back to Korea and saw them, or they came home and saw me, either way it wasn’t goodbye. At the end of the day they were normal people. We had normal problems. Problems we could always relate to.

Saying goodbye to the boys however was terrible.

They’re idols. Korean idols. They’ll only get more and more popular. They’re incredibly talented. They’ll scoop up awards, and soon starting acting and hosting shows. Then they’ll date beautiful Korean girls and live happily ever after.

Maybe one day they’ll look back on the 4 months where they knew a silly foreign girl. She up and left them without saying goodbye. Because she’s incompetent and pathetic.

I was never good enough for them.

I never deserved Mingyu’s kimchi soup or Hoshi’s Shinee dance covers or Joshua’s hand. 

Joshua.

I never got to kiss him.

 

Elena: hey

Shua: hey

Elena: I’m sorry

Shua: you couldn’t say goodbye?

Elena: I am now

I pictured his face. I know what he looks like. I know that his eyes are down, his creases folded over. I know that one hand is on his forehead as he stares at the messages. I know that the other is twirling his cross earring. I know that he’s wondering what to say. Because he was never really good at that.

 

Shua: I can’t come to the airport. 

 

My heart sank. Why won’t he chase after me. Tell me to stay. Please. Beg me to stay.  

He started writing and then deleted it--those three little gray dots. Four times.

 

Shua: God be with you till we meet again Elena

_________________

 

I met Vernon at the luggage storage place outside the subway. 

He took one of my bags without making eye contact, without saying a word.

In a black mouth mask and beanie, he was virtually unrecognizable.

He wasn’t sad. He was angry.

I had been hoping that he had dragged Joshua with him.

But he hadn't.

 

The street lamps shot dashes of light across our bus seats as we went over the river. 

The same bridge Joshua and I played hashtag.

My eyes were stinging. 

Ducts don't fail me now. 

We're supposed to be a team.

 

“They’re on their way to the prerecording now,” Vernon said.

I looked out the window nodding, as the sun rose over the bridge.

“As in, they think I spent all night at the studio practicing and will meet them at SBS.”

I splayed out my fingers, one nail torn off from carrying the suitcase.

He leaned his head on the head rest.

“I almost sent your boyfriend after you. But you said it was an emergency.”

If only he had. 

“If Joshua came…I wouldn’t be able to leave,” I whispered.

“But you can leave if it’s me?”

I swallowed. 

Don’t look at him.

 

He helped me get off the bus and check in. He brought me to security. All silent.

Suddenly he pulled his face mask down around his neck.

“So…you’re never coming back?” he asked.

His eyes cast down, lashes splayed. 

They’re so different from Joshua’s. 

I was wrong. He wasn’t angry.

He’s hurt.

“I want to come back. As soon as I can. It’s just my sister—“

“Don’t lie to me Elena,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re leaving because you’re scared,” such harsh words coming out of such a sad and pretty face.

“I’m not scared,” I put down my purse, “I have duties. I have my family.”

He nodded. “But I know you. When you’re determined to do something, you find a way to do it.”

That may be true.

“So I know that if you truly wanted to stay in Korea. You would have found a way. A way to get the best of everything you wanted,” his eyes drove into mine, “or at least told everyone weeks ago. So we could help you find a way.”

I’m tearing up not because he’s mean but because he’s right.

I’m scared of losing Emmaline.

And I’m scared of losing Joshua.

There has to be a way to have both. But I don’t know how. And the fact that I haven’t figured out how, means that I’d rather take the easy way. I’d rather go back to my simple life the way it was—before I met a cute boy on the subway. Because the feelings of the last couple of months have been overwhelming and I’m not built to handle emotional stress. Time to go back to normal. Time to let life take me back to normal, instead of fighting for it to be exceptional. 

 

I didn’t reply, but reached into my bag and found it.

“A  beanie,” he laughed. 

So good to see his face light again.

“I didn’t actually expect one.”

 

I have to do something.

I failed to kiss Joshua. 

But there’s still time to do something else.

I stood on my tiptoes and pulled off his black beanie.

His hair stuck up all over the place and he went to slam it back down.

“Stop,” I grabbed his wrists.

I’m just so curious.

I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair.

Just once.

Like the luscious Ritz carpet, as if every strand was facing the correct direction, coated in fine silk.

I was right.

I slid the beanie on his head.

“What?” I said laughing.

“What are you doing?”

“I just wanted to touch your hair. Judge me.”

“Done.”

 

People started to fill the huge terminal. Voted the nicest airport in the world, it holds my happiest welcome. Korea--where I'd always wanted to visit. And now, its rafters will hold my hardest goodbye.

Waiting for someone—anyone—to text me and offer a solution. 

For mom to call and say the flight was canceled.

Or for Joshua.

For Joshua to come running in the front doors and kiss me and beg me to stay.

Isn't that what nice boys are supposed to do.

But he wasn’t coming.

And he wasn’t going to.

 

“You should go Elena,”  Vernon picked up my purse and put it on my shoulder. Tingles where his fingers slid. Just for a second.

Stop. 

 

“You’re not going to ask me to stay?”

Where did that come from.

Am I that desperate.

“You want to stay?” he asked confused.

Do I?

"No," I sighed.

"Nevermind."

 

--end of part 1--