.

I leapt back and hit my head on the wall. Hard.

Praise this foam or I’d have a cracked skull.

Joshua looked incredulously at the window, hands still shaped like he’s holding me.

The room spun.

“Seriously, I’m in the bathroom for 15 minutes and people come in taking over my recording room smacking each other—“ a little pink Woozi strode into the room.

Joshua looked at me and laughed, putting his head in his hands.

I’m hysterical. I—what am I supposed to do. Where is the emergency exit sign.

I’m about to throw up the pizza. I can feel it in my throat.

I pushed past both of them, laughing and ran down the stairs.

I’m laughing so hard I’m crying this is too much I can’t take this many emotions at once.

“Elena, where are you going?” footsteps on the stairs behind me.

I pushed the door open—still dark. Only a few cars on the road, and conveniently a taxi driver, leaning against his car, lighting a cigarette.

It’s like fat camp all over again where I’m running awkwardly for no reason, yelling at people.

I grabbed the front door, “quick I have to go!” I laughed. He hurriedly snuffed out his cigarette on the hood and went around.

“Elena, are you ok?” someone grabbed my wrist as I was getting in, “Jesus, you’re fast.”

“I’m ok, I’m just scared out of my mind.”

What. 

Why did I say that.

I’m not scared—I’m excited and thrilled and just so happy to be alive. Even though I hadn’t kissed him, the rush was like I had.

His face was full of concern. 

He needs to know he didn’t do anything wrong. But he also needs to know that I need time to process what just happened because I’m a crazy person who can’t keep it together.

“I’m so sorry Elena I didn’t mean to hurt you or anything—I thought”

The poor dear. 

But I can’t breathe let alone speak properly.

So instead I just shook my head, smiling like an idiot.

He needs to know.

I couldn’t look him in the eye.

But I could look at his flushed face.

Standing halfway in the taxi, I stood on my tip toes and just lightly put my lips on his cheek.

Barely a brush even, but enough to feel the salt sting my lips.

“I have to go, but, I’ll text you later.”

I got in the car, slammed the door, and told the driver to go to Sinchon station step on it because my heart can't slow down.

I did look around once, to see his arm raise and smile stupidly after the car.

________________________________________________________

It was a good 20 seconds of scrolling to the bottom.

Sav: Elena, you are not acting nearly excited enough about the fact that Hampton and I will be arriving in Korea in two days.

What? . I scrolled back up to the pictures to see that yep—Hampton had purchased a ticket too and they were coming in the day after tomorrow.

I’m such a horrible friend.

Elena: omg I’m so sorry. The past couple of days have been so insane. 

Hampton: more insane than us?

Elena: you don’t even know. I’ll have to tell you in person.

Sav: well don’t worry. If you scroll up you’ll see that I booked Hampton and I a suite at the Ritz. We have one way tickets~

Kimmy: wow wish I could hear the story

Shua: so…woozi agreed that he wouldn’t tell anyone in exchange for the rest of the pizza.

How can one person, physically far away, also have so much impact on my body.

We pulled next to the station, I handed the driver my last cash, and started my way home. It doesn’t even matter than I’m broke. I literally don’t care about anything right now.

Elena: haha good. I’m sorry I just. I’m a mess.

Shua: no problem~ I’m a mess now too to be honest :)

Oh my god.

Sav: Can you to bring Kai with you to the airport. I have a lot of stuff.

Hampton: what about wonwoo?

Sav: Yes bring him too.

Hampton: and also bring Seungkwan. My hand needs help getting there.

Elena: I’ll see what I can do haha

So many worlds colliding. How do I handle them all.

I climbed the 5 flights of stairs taking my keys out, and bumped into someone.

“Oh sorry,” I mumbled.

“Hey! I was looking for you!”

Vernon? What is he doing here.

“Hey…what are you doing here?”

“Oh, um…” he took off his black beanie, smoothed his hair, and put it back on. The smell of his shampoo escaped and wafted down. Fresh with soft hint of strawberry. Does it feel as soft as it smells. Stop.

“Seriously it’s 5am.”

“Yeah, I took the first subway. There’s something really important I need to tell you. About Sam.”

Sam?

More worlds colliding. I may as well accept that my korean boy band world and my real life world have molded into one. This is difficult seeing as I will have to shortly separate them when I go home. But for now, there’s just no stopping it.

“The real question is, why are you just getting in at 5am?” He asked as I put the key code in. He followed me to my little room.

“Are you ok?”

“Um…more or less…” the recording room. Joshua’s hand on my back.

“You’re not going to tell me where you were?” He asked. I sighed deeply and shoved the door open.

“Ok, well as long as you're ok now. I just don’t want to have to save you again.” he said sitting down on my chair.

I really just need to be alone right now. Stare at the wall. Knit another scarf. For like 3 days. But that’s not going to happen. At least it’s Sunday.

I could just tell Vernon to leave. But if it’s about Sam. Sam I can focus on. He’s important.

I sat on my bed and leaned my head against the wall. My phone was buzzing in my pocket. 

“Don’t worry I’ll leave soon. I just, needed to tell you this. And it’s Sunday, which I usually have off, but I’m exhausted, so I wanted to tell you this now before I forgot.”

“Why didn’t you just text me?” That may have been little harsh.

“Because I wanted to tell you in person!” he said pulling on his hoodie chords, biting his lips.

I’m only half here. But I’m trying. 

“It’s just…I’m a little worried. About Sam I mean.”  He the scarf still sitting on my desk.

“I think he’s really cool, and he gets along well with us. I didn’t think it was possible to make another guy friend seeing as I already have too many in my life,” he said laughing, “but he’s one of us now.”

“Ok…” these jeans are uncomfortable. 

“So we’re at the company most days as you know, but every time I come back to my apartment, he’s there playing Call of Duty or whatever.”

Oh.

“No it’s ok! I really don’t mind that he’s at my place! I gave him the key code and everything,” he backtracked.

“But I just worry that it’s every time. Like—all the time.”

Other thoughts leave.

Oh no. 

“And…the clothes I saw him in yesterday, were the same he was in on Wednesday.”

Oh no.

How could I have missed the signs.

I’m supposed to be there for him.

So caught up in a fairy tale romance that I’d forgotten my responsibility. My friend.

“Are you ok?” 

I put my head in my hands. 

Focus Ellie.

“Yeah…I’ll go talk to him.

“Ok. I don’t know if it’s anything. I just thought, maybe something is wrong, and maybe you should know.”

The air conditioner kicked in. Praise.

“No, thanks for telling me,” I looked at him for the first time. His eyes are so much lighter than Joshua’s. You can see the difference between his pupils and his irises. And those lashes. They curl up to his eyebrows instead of out to the creases. Making his eyes rounder instead of wider like Joshua's.

Stop Ellie stop.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how do you guys know each other anyway?” he asked putting his small feet up on my bed.

I really need to be alone right now. But I also need to be there for Sam. Vernon doesn’t need to know this. I didn’t tell Joshua. But maybe he should know. 

“Sam was….my FCC.”

“FCC?”

“Yeah, my fat camp crush,” I smiled grabbing a picture off the shelf.

“What???” Vernon laughed slapping his leg. “What does that even mean???”

I turned the picture around. It’s the one of a very large Sam, and a very large me, with our arms around each other’s shoulders.

He took the picture and laughed. Shoulders shaking laugh.

“What is this?” he smiled looking up at me.

“It’s a picture of a very happy pair at fat camp.”

“I’m just—“

“We are kind of the…golden examples of this camp. We went to the camp fat, sad and lonely. And now we’re skinny, happy, and together”

“What??” he just kept laughing

“Don’t laugh at us ok,” I took it from him. I know it’s funny.

“I’m so—“
“I’m serious. There’s like, before and after pictures of us on their ads now.” Praise for those royalties. Otherwise we really wouldn’t be able to afford Emmaline’s chemo.

Emmaline.

What am I doing. I’m so stupid. Flipping over a pretty kpop idol I’m saying goodbye to very shortly while my little sister’s cancer has recurred for the fifth time. I’m so selfish. I should go home sooner. But Hampton and Sav…

“now?”

“Hm,”

“I thought you said you weren’t together now?” he said.

“We’re not. We never were ‘together’. We just crushed. And then we got skinny,” I said, rubbing his smiling face in a baggy camp t-shirt with my thumb. “We had always talked about starting over, a completely new life, in completely new bodies. He and I. So we graduated, and went to the other side of the world, to get away from all the preconceived notions our families and friends had of about us and…did that,” my heart sank a bit. “He’s the only one who gets what it’s like, to be trapped like that, so he’ll always be a part of me.” 

I looked at the picture more. For an obese kid, Sam was pretty cute.

“So…how long did you date for?” Vernon asked looking very confused.

“I told you, we never dated. We never even kissed. We came here and realized that there are a lot more proverbial fish in the sea, and now that we were normal weight, there were other normal weighted people actually attracted to us,” I sighed putting the picture back on the shelf. “We were each other’s default for 13 months. And now we aren’t.”

He definitely seemed a little heavier yesterday. But nothing to be concerned about. I’m supposed to keep track of him. I’m supposed to be there for him. He’s falling back into his old habits. 

“You’re sure?” Vernon asked.

“Yes,” I laughed, “I’m sure.”

Enough of this talk.

“Hey, I told you my friends are coming into town right?” 

“No you didn’t! The hot girl Wonwoo likes?”

A split of fire down my chest. Sav is taken. 

I'm taken too.

“Um…yeah. That’s Sav. And my friend Hampton.”

“Well, they have to come over asap. Wonwoo needs to meet his Bayonsee.”

I laughed. Wonwoo. I miss him.

“Monday-Saturday we’re super busy. I think we’re actually flying to Jeju for a photo shoot this week”

“Oohhh Jeju Island…” I sat back against the wall.

Think about Sam later. Then think about Emmaline. Then think about Joshua.

Joshua.

Joshua’s hands.

“Sunday night”

“Hm?”

“How about you all come over next Sunday night?” he laughed.

“Yeah ok, that’s fine.”

My phone kept buzzing. I want to check it so bad. Maybe it’s Joshua telling me to meet him in some dark corner and continue where we left off

“ok?”

“yeah.”

“Well. I can tell you’re tired so I’ll get going.” 

Dark corner of an alley? Under a tree? Maybe another room in the company building?

“Converse! Ellie!” hands in front of my face.

“oh yeah?”

“Get some sleep,” he laughed. “I’ll, um, look forward to Sunday.” He opened his mouth as if to say something else, but shook his head and left. The fresh scent left with him, leaving the room damp and humid.

I pulled out my phone. 

A text I’d missed from earlier.

Only For Emergencies: hey are you awake? I need to tell you something. I’m coming over.

So many things to say to so many people.

But first.

Elena: Sam-- Sav and Hampton are coming in on Tuesday. You’re coming with me to get them.

And then

Sav: my hair dryer, my straightener, my eyeshadow palette, my eyelash curler, my heated eyelash curler

Hampton: wtf why do you need so much makeup

Sav: because what if I run into Kai?

Sav: or Wonwoo?

Hampton: you lived here for two years and didn’t run into Kai

Hampton: you’re not going to run into him now

Elena: Sam and I will pick you guys up. Don’t bring too much Sav, Wonwoo likes natural girls haha

And finally

Elena: So I totally forgot that Sav and Hampton were coming in this week. I’m excited for you to meet them haha

Shua: Wow! I'm excited too! Any friend of yours is a friend of mine :)

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a/n I'm gonna be super busy this weekend so don't worry I haven't died. thanks for sticking with me. :)