Reviewer: Moelolz

Story Link: Here 

Title [5/10]

Unfortunately, I am not a big fan of your title. For me, it does not really give strength to your plot so that when I revisit your title after reading your story, there’s a feeling of deeper understanding of what you’re trying to portray. Though I understand why you chose the title, what with Victoria having that “I’ll have what I want to” attitude, but I don’t see enough of that persona in your story. This then causes your title to seem weaker since the theme of “crown princesses getting what they want” isn’t as strongly portrayed in your story – but I’ll go over this more in the lower sections.

One other thing, is that I find this title a little bit of a mouthful. Personally, I have no objections towards long titles, but I know many people don’t like them, so perhaps for your next story, you could aim for a shorter title to appeal to the wider audience. Another negative of long titles is that it’s not as memorable as the shorter ones – of course, it is possible for long titles to appear very powerful and strong, but that’s not the case most of the time.

Description and Foreword [8/10]

When looking at the description & foreword of a story, I review it from two aspects: the layout and design of it, and the content of your description.

In regarding to the layout and design, I think it’s decently laid out, what with it being quite neat and easy to understand. I also really like your poster – I think it compliments your story perfectly well, and is quite pleasant to see first thing when I open the webpage to your story. On a personal level though, I would’ve preferred a more aesthetically driven layout. Right now, your description is readable, but in my opinion, rather plain. I would like to see a background, perhaps a more artistic font, colours (don’t overuse colours though, I just mean more variation of colours), and perhaps even page breakers. Your story gives off a more historical and gothic kind of mood, so perhaps you can design your description to give off that sort of aura – the way your story looks actually can enhance the emotions your readers feel when they read your story. Another thing, is that you pasted the entire link in your foreword, which makes it seem a little messy and long. I would suggest that you hyperlink instead so I don’t see a long line of web url which takes away marks from the design of the foreword.

In regards to content, there’s not much problems with your description. Grammatically though, and sentence structure wise, I think there can be improvements made. I’ll just revise a little bit of your description below, and you can see if you like it or not:

Original:
As the vampire crown princess, Victoria has all power to choose her future husband on her own. But the vampires who are the same age as her, don't bother her much. A vampire six years younger than her - in human age -, mature, but with a childlike nature, catches her attention. He is taken by her best friend Ren, but it does not keep her from getting what she wants.

Revised:

As the vampire crown princess, Victoria has all the power to choose her future husband on her own. But the vampires who are the same age as her don’t interest her much, instead, Victoria yearns for a vampire six years younger than her( - in human age** -???), mature, but with a childlike nature. Unfortunately, he is taken by her best friend Ren, but it does not keep her from getting what she wants.

**I’m not sure if this part is necessary. I don’t think it matters whether we know if it’s human age or not, and it only makes everything more confusing and complicated if you make differences between vampire age and human age. I would only suggest that sort of thing if the story contains both humans and vampires, but in your story, it is based purely on vampires so I don’t see the necessity of it.

 Plot [8/15]

Generally speaking, the plot is decently written, and does contain its good points. There are some sweet moments in there that I enjoyed, but I did feel like there were other parts of your plot which could be revised further to make it even more enjoyable.

Firstly, I would like to just briefly go back to the title, and its relation with your plot. Now, as I mentioned before in the title section, I did not feel that the “crown princess getting their way” motif was strong enough to allow the title to stand as firmly as it could. This is because, the problems are too easily resolved. Selfishness only comes out when there are conflictions, and if not enough tension is happening, then the idea of Victoria being selfish would appear to be weak. Since if everything is already going her way by itself, then what reason does she have to actually try hard to snatch what she wants away from its place?

In my opinion, Tao is too compliant and nice to Victoria although she deliberately broke him up with Ren. He basically allowed her to do whatever she wanted to him (even if Victoria did drug him, and she had this magical kiss), but even when they’re not kissing, Tao readily agrees to the marriage. I think it would be more appropriate, and realistic to let Tao be a bit more angry and nasty about this whole situation. He should be giving Victoria the cold shoulder and doing everything he could to run away from her – like this, not only will more drama and tension be created, but the idea of Victoria really being the selfish, spoilt vampire princess would come through more as she stubbornly, and cruelly attempts to claim Tao as her own. In your story, I didn’t really feel like Victoria snatched Tao away from Ren, but instead, I felt it was more like Tao and Victoria betraying Ren together.

Putting that aside, I also felt like Victoria’s sudden shift of attention towards Tao was a little sudden. All of a sudden, she just decided that she would marry Tao – but, based on what? I think more detail can be put in on how her mind worked, why did she decide on Tao if she just wanted to find a guy that would (quote) ‘make her dad proud and happy?’ First of all, Tao is younger than her, and as you said before, she would most likely be looked down upon if she married him. Secondly, Tao is Ren’s lover, and I hardly think stealing someone else’s lover is something to be proud of. Thirdly, it isn’t mentioned beforehand that Victoria is madly in love with Tao, only that she found him attractive so why must it be Tao? In my mind, perhaps Baekhyun would be a more suitable choice for marriage. Thus, I think more details on why Victoria chose Tao should be added in the story so your readers are given a clear reason why Tao was the chosen one.

Character Development [7/10]

There are evident characterization in your story. Victoria being the selfish, confident princess, Tao being the mature one and Ren, in my opinion, being quite emotional and sensitive. But, I don’t think these characteristics were brought out enough, and I think more detail could be put in to further draw out these personalities. For instance, Victoria can be a bit more spoilt and act more brash and sassy – she could refuse to apologize to Ren, or make a big deal about it to showcase that ‘I don’t care what anything thinks’ attitude, hence allowing her persona to come through more.

Other than that, there really isn’t too much of a problem with your characterization.  

Writing Style [18/20]

You have an enjoyable writing style. There are uses of descriptive words, and I found quite a few phrases in there that I enjoyed. Once again, I do think that there could be more detail in your writing – not that you don’t have any right now, but I think you could just think a bit deeper and go into more detail with either personality, plot or even just descriptions.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [22/25]

Generally speaking, your story flows well, but along the way, I found a few mistakes here and there. I’ll just go over a few of them below, for the rest, I suggest you either proof-read it again or find a beta-reader to do it for you:

Original: “No, Princess, daddy still has enough time to watch you take the crown, and to bare my beautiful grandchildren.”

Revised: “No, Princess, daddy still has enough time to watch you take the crown, and to bear my beautiful grandchildren.”

Original: Victoria would lie if she said she has not once laid her eyes on the tall vampires with the confident eyes.

Revised: Victoria would lie if she said she has not once laid her eyes on the tall vampire with the confident eyes. 

Original: “I apology, daddy.”

Revised: “I apologize, daddy.”

Original: It appears that Victoria’s and Tao’s outburst washed Ren’s head as he tries over and over to apologize to Victoria.

Revised: It appears that Victoria’s and Tao’s outburst finally got to Ren’s head as he tries over and over again to apologize to Victoria.

Also, I saw that you added in few Chinese words and phrases in your sentences. For some of them, you wrote it in its pingying, but for the rest, you wrote it in its actual character form. I suggest that you uniform it, whether it be in pingying or character form. I also suggest that you include its definition right after the word instead of adding asterisks, because it makes it hard for the reader to match the definition at the end of the page with the Chinese phrases. I know how to read Chinese so it wasn’t too much of a trouble for me, but even so, I still found the asterisks appear to be a little messy aesthetically. Henceforth, I’ll suggest something like this:

人生不可能总是一帆风顺  (Life is not always so smooth)

Personal Enjoyment [4/10]

Unfortunately, I was unable to enjoy your story. Partly because of the homoual pairing in your story, and partly because I felt that not enough detail was given to many parts of your story. I hope that you are not too offended by this, and please understand that I’m here to give you my own personal opinion of your story so please just take what you agree upon and apply it to your story. It’s alright if you don’t agree with anything I wrote in this review (I hope that’s not the case though haha), but I do hope from the bottom of my heart that this review was helpful to you in anyway. Thank you, and good luck with your other stories!

Final Score [72/100]