Reviewer: Moelolz

Story Link: Here 

Title [5/10]

Though I can see the relevance between your title and your plot, but I wouldn’t exactly deem it as the best title for your story. I understand that by now it’s too late to fix your title, but I hope you can take the suggestions that I’ll give below as references for your future titles:

1. Firstly, I think it’s important to set the title according to the genre and mood of your story. Though this really should be mentioned in the “plot section” but since it’s related to your title, I’ll talk about it now. I noticed in your foreword, and in your tags that you made this story a combination of romcom and angst. Now don’t get me wrong, I think it’s perfectly fine to have this combination, and a lot of people do write in this combination, but it is important when doing so to pick a main genre to stick to. For instance, if I was to write in angst and romcom as a combination, then I would pick, say, angst as my main mood and occasionally put in some comedy for relief. If I were to balance romcom and angst 50/50, personally I would find it weird to read since they are two contrasting genres, and I would find it hard as a reader to fully delve into your story due to the inconsistency of mood. Thankfully, I didn’t find that happening in your story. However, I did find that the angst side of your story outbalances the comedy side- what with all the mental diseases and attempt and heartbreaks in your plot, they are all very strong angst themes which easily tops over the comedic side of your story. In that regards, I then find your title slightly unfitting for your story. Your title is very light-hearted, and can be easily depicted as a title for a romcom plot, but since your plot towers more towards the angst side, a contrast is then created between your title and the mood of your story.
    

    

2. Secondly, your title is rather clichéd. I typed your title into the search bar, and immediately, tons of similar titles popped out. I’m not saying a clichéd title is bad – but, an original title would do better I reckon. The only instance I would use a clichéd title is when I’m absolutely certain that this title is the perfect title for the story, but otherwise, I would try to think of another title that isn’t as overused. One trick I use when I think of a new title is to type it into the search bar – and if the exact same title pops out, then I would think of a new one. By doing this, I can make sure that at least my title is unique in Asianfanfics.

    

Description and Foreword [6/10]

Before I start on the suggestions I’ll be giving you, I’d like to point out the merits in your description/foreword: I liked how neatly it’s set out – visually, it makes me feels comfortable, and you have quite an adorable poster as well as a clean background that didn’t distract me when I was reading your story. The content of your description is OK as well, but I think there could be some slight improvements made to it.

Let’s talk about your preview first:

Firstly, it would be good to correct the grammar and punctuation errors in your foreword, especially since it is a preview so potential readers would be judging your story based on that preview. Not all readers do, but some will be put off by the errors in your grammar, and choose not to read your story. I’ll correct the grammatical errors of your preview in the ‘Spelling, Grammar and Diction’ section.

Secondly, perhaps you could add a blurb as well instead of just having a preview? The reason why I’m suggesting for you to add in a blurb is because your preview gives off the idea that the whole story revolves around the idea of their arranged marriage – but in actual reality, it doesn’t. The arranged married theme only takes up the first half of the story, but the second half quickly turns a different direction and goes darker. In order to avoid unexpected surprises (In which I got), I think it would be nice to leave a hint in your description. It’s harder to leave hints in previews, but if you write a blurb, then there is plenty of space to tell your readers of the dark turn that the story will turn. For example, you can add sentences such as the example below in your blurbs as hints:

Example: Will Naeul be able to overcome the challenges that was to come after marrying Kyungsoo?

There are many other ways to leave hints in your blurb, and if you agree with me on this suggestion, then feel free to private message me afterwards and perhaps we could work on a blurb together?

Next, I would like to discuss your Character section with you:

Personally, I am not a reviewer picky on character descriptions in your foreword, but only if the descriptions are kept to a bare minimum. Information such as the character’s age, name or occupation is OK for me in character descriptions, but any more than that would be deemed unnecessary and inappropriate. Why? Because things such as the character’s personality, their background, and the people surrounding them…these are things that your readers are meant to find out through reading your story. If you spell it out to them in your character descriptions, then that takes away the reader’s opportunity to find out these traits through your writing, and trust me, discovering a character’s persona through a story is way more interesting and enjoyable then having it spelt out for you.

One more thing, I’m not sure if it’s because of my old and almost dying computer (I need to get a new computer already haha), but the pictures you put up of your character’s don’t show for me. I know through experience that sometimes pictures I put on my foreword disappear because it was deleted from its original source, so maybe it would be good to change the photos if this is the case?

Plot [11/15]

Before I continue on with anything, I would once again like to comment on the parts that I liked in your plot. It was nice to see that the general flow of your story was logical and decent, and there were moments in your story which I enjoyed as well. It was also nice that there were deeper themes in your story.

On the other hand, there are some things in your plot that I would perhaps like to point out for you to think about as well:

1. In terms of Naeul falling in love with Kyungsoo - I felt like not enough was given to me for me to fully accept the fact that she loves him. Yes, I can agree that she likes him, or hold attractions for him– but not enough has happened for her to love him. Though you did write moments where her heart fluttered or she felt embarrassed by Kyungsoo’s kindness or looks, but they are at best feelings of like. Love is something deeper – something created with a lot of time, or through overcoming obstacles together.  At the start when you wrote that she loved him, she only spent dates with him – she only experienced the good things about Kyungsoo, but have not yet seen the real him. I can’t call that love, but only feelings of attraction or like. So in this context, I would like to recommend that perhaps if you were to rewrite this story one day, maybe change the word from love to like, then slowly develop her feelings of love for Kyungsoo after they get married.
    

    

2. I felt like Naeul got too comfortable around Suho too quickly – especially since he almost her. It was good that you inputted scenes of her having nightmares, and depicted her frightened state when she escaped from Suho, but I felt like there should be more struggles and more caution in Naeul when she, for instance, went on the plane alone with the guy. I also would’ve liked to see her more frightened when she accidentally met Suho in the shopping market, instead of her calling out to him, and next thing you know, they were talking about her sister as if he never attempted her at all. Despite her kindness which allowed her to forgive him, but trauma is a very terrifying thing – it haunts you whether or not you like it, and even the kindest person would have trouble getting over that trauma. I find it odd how quick she was able to recover, so I would suggest you slightly alter that scene when she first saw Suho, and input more of the struggles she would’ve been feeling.

    

Character Development [4/10]

Personally, I couldn’t find characterization in your story – much less character development. The only hints I have of your character’s personality is through the descriptions you gave out in your foreword. Throughout your story, you didn’t tell me what kind of person your characters were – all I knew was what they did, or the emotions they felt due to the events that was happening around them. But in the end, when I think back to your characters, I still don’t really know what kind of person they are.

For instance, in your foreword, you mentioned that Kyungsoo was a cold person – but I couldn’t sense the coldness in him. Instead, I felt that he was friendlier than cold with how kind he was treating Naeul, or his warm gestures of expressing that he missed her when they first met. How was he cold? Why was he cold? What caused him to become a cold person? These are all elements I was curious about, but didn’t get to understand. I’ve written this in another one of my reviews before, but I’ll put it here again because I think it’ll be helpful. I’ve written a short guideline on how to work on characterization – have a look at it, and see whether it’s of any help to you. These are the three aspects that I always consider when building a character:

1. Reflect the character’s personality through their physical appearance. So, generally speaking, someone thin and sickly tends to have a weak, nerdy personality – or a strong, well-built person would appear confident and popular. Or, alternatively, you could contrast the personality and physical appearance to give it that extra edge. For instance, it’s really popular in thriller novels/movies to have the friendly person no one suspects to turn out as the mastermind criminal.
    

    

2. Their speech and actions. This is perhaps the most important in terms of characterization. Whilst your personality may reflect in your outer appearance, it is not always the case. But, the way one speaks and acts is a direct reflection of their personality. So, if your character’s meant to be cold – then make it so that she doesn’t smile at people and that she speaks in short, curt sentences etc.
    

    

3. Background and events happening around them. This is where the development comes in. Whilst appearance and speech/action reflects one’s personality, the background is what makes the person’s personality. In your story, we can’t just know that this character is cold. We need to know why this character is cold. Perhaps it was because of a broken family, a broken love? Perhaps they lived through poverty or had a lot of pressure as the heir to a large business? Give your readers reasons why.

    

Writing Style [10/20]

The one thing that I really admired, was that I noticed the improvements you made in your writing style further down the chapters. It grew more and more sophisticated, and I would just like to take a moment here to encourage you on this! No one starts with perfect writing style, but anyone can write good with much practice – it’s clear that you’ve been working on your writing, and I’m so glad to see that happening in your story! The only thing though, is that I would strongly recommend you go back to your earlier chapters and rewrite them – because there is clear contrast between the writing style in your early and later chapters, and can turn out to be quite inconsistent for the mood and feeling of the story.

Now, despite your improvements, there is one glaring thing about your writing style that I really would like to suggest you change. Have a look at this excerpt from your story below (take note that I took this excerpt from chapter 21):

Excerpt: “So, what do you think about Mi-rae’s suggestion?” she asked. “I don’t know” he shook his head. “She’s still has a lot to do, yet she wants to leave with Suho” he said. “You sounded…upset” she said. “No, I’m not. It’s just that I feel uneasy…well, I don’t know honestly” he sighed. “You don’t trust Suho?” she asked. “I trust him but I don’t know how to say this in words, you get me?” he asked. She nodded and smiled.

Here, you inputted a “she asked” or “he sighed” and the likes after each and every speech. It’s not wrong to do so, but it dulls your writing, and makes it repetitive and boring when you keep using the same way to describe things. You also bunched out this whole conversation in one paragraph, making it harder to read for me, since with all these speech marks, it makes the paragraph looks a little messy. What I would suggest you do, is to experiment new ways of dealing with speech. I’ve noticed however in your future chapters that you did improve in this aspect, and there were more variety in the way you described speech. However, examples such as the excerpt above still kept reoccurring, and I really hope that you can change this.

First and foremost, I would suggest that you never bunch a whole conversation into one paragraph. Separate them when necessary to make it not only neater, but easier to read. Secondly, change the way you always have to add a “she said” after a speech. To gain new ideas on how to write differently, I recommend you read more books, search these kind of things up on the internet, ask your friends who could help you and so on. But for now, I’ll like to give you some ways on how to describe speech. I’ll rewrite the excerpt above using different ways of describing the speech, and hopefully this can help you understand a little on how to vary your writing:

Suggested version:

“So, what do you think about Mi-rae’s suggestion?”

“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo shook his head, conflictions running through his expression, “she still has a lot to do, yet she wants to leave with Suho.”

A moment of pause entered between the two, both stuck in their own thoughts. Finally Naeul spoke.

“You sound…upset,” Naeul tilted her head upwards, taking in the thoughtful look on his face. Kyungsoo had always been an aloof person, one that never easily showed his emotions – so for him to be creasing his eyebrows in thought proved how much he was thinking about Mi-rae’s suggestion.

Kyungsoo let out a long sigh. “No, I’m not. It’s just that I feel uneasy…well, I don’t know honestly.”

“You don’t trust Suho?”

“I trust him, but-“ Kyungsoo paused for moment, lost for words before he let out another long sigh, “I don’t know how to say this in words, you get me?”

Letting out a reassuring smile, Nari nodded her head.

Here, I divided their speeches, and also added in descriptions of the atmosphere at the time (A moment of pause entered between the two, both stuck in their own thoughts), what they were feeling when they were speaking (Kyungsoo shook his head, conflictions running through his expression) and was even able to input information about his personality in the conversation (Kyungsoo had always been an aloof person, one that never easily showed his emotions).

In your future writing, I hope you can consider these aspects as well. Anyway, I hope this was helpful to you, let’s move on to the next section.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [15/25]

I understand that English is your second language, and once again, it was nice seeing improvements made on grammar throughout your writing. However, there were still mistakes in your story which unfortunately prevented me from being able to fully enjoy your story. Nevertheless, since I can see the improvements that was made, I won’t nit-pick on details today as I anticipate that you will keep improving~ I’ll just correct the preview as promised in the earlier section:

(preview)

Original: “if you want me to love you as my other half well, I can try that” he said. She quickly rejected him. “No, I’m just wondering about it. Don’t take it seriously” she said. “To love someone, it has to be with sincerity, not with forcing it” she said. “Na-eul, anything can happen in a period of 3 months” he interrupted. “What do you mean?” she asked. “Nothing, you’ll figure it soon” he smiled.

Revised: “I can try loving you as my other half if you want me to,” he said. She quickly rejected him. “No, I was wondering about it. Don’t take it seriously,” she said, “to love someone, it has to be with sincerity and not through force.” “Na-eul, anything can happen in a period of 3 months,” he interrupted. “What do you mean?” she asked. “Nothing, you’ll figure it soon,” he smiled.

Firstly, I didn’t change your writing style here and only grammatical errors or revised sentences that flowed a little awkwardly. What you need to look out here is that you keep forgetting punctuation within quotation marks. This happened a lot throughout your story as well. Here is a website that guides you through this: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp

Personal Enjoyment [5/10]

Unfortunately, I was unable to fully delve into your story and enjoy it due to the reasons stated above in the review. But nevertheless, what really made me happy was the improvements that I was able to see in your later chapters – keep improving and I know that you’ll only get better and better!

Also, I would like to apologize if I was being too harsh up there, or if I have offended you in anyway. Please keep in mind that as this is a review, I didn’t read your story as a reader, but a reviewer who was out there to spot mistakes in your writing and despite being very honest up there with my thoughts, but I said it with sincerity and with hopes that you can perhaps find something useful in my suggestions. I hope you won’t be too discouraged by this review and lose trust in reviewers (seeing as how this is your first review), but instead take in whatever suggestions that you found useful and keep on writing! Everyone starts off with bad reviews (including me), but the more we accept different views on our story, the more we improve ourselves.

All in all, I hope this review was helpful! Also, sorry for the late review…I was overseas lately as well as having to work on the other review so I didn’t have much time. Anyway, good luck with your future chapters and stories and keep writing on!

Final Score [56/100]