Plot [9/15]

Your big plot by itself is fine, but rather typical in the sense that there are many other stories out there with similar, if not the exact story idea as yours. But then again, as the plot idea isn’t technically yours since this one-shot is part of a request shop, I won’t brood much longer on the structure of the plot. In any case, having a clichéd structure is perfectly fine – but will be a bit boring to read for your readers unless you have a really great writing-style, or you’re able to add twists into this typical plot.

This brings me into the main conversation for this section: the details and content of the plot. Your one-shot was rather short, and in my opinion, too short. From my perspective, you didn’t really give your readers enough time to really sit into your story, and jumped too quickly from one thing to another. The sections in your story was awfully short and not very detailed, which makes the pace of your story really rushed – hence after reading your story, I was unable to really feel anything for your story at all.

The rest of your story is fine. In my opinion, what’s tripping you up here is really just the length and omission of detail in your story. For instance, you started off with Jieun introducing herself as the new girl which is fine, but suddenly after a few lines, it seemed like she was friends with BTS already. That part got me confused for a while until I realised that in the span of a few sentences, a certain amount of time had passed in the story’s world – except it didn’t feel that way because you omitted everything in between Jieun being the new girl and her becoming friends with BTS.

I would’ve liked to see how she became friends with BTS, and also her journey in the school.

To sum it up really, just write more. Either add more details and description in each section, or perhaps add more sections. I also would’ve liked to see more contact between Jieun and Yoongi.

Character Development [6/10]

Despite your one-shot being very short, thankfully I was still able to grasp onto the personalities of your characters. Jieun being the typical bubbly, positive girl and Yoongi the cold, mysterious guy with a dark past. But, they were very shallow characters and even though you gave me their personalities, I felt like you only just started scratching the shell of their character before the story had already ended. From your descriptions of their personality, I can see that you have the potential and ability to give me exceptional characters, and that you describe well, but, once again, it was too short. Which was a shame because I would’ve liked to learn more about them.

Writing Style [17/20]

I’m glad to see that you have good writing style. Though it was short, but there were expression and description in your writing. Once again, the only flaw is that it was too short – henceforth you were unable to fully portray what you were aiming to portray.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [20/25]

Generally speaking, your grammar was alright. It wasn’t so choppy or awkward that it came in the way of what you’re expressing– but there were quite a few quirks here and there that sometimes prevented smooth reading. I’ll just correct a few below:
 

Original: Her folders of some documents crashed into his tummy a bit hard enough for him to cough.

Revised: The documents she was holding crashed into his stomach, causing Yoongi to cough loudly from the impact.

Personally, I felt like the sentence sounded awkward. So I reworded it to make it flow better. In regards to your original sentence, “folders of some documents” is a little too wordy. Either just “folders” or “documents” is fine. Also, I think “a bit hard enough” doesn’t sound quite right, just “hard enough” would suffice.

Original: Her hand was reaching him, ready to touch him. But he took a step back, causing her hand in the mid-air.

Revised: Her hand reached out to him, but he took a step back, causing her hand to stop in mid-air.

I think “ready to touch him” is unnecessary. Though it isn’t grammatically wrong, but I felt like it didn’t really need to be there. Also, you need to mention the word “stop”, otherwise it doesn’t make sense just to say “her hand in the mid-air.”

Original: Why did the boy always give her the sad feelings. 

Revised: Why does the boy always make her feel sad?

Personal Enjoyment [6/10]

It wasn’t a bad read, but it could’ve been better. I felt like there were a lot of positives about your story, but with it being so short, it took away the enjoyment I potentially could’ve had for your story. Keep writing on, because you have great writing style – just remember to not rush your story so much and add more detail and description! Hopefully this review was hopeful to you in anyway, and have a good day!

Final Score [58/80] 72.5%