Life of a rich

Reviewer: Moelolz

Story Link: Here 

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Story Title: (3/5)

This is a so-so title. Whilst it does reflect the idea and plot of your story, what with all the main characters being rich kids, I don’t think it’s an original or creative one. Personally, I don’t hate it, but I wouldn’t think it would grab a reader’s attention that much either if they were browsing through a whole lot of fanfiction. Your cliché title also made me think that I would be reading a typical story the moment I set my eyes on the words ‘Life of a rich’, and whilst it didn’t put me off into reading it (since I am a person who enjoys a good, cliché story once in a while), but I think the ‘clicheness’ of your title may put some others off.

Personally, I think that titles are tricky since it’s so subjective to what a good title should be, but if we were to follow the mainstream idea, then the next time you think of a title, I suggest something less typical and maybe a little bit more creative?

Graphics: (7/10)

Your graphics are fine. I really like the background you’ve got there, and the poster is cool too. The only thing I would change is the size of the poster. Personally, I find it a little too large a size, and I have to scroll down to see the whole poster, but due to its large size I am unable to appreciate the poster as a whole. If you don’t know how to change the size of the poster, the easy way to do it is on paint (an art software). I’ll give you steps below just in case you don’t know how to make the size smaller.

>Download the poster and open it on paint

>Press the resize button on the toolbar

>Go to ‘pixels’

>A good size would be around 500 x 600 (horizontal and vertical)

>Make sure you untick the ‘maintain aspect ratio’ box

Yup, that’s about it. Obviously, you don’t have to change the size, but I would recommend that you do.

Description and Foreword: (7/10)

Let’s start with your description. It’s not too bad, and I think it does manages to catch my attention, which is a good thing. But, through a closer look, there are some parts in which I think could’ve been revised to make the sentences flow better. I’ll revise it for you, and you can have a look to see if you like it or not:

Original: Love. Marriage. It's what most girls want, including Hyo Min. But it didn't turn out the way she expected her love life to be. She was forced to marry a heir of K.I.M company, Kim Jongin, whom she just started to communicate with. Being stuck and confused between her feelings towards her first love, Jeon Jungkook and her 'future husband', Hyo Min didn't know whether to accept the marriage or to go with her first love. Will this marriage end as a whole disaster or a happy one? 

Revised: Like any other girl, Hyo Min also wanted to experience true love and marriage. But when she was forced to marry the heir of K.I.M Company and her fellow classmate, Kim Jongin, things didn't turn out the way she had expected her love life to be. Being stuck and confused between her feelings towards her first love, Jeon Jungkook and her 'future husband', Hyo Min didn't know whether to accept the marriage or to go with her first love. Will this marriage end as a whole disaster or a happy one? 

As you can see, I swapped a bit of your sentences around and deleted some in which I thought were unnecessary. In the opening sentence, when you wrote ‘most girls want’, it mislead me into thinking that Hyo Min would beg to differ with them as generally, the main character wouldn’t be part of the ‘most girls’ section. Now, you didn’t do anything wrong here grammatically or otherwise, but just so that little surprise element there would be removed, I changed the opening a little to make it flow better. Also, I didn't think it was necessary to say ‘whom she just started to communicate with’ as that’s something people would find out in the plot. But if you wanted to let your readers know that Jongin and Hyo Min weren’t total strangers, you could just state their relationship instead of the progress of their relationship, such as how I added in that they were fellow classmates in the description.

Now, moving on to the foreword.

Unlike many reviewers, I do not have a problem with character charts at all as I find it helpful for the readers to keep track of your characters especially if you have quite a few characters in your story. But, I do not encourage the use of spelling out each character’s personality, or their relationship with each other on the foreword since that’s something the readers are meant to find out through reading your story. It also spoils the surprise and joy in discovering new-found relationships for your readers when they read you story.

A photo, and a name underneath would suffice enough. If you really must, a most with their age and maybe their role in the story (something like ‘heir to the K.I.M company’, or ‘Ji Eun’s younger twin’ is fine, but not things like ‘rivals with Lee Hyo Min’.)

Characterization: (6/10)

You do have characterization, but unfortunately, I didn’t see your characters jump out at me. Like the title, they’re so-so characters in my opinion; they are characters you can see anywhere. Now, it’s perfectly fine to have the typical stubborn and cold protagonist with a warm side to them, (even I use these sort of characters often in my stories), but what you need to keep in mind, is to bring this personality to life. Not by telling me what their personality are on your character chart, but through your character’s behaviour which proves why this character is like that.

I do see the different persona of your characters in your story, but they’re a bit bland. What you need here is more ‘flavour’ and definition in your characters. If Lee Hyo Min is meant to be a cold girl on the outside, then make her appear colder to bring out the contrast between her outer appearance and inner warmness; cold girls don’t giggle with their best friends, cold girls don’t just endure being slapped by a rude little b*tch (cough cough, Na Eun, cough cough) especially since you said that she had a stubborn side. Instead, I would expect Hyo Min to just slightly smile (something that would be rare on her face since she was cold) at her best friend’s jokes, and she would very coolly tell Na Eun to piss off instead of allowing Na Eun to slap her over and over again. Like this, her ‘coldness’ would be brought out more because right now, I’m not feeling that coldness from her. The same applies to the other characters, and through superb characterization, I really do think that your story could get so much more interesting than how it is right now.

Also, remember to always hint at the reason why their personality is how it is. What made Hyo Min become cold on the outside even though inwardly she was a warm person? Why is Kai such a cheerful person? These are all things you should try to explain indirectly to your readers J

Plot and consistency: (26/40)

First off, I am so sorry for the low score! It’s not because I hate your plot, not at all, but because there are some parts I think could be improved better. Before I go and tell you to revise this and that, I just want to say that you have a solid plot going on, it’s just that there are some details in which I think could be revised a little, that’s all.

Now, firstly, I must say that your plot is very clichéd. But I don’t think that’s necessary a bad thing since I, for one, like clichéd plots. But, similar to you characters, the plot is a bit bland. I think the grammatical errors in your plot may be one reason for this, but I think another reason is that there is barely any tension, es or progress in your plot. Sure, I enjoy the cute moment between Jongin and Hyo Min, but that’s just about the most I felt from this fanfiction. There were also some quirks in the plot in which I would like to point out.

Firstly, why isn’t Jongin against this arranged relationship at all? Why is he so eager and keen on becoming Hyo Min’s husband? Sure, he may not hate the idea and just go along with it passively since they are only just classmates, but he shouldn’t be so into her the minute he knew she was going to be his wife. If you want Jongin to be very into this whole arranged marriage thing, then you will need an explanation. Like, Jongin already having a secret crush on Hyo Min beforehand, or him witnessing Hyo Min doing something really touching which then left a beautiful image of Hyo Min in his mind.

Also, your introduction of jungkook was too sudden. It’s alright for him to appear so late, but since he is Hyo Min’s first love, and she was going to get married to someone else soon, you could’ve mentioned the idea of a first love when Hyo Min’s mother told her about the marriage plan. Something like Hyo Min protesting and reminding her mother about her first love, or Hyo Min speaking to the readers that for the sake of her first love, she felt very angry…etc.

One other thing that is bugging me a little is the wedding contract. Honestly speaking, one year isn’t a lot of time. And why only one year? Most arranged marriages are meant to be for life, as it is that ‘eternal’ bond between the daughter and son of the respective companies that allows the two business to become one family and cooperate with each other. What is the point in just getting married for one year, and what benefit does the two families get if they allow their children to divorce only after one mere year? I don’t even suggest that you have a wedding contract at all, just get them to sign the wedding registration thing since arranged marriages are common in the world of the rich, and isn’t something I think that needed to be hidden.

Now, in regards to consistency, your flow isn’t too bad. It isn’t choppy or jumpy like some fanfics I’ve read before, but like I said before, it lacks tension and es. Everything is very fast paced in your story, and though it follows a logical timeline, you don’t allow the readers to slow down a bit which then makes it hard for them to enjoy and savour this story. Also, though Na Eun does exist as an antagonist in the story, her existence is barely any threat to Hyo Min at all as so far, what I see is that she is only a spoilt kid with no power to ruin anything, and no one on her side. And every time she starts a conflict, she is also defeated at the end, which though is satisfactory, does not give your story that sense of drama and tension. It would be better to build up that feeling of frustration and tension before resolving it at a later chapter as that will leave a much stronger impact than what you have now.

Grammar and writing style: (8/20)

Once again, please do not feel disheartened by the low score. Personally, I think that the root of all your problems may be due to this section, as I strongly believe that one needs a solid, sophisticated usage of language to be able to convey their emotions and messages clearly, especially in literature writing. I’ll go over a few of the errors I found beneath:
 

Original: "Oh how lovely." She lifted her hands up in the air, making a high pitched noise. Not surprised. This girl was full of sarcasm that sarcasm was in her middle name.

Revised: "Oh how lovely." She lifted her hands up in the air whilst speaking in a high pitched tone. I was not surprised. This girl was so full of sarcasm that sarcasm was basically her middle name.

 Firstly, it is inappropriate to use ‘noise’ in the context of this sentence. ‘Tone’ should be used instead since what you were trying to describe (I assume) was the timbre and quality of Ji Eun’s voice being high-pitched, instead of a high-pitched sound that Ji Eun was making. Also, when you add the ‘in’ at the last part about the sarcasm, you made it literal. As if that sarcasm really was her middle name, so this is something you should be aware of. The addition of one little word could change the meaning whole.

Original: she replied as she scurried out of the kitchen and headed towards the tablet that is connected to the CCTV. On the screen, it displayed a familiar person that appeared on the TV many times, awaiting in front of the door. She then spoke through the speaker and said in an accent,"Hello? Are you Ms. Evans?"

Revised: she replied as she scurried out of the kitchen and headed towards the screen that was connected to the CCTV. On the screen, it displayed a familiar person that appeared on television many times who was waiting outside the door. She then spoke into the speaker with her usual accent, "Hello? Are you Ms. Evans?"

First off, this is something I notice you do (and many other authors, including myself) a lot in your stories: switching between tenses. Personally, I find tenses one of the hardest thing to grasp in English grammar, and though I’ve gotten heaps better than before, I am still in the middle of grasping the usage of tenses fully. Also, you didn’t need to add in the ‘and said’ towards the last part of the passage as you already mentioned that ‘she then spoke through the speaker’ beforehand.

Now, with your writing style, I think it’s a bit choppy. I don’t feel the fluency in your writing and that’s something which disallowed me to enjoy your story fully. I think this is due to your lack of vocabulary and fluent sentence structuring, and I suggest you use a thesaurus when writing your story to allow for more sophisticated use of language. One other thing I like to mention is that personally, I’m not a big fan of using Korean words in your stories. Stuff like ‘oppa’ and ‘eonni’ is fine for me as there is no English equivalent to it, but more than that I find it a bit too excessive. Maybe it’s because I do English literature, but I feel like when writing a piece of English work, we should stick to it instead of jumping around from Korean to English which in my opinion, becomes a little messy.

I’ll be honest with you, I used to add in a lot of Korean in my past stories too, but now I’ve learned that it is better without the input of Korean words as not only does it allow to smoother reading, but also allows the readers to understand the story better since not all readers would know the Korean word you put in there.

Reviewer’s enjoyment: (2/5)

Though I do not dislike the idea and the plot, but unfortunately, I could not really delve myself into your story mainly due to your grammatical errors and lack of descriptive words. But please do know that this is by no means saying that you are a bad author, but just saying that there are still space for improvement, and I know that you will get there one day!

♠ TOTAL SCORE: 59/100