Raising My Twelve Boys

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Title [6/10]

In my opinion, this is a title which may either attract or repel possible readers. I reckon it’s a title that attracts because it sums up the idea of your story, and just by looking at your title I am able to already guess the plot – raising twelve boys (in which the boys are immediately presumed as EXO considering the number 12). This is attractive in a way because if the possible reader likes this idea for a plot, then they most likely will give it a shot. Also, the title also makes it seem like a fanfiction where it can satisfy many fan girl’s fantasy of being surrounded by EXO haha. But at the same time, this may also repel away readers. I know many readers out there who dislike ‘plot-giveaway’ titles. They like to find out the plot themselves henceforth not wanting to give your fanfiction a try.

For me personally, I prefer not to sum up the story with my title. I used to do that as well back when I first started, but the more I wrote, I leaned towards a title which serves as a summary to perhaps the themes of my story. Since reviews are limited to what the reviewer think, I’m afraid I can’t give your title too much love. Though on the upscale, I do think there would be other people out there who may think your title fits your story perfectly.

Description and Foreword [9/10]

I don’t see much problem with this section. You have a clear, neat layout and I was glad to see that you have a poster + background. The content of your description serves well too, though I do think it could be rephrased and rearranged a little to give it that extra edge and interest. I’ll go over this more in future sections.

 Plot [8/15]

Before I start with anything else, I would just like to say that you have a very interesting idea for a plot. It’s quite refreshing and original considering how there’s barely any romance involved, and revolves around the idea of taking in orphaned little boys. It’s a unique plot line, and that’s always nice to see out of the many other clichéd stories out there.

But, though you have such a promising idea, I didn’t quite enjoy the way you developed it. Perhaps it’s just me being picky, or my personal opinion, but have a read at my suggestions anyway. Maybe you’ll find something useful in there which can help improve your story.

1. I feel that not enough detail is given to each boy. I saw that you spilt your story into parts where in each part you introduce a new boy (or boys), and I agree with your decision to do so since it’s clearer that way. But, you delve too little in the actual boy’s life and they get adopted too quickly and easily - then, the rest of the part is mainly about Joohyun’s own personal life and her playing with the kids.

Think of it this way. I think your story is going towards a similar structure as Korean dramas such as Doctor Frost and Dating agency Cyrano. Structures where a different story is introduced in different episodes. If you have a close look at the above two dramas, each episode always revolve mainly, if not all around the story presented – with perhaps a few short scenes included about hints of the main character’s personal lives. In most cases, the main character’s past are developed later throughout the story, and their past is revealed in a way that is still connected to the story of the episode. Right now, I feel as if Joohyun’s past is distant from the boy’s stories. And in some parts, I feel that too much attention is given on developing Joohyun’s past. By doing this, I don’t feel a strong centre or direction for each part, and henceforth sometimes feeling confused by the overload of information. I would prefer if you revealed Joohyun’s past more gradually, whilst focusing more on each boy’s background stories.

2. I also want to see more progression on how each boy finally learns to accept their new mother. Right now, all the boys are very open to their mother and accepts their new family with open arms. I would’ve liked to see more resistance since not everyone is so accepting, and everyone comes with a different personality. By adding more friction and drama, I think there will also be more touching moments when the kid finally learns how to accept her.
    
3. About secretary Gwan, I didn’t see the point in her appearance. Of course, she may come in play later on, but since she’s been given a whole section of a chapter and never mentioned again later on, I puzzled over her appearance. If she does happen to play a big role in the later chapters, I would recommend that in your future stories when you write similar characters like her that you introduce her as a seemingly minor character at the start without much attention given on her then suddenly emerge her as a threat. Or, it’s fine to give her a lot of attention the first time you introduce her, but quickly give your readers the reason for her appearance otherwise your readers will forget about her, and will start wondering about her importance if you leave it for too long.

To be honest, I’ve done it before. I wrote in the spur of moment and gave a character too much attention without thinking much about his/her role in the story – then in the end I got confused and the story began developing in ways that I hadn’t planned at the start. So from my own experience, don’t give too much attention on a character unless it’s part of your plan. Even if it’s part of a plan, make it gradual or just shove it in our face so no questions are left unanswered.

Phew! I wrote a lot here. I hope that this was helpful in anyway, and I’m sorry if I misunderstood anything about your plot or was offensive here.

 Character Development [7/10]

I like how I do see attempts of character development in your story. Through her interactions with her children, and slight changes in her actions, I do see that you are showing the readers her change of heart. But, though I can see the changes – it’s only because you made an effort to point it out to me. I think Joohyun’s not cold enough at the start. Henceforth, the change in her didn’t feel as special to me. Though there are descriptions of her cold personality at the start, but it’s not enough. She jokes with her friends, and she feels bad for the children being adopted in chapter one. If I was you, I would make her colder – but with a soft spot for her friends, and only her friends. In my mind, she wouldn’t be openly joking with her friends, but her signs of affection for them would be shown through the small, rare smiles that graced her lips. She wouldn’t be so caring for the children, she would agree with her friends because that’s what she’s doing herself in her company. She’s firing people without a care of their needs because they’re hindrances to making money. 

Other than that, there’s not much problems with your characterization. I just hope to see more contrast, because I think that would make your characters more interesting.

Writing Style [15/20]

You have good writing style. I found quite some phrases in your story that I liked, and there was use of adjectives and descriptive words. I do have one suggestion for your writing style though, and that is your use of full-stops. I think that in general, you use a little too much full-stops. They’re not grammatically wrong, but for me, by having so many short sentences in one paragraphs cuts off some of the flow of emotion. For example in your description, I think your content can be enhanced further through usage of more connection. For example:

Original: Joohyun was born into the third richest family in the world. It’s the life of money and power everyone dreams to have. To an outsider, Joohyun is the luckiest girl in the world. However to Joohyun, it’s the complete opposite. It’s a cold and cruel life and lacks the most important thing. Love. Little does Joohyun know that this will all change when she meets 12 little orphan boys who will fill that hallow gap in her heart.  

Suggested: Kim Joohyun, being the daughter of the third richest family in the world, lives a life of money and power. To an outsider, Joohyun appears to be the luckiest girl in the world - a girl living the life everyone dreams to own. However to Joohyun, it’s the complete opposite. Despite the money, power and luxury, Joohyun lives a cold and cruel life that lacks the most important thing: love. Yet little does Joohyun know, that when twelve little orphan boys appear in her life, they will fill in that hollow gap in her heart. From now on, Joohyun’s life will take a change.

This is a very rough suggested version I wrote up there, and it can definitely be improved better but this is an idea of what I’m looking at. I think you can experiment more with different punctuations to make your writing more interesting.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [23/25]

I don’t see many problems with this section, congratulations! There were just some small typos and mistakes here and there, but they’re not to be worried about – everyone makes mistakes. I’ll just pick out the few I noticed and correct it here:

(Chapter five)

Original: “I apologize for being late, however we bump into another gang on the way,” Rap Monster explained.

Revised: “I apologize for being late, however we bumped into another gang on the way,” Rap Monster explained.

(Chapter five)

Original: Nobody knew what the social status of the this group was.

Revised: Nobody knew what the social status of this group was.

Personal Enjoyment [4/10]

Unfortunately I was unable to enjoy it as much as I wanted to. I’m also sorry for this harsh review, and I like to apologize if it made you feel discouraged or offended. Please understand that by writing out my honest thoughts, I hope to perhaps give you some points you may not have thought about before. And keep in mind that even if I’m not the biggest fan of your story, I saw that there are people who really like your story! Everyone have their own personal opinions, so I hope that you can take mine in with a light heart and pick out comments in there that you think will do you good. Thank you!

Final Score [72/100]