BAD BOY ~GOOD LIPS

Reviewer: Moelolz

Story Link: Here 

Story title: (3/5)

I’m not sure if I understood the title correctly, but if I did, then I’ll say it’s not too bad. The whole idea of bad boys with good lips is actually pretty attractive (if that is what the title meant), and personally, I would click on the story to check it out. But what I didn’t like about your title was how it was capitalized. In my opinion, capital letters are meant to be used where they are supposed to be used grammatically, and nowhere else. I’m fine with capitalizing certain phrases in your story to add to the tension and dramatic effect of your story, but I never encourage the use of capitalizing your title as I just think it looks too messy casual. So something like this:

“Bad Boy ~ Good Lips”

Anyhow, this is just my suggestion to you, whether you want to change it or not is up to you. 

Graphics: (5/10)

I guess it’s hard to mark you on this one because you don’t have a poster or a background. But quite a few marks were taken off here for the absence of these two elements. I’ve said this many times in a few of my reviews, and I’ll say it here again, but in my opinion, graphics are just as important as the title or the description or anything else really. Unless you’re super popular and people already know of your stories in which then your title or graphics doesn’t really play as much as a role in advertising your fanfic, but in most cases, the graphics serves as an introduction to what sort of story the readers will expect to read. For instance, a story with a grey themed background and poster usually spells out angst and sadness, or a story with pink or yellow colour usually meant that the story will be towards the comedy romantic side.

Not only that, your graphics can enhance the reader’s experience of viewing your story. For instance, if your story was really depressing and dark, but you have a bright pink background and a poster with people smiling and laughing, then that will become a hindrance to the sad mood you were trying to bring out. On the other hand, if you had a black background with a grey-themed poster, then not only does it compliment your story, but also allows the readers to delve into your story more, henceforth making it easier for your readers to enjoy reading your story.  

Right now, you have no poster or background, so there is no hindrance, but there is also no pleasant surprise waiting for me when I opened the link to your fanfic. Your story looks plain artistically, and I, for one, am someone who actually chooses whether or not I want to give a story I’m not sure about a shot based on their graphics. I believe you definitely are working hard on your fanfic, what with you requesting at a reviewing shop and all, but I feel as if most people (including myself) may sometimes judge the quality of a fanfic by how hard they try on their graphics.

Anyway, enough rambling from me…now for something more practical, I suggest you go to a poster shop and request for a poster (they’re usually free), and go on google to find a background. In terms of your story, I think a brighter colour would be more suitable for your background, something along the lines of light blue. And remember, don’t choose a background with complicated patterns on it, but something nice and simple since after all, it is abackground that we are talking about here.

Description and Foreword: (8/10)

Hey, great job on your description! I really like the sassy and cheeky kind of tone you used for your description, and I also thought the thing about the personality and attitude thing was very smart. The one at your foreword was pretty good too, and it compliments your title as well as the genre you were writing in. The only thing I would mention here is that there are some grammatical errors in both your description and foreword so I’ll go over that below, and also, for your character chart, I suggest you line them up horizontally instead of vertically since you have a lot of characters and I have to scroll down a lot to get to the end of the page which makes it a bit confusing to read.

(Description)

Original:  DON'T get my personality and my attitude TWISTED because my personality is ME, and my attitude depends ON YOU!

Revised: DON'T get my personality and my attitude TWISTED because my personality depends on ME, and my attitude depends ON YOU!

Okay, so over here, ‘my personality is ME’ sounded a bit weird. I get what you mean here in this sentence, but it just doesn’t flow well. Personally, I’m not a huge fan of how I revised it either, but I’ll just point out this error here so you can think some more about how to make it sound smoother.

(Foreword)

Original: A bad boy is always a bad boy

no matter may he fall in love

he cant be a good boy

and can't be a good lover

because

BAD boyz aint no GOOD, but GOOD boyz aint no FUN

Revised: A bad boy will always be a bad boy

Even if he falls in love

he can’t be a good boy

and can't be a good lover

because

BAD boyz aint no GOOD, but GOOD boyz aint no FUN

Characterization: (4/10)

First of all, you have way too many characters who all play an equal role to each other. That makes the story become very confusing, and especially if you’re not familiar with all these celebrities you used as characters, it makes it hard for readers like me to try and differentiate one from another.

I also didn’t really see much of growth in character in your story, or the progress in their personality or character from when they were kindergarten kids to teenagers to working adults. There is also a weak presence of your character’s emotional and mental situation felt by your readers (at least by me), and that disallows your readers to grow emotionally attached to your characters, which is one vital part in getting a reader hooked to your story.

I felt as if I was reading a gag script instead of a story, and that’s fine to make your fanfiction into a gag script (since no one said that you only can write stories on Aff), but even in gag scripts, your characters need to have strength to pull off the gags.

I do like how you have a ‘good boy’ and ‘bad boy’ gang kind of thing put out, but I couldn’t really tell the difference between your good and bad boys. Anyway, I think this is probably due to your writing style, and I’ll go over that below.

Plot and Consistency: (15/40)

Extremely sorry for the low mark here, and before I go on any further, please do not feel as if I hate your story. Truthfully speaking, I can feel the potential and the energy in your story, but I feel that I need to be harsh here in order for you to see at least what I think could be improved in your plot and consistency.

First of all, like your characters, your plot is confusing. I don’t like saying this, but I feel as if it’s ‘all over the place’. One thing happen after another at an extremely fast pace, and up till now, I am still confused over what your general plot is. (If you would so kindly explain what the plot is to me in your comment section, I would be very thankful as I genuinely am curious and would like to know what your story is about!)

I do like the occurring joke about pronunciation throughout your story with Eunhyuk and Kyuhyun though, and I really like how you incorporated the author (yourself) into the story as I found that pretty original and interesting. So, good job on these two points.

Anyway, I really can’t say anything much more about this section as I can’t analyse your plot and consistency for you since I don’t particular understand it in the first place, hence the low score. Once again, I believe this is caused by your writing style, and I will go over it below in the right section.

Alright! Moving on.

Grammar and Writing Style: (5/20)

First up with your grammar. I assume you’re second language at English, so I won’t say too much about this section but just revise over some errors I found in your story. (I suggest you go find a beta-reader to correct all your mistakes).

Original: kyuhyun make correction while playing game on GAME BOX

Revised: kyuhyun corrected Eunhyuk while playing games on his Game box.

Here, it should be ‘made correction’ instead of ‘make correction’ if we look at it by itself. But if we incorporated this into the sentence: ‘Kyuhyun made correction’, it also sounds weird. Hence, I changed it to ‘Kyuhyun corrected Eunhyuk.’ Also, if you’re not going to add ‘a’ before the word ‘game’ in your sentence, then the word needs to be in plural form: ‘playing games’.

Original: then he went toward the cafe he ask for coffee he take coffee take out his book and read it while reading then he feel something weird on his back he look back he saw a big bunch of girls were looking at him and heart were coming out them like TWINKLE TWINKLE

Revised: then he went inside the cafe and ordered a cup of coffee. Taking out his book and his cup of coffee, he went to a quiet spot in the café and begun reading when he felt gazes burning into his back. Looking back, he saw a big bunch of girls looking at him, and hearts were coming out them like ‘twinkle twinkle’.

Firstly, too long a sentence with no punctuation at all apparent anywhere. You didn’t even use a full-stop for the end of your sentence. That makes the sentence hard to read, and also makes it tiring to read as not only does your readers have to dissect the long blurb of words into something meaningful, but you provided no resting stops in the sentence for them to take a breath. Secondly, you were just stating what was happening: ‘He went toward the café’, ‘he ask for coffee’, ‘he take coffee’ ‘take out his book’…this is what I call a shopping-list. In stories, or scripts, whatever, we should never ‘shop-list’ our sentences. Make each one meaningful and interesting instead of just rushing to tell us what happened.

In regards to your writing style, I feel like it’s such a shame. Why do I say that? Because honestly speaking, whilst reading through your story, I saw quite a lot of sparks here and there that I thought would shine so much if only your writing style was different. This may be just my opinion in regards to your writing style, but have a read anyway since it may be of help.

Firstly, you write as if you’re writing a script. I see barely any paragraphs, just short speeches from the talking characters, and each character’s speech were all short and simple. Now, there’s nothing wrong with short simple speeches, but if your story is made up of these, then you allow no space for details and instead created a very fast-paced and messy sort of feeling for the readers. I suggest you start writing longer paragraphs, and if you wereintending for it to be a story, then this format right now is a big no-no.

Secondly, TOO MUCH CAPS! SEE, IF I WRITE LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME, NOT ONLY DOES IT MAKE EVERYTHING LOOK DRAMATIC, BUT ALSO HARDER TO READ OVER ALL THE CAPITAL LETTERSSS AND REPEATEEEDDD LETTEERRRSSSSS!!!!! Another reason for the very fast-paced and tiring feeling I get from reading your story is due to your over-usage of capital letters and repeated letters. I really suggest you take away all the capital letters and never repeat the letters like ‘HURTSSSSS’ or ‘NOOOO’ because that’s very, very casual language used in chats that is inappropriate for stories.

Thirdly, you have a habit of just stating what’s happening as if stating a shopping-list. I mentioned it already in the grammar section above, but if you just shop-list, then you’re taking away the details and disallowing your readers to get into your story. After all, who would really obsess and laugh or cry over a shopping-list? No, it’s a piece of literature that your readers are after.

Reviewer’s Enjoyment: (1/5)

Unfortunately, I could not get into your story at all. I really do feel like it’s such a shame because I see so much potential and so many sparks of great idea here and there in your story that is being buried underneath all the errors I see in your technical and grammatical section. Remember, as much as literature is about expressing emotions, these emotions cannot be expressed without fluent and sophisticated language and use of grammar. Good luck with your future stories, and I hope I can see more improved works from you in the future!

♠ TOTAL SCORE: 41/100