Vengeful Romance

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Title [8/10]

It’s a fitting title for your story – after all, your story does revolve around the idea of revenge and romance. But though your title is a relevant summary of your story, I’m not sure if it’s the most eye-catching title. In my opinion, it’s a title which gives off a clichéd vibe. Keep in mind that with titles being clichéd, it’s not always necessary a bad thing, sometimes the cliché of the title may even draw some readers in. But I feel there are more readers out there who prefer more out-there titles, ones that seem to stand out a little bit more. So for your future titles, I’d say it’s always good to try and squeeze out the creative juices in your brain for something with a little more spark.

As for the title you have now, I think it’s a good title. At first glance, it wasn’t that mind-blowing or stuck to my mind as much, but after reading your story, your title seemed to fit in rather well.

Description and Foreword [8/10]

It’s neat, simple and clean. You also did a successful job at the content of your description/foreword – I rather enjoyed the short snippet from your story and I think it does your story justice by piquing my interest. After your description, I actually wanted to read more of your story, so great job on that.

The only thing I would like to mention though, is regarding to the layout and design of your foreword. Though the layout is very clean and organized, personally, I think more thought can be put into the design. Visually, I would’ve hoped for something more appealing instead of ordinary. Personally, I am one who likes to put a lot of effort into the design of my fanfics, so I’m quite picky about the appearance of a fanfic. I am a person who would use page-breakers, different colours…etc.

But since everyone has their own preferences, simple is fine too if that’s what you prefer. I would still like to give you one suggestion though: I feel that there are too many words crammed on the page, and not enough space in between. So I think it would look less cramped if you add some space between your foreword and the line that separates it from your credits, and also some space between your description and foreword.  

 Plot [14/15]

I’ll be honest here, your plot is my cup of tea. Though it’s not a very original plot, but nevertheless, I enjoyed it. I’ve always had a thing for these kind of plot, maybe because it’s also so satisfying to see the male lead realise how wrong he is (yeah I’m being kinda mean here but oh well haha).

Anyway, despite all that, I just have a few minor suggestions that I would like to point out:

1. I wished there was more details about how in love Mani and Yongguk were in the earlier stages. It is mentioned, and talked about, but I couldn’t feel how in love they at all. I only felt stronger emotions of love in the later stages when Yongguk is planning his revenge. I would recommend that if you can, go back to the first few chapters and add in details on more of their interactions together. I’m not asking you to write chapters and chapters worth of their interactions together, but perhaps even a flashback to when they were kids and how their love had already starting blossoming would be good. I also wanted to see more on how they hid their love from their parents, how they shared secret exchanges with each other during the time the two was dating, because you skipped out on those sections and went straight from Yongguk’s confession to his mother asking Mani to leave. Though I understood there was love in between, there were nothing evidential for me to base it on. More scenes such as the last part where they snuck out at night to the island would be good.
   
    
2. I think it would be better for more struggle on Yongguk’s side when his mother lied to him about Mani being a flirt. I would find it more realistic if Yongguk did a little digging of his own, if he was a bit more suspicious of his mother because Yongguk knew that his mother didn’t like Mani due to her status. By letting him be more suspicious and fight a bit more against the reason his mother gave him, it would not only be more realistic, but also prove a point that Yongguk really does love Mani. Also, with letting Yongguk believe in Mani at first but then having his hope shattered enhances his feeling of betrayal and hatred – by doing so, you can also allow your readers to feel more of his hurt and brokenness.

 Character Development [8/10]

I do see character development in your story, and I was glad that there are distinctive personalities for each character. Starting with Yongguk, I find him to be quite boyish and innocent in a way at the start. He seemed like a refreshing kid, uncaring of duties and very much chasing after what he wanted. But after Mani’s ‘betrayal’, he grew to be a tired and cold businessman. It’s a reasonable change, and his feeling of wanting revenge is also logical.

Mani to me, seemed to stay forever the level-headed and polite girl. Daehyun, the guy with anger-management and a soft spot for Mani. The list goes on for each of your characters, and there really isn’t much problems that I can pick up on.

But once again, I have just one thought in regards to Yongguk’s mother:

 In the part where Maru lost both his eyesight, Yongguk’s mother seemed a little bit too eager to help out. She even called for the best doctors and used her connections all for the one slave boy that she couldn’t care less about. In my mind, she seemed more like an “evil step-queen” kind of role, so it was a bit surprising to see how kind she was in helping them. Of course, you did mention that she pitied the boy, and she did later on ask Mani to leave Yongguk alone in return of paying off the hospital fees. But I think it would make more sense personality wise if you made Yongguk’s mother demand Mani to leave first before she even helped them, so that she would seem as realistic as she supposedly is.

Writing Style [18/20]

You have an enjoyable writing style. Your words flowed nicely, and you were able to transfer emotions through your writing. Nothing much to comment here, moving on!

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [24/25]

There weren’t many obvious grammatical errors that I could find in your writing, and from a normal reading pace, I couldn’t really pick up anything that sounded weird to me. Of course, I do remember picking up a few mistakes here and there in your story, but they’re so minor that I can’t remember where I saw them. I just have one sentence that sounded a bit weird to me:

Original: Yongguk groaned as a flash of light was directly hitting his eyes.

Suggested: Yongguk groaned as a flash of light hit his eyes.

I’m not sure if the original is grammatically correct or not as I’m not a strong grammar person, but with English being my first language, it just sounded a bit weird to me. Therefore, I would like to just point it out for you to consider.

Personal Enjoyment [8/10]

I really enjoyed your story! It was a great read, and despite it not being the most original or mind-blowing story I’ve read, you did leave me wanting to know what happens next. I’m going to stay subscribed, keep up the good work!

Final Score [88/100]