Kitten: The Inexperienced Pet and the Clueless Master

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Story title: (4/5)

I find it a cute, and of course, original title. It’s relevant to your story and I think I think it gives off a quite endearing and cheeky sort of feeling to it, which is quite in sync with the mischievous and playful mood your actual plot gives out. Despite the part with the war sort of leaning towards the angst side, but as the majority of your story is quite cheerful up to now, then the title so far is relevant. I just have one question for you in regards to the title. Why ‘inexperienced’ and ‘clueless’? I’ve been trying to figure out how Chora is ‘inexperienced’ and how Kris is ‘clueless’ but I couldn’t really put a finger to what these two terms were meant to represent.

Graphics: (4/10)

Honestly speaking, there isn’t much I can say about your graphics since the whole artistic format of your story is rather plain. Though this isn’t a poster reviewing shop, but personally speaking, I’m not that big of a fan of your poster – which is the only apparent artistic feature in your story. The reason I say this is because I feel like it’s a little bit messy, like photos clustered together into one layer, and I don’t blame the person who made that poster at all because I know how hard it is to make one good poster (at least the posters I tried to make all turned out horribly).

The reason why I pointed this out is because I think too many people under look the importance of the graphics in a story. Does this every happen to you either in a library or a bookstore? You pick out a book amongst the sea of many just because you liked how the front cover was designed. I know that this happened to me many times, and I’m sure there’s many people out there who does that too.

Now, in AFF, you can’t really ‘pick out a fanfic out of a sea of many based on the graphics’, but your graphics serve as an ‘advertisement’ to your story. It tells just as much information as your description and title. A grey-themed background screams angst, whilst a light pink background usually represents fluff and romance.

I’ve said this many times, but I will say it again: The prettier the graphics, the higher the chance readers will proceed to read your stories because I’m sure there’s readers out there like me who sometimes judge their first impression of the story based on the graphics.

Now, for something more practical, I suggest you change your poster (I suggest you request at a poster shop) and definitely add a background. For your story, I suggest a light-pink background since your story is quite cute and fluffy. Also, be careful that you don’t choose a background with complicated patterns on it as that will only hinder your readers from having a pleasant reading experience. I suggest something like this:

http://www.imagesbot.com/Simple-Light-Pink-Background

Description and Foreword: (6/10)

Though your description is fine and does manages to catch my attention for its unoriginal structure, but there were some parts in your foreword that kind of put me off into reading your story if I was a reader purely looking for some enjoyable reads to pass time. But before I go into that, let me talk about your description a little.

Firstly, I think it’s quite a cute and cheeky description, and I have nothing against it at all as I think it captures the main plot and does draw out that fluffy atmosphere in your story. What I think can be improved though, is just some minor grammatical errors in there.

Original:

Chora's brother, Park Chanyeol, is a brat. Just because he can do magic, doesn't mean that he can turn her into a kitten, right?!!

Now, Chora is trapped in a little kitten body and has to live with the cold guy, Kris. she sure doesn't like it, doesn't like it AT ALL!

But what can she do? Chanyeol has to find the cure and she can't take care of herself. Chora promises, once all of this is over, Park Chanyeol will be a dead meat.

Revised:

Chora's brother, Park Chanyeol, is a brat. Just because he can do magic, it doesn't mean that he can turn her into a kitten, right?!!

Now, Chora is trapped inside a little kitten’s body and has to live with the cold guy, Kris. She sure doesn't like it, doesn't like it AT ALL!

But what can she do? Chanyeol has to find the cure and she can't take care of herself. Chora promises, once all of this is over, Park Chanyeol will be dead meat.

There were very minor corrections made there, so I won’t go over it in detail and just let you find it yourself. 

Okay, now in regards to your foreword, there are two parts to it that I didn’t really like. Firstly, I wasn’t that keen on the ‘advertising’ you put up on your foreword where you quoted the comments other reviewers gave you. Now, this is all personal preference, and some people might like reading praises other reviewers gave you, but personally speaking, I’m not a big fan of authors doing that and that even puts me off into reading the fanfic. I’m like this because I prefer reading a story based on my own experiences with it, and I don’t like the feeling as if authors were trying to tell me how good their story is through picking out the praises other reviewers gave them.

Please understand that I am not saying that you are trying force ideas on me, but it’s just a general feeling I get from stories with reviewers’ quotes on it. And please don’t feel unfair that I cut some points off due to this since after all, this is a personal review, and I’m sure there are other people out there who dislike them as well as me.

I’m not telling you to delete them (It’s okay if you put some of my quotes on the foreword of your story too), but just giving you a heads up that though these quotes may attract some readers, it will also repel others.

Now, different to the quotes up there where it’s all highly personal and can either be removed or kept, I strongly suggest you delete the following words on your foreword:

“…but keep your expectation low, because I'm not that good writer :p”

I believe that no one out there with a good attitude for literature is a ‘bad writer’. Just those who are more experienced and fluent in writing and those who are still learning how to improve their writing. The only people I could call ‘bad writers’ are those who write for the pure sake of degrading people, those who plagiarize and those who write with a terrible attitude towards literature. From what I’ve read in your story, you’re neither of those above, so henceforth, I wouldn’t call you a bad writer, and I don’t think you should say that you’re not that good a writer as well. Honestly speaking, you have a nice and cute writing style, so be proud of what you’ve written if you wrote it sincerely and honestly.

Characterization: (8/10)

I don’t see much problem with your characterization. Each character has its own individual personality and I can see that coming through in your story. Chora being the sassy and impatient girl, Chanyeol being the cheeky brother and Kris being the soft-hearted teddy bear who looks cold and unfeeling on the outside.

I did take two marks off in this section though, and that was because I think their personality could’ve jumped out more. Sure, I can see each character’s different personality, but I don’t think they were portrayed to their maximum power. Maybe it’s due to you only having 9 chapters so far, but in your later chapters, I hope you can make them jump out at the readers more.

For instance, I’ve seen plenty of Kris’ cheesy and soft-hearted side, but I haven’t seen much of his ‘cold’ side yet. Maybe you could add a scene where Chora follows Kris to his work and witnesses his cool and mature side, and by doing so, you will be able to draw out his cute side even more with this contrast in his personality.

Also, I would just like to point out something I found a little weird in regards to your story. After Chora turned back into a kitten in chapter 8, I think Kris’ reaction was a little bit too…normal? I mean, just before in chapter 7, he was shocked about her being his long-term crush instead of his kitty and being really awkward around her, but as soon as she turned back into a cat, he started calling her ‘baby’ again.

Now, if I was Kris, I wouldn’t become so familiar with her and calling her baby and stuff just because she turned back into a kitten. I mean, before he was calling her that because he thought she was a cat, but now he knows that she’s his long-term crush, shouldn’t he be more awkward around her despite her being in her cat form? I would expect a more panicked reaction, a more awkward and cringe-worthy reaction from Kris instead of him acting all chill and cool about everything’s that’s happened.

Plot and consistency: (35/40)

I really like your plot! It’s quite different to what I’ve read before, and though it still follows a cliché outline, but you’ve really made it original in your own cheeky and mischievous way. Honestly speaking, when I first started reading your fanfic, I wasn’t that into it, but the more I read, the more I liked your story. Good job for that since you’ve managed to keep me entertained.

Now, there is only one thing I would like to mention about your plot. Though I really liked the input of the darker and angsty part about the Great War, but I felt like it was a bit sudden. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with breaking away from all the fluff and cuteness, but I thought that the introduction of the past was too out of the blue. Next time you attempt to do something like this, I suggest that you intertwine the past in with the present to make the transition go smoother, because right now, there isn’t much relevance between the story of the past and the present situation which I think makes the necessity and existence of the part about the ‘past’ weak.

Grammar and Writing Style: (15/20)

Though you have many grammatical and technical errors in your story, I didn’t mark you down by a lot since English isn’t your first language. Considering that, you didn’t do too bad as I could still understand what you were trying to say, and the emotions in your story was also conveyed through. Henceforth, I won’t say anything else and just go over a few errors I found in your story:

Original: Even though that was their first time talking as human, Chora didn’t seem awkward to tease Kris. Kris, on the other hand, having a hard time maintaining a conversation with the girl, because he used to talk to a cute little kitten, not some snarky girl.

Revised: Even though that was their first time talking as fellow human beings, Chora didn’t seem to be too awkward teasing Kris. Kris, on the other hand, was having a hard time maintaining a conversation with the girl, because he was used to talking to a cute little kitten, not some snarky girl.

Original: Kris felt a little disappointment from the statement, although he perfectly aware that Chora couldn’t be living with him anymore.

Revised: Kris felt a little disappointed from the statement despite being perfectly aware that Chora wouldn’t live with him anymore now that she had turned back into a human.

Original: Kris stood up as Chora lead her way to the front door. Kris looked at Chora’s back, his shirt looked huge on her, and Kris felt giddy inside knowing his crush wearing his clothes. But then, something struck him, Chora didn’t wear anything underneath. Oh, crap!

Revised: Kris stood up as Chora made her way to the front door. Kris looked at Chora’s back, and as he noticed how huge his shirt looked on her, Kris suddenly felt giddy knowing that his crush was wearing his clothes. But then, something struck him, Chora wasn’t wearing anything underneath. Oh, crap!

So basically, what I see you having most trouble with is probably awkward sentence structuring. A lot of your sentences doesn’t flow or sound right, and unfortunately, since I am a English Literature student (we focus more on meanings and motifs over grammatical stuff so I’m not a grammar person), I am unable to actually pinpoint what you’re doing wrong. All I know was that it sounded weird so I revised it for you based on my first language English foundation, so I’m very sorry about this.

Personally speaking, in regards to your writing style, I don’t see much problem with it. Though you write quite simply, and I see hardly any long paragraphs in your story, but I think you still conveyed emotion well and I did feel the ‘moments’ in your story whether it be embarrassing or cute or whatever.

I think as long as that is achieved, that it shouldn’t really matter whether you write in long details or write in short sentences. Just keep in mind though, that whilst I do not dislike your writing style right now, some people may dislike it as generally speaking, from what I’ve observed, many people on AFF like reading fanfics with details and longer paragraphs.

Reviewer’s enjoyment: (4/5)

Though I didn’t really like the story at first, I ended up really enjoying myself with the cheeky tone of your fanfic! That last chapter also made me squeal a little. And yes, I do love this kind of Jongin gawsh he da y beast ahaha :P

♠ TOTAL SCORE: 76/100