Pursuit of Everything

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Title [9/10]

Your title compliments your story well. It reflects the occurring motifs in your story, and basically sums up the overall idea of your story: the idea of pursuit. Both Jin and Joy are in pursuit. One for the meaning of life perhaps, and the other for love. I also thought it was smart to turn the word ‘everything’ into something deeper without even altering the main meaning. You gave ‘everything’ a persona almost, and it does suit well as a title, as well as mirroring the reoccurring themes in your story. That your characters aren’t just pursuing everything, they’re pursuing ‘everything’ – something more meaningful and personal to each’s own lives.

Description and Foreword [7/10]

There isn’t anything visibly wrong with your description and foreword – nothing missing and it’s all set out decently. I didn’t give you full marks here though, because I think it can be rearranged to make it more aesthetically pleasing, as well as more clear. I think there are some parts in your description which should be highlighted more than the others. 

1. Firstly, I think titles in your foreword such as ‘credits’ should be made more different from the rest. Maybe highlight it in another colour, add some spacing between the title and the content before it, bold or italics…anything so it can jump out more. I think this way your foreword wouldn’t look so squished up and can appear more formatted.
2. I reckon that the definition of ‘everything’ should be placed in the description. In fact, if I was you, I would make it the first thing you see when you look at the description – because as far as I believe, that part is what I would deem as the most important information in your foreword.  To be honest, I scammed through your foreword + description when I first clicked onto your story, and missed out on the definition. Henceforth, when I was reading the plot, I kind of understood that there was some other meaning for ‘everything’, but I was ultimately confused in the end as to what ‘everything’ represents. It was only when I went back to your foreword in order to write this review did I see it, so I would recommend you highlight the definition. Make it obvious so that future readers won’t have the same confusion as I did.

Anyway, I’m just nit-picking here, but I do suggest you take in consideration of my suggestions.

 Plot [14/15]

It’s a beautiful story. I like how your story isn’t one where the plot enhances the romance, but is a story where romance enhances the plot. Not that the other way around is bad, but it’s just nice to see a different sort of romance presented. I enjoyed the ideas portrayed in your story: the themes of pursuit, of life, the idea of fear and dull apprehension of life until a reason was given to live with a bit more colour. That reason being romance. Your story did progress a little fast though, with the two falling in love with each other within a span of few weeks. Usually, I would recommend slower pacing for development of love, but, I think I can make an exception for your story. First up, Joy did claim that Jin was her soulmate when she first set eyes on him, and with Jin nearing death, when all he can see is darkness – it is logical that he would fall for the bright array of colours dancing in front of him. I also liked the way you end it ‘Jin’s story ends here’. It just felt like the perfect ending for your story, and I must really praise you for writing a plot which felt very much completed.

 Character Development [9/10]

There is evident character development in your story – not only in the way your character changes, but also in the way we view the characters. For Jin, he started off as someone quite judgemental and pessimistic towards life, due to the disease he inherited. We see him starting off grumbling about the psychiatrist, and grumbling about how overly cheerful and crazy Joy is. He started with ‘I don’t want Everything. I don’t want to die’ to ‘I’m not alone, not when I’ve seen Everything.’ There is evident change here, Jin has become a stronger person, more willing to face his fate.

Joy, on the other hand, started off as the cute, bubbly, crazy girl in the reader’s eyes. But in my opinion, she soon took a darker turn -  I got chills when she talked about the non-existent Changmin, when her actions get more and more queer until finally, she is uncovered as a patient diagnosed with schizophrenia. I actually find it quite sad, it’s almost haunting in a way. That beneath the amount of rainbow unicorns and bubbly personality, there’s this underlying layer of pain and darkness. But in the end, I’m glad that Jin comes out the opposite. That underneath the seemingly hopeless situation he’s placed in, there’s the thin line of courage and strength that he’s developed. That’s something I’m glad to see.

Writing Style [20/20]

Excellent writing style. I really have nothing much to comment on here, you have quite the sophisticated writing style – great job!

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [25/25]

There is no mistakes that I can find as of now. Of course, if I was digging very hard into your story, I might be able to find some small, careless errors, but with just normal reading speed, it all seemed perfect to me. I just have one suggestion, though please keep in mind that this is just personal preference and not a grammatical error:

Original: (Mom, I don’t want to die!)

Suggested: Mom, I don’t want to die!

Here, if I was you, I would remove the brackets. Because your story is written in first person, as well as that sentence being in italics, I don’t think there’s a need with brackets to show us that it’s his inner thought. Personally, I would find that the sentence connects more smoothly with your other ones without the bracket, but I see that you are an avid user of brackets throughout your story, so perhaps it’s what you prefer. I’m just stating what I prefer for you to consider.

Personal Enjoyment [8/10]

It was quite a thought-provoking read. Honestly speaking, this genre of story isn’t really my style, but I did quite enjoy the story nonetheless so Great job for that! Also, a side question: what does yak, doe, sey, char mean?

Final Score [92/100]