Reviewer: Moelolz

Story Link: Here 

Title [9/10]

I think it’s a really fitting title for your story. It perfectly sums up Sana and Jungkook’s relationship and the whole idea of their relationship going back to square one. It’s a simple title for a simple story like yours. But though it does fit your story well, it’s also a rather clichéd title – I’ve seen other stories, and even chapter titles with the exact same title as yours, so say if I was to browse through fanfictions looking for something to read, I most likely won’t notice your title too much. But despite that slight disadvantage, I still think that you made the right choice on the title.

Description and Foreword [8/10]

Once again, you have a simple description that mirrors the simplicity and nostalgic atmosphere of your story. I like the short introduction you had in your description where you described the process of writing this story, and your mindset when you wrote it – as it allowed me to understand more about this fanfic from your point of view which gave me a sense of inclusion. Straying away from the content of your description, I would like to talk a little about the lay-out of it. But first things first, the way it’s set out now is perfectly fine, but I just have some small pointers I would like to give you in which I think would make it better. Seeing as how you’re going for a simple theme (which, in my opinion is the right choice), let’s try and make it neater and simpler.

Firstly, the credits page is a little messy and confusing to follow for me. Since you also added the banners of the shops, and snippets of reviews, so there’s quite some content to sift through. What I would suggest, is that you categorize them under headings. So for instance, you can put the poster credits under the heading Posters, and the review credits under the heading Reviews, but separating these two sections with the double lines you used further down the foreword. You don’t even have to use the double lines if you don’t want to, but put some space in between these two sections so they’re not sort of all mixed together.

Secondly, I’m not a big fan of the colours in your credits where you label different shop/contest names with different colours. For me, they seem a bit too colourful, and I think would look better without so many variations of colour. The only place where I would add in colour is the headings, but nowhere else.

In regards to my suggestions above, they are after all, suggestions. Have a look and see what you agree to (or maybe not agree upon), and take whatever advice your think is suitable for your story. But once again, your description right now is fine, I’m just nit-picking here.

 Plot [12/15]

As mentioned in your description, your fanfic really does give off that anime vibe. Especially since I’m an avid shoujo manga reader, I got many similar feels off your story from when I read manga. Overall, it was a nostalgic, bittersweet story that encapsulates a rather heart-throbbing high-school romance, I also liked the way the start and ending of your story tied together into a circle which gives your plot a finished, resounding end. But putting aside that, there were a few places in your plot in which I think felt a little jagged or vague:

1. I feel like not enough detail was given to the scene where Sana first met Jungkook in the library. When she decided to write on his desk, I felt a little confused (though I knew at the time that she had attractions towards the guy due to the description), because I couldn’t find a reason why she wanted to communicate with Jungkook so much. After all, they only met once in the library, and he is the complete opposite to her – so I felt like her feelings towards Jungkook was a little too rushed. What I suggest is that you go back to the library section and add in more information on how Sana felt towards Jungkook, and what made her want to write to him.
    
2.  Some of the words Sana and Jungkook write to each other doesn’t really make much sense to me. I mean, of course, I get the gist of what they’re expressing, but they make me a little confused. (Before I start anything, I assume that the English words are direct translations of the French/Japanese words, correct me if they’re not) For instance, the first Japanese phrase: 気をつけて. If I’m correct, I’m sure that it means to ‘be careful’, but the translation you gave was ‘see you.’ If sana was writing ‘be careful’ to Jungkook, then It would make sense since she’s telling him to be careful after their library incident, but if you wanted her to write ‘see you’, then here I get a bit confused as to what she wanted to mean with that. Jungkook’s reply also confused me a little, what does the reply “make it” mean? Perhaps it’s just me not being smart enough, but please do explain it to me.  
    
3. Sana’s illness came too suddenly for me. I saw in one of the other reviews where you expressed that you did leave hints where Sana had a throbbing, aching heart – but I took that as in emotional pain, or the pain of a heart falling in love. So even though you did leave that hint, but it’s very easy to take it in an emotional way instead of actual physical illness since after all, this is a love story we’re reading. Unfortunately, a fanfiction does not have the music and visual graphics of an anime, so whilst these hints may come across in an animated cartoon (with the help of sound and visuals), but it doesn’t exactly work the same way in a written piece of work since a large part of the reader’s knowledge of the story is up to their imagination.

 Character Development [6/10]

You have characterization, but I would’ve liked to see more of it. I wanted to feel more about your characters and get to know them more, but personally for me, I felt as if your characters were given personalities, and then that’s the end of it. I wasn’t able to fall in love with your characters, or step into the shoes of either of them, so in the end, I still felt like a reader instead of becoming one of your characters.  Once again, I think you can go deeper into your character’s feelings – since this is a story heavily based on emotions, we’re not afraid here to be elaborate on your characters. The deeper you go, the better your characters will appeal.

One other thing, is that you have some minor characters here and there that confuses me a little. For instance, you mentioned at the end Seokjin fought with Jungkook because they were fighting over Sana – but though we did see the scene where the two fought, we didn’t see how Seokjin liked Sana at all. I didn’t even remember this Seokjin existed until the end of the story, and hence making this character weak as well as the revelation of why Jungkook fought with Seokjin very confusing. Jimin was also a confusing appearance, he appeared for a bit and never appeared again, which makes me uncertain about his role in the story. If I was you, what I would do is replace Jimin with Seokjin so we could have more encounters with Seokjin, and perhaps add a scene where Seokjin approaches Sana and Jungkook gets jealous (or something like that) so when the fight is revealed at the end, it all makes sense.

Writing Style [18/20]

Generally speaking, you have a good writing style, and it is your writing style that brings out that nostalgic and plain, bittersweet mood of the story. But there is just one thing I noticed in your writing, and that is you use a lot of full-stops and short sentences, which sometimes cut off the flow of the reading. For instance:

Original: Sana nodded as she watched Mr. Jung go to Ms. Yoo. She smiled when she saw them held hands. She suddenly heard the music start.
Looking around, she saw the majority trying to approach their partners or friends. Sana looked around to spot a boy with raven hair, but she saw none. Frowning, she went outside.

Suggested: Sana nodded with a small smile as Mr. Jung went over to Ms. Yoo, and her smile widened when she saw the two hold hands with each other, their cheeks a shade of cherry blossoms. By this time, the music had already started, and the majority of students were searching around for partners to dance with. Sana, too, found herself unconsciously looking around for the boy with raven hair, but much to her disappointment, he was not found. Frowning, Sana then went outside.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [20/25]

There were quite a few mistakes here and there scattered around in your writing. I think this is perhaps just not proof-reading your work, but these small mistakes does cut off the flow of your story a little bit sometimes. I’ll just correct a few of these mistakes below, the rest I suggest you find a beta-reader, or simply just go back and edit it yourself.

(I’ll just correct a few mistakes I noticed in chapter 6)
 

Original: “Oh no… I was actually planning to ask you…” Jimin said, scratching his nape. Sana was surprise, but immediately covered it with a gentle smile.

Revised: “Oh no… I was actually planning to ask you…” Jimin said, scratching his nape. Sana was surprised, but immediately covered it with a gentle smile.

Original: “Thank you, Mr. Jung.” Sana responed politely.

Revised: “Thank you, Mr. Jung.” Sana responded politely.
 

Original: Sana nodded as she watched Mr. Jung go to Ms. Yoo. She smiled when she saw them held hands. She suddenly heard the music start.

Revised: Sana nodded as she watched Mr. Jung go to Ms. Yoo. She smiled when she saw them hold hands. She suddenly heard the music start.

*Original: “I- do you mind dancing to musical notes with me?” She dared ask.

Suggested: “I- would you like to dance to the music with me?” She dared ask.

*Over here, it’s not really as much of a grammatical problem, but the question sounded really weird and awkward to me. So I rephrased it a little and you can see whether you like it or not.

Personal Enjoyment [7/10]

 It was a short and simple read, and though I wasn’t able to fall in love with your story, but it was an enjoyable process nonetheless. I’m sorry for the late review, as I had been extremely busy this past week with university, and I hope this review was of any help to you at all!

Final Score [80/100]