Title [5/10]

Personally, I find your title to be quite lukewarm. On one hand, I can kind of see how Yeonrin’s stubborn character reflects the title, but then again, she’s not the only character in the story, and not much emphasis of the plot was placed on her stubborn trait. Hence, the link between your title and your story is weak, causing the existence of your title to be…pointless to a certain extent. The title is also rather overused, there are a lot of other stories out there with the same title, and if I was to browse through a sea of fanfiction, the chances of me clicking on your story is rare. Mind you, clichéd titles aren’t always necessary bad, but only if they really, really suit the story. In your case, I think there are better titles out there more original and more fitting for your story – and it sort of felt like you didn’t put much effort into thinking a suitable title for your story.
 

It’s not easy thinking up a title, but one advice I would give you is that before you’re set with one title, type the title into the search bar and see if any stories pop up with the same title as yours. And if this title is already used, then unless you’re positive that you really want that title, I suggest you change to another one. At least this way, you can be sure that your title is original to a certain extent.

Description and Foreword [8/10]

I like your description and foreword. It’s set out neatly, the poster is beautiful and I really like the quote you have up there: “Love is not soft as those poets say, love has teeth which bite, tearing open wounds that never close”. The only comment I would have in regards to the design of this section is to perhaps add a background – I think adding a background can always accentuate the visual aspect of your story.

In regards to content, I also find it quite decently good. After reading your description, it does make me want to read your story, and I also liked the definition of “stubborn” you gave in your description. But, though I can see connections between your description and your actual plot, somehow, it just doesn’t seem to completely click together. Before I read your story, I expected to read something darker and mellower, but at this current moment, your story seemed to be more comedic and there isn’t enough of those dark moments in your story. I will discuss more about this later on, but putting that aside, your description and foreword is fine.

 Plot [10/15]

I like your plot, but I’m not sure if I like the way you’re putting it together right now. The big idea of your story is one that I like, and there were times I really liked where it was heading – but then it would go into another direction, or there would be loop holes in the plot that drags down the excitement I was just about to feel. It may be because we’re only 11 chapters into the plot, but I believe that even if there are mysterious you want to be revealed in later chapters, you should never let your readers feel confused. You can build up the suspense gradually and reveal when the tension has reached its peak, but don’t just cut off a topic, leaving your readers pondering about it and then give out the information all at once suddenly. Of course, you didn’t do it as abruptly as mentioned, but there were hints of that happening with the flow of your story. I’ll go over a few problems in your plot below:

1. In the first chapter, you mentioned that both sisters had boyfriends. But, why did Jin-ah date Min Ho if she presumably likes Kris, and is aware that she is his finance? Also, the mentions of the boyfriend comes too suddenly – in chapter 9, you suddenly mentioned their boyfriends being seen at the shopping mall, but at that time, I had already forgotten that the sister even had boyfriends. So I had to go back to the prologue to reconfirm the fact that they even had boyfriends to begin with – this is how abrupt it felt to me, and made me confused for a short while.
    
2. Why did Exo have to ‘kidnap’ the two sisters? Firstly, it is assumed that Jin-ah already knows everything, so why did they have to chloroform her – and why doesn’t she recognize Luhan in the prologue? Unless Jin-ah only knew about her identity and all that after she was kidnapped, but you didn’t mention that either and straightaway made it seemed like she already knew everything, which made it really confusing for me. As for Yeonrin, even if she didn’t know anything, but couldn’t they just go up to her and tell her the truth? Why hide everything until now, what is the reason for them to suddenly decide to ‘kidnap’ her after so many years? Why now? These are all reasons I crave to know.
    
3. I felt the part where Jin-ah disowned her sister was too much, and not very logical. In these kind of situations, the most one would normally do is to get angry, yell at them perhaps, then make-up. Disowning generally only happens when you’re trying to stop your family from doing something (like, getting married to a poor person etc), or if they did something extremely horrible. In this case, Yeonrin ran away from people who she believed kidnapped her, and no one told her the truth, so I don’t see why Jin-ah would disown her sister in this situation no matter how worried or angry she was.
    

There are other questions I have in my mind, but for now, I’ll just annoy you with the above three questions. I’m also sorry if I came off too demanding or pushy in my three points above, but I sincerely felt like these quirks are dragging down a plot which I believe have lots of potential. Don’t get me wrong, there are parts in your story which I really liked, such as the part where Kai talks about how much he loved Yeonrin or that part where he kissed her– but then these good sections would be soon forgotten when questions enter my head again. Overall, the mood of your story could also be darker – but I think this is something we can discuss more in a later section.

Character Development [6/10]

You do have characterization, but unfortunately, you don’t have enough depth in each character. There is also no character development seen in your story – what changes are made to both sister’s personality after living with Exo? What changes are there in the Exo members? Also, another point is that you have too many characters. Especially in the last chapters, you suddenly added in heaps of characters – and left me confused over who is who. It’s fine to have a lot of characters, only if they’re playing a background role with not much importance, but then you dedicated a whole section to Yeri and Yeonrin’s bickering and someone else is getting married and I got confused. I suggest for your next story, don’t add so many characters in – I really think it’s better to have less characters but more focus and depth on their personality then skimming through a whole bunch of characters without really giving each one a proper introduction.

Putting that aside, let’s have a talk about Yeonrin, our main character. To be completely honest with you, I really don’t like her, but that’s okay because it’s only my personal feelings about her. On the other hand, there are some parts about her character that I want to discuss with you:
 

1. No matter how dumb or stubborn her character is, she should have enough brains to tell that her sister actually knows and trusts the people who ‘kidnapped’ her, and after living with them, isn’t she able to tell that they’re not bad people? So why does she keep trying to escape? Also, why is she so surprised after hearing Kai’s story? Didn’t Daehyun already tell her? Gah…you might be doing this on purpose to make her appear innocent or naïve or whatever, but she just appeared really ignorant and stupid to me. I’m really sorry for saying this about your character, but I guess I just don’t click well with her hahha.
    
2. One minute, she’s struggling to escape and the other, she’s fighting for Exo’s attention. One minute she’s telling Kai not to touch her but the next she’s touching Kai herself. Once again, this may all be on purpose – but for me as a reader, I find it contrasting and sometimes can’t get my head around her mood changes. If you’re not doing this on purpose, then I suggest you go back and review her character because there are a lot of contrasts in there in regards to her personality.

All in all, your characterization isn’t bad. It’s just perhaps not as satisfying for me, and I would’ve hoped to see more consistency in your characterization.

Writing Style [15/20]

In some sections, I really liked your writing style, but in another, not as much. Perhaps it’s because there’s multiple people working on this story (I think), but I think it’s good to keep the style consistent because otherwise it gets a little muddled.

Anyway, back to the mood thing I was mentioning in the plot section, I reckon it’s your writing style that affects the atmosphere of the story. Sometimes, your writing style draws out the mood that I expected to find from your title, poster, description which all points to a more darker and angsty mood, but most of the times, it’s not. Sometimes I think your writing style leans towards the comedic side, due to your use of language and the way you structure your sentences. For your story, I would seriously recommend you tone down the cheerfulness and brightness and over-eagerness, because the contrast between what the cover of your story says it is and the actual content of the story disallows me to fully delve into your plot.

Firstly, I see that you type your sentences in capital letters a few times throughout the story.

Example: His eyes widened, I CAN SWEAR THEY WIDENED! 

I strongly suggest you don’t do that. The only case I would type in capital letters is only when I want to portray someone yelling, or to express an extreme emotion. In this case, when you use capital letters here, it makes your story appear to be very enthusiastic and almost immature, which unfortunately takes away from that dark mood I was hoping for.
 

Secondly, perhaps you could find darker use of language? Taking from the same example, we can see that you write with a very snappy and quirky tone. Which, is fine, if you make your story to be a light-hearted comedy. But it’s not, so instead of writing ‘His eyes widened, I CAN SWEAR THEY WIDENED!’, I would prefer something more along the lines of simply just: “His eyes widened.” There is no need for exaggeration in your language in this type of story.

Now, when I say to aim for a darker mood, I don’t mean to say that there can’t be light-hearted moments in your story. But even in your light-hearted moments, I would aim for something warmer – instead of raw comedy. Think inside the genre you’ve chosen to write, and don’t jump from this mood to that mood abruptly because that again, makes it confusing for your readers.

Of course, unless you were aiming for your story to be more comedic this whole time. Then in that case, I suggest you go change your poster, description, everything – because they give off a very angsty and dark mood.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [20/25]

Generally speaking, your grammar wasn’t too bad. They generally flow well, but there are quite a lot of small mistakes scattered here and there I think mainly just due to carelessness or not double-checking your work.

Firstly, I noticed that you often leave out the punctuation in speech marks. I’m not sure if it’s because you forgot or you simply didn’t know you had to use punctuation inside speech marks, but just in case, here is a useful website that explains this (http://www.educationscotland.gov.uk/knowledgeoflanguage/english/punctuation/speechmarks/index.asp ):
 

Original: "No one asked you to save me" he shrugged like it was nothing and kept eating the food.

Revised: "No one asked you to save me," he shrugged like it was nothing and kept eating the food.

Original: "Nothing hyung this ahjumma is just crazy" he said to the 7 feet tall guy.

Revised: "Nothing hyung. This ahjumma is just crazy," he said to the 7 feet tall guy.

Other than that, there are some quirks here and there in your grammar, but I suggest you go find a beta-reader or just check your story again yourself.

Personal Enjoyment [6/10]

Unfortunately, I am unable to fully enjoy your story. There were good parts in there though, but most of the time I felt confused. Keep in mind though, that the above are all just my suggestions and personal advice, so have a read and take whatever comment you agree on. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t agree with something I said in there, and if I overlooked anything, please let me know! Overall, I hoped this review was hopeful, and good luck for writing the rest of the story! ^_^

Final Score [70/100]