A Little Too Over

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Title [7/10]

I like how your title doesn’t spell out the plot for me, but instead makes me think about the relevance between your title and story. A Little Too Over…it could be implying that Baekhyun’s actions were a little too over, or even that Camille’s patience and love for Baekhyun was a little too over. Though I think it’s not a bad title, I do think it could be made more eye-catching. If I was browsing through a sea of fanfiction, it wouldn’t be the title to catch my eye – so I suggest for your next story, a stronger, more original title could be used.  

Description and Foreword [6/10]

You have a fairly simple description and foreword. Though it’s short, you did manage to capture the essence of your story so there’s nothing wrong with it being short. But, though short descriptions are okay, I think it was too aesthetically plain. I don’t know about others, but for me, I believe that the way the description/foreword looks can affect whether people decide to read your story or not. I’ve decided to read stories based purely off its appearance before, so I do believe there are others out there like me. Believe it or not, the appearance of you fanfiction is also a form of advertisement.

This is how I would suggest you can improve it:

1. I strongly recommend you get a poster and background, it would add interest to your story– as well being able to help your readers delve into the mood better. I suggest something of a dark blue themed colour for background and poster.
2. For your font, I reckon that since it’s an angst story, you could use a more elegant font. My favourite ones to use are: Helvetica Neune and Times New Roman.

 Plot [11/15]

Your plot is believable, realistic and flows at a reasonable speed and pace. The good thing about it is that it’s something many people can relate to, and is a plot that reflects a lot of marriages these days. Unfortunately, as much as it’s a relatable plot, it’s also a rather overused plot. Mind you, I have nothing against clichéd plots for clichéd plots are clichéd for a reason (that being it’s a plot many people, including me, enjoy), but I do think you can make it more interesting. Maybe I’ve read too many of similar plots to yours, so I get a bit immune to these kind of plots (or maybe I’m just cold-hearted T_T) but I do think there could be something more out of your story. Something that make your story more original inside its clichéd structure.

But despite all that, it was a decent plot! There’s nothing wrong with the flow as far as I can see, and you did a good job in making it realistic.

 Character Development [9/10]

Seeing as it’s a one-shot, there wouldn’t be many chances and space for you to develop your characters. But despite it being a one-shot, once again like your plot, I reckon your characters are portrayed realistically. I also liked how although you didn’t mention their personality, from their actions, I can sort of judge what kind of character they own. There’s Camille – the patient, faithful and quite forgiving wife contrasted with Bakehyun’s flirtatious (I say he is because of all his flings so I assume he would be rather active around women) and rather childish and selfish personality. Overall, great job with your characters!

Writing Style [20/20]

I enjoyed your writing style. It’s simple, and straight to the point. There weren’t any long-winded or unnecessary explanations involved, and you knew how to effectively used single words or short sentences to reflect emotion. Your writing style was alive – and I think you used a style which reflected the mood of your story. With the usage of short sentences, you were able to portray a more stoic and hard voice, one which I think mirrored the breaking marriage quite well.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [18/25]

I noticed quite a few grammatical mistakes in your plot, and I’ll just revise a few of them here. I do encourage you get a beta reader (since it’s a one-shot, it wouldn’t be too much work for them I think), because correct grammar not only allows for smoother reading, but better relaying of emotions.

Original: She was so into the euphoria of having Baekhyun that she forgot the consequences of it; that happiness won’t last long. And it did.

Revised: She was so into the euphoria of loving Baekhyun that she forgot the consequences that came along with it: that happiness won’t last long. And it didn’t.

Here, perhaps ‘loving’ would be more suitable. Also, it should be ‘didn’t’ and not ‘did’ because with saying ‘and it did’, you’re expressing that the happiness did last long.

Original: Its when-slowly-the brightful colors become gray then black that it blinds her. The laughters were dying, slowly leaving and silence resonates. ‘eerie, scary’, she thought. Until, silence left, nowhere audible; Living only the sound of a heart ripping, breaking into tiny pieces. Like a shred of glass scattered everywhere.

Revised: The change from vibrant colours to grey then finally to black blinds her. The sounds of laughter are dying, slowly leaving as silence resonates. ‘Eerie, scary’, she thought. Only silence is left, leaving only the sound of a heart ripping, breaking into tiny pieces. Like shreds of glass scattered everywhere.

I think this was a beautifully written paragraph, but unfortunately it contained many grammatical mistakes. First of all, you often switch from past to present tense. Truthfully speaking, tenses are my mortal enemy and though I’ve gotten better than before, but they still muck me up all the time. So in my revised version, I can only revise the tenses to what I think is right, but I’m not 100% sure. Secondly, I noticed with other sentences that you like to use dashes a lot. It’s fine to use dashes, but your dashes are used incorrectly and often causes the sentence to make no sense. Have a look at this website for explanation on how to use dashes:

https://www.ego4u.com/en/cram-up/writing/dash

Personal Enjoyment [6/10]

Unfortunately, your story didn’t hit me too much in the feels. But, it was quite a decent read, and you are a good writer with great writing style. I hope to see more development in your plot and grammar in the future, fighting!

Final Score [77/100]