A Week

≎≎≎≎≎≎≎≎ ♠ ≎≎≎≎≎≎≎≎

Title [8/10]

It’s a relatively simple title, but I think it matches your story quite well – what with your story being quite simple and short as well. I also like how your title relates directly to your plot, what with the span of its timeline being of a week. The only thing I would mention in regards to your title is that it’s not a very original title and I’ve seen many other stories with either the same or similar title as yours. Not that this actually bothered me a lot when I was reading your story, but if I was browsing through a sea of fanfiction, I would most likely skip over yours – so next time you write a story, maybe you can try and think of something more original and eye-catching?

Description and Foreword [7/10]

I really like the layout and design of your foreword. The poster and the background really matches well together, and overall, it’s aesthetically pleasing to look at. Honestly speaking, the layout of your foreword actually made me want to read your story because it felt comfortable to look at, so great job on that! I would just like to point out one very important thing though, and that is that the size of your text is too small. I had to strain my eyes to read your story/description, so I’ll recommend you make it bigger – because the small size took away the flow and enjoyment I could’ve had from your story, since I had to actually work hard to read your story and it also tired my eyes out.  Another thing is that in your character section, you put a photo of one girl/boy to represent a group of girls/boys and personally, it felt weird to me. Either you don’t add a photo, or you add a photo for each of your characters – this is my recommendation for you. 

In regards to the content of your description, I also liked it. But despite liking the content, there were quite a few grammatical issues here and there that gave away your English language skills which unfortunately put me off into wanting to read your story as much. Though I don’t really blame you because I’m assuming English is your second language, but I strongly suggest a Beta reader for you. I’ll just revise what I can for your description down below, and you can see if you like it or not:

Original:

It’s late again. Hayi took overtime at the office. She’s so tired. She takes a slow step to her room, but she saw someone. He smiled at her with milks at his hands.

That man offer one of his milk to Hayi, “Do you like some milk?”

“Oh, thank you…” She grabs unto it, but his hands touches her.

Her weird neighbour brought milk again from his company. This time he brought so many of it, “I think I’ll move out soon.”

Hayi was surprised, “Why?”

“The company went bankrupt. I need to find another job at the other town.” He explains to Hayi.

Hayi plainly asked him, “When are you going to move?”

“In a week.”

The conversation is end with that. She went to her room, acting like she doesn’t care at all. But actually, she was shocked. It’s been a year, she never confessed anything, and now he’ll move in a week.

Revised:

It’s late. Hayi worked overtime at the office, and now she’s exhausted. Dragging her feet to her room, Hayi was prepared to enter when someone caught her eye.

It was her weird neighbour. He had brought milk again from his company, but this time he brought back so many of it.

He smiled at her, the cartons of milk in his hands.

The man nodded to Hayi, “Do you want some?”

“Oh, thank you…” She reaches her hand out to grab it, her fingers brushing against his accidentally in the process.

“I think I’ll move out soon.”

Hayi blinked, surprised. “Why?”

“The company went bankrupt. I need to find another job at another town.” He explained.

“When are you going to move?” Hayi asked plainly.

“In a week.”

The conversation then ended with that. Hayi entered her room, acting like she doesn’t care at all, but actually, she was shocked. It’s been a year, she never confessed, and now he’ll move in a week.

 Plot [12/15]

It was a simple, yet bitter-sweet plot. I like the layout of your story with it being divided into days, and I felt that through this sort of layout, it made it easier for your readers to understand and follow the timeline. In regard to your plot, as I said before, it’s quite simple and not very complicated which made it very easy and comfortable to read. There wasn’t anything I saw in there that felt illogical, but I must admit that though I did understand that the last part (where Hayi entered ChimChim’s room and saw the paintings) was meant to be romantic, I felt a little creeped out instead. Maybe I watched too many thriller movies so it felt a bit stalker-ish and uncomfortable for me that he painted so many pictures of her and stashed gifts he bought for her in this room. This is just what I felt though, but I’m sure there are other readers who did feel that this was very heart-warming.

Character Development [6/10]

For a one-shot, I felt like there were too many characters. The thing is though, I do quite like the characters you created – except there was just no space for you to elaborate on them since after all, this is a one-shot. There is limited space and time for your readers to grow attached to your characters, and especially if you have seven characters at once, it makes it difficult for me to even remember them at all. I just about remember Hayi and ChimChim and I don’t have much impression on the rest. There was characterization in your story, but not much development was seen – it’s understandable though due to the fact of it being a one-shot, but still I would’ve hoped for more elaboration in personality.

Writing Style [18/20]

I like your writing style. Much like your title and plot, it’s very simple – but not boring. I can feel life in your writing, and though you use a lot of short sentences, it doesn’t feel abrupt to me at all. I would say that the thing I enjoyed the most about your story is your writing style, great job.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [10/25]

Unfortunately, you have many grammatical mistakes in your writing and honestly speaking, it affected the flow of the story and my enjoyment of your story. You have grammatical errors in just about every sentence, so once again, I would strongly suggest a beta-reader. But otherwise, I’ll just correct a few mistakes below:

Original: Jimin is confused looking at her who looked not happy.

Revised: Jimin felt confused as she looked at Hayi, who seemed rather unhappy.

Original: Hayi could only stare at Jimin in disbelieve.

Revised: Hayi could only stare at Jimin in disbelief.

Original: “Wait, are you going to go?” Hayi hold Jimin who is ready to going out of her room.

Revised: “Wait, are you going to go?” Hayi held onto Jimin, who was ready to go out of her room.

Personal Enjoyment [5/10]

It really was quite a shame, because your grammar was what disallowed me to fully enjoy your story. Otherwise, I felt like I would’ve enjoyed your story quite a lot, if not for your grammatical errors and also the small font of your text which made it straining for me to read. Other than that, it was a decent read, and I hope this review was helpful to you in any way!

Final Score [66/100]