A Marriage Of Inconvenience

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Title [7/10]

I find your title to be quite amusing. When I first saw it, and before I had read your plot, I was wondering about the word ‘inconvenience’. At first, I wondered if it was a mistaken use of word since usually, it would be a marriage of convenience, but then I decided you probably chose to use ‘inconvenience’ instead of ‘convenience’ on purpose. If I was to analyse your title, I’d say it have this satirical attitude to it. That despite the marriage between Chanyeol and Yuki being of convenience, in actual fact, it’s quite inconvenient for both Chanyeol and Yuki. The only people gaining true convenience out of it are their parents, henceforth making this convenient marriage into ‘a marriage of inconvenience’. Anyway, this is my perception of your title, correct me if I’m wrong.

I do have one tiny comment against your title though, and that is I find it a little too clichéd. Though it sums up your plot perfectly, it does not capture my attention completely. If I was browsing through a sea of fanfictions, your title wouldn’t catch my eye. If I wasn’t reviewing your story and paying special attention and thought to you title, it wouldn’t stick to my mind either. This is just a suggestion for your future titles, try and make it more original. Also, your title doesn’t necessary have to sum out your plot - you can choose a word that reflects the motifs in your story, or even reflecting the personality of your main characters. These are all aspects you can think about to create a more outstanding title.

Description and Foreword [7/10]

Your description and foreword is set out neatly and quite clearly for the readers to understand. I like the page dividers you used, and appreciated how you used a different colour for the small ‘titles’ in your description so that I can clearly identify each section. You have a nice poster, and the background also compliments the poster, so I must praise you for setting out a nicely formatted layout of the front page of your fanfic.

I would like to alter a little of the content of your description though. I think it’s a good description, but to me, the sentences flow a little awkwardly. It’s not that your sentences are too short, but, I think some can be connected together to make it flow smoother. For instance:

Original: That was the past and now Yuki is ready to move forward with her life. Until, her father needs one last request. Her.

Suggested: But that was all in the past, and now Yuki is ready to move forward with her life until her father demanded for one last request: her.

Here, in the original, you used three full-stops. But I altered it so that it all became one sentence. For me, this flows better in my mind, but maybe you prefer shorter sentences. It all comes down to preference, so you can have a look and see if you like my suggested version or not.

Another thing, is that I think your description can talk a little more about the ‘inconvenience’ of the marriage. Though your description does portray signs of reluctance from Yuki’s side, but I think it can be dwelled upon further to make a heavier point on how inconvenient it is. Since your title is ‘a marriage of inconvenience’, then I think a lot more emphasis needs to be made on the inconvenience of it. I also think it would be better to end the description on a note of inconvenience. A rough idea of what I’m looking at can be something like this:

Original: Family always comes first with Yuki, but what happens when love gets in the way and her past comes back to haunt her.

Suggested: Family always comes first for Yuki, but what happens when her heart begins to flutter for another man, and her hidden past begins to slowly unravel itself? Could this convenient marriage end up as a marriage of inconvenience?

Anyhow, there are better ways to phrase the last sentence, but this is just a rough idea of what I’m thinking. Once again, this is all a matter of preference, so have a look and see if you agree.

 Plot [10/15]

You have a decent plot – though once again like your title, fairly clichéd. Personally, I don’t mind clichéd plots because they’re clichéd for reasons that people like me enjoy them, but I always hope to find something more out of clichéd plots. In my opinion, a plot can be clichéd and original at the same time, or it can be purely clichéd but makes me fall in love with that same old plot once again. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel that spark in your plot – I didn’t fall in love with your story. But despite that, I did find reasonable flow and a solid plot, and your events are rather logical. There are just three questions I like to make about certain things in your plot. They’re not too important in regards to the flow of events, but I’m going to point them out anyway for you to consider and perhaps answer for me:

1. In chapter eight, Yuki talks to her best friend about her affair with EXO whilst walking down a public street and at the convenience store. I find that a little too careless of Yuki. Perhaps she is that careless, but as it is mentioned earlier by Sehun (or someone one else I forgot) that she is widely known as the daughter of the huge cooperation, I would assume since she’s sort of famous within the circle as well, she wouldn’t just blurt out scandalous information like that out on the street. Maybe she’s that dense, or maybe it’s something you didn’t think that deeply into…but I’m just pointing it out for you to consider.
2. I find it slightly weird how open Yuki and Suho is in flirting and kissing each other in front of Chanyeol. Of course, Suho and Chanyeol are in together on a plan, but Yuki’s kept in the dark about the plan. Shouldn’t she feel and be more discreet about her attractions towards Suho? Especially since she actually agreed to the marriage, I would think she wanted to be appeal to Chanyeol more.
3. From what I’ve read, it seemed as if Yuki was in the past. (I did feel quite sad during that part of her flashback, no one should go through that kind of pain) In most cases, the victim would be more scarred and frightened of body contact, but Yuki seemed quite willing to get intimate with boys. As the past isn’t fully revealed yet, so we don’t know if she’s actually in the end, but if she was, I would expect her to be more jittery around guys. Or maybe she’s part of the rare minority and isn’t as traumatized.

Please don’t feel too upset or offended because even I feel as if I’m just trying to point out your faults. In fact, despite your plot not catching that much of my attention, It’s a nicely thought out plot – and I’m sure there are many others out there who would love your plot. In regards to the questions I pointed out above, take it in as consideration, and I hope they turn out to be more helpful than offensive. ^_^

Character Development [8/10]

Your characters each have their own personality, and there is reasonable progress of actions that come in play with their personality. Nothing much to comment on your character development, but I must say that I don’t like any of your characters. T_T They all piss me off…but that’s not your fault (well, it kinda is because you created them ahah), I just don’t click well with them I guess.

Writing Style [18/20]

I have no problems with your writing style. Though it’s not the best, but I would think that your writing style is more than above average. I’ve read in your author’s note that you’re not very confident with your writing skills, but I just want to say here: listen to your boyfriend! Whilst there is space for improvement, (much like everyone else, including me) you have a writing style that you should be proud of. Keep up the good work!

I just have one suggestion in regards to the way you format your paragraphs – I saw that your separate your character’s speech and the description so that they aren’t lined up. I think it would look better aesthetically if your lines are lined up together. So, instead of:

“This dog is very cute.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The dog in front of me had yellow,
beady eyes and an ugly sneer which revealed its dirtied teeth.
 

I think it would be better to format it like this:

“This dog is very cute.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The dog in front of me had yellow, beady eyes and an ugly sneer which revealed its dirtied teeth.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [24/25]

There wasn’t any major mistakes in your spelling and grammar. I did pick up some mistakes though, but they seemed more like careless typos that didn’t really affect the flow of writing. I’ll just go over them below, but otherwise, great job!

(Chapter two)

Original: “Here, here!” The crowd yelled back.

Revised: “Hear, hear!” The crowd yelled back.

(Chapter three & eleven)

Original: Luckily, I stopped it before their was any irreparable damage.

Revised: Luckily, I stopped it before there was any irreparable damage.

Original: We sat their and we talked about each others home lives

Revised: We sat there and we talked about each other’s *private lives.

*I think private would sound better than home

(Chapter eleven)

Original: I told him about my pain the (self-proclaimed) little brother/student, Myung Dae

Revised: I told him about my pain in the (self-proclaimed) little brother/student, Myung Dae

As you can see, they’re more like careless errors. Just be careful when writing future chapters that you go over what you wrote to prevent any more careless mistakes like these.

Personal Enjoyment [6/10]

It’s a good story, but not one that captured my heart. Nonetheless, don’t feel too discouraged by my review! I’m being extra harsh here as a reviewer in order to provide you with comments that can help improve your writing, and even if I didn’t enjoy it as much, I’m sure other people will! I also read in your author’s note that you’re writing this story with such a busy life – so kudos to you on that! Keep up the good work!

Final Score [80/100]