An Inheritor's Marriage

≎≎≎≎≎≎≎≎ ♠ ≎≎≎≎≎≎≎≎

Story Title: (3/5)

To be honest, I’m not sure how to describe your title. It’s not a bad title, but it’s not a particularly excellent one as well. It’s sort of lingering around the fence, if you get what I mean, and though it does suit your whole storyline and all, I’m not certain if it’s the best title for your story.

For one, it’s pretty clichéd, and secondly, it’s not very creative, but it does sum up your whole plot. Once glance at your title and I already know what your story is going to be about without having to read the plot yet. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but I’m sure some more creativity in your title would definitely be beneficial to attracting more readers. Anyway, I have nothing against your title, so all’s good, moving on.

Appearance: (9/10)

a.) Poster and Background (5/5)

I love the poster. The constant purple motif in the poster and background really accentuates the sophisticated and high-class aura you would expect to receive from inheritors of rich companies. It suits the overall storyline well, and you have your own personalized background, which thankfully, isn’t too bold or eye-catching as such that it disrupts the reader’s attention away from the actual storyline.

b.) Lay-out and Formatting (4/5)

Once again, nothing to pick on. I see the purple motif ringing throughout again in your character chart. The layout of the article is pretty cool as well, I think that really adds interest to the arty section of your story. The only reason why I knocked down a point is because although I have nothing to pick on, I think there’s still space for improvement. Though there’s nothing wrong with it, visually, it could be made more eye-catching. Don’t fret about it though, because the way it is right now is fine…it just didn’t struck me as the perfect layout for your story.

Description and Foreword: (7.5/10)

You basically summed up your whole story with the one quote: ‘I want you to experience a true marriage, not an arranged one.’

The quote itself is interesting, because from past experiences of reading stories dealing with arranged marriage, both sides of the party is usually reluctant about the arranged marriage. This quote is an advantage to your story because it’s something unexpected from the expected, so good job on that.

Now, though your way of describing your story is cool and flashy with the article and all that, I think the part after the article can probably be better with some fixing up.

Firstly, it’s a little too long for my liking and though I think giving us an insight to the character’s perception of the marriage is a good idea, there are some parts in there that comes off unnecessary which drags down the whole thing. Secondly, the grammatical errors in there also turned me off, but considering English isn’t your first language, you still did a decent job in the way you described them.

Anyway, referring back to the length of the description, I suggest you go over the description and delete unnecessary stuff. For instance, the first paragraph you wrote about Jinki practically revolved around the same topic. You took too long to get to the point, and some rewording and deleting of sentences could benefit you.

For Example:

Original: Being the polite person that he was, Jinki continued looking at the man giving his presentation. However the thoughts in his head refused to stay in it's position. They roamed around his mind and took over his conscious. Then she popped up in his head. After all these years, he couldn't push her out of his memories. He missed her, really, but life had its courses. He had no choice but to take the obstacles that were handed to him and accept them. Jinki was still upset about his father's decision of dismissing the girl he truly grew fond of. But it was the past and the past is meant to be forgotten, even if it leaves one wounded and scarred. 

Revised: Though Jinki looked like he paid full attention to the man giving the presentation, his mind roamed off about her. After all these years, he still couldn't push her out of his memories and although he missed her, he had no choice but to take on the obstacles life handed him and accept things the way they are now. Jinki was still upset about his father's decision of dismissing the girl he truly loved, but it was in the past and the past is meant to be forgotten, even if it left one wounded and scarred. 

Remember: The shorter and more precise your description is, the better.

Character Development: (8.5/15)

a.) Unity of the Characters and Their Actions (2/5)

I’m so sorry for the harsh marking here, because I sincerely felt like you put effort in developing your characters. Unfortunately though, it wasn’t up to my standard. Before I start the nagging, please take in mind that these things take time to develop, and if you acknowledge your disadvantages, then you will surely grow faster.

Now, let’s get straight to the point: thought the actions of your characters weren’t ridiculous or ludicrous, they were quite choppy and sudden in terms of the development of relationships with each other.

Let’s break down what you could improve on with our protagonist, Moon Nayeon:

From what I’ve read, she’s a sarcastic, clever girl with a broken-heart protected by the walls she built up for herself. She’s not someone true to her feelings and is willing to put up a façade to earn the respect and love she doesn’t get from her family. So I found it weird that the ice queen who practically ignored Jinki on their first meeting opened up her heart that quickly to him on their second meeting – their wedding day. I understand if she’s giddy from receiving this passionate response from Jinki which she’s never experienced before, but the transition from an impassionate model to a blushing teenage girl was way too sudden. Shouldn’t she be a bit more refined, a bit more…suspicious of him?

The same applies to the plane ride in the third chapter. She barely knows the guy and she’s already taking cute selcas and holding hands with him. Where is the progress in between? What does she base her trust and love in him on? For your next story, think about the importance of progress. A broken heart is an untrusting heart. And trust definitely isn’t built upon sweet-words and a few simple exchanges of sincere gazes.

Jinki was portrayed a little bit better than Nayeon. But once again, how does he fall in love with Nayeon? And why?

b.) Evolution of the Characters (2.5/5)

I’m sure it’s not unexpected that this section is heavily affected by the first one. I did increase the mark by half a point though because the evolution of Jinki and the other characters are reasonable. It’s just Nayeon’s character development that I’m worried about, since her transition from cold to loving to cold and back to loving isn’t very convincing.

Now, please don’t feel unfair that I marked this section so low based solely on Nayeon, because her development is extremely important in your story. She is the voice of this story, and despite Jinki being the male lead, let’s face it, it’s Nayeon who the readers are concerned about. Do you ever get this feeling where when the male lead gives affection to another girl, you feel unfair and angry inside? Yet when the female lead is misunderstood by the male lead, you feel all uncomfortable and guilty and awkward inside? This is because the story is read through Nayeon’s eyes; your readers have become Nayeon herself. Henceforth, Nayeon’s development needs to be realistic and progressive otherwise your readers won’t be able to delve into your story fully.  

c.) Point of View Used (4/5)

I have nothing against the third person point of view you used, it suits the story, and there wasn’t any weird skips of P.O.Vs in between which allowed smoother reading. Overall, good job with your choice of point of view.

Plot: (24/35)

a.) Originality (3/5)

I will not be commenting about how ‘clichéd’ the idea of an arranged marriage is because technically, every single story under the sun is based off clichéd structures. Now, if I was to talk about how you constructed an overused idea and made it your own, it would be a different matter.

Thinking back to your plot, I couldn’t trace something that stood out to me in terms of originality. But, I do not think that your plot is boring in anyway, in fact, it has a steady foundation going on even though the events occurring inside it doesn’t give me any pleasant little surprises which I had hoped would find. I didn’t give you a particularly high mark here though because technically I could already guess what was going to happen next. What made your story interesting wasn’t the originality or the excitement from guessing what was going to happen next, but the way you described it. I will discuss this later on in another section.

A random extra note: I quite like the fluff scene between Lee Wang and his wife in the last chapter, it’s a cute little breather from all that tension going on, and I always like seeing the warm and humane side to the evil guys. It lets me hold onto that hope that there’s good in all humans.

b.) Setting of the story (4/5)

You have a nice range of settings, and each setting has its own significant meaning. The coffee shop represents the relaxed and casual Nayeon, who jogs inside the shop wearing a sport outfit. Nayeon’s house represents the suffocation of her childhood; her shared house with Jinki represents emptiness and loneliness and the city of Taipei represents the highlight of their marriage- the honeymoon phase. It’s nice to see that each setting has its own little meaning to it, because it’s a powerful tool to relay emotions to your readers.

c.) Theme of the story (3/5)

I guess you do have occurring little themes throughout your story, but I don’t sense a strong theme that holds the plot together. Looking back at your story, you talked about the ideas of a corrupted family driven by money and value, the search for happiness and love, marriage…etc. But even though you mentioned these ideas, I don’t think you really expanded or dug deeper within these underlying messages. Maybe it’s because your story isn’t finished yet, but I do think it’s worthwhile to spend some time discussing these ideas even further. I believe literature is written to express the author’s thoughts, and I believe you have your own views on this world and the way it works. Dig your heart out, I want to be able to understand your thoughts through reading your story.

d.) Flow and pattern of events (8/10)

You are true and consistent to the genre you’ve chosen to work within, so that’s all good. But the flow of your actual storyline progressed a bit too quickly, which I believed I mentioned in the Character development section. The elements within a story is all linked together, many things affect each other, so the fast and sudden progress of your character’s development is tied together with the flow of the events.

Regarding the rise and fall of action in your plot, I think it’s done well enough. You have nice cliff-hangers in the right places, and your ending sentences to each paragraph is phrased well enough so that it sounded and felt resolved. Hence, this boosted your marks up for this section.

e.) Conflicts and Resolutions (6/10)

You have your fair shares of conflicts in your story which boosted interest and suspense. However, I’m not too fond of the way you resolved them.

Let’s analyse the conflicts and resolutions between Nayeon and Jinki.

Firstly, the resolution of Nayeon being the cold wife to Jinki was resolved too easily. As I mentioned before, she just poured all her trust on him based on a few sincere gazes and words. This conflict should’ve been resolved slowly as time progressed on.

Thankfully, the conflict that happened again between the two was convincing enough. He was seen cheating on her, and you mentioned that she loves him already so I can understand her overreactions and her anger directed towards him.

The resolution that happened next was a bit sudden though. They almost did the deed, and if I recalled clearly, she pushed him away feeling ashamed. This part was understandable, but what was unexpected to me was that the next day they were back to being lovey dovey again as if nothing happened. Maybe I misread something here, but yeah, I just think you could think of clearer and more realistic solutions to each of your conflicts.

Grammar and Writing style: (14/20)

a.) Choice of words and Use of Language (4/5)

Something I’m glad to see here is that you experimented with using more advanced adjectives to describe the emotions of your characters. These experiments with words added quite a few points to your conveying of emotions, but why do I say that you’re “experimenting” with words? Well, it’s because I’ve noticed quite a few mistakes about your choice of words in some areas. I will only be going over a few in the space below:
 

Original: But your neck is looking very .

Revised: But your neck is looking quite bare.

Firstly, let’s go over the definition for ‘’. Straight off from an online dictionary, ‘’ literally means ‘wearing no clothes; ’ or ‘of a pinkish-beige colour’. Now, from the definitions mentioned above, and from the pronunciation of the word itself, don’t you think the word ‘’ gives off an awkward, and exposed feeling? Therefore, putting the word ‘’ in this sentence automatically gives it an awkward quality, and I don’t think it’s appropriate to say that a neck is ‘wearing no clothes’ or is looking of a very ‘pinkish-beige’ colour. I changed the term ‘’ to ‘bare’, which not only sounds smoother, but also means that the neck is looking quite plain without any jewelleries to decorate it. So next time you feel the urge to use the word ‘’, think carefully about whether it fits this particular scene or sentence.

Original: Nayeon felt her heart and all the organs surrounding it begin to deteriorate and collapse

Revised: Nayeon’s heart beat painfully as she felt her stomach churn nauseously.

OR

Nayeon felt like her heart was about to collapse from the suffocating pain.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I assumed you were trying to express that Nayeon felt like her insides were hurting due to the emotional pain she was suffering. If that is the case, then your original sentence sounded a bit clumsy in terms of how you put it together. First of all, ‘all the organs surrounding it’ sounds clumsy and messy, it doesn’t sound very emotionally convincing to me, and it sounded like her insides were literally failing her. If you wanted to express her body showing physical signs of her emotional wellbeing, then I think it’ll be fine for you to just talk about her heart and expand on it.

b.) Grammatical Errors (5/10)

I can’t really blame you for this section since English is your second language, so I won’t discuss anymore here and will just point out a few things I found. Note: Below I only corrected two mistakes I see reoccurring throughout your story from chapter 3 (A Hostile person) and chapter 5 (Two Types of Men). For the other more minimal mistakes regarding tenses, spelling errors and the sort, I suggest you go find a beta reader to correct it for you.

Original: Minrin walked to her car. She fished her keys out of her purse. Suddenly her hands were pulled and she was pushed against her car. She let out a scream but was muffled by a large hand.

Revised: Fishing her keys out of her purse, Minrin walked over to her car when suddenly, she was pushed roughly against her car by a pair of strong arms. She let out a scream but was immediately muffled by a large hand.

I see this reoccurring throughout your story but…you use too many full stops!! Overusing full stops causes short sentences which irritates the flow of the story, and this prevents smooth reading for your readers. I’ll give you a hint here: Sometimes, a little rewording of your sentences might just do the magic.

Original:  Her mother smiled and push a strand of hair behind her daughter's hair, "I love you sweetie," and handed her Nayeon's sunglasses, "See you tonight, okay?" Her eyes directed to the hidden paparazzi from behind her. 

Revised: "I love you sweetie," Her mother smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind Nayeon’s ears as she handed her sunglasses, her eyes directing to the hidden paparazzi behind her, "See you tonight, okay?"
 

So, your positioning of dialogue is all over the place. You have quotation marks stuck awkwardly in the middle of a sentence, and not only does it cause confusion, it also just doesn’t work that way. I’m not an English Language student, but I am pretty sure that you can’t just casually add in dialogue whenever you feel like it. It needs to be structured, and thought about. I’ll give you the two most basic and probably most used sentence structures regarding dialogue that I use:

1. “Well,” she laughed as she clapped her together, “that’s absolutely wonderful.”

(speech)                        (action)                                       (speech)

2. “You wish.” The girl snorted with a roll of her eyes.

(speech)                           (action)

Now, I’m pretty sure these aren’t the only two available structure you can use regarding dialogue, maybe go online and search up more examples. But keep in mind that your sentence structuring right now is kind of all over the place. Keep practicing though, as the saying goes, practice makes perfect.

c.) Writing style (5/5)

I believe the reason why your story can be considered interesting is due to your writing style. Despite all the flaws I mentioned above, your writing is alive. I have read many stories before with excellent grammar but without life and energy in it. Certainly, excellent grammar and original ideas will help your story become more interesting, but without the use of imagery or figurative language, your writing becomes dull, dead even. You have a pretty decent writing style, and I can see you think of ways to make the English language as vibrant as possible. Therefore, congratulations on receiving full marks for this section! Hurray!

Over-all Enjoyment: (3/5)

Hey, despite mentioning all these technical errors up there, I didn’t have a bad time reading your fanfic. I don’t know how you feel, but when I was writing this review, I felt like I was depriving you of compliments. Not because I wanted to please you, but because your story really isn’t as bad as I might’ve made it sound like to be. As I said before, your writing is alive, so even though you have many technical errors, it’s better than having excellent grammar but with a dead writing style. Anyway, I do think that your story have potential if you will just be more careful of things such as the flow and development of characters, grammatical errors and the flow of events. Good luck! Hwaiting!

♠ TOTAL SCORE: 69/100