TRIGGER WARNING.

You and the little one now both had your arms crossed and were staring at each through slits in your eyes, facing off in a stare down just like those old western cowboy movies. You were definitely the town’s good cowboy, and she was the mean ol’ cowboy who just liked to pick on the weak. And when you say weak, you meant yourself. You were shaking in your boots but couldn’t let your fear show!

You weren’t sure how to handle a crying kid. Every time a kid started crying, you just usually backed away and let the parents handled that. That was their job. That was exactly why you never babysat anyone’s kid. However, in between cries Sarang shot bullets. The first bullet hit you in the shoulders when she hollered that she wanted her mommy. The second hit your stomach when she told you to go away and the third went straight through your heart when she told you she didn’t like you.

She just kept crying and her parents weren’t around, so you went with your first instinct; fight fire with fire. Well in this case, cry with cry.

You released an hideous whale whine just loud enough to drown out hers, but not loud enough to where the neighbors would call the cops. It made her own cry died down because she got confused as to why a fully grown adult was making that weird sound.

Ha!

She tried to cry a bit louder but you just amped up your volume. You two battle cried like that for a couple of rounds trying to up each other until she finally stopped and gave up.

So there you two were just staring at each other in the middle of the living room.

You had to try and figure out what evil demon spirit was possessing Sarang! You needed to perform some sort of exorcism. You needed your cute adorable Sarang back or else when her parent came back, you’d be the one with snot and tears.

Hmmm but what could you say? What would bring Angelic Sarang back?

“Sarang… wanna play dress up?”

“No!” Pow! Right in the right in the soul.

You sighed. Ok… Let’s try another option.

“Sarang… wanna read a book?”

“No!” UCK. That didn’t hurt any less.

Think. Think. Think. If you were a little girl, what was something you could never say no to...

LIGHT BULB!

“Sarang… wanna eat ice cream?”

Silence.

Muah-ha-ha-ha! Eureka!

“MmMmMmmm.. “ You hummed as you your lips and rubbed your tummy, “Ice cream with lots and lots of whip cream sounds so good right now. I wonder if they’ll add strawberries on top…” you tapped yours finger to your mouth.

The evil demon in her was shaking, as her arms dropped to her side and you heard her gulp.

Now for the smack down.

“Should we go and see if they’ll even add chocolate fudge too?”

She hopped on her tippy toes and tapped on them with excitement.

Boom! You blew the barrel of your gun as the confettis fell and all the imaginary towns people came out and hip hip and horrayed!

“But wait....” You said and her excited smile vanished.

You needed to make sure that her tantrum wasn’t going to happen again. You definitely didn’t want her wailing out in public and having people staring at you like you were the worst parent in the world because for one, she was not your kid, and two, you wouldn’t know how to deal with her again. Ice Cream worked that time, but you weren’t sure if it’ll work again. Kids were random bombs to you and you were clueless to which wires to cut to diffuse them.

“Are you going to be mean again? Mean Sarang made me sad earlier. Ice cream is only yummy when sharing it with nice friends.”

“Sad?” Her eyebrows instantly showed that she just realized she did something bad, “I made you sad?” Her lips pouted in guilt.

“Yeah… I was sad.” You knelt down, so that you were at her eye level. “Did I do something wrong? Is that why you don’t like me?” Just saying that last part was like touching an open wound.

She looked to the ground as if struggling with the words inside her. Your heart tightly squeezed thinking what could you have done to make her feel that sad at that young of an age.

You grabbed her little hands, “Please tell me, I want to make you feel better.”

Still avoiding your eyes, she slipped her hands out of yours, which stung you more than you would have ever thought. You wanted to grab her hand again, but resisted.

Her voice trailed out in soft sadness, “Grandma…Grandma said... you were trying to make mommy go away.”

“W-what…N-”

“She said that I have to make you go away, so that mommy could stay.” She began huffing as if she was trying to be the biggest girl that she could be and not cry. Her hands tried to wipe away the evidences of the tears.

“I-I-I didn’t want to… I didn’t know it was going to make you sad… but I don’t want mommy to leave me…” She couldn’t hold it in anymore, she cried out in guilt, fear and worries. All the feelings a little girl her age shouldn't be feeling all at one time.

You scooped her into your arms, “Sarang, no no no. I would never do that. Your mom is the bestest mom for you. I don’t want your mom to ever go away.”

Sarang looked up at you hiccuping, trying to calm her own cries, “R-R-Really?”

You wiped the tears from her cheeks and smoothed out her bangs,  “Of course. Your mom will never ever ever leave you. Your mom loves you so much Sarang, Nothing and no one can ever make her go away.” You smiled at her trying to make her see the sincerity in your words.

“I’m sorry I made you sad.” Her eyes returned to the ground.

You lift her chin so that she looked at you, “It’s ok, but doesn’t talking about it make you feel better now?”

She did a little nod.

“From now on… if you’re not happy with me. You can always talk to me, OK? It’s better to talk about it, so we can figure a way to make it better, instead of keeping bad feelings inside here…” You tickled her tummy.

She squirmed and giggles filled the room

Ah...There was the Sarang you loved.

“Should we make you feel even better with … Ice Cream?!”

“Yeah!” She hopped out of your arms and her fingers wrapped around your two fingers and pulled you to the door with her sunshine smile.

---

You watched as Sarang slept in her hot pink tutu and sparkly turquoise mermaid dress after she crashed from her sugar rush.

You couldn’t believe that Jinyoung’s mom told something like that to Sarang. What did you ever do to her? Did she want her son and Chorong to be together that bad? That ignited a fire in you. Then you remembered what Halabeoji said. This was the battle he was talking about.

You heard the door rattled and the lock clicked.

Before you could get off the couch, Chorong opened and walked through the door. Those flames in you grew. How can someone still be that gorgeous after a long work of day? Why did she still have a key to his apartment? Why couldn’t you have met Jinyoung first? Why did they have such a cute kid? Why were you such an understanding girlfriend?! You knew your thoughts were ridiculous. BUT STILL! You were annoyed.

She paused a bit when she saw you standing there, but not as if she was surprised you were there, but as if she wasn’t ready to see you.

You gave her a smile as genuine as anyone could give their boyfriend’s ex, and she returned the same awkward smile that anyone could give to their ex’s new girlfriend.

The atmosphere was awkward enough to make anyone’s organs shrivel up.

“Sarang is sleeping.” You finally said, because someone needed to say something.

She nodded, which made the air feel like it was made of jell-o.

You hadn’t thought about it, but who was going to be the one to leave… you or her?

Well… it was your boyfriend’s apartment, but also, Sarang’s Dad’s… but she was sleeping…so…

“Can we talk?” If the apartment wasn’t completely quiet besides the ticking of the clock on the wall, you probably wouldn’t have heard her.

You two both took a seat at the corner of the dining table.

You were looking at her, waiting for her to say what she needed to say, but all she was doing was just looking at her hands.

As you looked over to the clock wondering if it had always been that loud; you heard the chair screeched.

Chorong was on her knees in front of you with her fist clenched tight on her thighs. Her eyes glued to the floor.

You shot up instantly unsure of how to react to the situation.

“Whoa whoa whoa! What are you doing?!” You yelped above a whisper, then looked up to make sure you didn’t wake Sarang.

You got down and tried to pick her up, but she tensed up not wanting to be helped.

“Please” She began to cry, “Please leave Jinyoung. P-P-Please.”

Your released her arms. Frozen.

Tears downpour from her eyes and dropped onto her white and red blotched hands as her nails dug deeper into her shaking palm.

“He’s all that Sarang and I have…” Her fist went to her chest as if she was trying to feel for something that wasn’t there anymore.

“I have no family, no friends. Everyone turned their back on me when I became pregnant with Sarang. Do you know how much it hurts so much to see the ones I loved, the ones I thought would be in my life forever, pushed me out the door and slammed it on my face and never spoke to me ever again.” She cried as the painful memories replayed in her mind.

“On the day Sarang was born, the day that was supposed to be filled with congratulations and loves, I-I-I never felt more alone in my life.” Her voice shook as those words came to light for the very first time. She never told Jinyoung about her depression because she didn’t want to burden him. She just kept her thoughts and feelings buried inside.

“I held onto Sarang and cried. I cried because I felt alone. I cried because I felt guilty for feeling alone. I cried because Sarang deserved a better mom. I was being selfish on the day that was supposed to be the happiest and it was suppose to be about her, but I couldn’t help it. If Jinyoung wasn’t there, I don’t think I’d still be here on this earth now. I went back to school because I wanted to make something of myself. I wanted to make him proud, show him that I would finally be worthy to become his wife.”

Her eyes shifted reliving the past few months, “But now… now… I have no one. The only thing we ever talk about is Sarang.” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’m losing myself. I’m going crazy.”

Your heart ached for her.  As much as you loved being alone, you have never felt the loneliness that she felt. You tried to escape your huge crazy family every chance you got, but to think if any one of them decided to turn their back on you over something that meant so much to you. You couldn’t bear even an ou