The thing that I afraid the most, that I want to hide until my last breath,  is when I fall onto my weakest state and he see it. It’s hunting me every time I slap the table in my bedroom with teary eyes, one hand on my chest, catching for air. I’m really worry that he will hear me, dying. I need to be strong, if not for my self which I knew I don’t have any chances more, at least for keeping him clueless about this. He is so precious to me. It’s sad that I can’t show him how much he mean to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     “Jack-Jackson what?!” a boy feel like his heart was getting a pang of storm as he listen to his teacher words. His body is trembling over the fear and thoughts, his bad feeling now answered by the news. “Calm down Bambam-ahh, he is now in Hospital. I will bring you there. Pack your thing.” He did as he said to, Bambam can’t think about other thing, what’s in his mind right now is just only Jackson.

    What was happened to Jackson, what will happen to Jackson, his eyes start to become blurry with the tears. The ride just take about 15 minutes but feel so long for Bambam and after his teacher parked the car, he run toward the counter, asking where is his Jackson now. The nurse said that the patient was in the middle of operation. Another storm slap him in the face. “If just I stayed.” He say to himself as he remember how clingy Jackson just now and how he do not want to let go of Bambam’s hand but Bambam forced him to do. Regret, just regret.

    “Bambam!” he turn his head to his left, toward the caller of his name. “Jae-Jaebum hy-hyung! Why hyung! WHY? Hy-hyung, Jacks-son! What ha-happened to-to him? Hyung!” Bambam shake the boy’s shoulder continually but the latter just keep his mouth shut. Its make the worries in his heart grow even bigger. “Hyung! Tell me! Ta-talk somet-thing! Why is Jackson he-here?!” Bambam just watch Jaebum bit his lips as he try to stop his tears from falling, he can see how much the elder want to act strong, like this is nothing at all and Bambam don’t have to be worry, but he can see through it, the pain and fear in Jaebum eyes.

     He know right that time, something bad happened to Jackson and he do not know a . “Bambam!” he and Jaebum turn theirs body to look at his parent running to them. Mr. Wang and Mrs. Wang are crying same as him did.  Bambam lean into his mom and give her a hug while she do not stopping from saying she is sorry. Bambam is confused to hell but he still caress his mom back to give the women some strength to endure the pain.

    30 minutes past between them, and Bambam world has turn into hell at those time. Now he know, now he understand, now he feel, now he’s dead. After Mrs. Wang told him what is actually happened to his brother, that Bambam think as a punishment for him because being so careless about Jackson, Bambam fall onto the ground. In his 17 years old life, just today he know that Jackson have a heart cancer.

    “At first, it’s a lung cancer and it may can be heal but then, Jacksonnie have another cancers after he grew up. Mom want to tell you about this but Jackson do not want to. He begged me to keep it as a secret from you. He don’t want you to worry about him.” The mother of two child wipe her tears with sob. “I’m sorry Bammie. I should have told you earlier.” Bambam can only listen to his mom without  doing anything. It is too much for him to handle. The pain was real.

    His knees meet the ground with tears rolling down from his eyes. “Hy-hyung.” He call for the eldest. Mr. Wang come by his son side and hug the younger’s shoulder. I’m sorry words are hearing from both mother and father.  Jaebum just stand a feet from the family and watch them with salt water cover his eyes.

************

  Time flied faster than they though, Jackson operation was done by that time. The doctor said something to the parents and Bambam. “We had did our best, but, I’m really sorry.”  Bambam shakes his head in disbelief. He bit his lips hardly until it bleeding, his heart is beating so fast and he do not want to hear the next sentence from the Doctor.  Jaebum run toward Bambam and hold the younger before he fall down. “The cancer were already in stage 3 and it’s impossible to-” “NO. NO. NO. JUST NO!” Bambam cut the doctor word.

    “You are a ing Doctor! Do something! Save my hyung!” Mr. Wang and Jaebum need to hold both of Bambam hands to stop him from shaking and pulling the doctor’s white coat. Bambam break into tears as his mom thanking the doctor. All he can do is now crying, crying, and crying. He always watch the eldest, admire him, listen to him, his eyes never leave him even though Jackson punched him, kicked him, or called him names, his eyes were always on that boy but how can he didn’t know a about Jackson’s cancer.<