CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
 

My heart...
my heart is already in love
Missing you so...
~It's Love, (Taeyeon and Sunny, SNSD)

Hyun Mi opened the door and found her way inside despite the bleak darkness then sat on the bed. It had been hours since she arrived with those swollen eyes and pale facade that she panicked but her daughter insisted of being left alone after taking her medicines. Seo Hyun had her back towards her while hugging her white teddy bear so she slowly took a pillow and placed it forward then laid herself beside her daughter. 

“Seo Hyunie... did you happen to see someone there?”

She felt her mom's weight beside her. She remained silent but slowly shook her head to answer her.

Moving closer, she put her arm on Seo Hyun's waist carefully pulling her gently towards her, “Okay, Umma trusts that answer...” She closed her eyes feeling her child's deep breathing. It has been a long time since she slept beside her baby and she missed the feeling. She was all grown up now, even taller than her.

“Umma...”

“Hmmm?” Hyun Mi opened her eyes again and stared at the closed window. The subdued light from the lamp post outside wasn't enough to give her a good view of the room.

“Do you ever wonder about him?”

She smiled to herself as she understood her meaning, “Yes, I do— a lot.”

“What if you saw him again? Would you be sad and mad?”

“I—” Hyun Mi stopped for a moment making sure she would be saying the right thing, “I don't know about that. It has been a long time.”

“If he saw you one day, he would surely recognize you...”

Her voice seemed to fade in the darkness but her heart was telling her something so she put a hand on her shoulder. Seo Hyun hardly moved in her place as she tried to make her lie on her back so she decided not to push her anymore. She must verify her thoughts though, “Did you see him, Ju Hyun?”

“Seo Hyun, mom...” she could feel her lips quiver again but went on, “I'm Seo Hyun...”

“Oh, baby...” It was a confirmation. She did see him. Hyeon Mi finally forced her to face her and when she turned she pulled her in her arms. 

Seo Hyun slid down to bury her face on her mom's chest and tears found their way out again. She thought she had cried all of them in the restaurant but she was wrong. It was so painful all over again that she could not do anything but to hide on her mother's body. Her mom was her back again and was slowly humming just like what she would always do before to get her to sleep.

But right that moment, she doesn't know if she could sleep well since everything seemed to be hurting again. Her eyes, her head, her stomach, her chest. She cried softly trying hard not to make a sound because her mom might get scared remembering the time she cried out loud because of the pain.

She doesn't want to see her mom cry and she hated herself for being so weak at that point. She shouldn't have said anything at all but she has so many questions, only the fear of making her mom cry was stopping her.

“Shhhh.... it's okay... everything's going to be okay... hush now...” Hyun Mi her back and kissed the crown of her head gently. That was what she was fearing-- to see her daughter senselessly breakdown again. Her own tears were streaming down her face but she tried to fight them. She wanted to remain as the strong mother Seo Hyun has always known, “We will be okay...”

~~~

She was awakened by the shushed tone outside. Maybe her dad was home. Groggy still, she sat up and scratched her eyes. Sometimes, her dad would come home very very late at night since he worked far away and in different places. He was rarely home and would come mostly during weekends and holidays or not at all. Umma said he was working for the government and help build bridges and other stuff like those around the country so he was not always home. It was okay since he would call them-- her, especially, and would bring delicious treats or toys or books and sometimes all, every time he came home.

Ju Hyun smiled thinking of what he had brought her. She slipped off the bed and opened the door. The voices were getting louder as she walked through the dark hallway. It was okay walking in the dark since she could hear Umma and Appa's voice in the living room-- she was not afraid.

“How could you even think about that!? Fine! Do whatever you want! ”

It was her dad. His voice was kinda mad despite how he tried to talk not so loud. But why was he using that tone to her mom? She shook her head since she was sleepy, maybe it was just her imagination.

“Umma? Appa?” She mumbled as she tried to adjust her vision to the sudden glow of the kitchen light. Her parents were in the living room but the lights there were off and only that glow from the kitchen faintly lit the room.

“Ju Hyun? Why are you still up?” 

Her mom walked towards her but suddenly her dad swept her off her feet, “Appa...” she buried her face on his neck as soon as he lifted her up. She was feeling sleepy again.

“Hee Jun--”

“Aigoo... my baby girl. It's past your bedtime, you better go back to sleep.”

Her dad started walking towards her bedroom leaving her mom on the living room. She wondered what they were talking about.

“Appa... are you mad at Umma?” she mumbled as he laid her down to bed tucking her sheets up to her chin.

“Hmmm... there are just some things we were discussing. Ju Hyun, be good to Umma since Appa is not always around okay?”

“Uh-huh...” she nodded.

“Be good in school, study hard and eat healthy food.”

“Okay...”

“And... and...”

“And?”

“And don't forget Appa loves you very very very much...”

“Okay...” Appa sounded weird but she was too sleepy to ask.

“How about me? Do you love me too?”

“Uh-huh...” she nodded then smiled, “And Umma too...”

“But, how much do you love Appa?”

“Appa, I'm sleepy...” she grumbled so he put a palm on her cheek and laughed. She loves her daddy's laugh. It has a funny sound that made you want to laugh at it too...

“But you have to tell me first...”

She nodded then spread out her arms. “This much...”

The next day, she woke up and tried to feel her dad beside her but only her pillows were there so she pushed her blanket off her body. She sat up for awhile letting her feet dangle on her bed before finally hopping down. 

Ju Hyun walked to the kitchen and saw mom facing the sink and was busy cutting apples.

“Good morning, Umma...” she mumbled.

“Take your seat.”

Her mom just said without looking back at her so she pulled her chair and sat up, “Where's Appa?”

“He's gone...”

Her mom simply said. It was normal but somehow it was weird since he just arrived that night. Ju Hyun took the burger bun and started spreading some mayonnaise and reached out for the hamburger patty and some tomatoes. Whenever her mom feels lazy to cook something, she would just prepare hamburger and let her put everything together. She took a bite and poured orange juice from the pitcher beside the toaster.

“When is he gonna come back?” She asked her mom while chewing her food.

“Ju Hyuna, how many times do I need to tell you that it's impolite to talk when your mouth is full?”

“I'm sorry,” she mumbled then gulped her juice. Her umma is sometimes like that in the morning-- a little grumpy.

“Hurry, you will be late for school.”

“Okay... but Umma,” she swallowed afraid that she might scold her again, “When is Appa coming home? He promised that we will play baseball.”

“He's not coming home.”

She looked up at her mom's back, “Huh?” Maybe she did not hear her well, “When is my daddy coming home?”

“I said he is not coming back!” 

Her heart jumped on her chest when everything in front of her mom flew in the air. She was scared. Umma rested her hands on the counter and was breathing so hard that she noticed how her back moved up and down. Suddenly, she turned and looked at her. That was when she noticed that she has been crying because her eyes were all puffy and her nose was red. She must be hurting somewhere, Ju Hyun thought.

Umma then walked to her kneeling in front of her seat and resting hands on her lap, “Ju Hyun, listen to Umma, okay?”

She nodded but her heart was so loud that she wanted to shout for it to stop making those weird thumps for a short while, “But why crying?”

“Ah...” 

Her mom looked up the ceiling maybe trying to let her tears go back into her eyes.

“Ju Hyun, Appa is not coming back...”

“Why?” felt weird, like it was moving involuntarily and her voice got stuck on , “But... but he said--”

“He will not come home anymore... ever...”

The hamburger fell on her hand and landed on the floor beside her mom. She could see the tomatoes and the meat falling down and the mayonnaise somewhat spread on the green tiled floor. It looked disgusting. Her mom put a hand on her cheek to make her look at her again and not on the hamburger on the floor.

“From now on, it will only be us...” 

Her mom's voice was wobbly and her tears started to fall down again until her head fell on her lap and she started crying. Ju Hyun was stunned since it was the first time seeing her mommy shake in tears like that-- like the ones on the TV they would watch together. It was making her heart ache but she could not find herself to cry with her mom. If Appa was not coming home, then what will happen to them? But why was Appa not coming home? How about the baseball game?

Stupid but she could not cry. Slowly, she lifted her mayonnaise-smudged hand and put it on her mom's back and gently rubbed like the way she would when she was crying. Now it was her turn to do that for her mom, “It's okay Umma, I will call him and tell him to come home?”

Her mom lifted her head up and it made her so sad to see her wet face, then she slowly shook her head, “No... no... Ju Hyuna... he will never come back again.”

It seemed like her mom's voice crawled into her body and her heart that she shivered. Appa was not coming home anymore-- ever. She swallowed hard looking at her mom's eyes. How could she look so sad like that? It was not making her feel okay. Her mom shouldn't be sad like that. But her daddy was not coming home and her mom's tears were falling from her eyes too fast she wanted to stop them herself. She shouldn't cry, if she cried her mom would cry again and she doesn't want that to happen. 

Suddenly, her stomach hurt. Like it was being squeezed too tight that it was making it hard for her to breathe. She shut her eyes tight and heaved, “Um...ma....”

“Ju Hyun? Ju Hyun? What's wrong?”

She could feel her mom shaking her shoulders as she bended her body pushing her arms on her stomach then she screamed so loud when she could no longer contain the pain, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“JU HYUN!!!!!!!!” 

~~~

She woke up in a different place-- in a hospital. And there was already that scary thing hanging on her bedside with a long thin hose attached to her arm. Good thing she was sleeping when they put it on her. At least she did not feel the pain. Before, she had a very high fever that mom and dad also brought her to the hospital but Appa was carrying her and her mom was rubbing her back when the ugly nurse was pricking her skin with the needle. 

“You're awake.”

Ju Hyun turned her head on the other direction and saw her Eun Jung Imo smiling at her then she walked towards her, “Where's Umma?”

“Ahh... she's talking to your doctor.” 

Her Imo has a beautiful smile. She is a very pretty woman ten years younger than her mom. Her skin is so fair that you could almost see her veins if you look at her closely. She also has the same big eyes as her mom's and a well-pointed nose. But Imo doesn't have a boyfriend since she wanted to become very rich before she gets married. 

“How are you feeling?”

“I'm okay,” she tried to smile then lifted her arm, “Can they take this off? It's making me uncomfortable.”

“Aigoo... they will take it off when they are sure you are okay already,” Imo soothed her face, “Why did your stomach ache? What did you eat?”

“I don't know...” she turned towards the window. Ah, it was autumn. She used to love autumn since it was better playing outside with the weather-- not too hot and not too cold. Then she remembered something so she looked at her aunt again, “Ahhh... maybe it was the hamburger... Appa said I should not--” she looked away again and noticed the tree wavi