One semester down and Soo Yun was finally about to begin her last semester as an undergrad student, she was only 6 classes away of finishing up her bachelor degree.

Despite her friends advice of taken it easy, she decided against them and took all her classes together, but her health had taken the worst part of it in the last months. This had caused to distance herself from the guys and spending more time with her classmates.

In a way, this last months had help Soo Yun to clear her mind from other distractions, her family problems, her own issues and Seung Hyun. She had solely focus on passing her classes and following doctors orders, one of them was going to therapy and keeping up with her meds, something that Young Bae had help her out, despite the fact he was now working full time, he always made time for his friend.

Soo Yun was walking out of her appointment with Dr. Kim, he had seen a great deal of progress on her, but he reminded her that she needed to deal with her personal issues, this meaning Seung Hyun in one hand and her current episode of depression on the other one.

She took a deep breath and the hot summer sun embraced her as soon as she began walking though the city. She decided against taking the bus that day and began making her way through the people, the buildings and the summer feel that surrounded her.

She wondered around town, like she used to do with Seung Hyun many years ago, seeing the people around her and inadvertently smiling to the couples passing by.

Those used to be them, friends walking without concerns about life, simply enjoying what was going on, not worrying of what tomorrow might brought to them.

“We were fools back them weren’t we? Thinking that nothing will ever changed between us weren’t we Seung Hyun-ah?” she said out loud as she was walking by the Han River, one of their favorite places to visit after a busy week, usually with an ice cream in their hands.

Soo Yun felt her phone beep and quickly took it out, it was her mom wondering of her whereabouts, in the last year her mom had improved greatly and even though she knew she will never be fully ok, now she was at least sure that her mom had decided to keep on living as she had promised her not too long ago.

She quickly type a simple reply and made way to her favorite coffee shop, she knew that today was an iced Americano type of day and with any luck she might found her favorite blueberry muffin in store.

Soo Yun entered the coffee place and was greeted by a cute baby’s laughter, she look up and saw the owner’s baby daughter laughing as her mom was swinging her in her arms. She said hello to the barista, Min Ah, after all she had saved Soo Yun’s last time she had a crisis in the shop.

She took her usual place in the back after ordering and pick up a book, but despite multiple tries she couldn’t seem to concentrate. Something that Dr. Kim had said to her earlier that day kept on bothering her.

“So Soo Yun-ah, I have seem you have made multiple changes in your life and I couldn’t be more satisfied. You have being taking your medicines on time, you have stop self harming for the last 7 months and you haven’t failed a single subject in the past year and a half, to the point you are about to finish up your major; but despite all of this amazing things, you seem to keep on lingering on the past, I keep having the feeling that you have something holding you back and that is keeping you from moving forward, do you have any idea of what that could be?”

 “Of course I know what it is… or more like who it is…” she said in a murmur and eyed her left wrist. Slowly, the scars where beginning to fade away, but some of them where imprinted in her memory, they had become the daily reminder of a story she did not wish to repeat.

She placed the book back in its place and took out her journal from her purse, she had began to carry it around since writing in it help her calm down, she never knew what she was going to write, but at the end, it always help her putting down in words what her mind was screaming to let out.

She picked up the pen and began writing.

“When my grandpa die, all I wanted was you by my side… you where supposed to be my best friend… but I guess I was the only one that thought that way…

Have I being all this time a weight for you? A bothersome person that appear in your life and you have being trying so hard to shake off?

Was it so hard to just type down and r u ok and hit send? Will it kill you to ask me how I am? And I really such a bother in your life?

Was I ever your friend? Did you ever truly care for me? Did you ever saw me as your friend? You used to claim to see me as your little sister, but even family cares about each other…

Do you know how much it hurts to feel like you are avoiding me all the time… You only text me when you need something from me, you never text me to see how am I…

Was it my fault? Did I push you away? Was I being always sick the reason you simply got tired of me? Are you just like my dad that when he saw my mom sick, he simply left… does our friendship means so little to you?

Or is it that I just don’t know how to pick my friends? Do I always make the worst decisions?

First it was Dong Wook… I even dream on marrying him… and truly thought he was the one for my life… oh boy was I mistaken… he only played around with me, I put my life on hold so many times for him, but at the end it was all a misunderstanding

Then it was Siwon, do you remember when I talked about him? That boy that used to be my friend in high school, I think you were the only one I told about him. He was like my brother… and then he reveal his true colors after I began to hang out with you and the guys, I still can’t believe he turn out to be so possessive about me and I had to let him out of my life.

But the sad thing is that I still check his facebook just to see if he is alive? I miss his stupid ideas and his own world… he was one of the few people that kept telling me I was worth it, and that someday I would find someone who will truly love me, for me…. And I believe him, I wanted to believe him, despite all the pain he gave me later on. 

And there is you, you stupid idiot that keeps neglecting me… would it kill you to show some interest in the person you once called your sister?

You that knew how hurt I was when I lost my closest friends… you know me well to know that… and still I feel you keep pushing me aside… do you have any idea how much that hurts me? I just want a friend, one friend that I can talk to, no matter how much I love Bae and the guys, they are more like my family now and I feel like a part of that family is missing.

You once told me that you knew me well enough to know when I wasn’t ok… so what the hell happen to that friend? Did I push him away without knowing it?

Did you simply got sick of me, and decide to leave me alone.

You are my brother, my friend.  I trusted you so much; I told you so much about me… I even told you when I liked you, not for wanting something from you, but because we are friends…

Idiot, you stupid idiot… I miss you; I miss your stupid calls at 7am when I was still sleeping… I miss your random text… I miss your out of nowhere plans to hang out… I miss my friend… I need my friend… why did you push me aside? Was I so spendable… did I really meant this little for you?

Do you know whenever I see you walking down the street or when I saw you with the guys, I had to force myself to stop the tears for coming down and I kept on telling myself that I can be strong enough and to not break down in tears in the middle of the street?

Do you ever see me? Do you even care? Was I ever a part of your life?

Do you know how much it hurts losing a friend? Do you know how broken is my heart right now? Would it ever kill you to take the initiative? I don’t want you as a boyfriend; I just want you as my friend…

I just want that the one that used to claim to be one of my closest friends to see me as his friend, and give me his hand whenever I need it… to show me the support I need from time to time.

 Because I’m tired of being alone.

Would it kill you to be my friend? Or did the past 8 years mean absolutely nothing to you… because they sure meant a lot for me…”

Soo Yun put down her pen on top of her journal and re read what she wrote and something pierced her, knowing that she will never had the courage to say those words to him, him that still meant more that she wanted to be in her life. 

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A/N:

Everyone sorry for the late update this week, a congress got in the way and I wasn't near a computer until today. I loved your points of view about last week's update. 

I will try to write as much as I can this week, since I just got assigned my thesis advisors last week and to those who have follow all my past stories, know is my last requirement to finish grad school, so that will take most of my time from now on, but i will not neglect my baby! LOL 

until next update

~sayurimei