Another cold winter was ending in Seoul and the spring of 2013 could be felt entering the city.

Soo Yun was looking out her bedroom window; even though it was already past midnight she couldn’t seem to fall slept that night. Her now auburn hair was escaping from the braid she had got done from her mom earlier that night and couldn’t help but sighed knowing that her mind wasn’t ready to give her a rest that night.

For Soo Yun, 2012 had gone by in the blink of an eye and before she knew it, she found herself in her last year as an undergrad student. After her last crisis things hadn’t quite pick up for her, but at least she was hanging in there.

If you asked her what had went down in 2012, the only thing that she could put her mind set on it was the fact that Seung Hyun had seem to have left her life for good now. She sometimes wondered if the words she had said to him that time he went to visit her in the hospital had being too harsh, if she hadn’t being at fault for snapping at him the way she did.

In the past year it had being a few times when they had seen each other, but mainly because of the other guys set things up, never because either of them made the call to see each other, nothing like it was in the past, when they used to met at least one or two times each week.

She never imagined that those briefs encounters that where only followed by a hello and a small nod of acknowledgement from his side, but from a huge pain from her heart were going to be the only interaction they will have from now on.

She missed him, but she couldn’t break away from her pride to let him know that.

She had dealt with so much in the last year, mostly thanks to Young Bae’s support and that made her feel even worst. She knew she had Bae whenever she needed him, so she couldn’t simply wrap her mind about the fact that her heart was demanding having Seung Hyun in her life, despite all the pain and neglect he had inflicted on her, a part of her heart lingered with him.

Sometimes she wondered if it was her own fault. Alienating him like that, wondering what she had done wrong between them, she hated not knowing about him, not seen him smile at her jokes, not having him seating in her bed telling her stupid stuff she will never understand about his job.

Soo Yun simply couldn’t understand why despite the fact it had being already two years and some months since she had confessed to him, her heart didn’t seem to let him go. She yearned for him, for his goofy smile, for the easy way he made her smile and take her worries away.

She missed laying on his couch watching super heroes movies together, criticizing the plots of things they had seen over and over again, falling sleep close to each other.

She needed him and she felt like a complete idiot about it. She couldn’t seem to stop needing him; it was like if even a year or even ten years went by, she will still need him in her life.

She knew it was no use on trying to hold on to the scattered pieces, since it will only break her heart even more, but she felt her heart crying and wondering what was the point of living like that, missing someone who by the looks of it was having the time of his life.

Daesung had told her that he was still dating that girl Yuri on and off now, so what was the point of her waiting around for someone who had clearly moved on with his life.  She knew that if she told anyone how she was still carrying a torch for Seung Hyun they will probably hit her, so that made her even sad, having none to talk to about it.

Whenever she had a break from her busy school life, she found herself lingering in the memories that she had with him, she always thought they were going to be always good, but now even though she hated it, only the wounds and unsolved misunderstandings were left.

Her therapist had told her to focus on the positive things she had in her life, she had stop cutting for almost 6 months now, her mom was doing better and her academic life was surviving. She had loyal friends that supported her, but she kept feeling like the part of her heart she had giving to Seung Hyun when they became friends, was the part that was missing, the one that made her feel unable to see the bright side of things.

She remembered when she knew that she had stop liking him, but begin loving him and she knew she was doomed, because as her love for him deepened, also her pain did. Eventually she knew they were not meant to be, even though she tried to erase him, now her mind was filled with wounds because of him.

Because of his coldness, she had changed, she was also getting cold. She knew that it will be almost impossible to even gain back her friend, since they kept on drifting farther and farther apart from each other.

Just seeing him when they hang out with the guys, it was hard on her and she knew that it was hard on him also, but she was done always taking the first step.

She got up and made way to her bed, looking at her bedside table the picture she had with all the guys with her in the middle of Young Bae and Seung Hyun, she smiled remembering that day, it was the day Seungri finally became of legal age to hang out with them.

She placed down the photo on her nightstand and wiped away the tear that was escaping from her eyes, she knew she had to eventually said goodbye to him, because if all this time had thought her something it was that it was the end between them and now they were eventually becoming strangers.

She took out her journal and wrote down a small entry: 

I wish that the moment when my suffering ends will arrived sooner,

That all the bad memories that I carry within, will soon be erased from my mind.

I wish that the day arrives in which all your lies will be erased from my heart,

Because they have only left wounds that only left me fill with bitterness and sorrow.

I wish the day will come in which I can forgave you,

The day I let go of this pain that you have given me,

I wish that one night arrived in which I can finally go to sleep,

Without wet stains in my pillow,

Fill with the tears that pour endlessly from within.

She placed her journal next to the photo and tried her best to fall sleep, praying to the heavens that she will eventually let go. 

On the other side of town, Seung Hyun was arriving to his apartment, throwing his shoes not really caring where they landed.

This time it was final, he had had enough of her iness and her nagging, he had ended things for good with Yuri.

“That God forsaken , I gave her everything and she still went on and cheated on me… what the ” he said while throwing his stuff on the couch and making way to his room.

He landed on his bed, not even bothering on undressing; he was too pissed off and disappointed on himself for letting himself being played once again by another girl.

They always came to him and ended up using him or cheating on him and when he tried to stand up for himself, he just ended up humiliated.

He looked to his bedside table and saw the picture with all the gang, including a chubby girl in the middle.

“Why can girls be like Soo Yun? Simple, straight forward, not looking for what to gain and just be real?” he said out loud but immediately felt guilty over his thoughts.

That had being the main problem with his relationships; he kept on comparing them with Soo Yun. At first it wasn’t on purpose, but when he began to nick pick, he realized he compared all to her. Whether they were too skinny, too quiet, not enough out spoken, not into the same stuff as he liked, they always had a flaw that only Soo Yun didn’t had.

But then he remembered how despite all of that, he kept on distancing from her.

“But you did try, just to be kick on the balls. Well also, Yuri wasn’t that much of a fan of me having such a close girl friend, but I mean is Soo Yun, we have being friends for so long that it felt stupid having to distance myself from her because of Yuri’s jealousy rants, even though I told her I didn’t felt a thing for Yun” he said.

He felt stupid; having listening to Yuri’s nonstop demands for the past year and a half had made him distance himself from the one girl that he knew will always had his back and felt like an for letting some girl dictate with whom he could be or not. He had being totally whipped into submission by someone who didn’t deserve him.

He missed her, having someone to talk to without pretences or false expectations, someone who knew him for whom he truly was. Don’t get the guy wrong,  he knew he had his bro’s, but Yun had being friends with him for so long that he knew that he didn’t need to say a word to her before she knew what was going on with him.

“And then you went and let it all go to hell, I sometimes think all the excuses I used for distancing myself from her were plain stupid, is like she told me, I think she gave me too much credit… but can I really go back to her? After all this time can I try to mend up what we had? I mean we have being friends for so long, but does she still see me as one of his friends.

I can see it when we hang out with all the guys, she just makes polite small talk with me, not like she treats Bae or Dae, crap I am even jealous when she teases Seungri of all people. That used to be me.

I truly believed that giving her distance was the best to resolve her feelings for me, but I think I took all of this too far… how long has it being since we truly talked? I mean I can’t even remember the last time I saw her alone, without the guys. I can believe the last real talk we had was that day in the hospital.

I didn’t know that I will be now regretting the way I have acted towards her, at first I didn’t mind the empty place that it used to belong to her, because Yuri had caught up almost all of my attention. But is like every time I had a problem with Yuri, the one I wanted to go vent was Yun, but I felt like it wasn’t right for me to do so…

Is being what? Almost one year since we spend time together, I still can’t believe how this regret is getting deeper, is almost painful and let’s be honest if I’m feeling like this, how can she be right now? Ji told me the other night she was better, she seem more upbeat, but how can I be sure about it?

But why do I keep thinking about Nam Soo Yun? I just broke up with Yuri for heaven’s sake… I should be dealing with that crap and not with the fact that I have neglected Yun for this long… what the hell is wrong with you Seung Hyun?

Or am I just regretting the fact that the one person I want to talk about all this crap is the same one I have push away the hardest? That the one person I want to be comfort is the same one I can’t go to… why didn’t I realize sooner what was I doing?

Is weird that I keep on remembering the good times we shared, is like when I go back to that time, all the pain I feel fades away and I can feel that my life is fill with joy. But can I truly ask her to take me back, his bingu into her life? She is just going to kick me down again, but a part of me can’t seem to be without her in my life.

Can I ask her to take a leap of faith and trust in us again? Can I truly ask her that after all I have done to her?” he finally said, finding himself talking to the small picture he had behind their group photo, the one of only the two of them when he had went out to the pension her uncle had in Busan almost 4 years ago.

They were seating in the deck and he had his arms around her shoulders, they were laughing like nothing matter in the whole world, like if they were in their own slice of heaven, without worries, without pain, only the two of them against the world.

“Can I truly go back to that place with you Yun?” he said and placed the photo in the front of the portrait frame, instead of hiding it in the back like he had done all this time. 

------

A/N: guys i am truly sorry i didnt update last week or that i didnt reply to anyone's comments from my last update. I have being really under the weather (thanks Elleally for keeping tabs on me, luv u chingu!!) going in and out from doctors and ER's. I know creyes1978 health comes first, thats why i took last week off to rest. 
I will try to reply your comments this weekend and i will try to keep my updates on regular bases again. 
thanks for the wonderful comments, i love that you truly feel what i want to convey with my writing and i cant wait to hear your thoughts on this weeks update. 
 

love you all, you are the main reason i keep on writing...
until hopefully next week!
~sayurimei